MIL and husband too overbearing regarding our children

[MILissue]

MIL and husband want to be too involved in our children’s lives my step daughter (3) and daughter 7 months.
step daughter visits us every other weekend and stays Fri-sun, MIL gets to see her once a week and claims this is unfair and not enough as grandparents. MIL wants GD (3) to sleep over at their house on our time. Baring in mind we get her 4 nights a month she wants to take one of those from her son. We have tried to explain this is for our daughter to spend time with her sister as a family and all we get back is “they can both stay”. Are we being unreasonable for saying no to this as we are made to feel like the worst people in the world!
We feel that they favour their first GC (my step daughter (3). When we have explained how we feel it is shut down immediately and we are called silly. However they only like to call us and visit when we have DH daughter and he feels it invades our time as it is hard to say no to them coming to visit on those days. I feel that they should be grateful they have DH daughter visit once a week but nothing is ever enough for them regarding her.

(Also to add my step daughters mother will not allow DH mother to have her daughter sleepover on her time either, we all get on well and we do not feel she is being unreasonable.

The MIL is out of line. Let her complain all she wants, and depending on your relationship with her, I'd point out how selfish she is being to try to take 25% of the 3yos time away from being with her father when MIL already sees her granddaughter once a week for 4 hours. At what point does she think she matters more than your husband, the child's own father? What will she do when the child grows up, goes to school longer, and has friends and activities?

I'd consider it a blessing that this woman is not so interested in your child or you'd never be rid of her!

She sounds like the kind of woman who will never be satