MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

[MILissue]

MIL and husband want to be too involved in our children’s lives my step daughter (3) and daughter 7 months.
step daughter visits us every other weekend and stays Fri-sun, MIL gets to see her once a week and claims this is unfair and not enough as grandparents. MIL wants GD (3) to sleep over at their house on our time. Baring in mind we get her 4 nights a month she wants to take one of those from her son. We have tried to explain this is for our daughter to spend time with her sister as a family and all we get back is “they can both stay”. Are we being unreasonable for saying no to this as we are made to feel like the worst people in the world!
We feel that they favour their first GC (my step daughter (3). When we have explained how we feel it is shut down immediately and we are called silly. However they only like to call us and visit when we have DH daughter and he feels it invades our time as it is hard to say no to them coming to visit on those days. I feel that they should be grateful they have DH daughter visit once a week but nothing is ever enough for them regarding her.

(Also to add my step daughters mother will not allow DH mother to have her daughter sleepover on her time either, we all get on well and we do not feel she is being unreasonable.

Apart from see his tiny child more regularly of course.

As for substanded parenting if we were to split up I know both children adore him, and I am so grateful that I would be able to spend the first three years of my daughters life with her day in day out, the sacrifices we make for our children are hard.

Oh dear, have a day off.

Hope your delusion about Dad of the year doesn't come back to bite you on the arse.

I'll leave you to it 👍

To see DG once a week is really fortunate. I don't really see my DG regularly. We don't have a set day. I did look after them once a week when DIL worked. But, she gave it up because it was not financially viable and she was lucky enough that she really did not need to work anyway. However, after a few weeks or couple of months of not seeing them, I will text my DS and DIL to see if we can meet up and see the DG. They only live 10 miles away. But DIL likes to spend every waking moment arranging days out or with her friends and their children. However, if they do sometimes contact us to babysit, we will always have the DG stay overnight or for a few days if they want some time without them. We have never refused. They do not ask that much maybe once every few months. Consequently, your MIL should count herself really lucky that she has arranged contact every week and doesn't have to almost beg to see them.

I don't see why a sleepover couldn't happen very occasionally if stepdaughter would enjoy it, but I definitely understand why you wouldn't want to make it a regular arrangement as it's precious time.

I see it as more evidence of the destruction of the family.

@MILissue I'm going against the grain here and don't think you should go for 50/50 next year. Everything these days is about splitting everything "fairly", but honestly, when it comes to children, I do think it's better for them to have one main home. Children can find it so unsettling with 50/50 arrangements and I feel for them.

I do think that as you have such a good relationship with the child's mother, that going for 50/50 may jeopardise that (unless of course she actually wanted that too). I'm just thinking from my point of view, I'd be devastated to go from practically full-time custody to only 50%.

Your DH can continue to be a father, co-parent with her mother, contribute financially, and keep his work commitments with the current schedule, perhaps introduce a third night so it's 6 nights per month or something. It has to work for both families, yourselves and the child's mum.

Anyway, I know the thread wasn't about that, I just didn't like reading so many people laying into your husband for not taking the child's mother to court for 50/50 🙄

In terms of your MIL, as you know, she'll never be happy. Personally, I'd not give her any overnights, and keep to what contact you and DH are happy with, if that's MIL joining you all as a family for one afternoon per month, then so be it. Your DH can shut down any whinging from her. As for your baby, not a chance in hell I'd let my baby sleep over with anyone, but especially not this overbearing MIL. I actually hope the child's mother stops contact between SD & MIL on her time. MIL sounds like a pain in the ass.

The alternative is would OP be happy if they split and he took her to court for 50/50 and paid the minimum maintenance so she had to work full time? Which would reduce how much time she could spend with her child during her contact time.

It sounds like not, and it sounds like this works best for OPs SDs mom and husband. People are allowed to make different choices. My parents are divorced and I wouldn't have wanted to be somewhere else every week. Children need stability and it sounds like SDs mom has built her life around her daughter and OPs husband has financially supported that.

For a family that live with the children 100% of the time, not when they only have them overnight 4 nights a month.

I think your DH needs to explain that his dd is still very little and he has her such a small amount of time himself itnis important for the 3 year old to spend time with him so she doesn't feel replaced by the new baby. He could say that when she is a bit older the issue can be readdressed then. I woukd go as far as saying of she doesn't let this go then he will limit the day visits too as it is placing too much pressure on you all as a family.

MIL is being ridiculous. She probably doesn't favour her over your daughter really OP, she probably feels bad for your SD because her parents aren't together, and probably over inserted herself before you were there to help your husband with her. Maybe she feels pushed out now you're here?

I think the set up you have currently sounds like it works best for your SD and her parents, that's the most important thing. If parents don't want their child to sleepover somewhere else it doesn't happen.

As a child of split parents, the only thing I'd say is try make sure your stepdaughter knows she's loved and you'd love to have her more often. I think you said when she starts school you'd have her in the summer holidays? That would be great and helps her mom with covering the long holidays

No i think its still quite nornal every other month or so.

The obvious answer is he needs to step up and be a proper parent. Seeing his own child only 4 days a month is not OK, you can try and defend it as much as you like, but I highly doubt you'd settle for only seeing your own child 4 days a month.

There is absolutely no need for either girl to go for a sleepover at grandparents unless parents want a night off.
you could always look for something you want to attend without kids and schedule granny to come and sleep at YOUR house to babysit

Why is it best for the child to see her 4 nights a month? Fight for 50:50.

She has just turned 3 years old! It is not in the best interests of a child that young to be going from home to home, she has stability she has routine. H is working and has worked very hard the last 3 years to provide for mother of his child to be able to spend every day with her daughter, this works for them! Mother of child is happy and does not want 50/50

Thankyou! It feels as though she favours her as they only come to visit when SD is here otherwise they won’t see our D. She most definitely feels that she is pushed out now I’m here I know that with how she acts.

SD knows we all love her so much, I would never treat the children any differently, we have tried to take SD out on her own to spend quality time however she just asks where her sister is the whole time😅. Yes she has been attending nursery/child minders since she was 2, this was decision by mum not because she works but to help daughter educationally and socially. So this six week hols that has passed we have had her more frequently and taken her away on holidays which has helped mum out a lot and H as he’s had more time with her.

Nope definitely I would not like this and neither would H if we split up he wouldn’t want to see the mother of his child struggle. He has told mother of his first child she never had to go back to work if she didn’t want and he would support financially also to myself. I would hate for my daughter to not be with me day in day out, especially when SD has been with her mother full time for 3 years. We get on, it would jeopardise that relationship, and not benefit anyone as H would still need to go out to work so wouldn’t see her any more, she would be going to bed by the time he is home and still asleep by the time he leaves for work.

Sorry I do not, when we have limited time with her anyway why would a mother want to take that away from her own son, it’s very selfish in my opinion.

Oh have a day off, another one.
This arrangement works well for everyone involved. SD knows she is welcome any time, she calls H whenever she asks to and stays when she is able.
I highly doubt I would settle for seeing my daughter 4 days a month as she has lived with me every single day since she has been born! H has never lived with his other child, she knows nothing different. To leave her main caregiver of 3 years to be moving to and from house every week is just upsetting at such a young age! If when SD is older and she wants this that will absolutely happen, if SD wants to live with us that will happen when she is able to make that choice!
As a mother you surely can understand it’s a lot different!

Oh yes, because we must all pretend the only options are 4 days a month, or 50/50 🙄

Your husband sees his boss more than he sees his own child. That's not a good parent. And no, it is not different for a mother, both parents should be involved in parenting.

I think it's a bit disappointing that so many people on here are trying to upset the OPs custody arrangement that works for their family. And pushing them to go for 50/50 and potentially shatter the poor ex's life and essentially take her little girl away from her even more. Everyone is happy and the little girl and dad get to spend time together. As she gets older I'm sure they will flex and adjust and have more time together.

4 nights a month! He finishes early on a Friday 12 and drops back off Sunday at 6pm. Mother of child will not let her go every weekend which is fair enough. If he finishes early through the week and is working near home he will have her for tea but it’s the overnight that he doesn’t have more of. Probably two weeks out of the month he works away and comes home on weekends. That is just his job he cannot change that, this is the requirements of his job that he also may I add has worked very hard for to get to this place in his career including many many years of university and further studies.

Both parents are involved in parenting! Parenting is not just seeing a child, he is there financially for both daughters and mothers, he is involved in every decision regarding his daughter. He sees her when he can!

It is very much different as a mother, typically the mother is at home with the child, especially the first year of their lives while on maternity leave.

AMEN!
The OP was not around custody arrangements, yet everyone is so pressed on this. It works for everyone in this family. If ex wanted us to have SD more we of course would adjust for this. She is very much happy having little girl live with her full time, she does not want 50/50 and I think it’s very unfair to do this anyway. I couldn’t imagine doing it myself. We did seek legal advice for this as at that moment in time ex was being very difficult and did not even agree to the overnight stays however, we have come a long way from this and we have an arrangement that works. Everyone else thinks it should be 50/50 and if any less he’s not a parent. I can guarantee most people stating 50/50 would not like it themselves if they were to split with their H.

Do i think 4 nights per month is too little? Yes I do.
However, it works for all of you. People need to read some threads regarding stepfamilies and fathers not stepping up to their roles. Some threads leave me in tears, the poor children.
You are all to be admired in getting on and having a successful blending family. As long as the sd knows she is loved by her father and not being replaced and accepted fully in his new family, I see no issues.
He needs to step up to his mother and enforce boundaries.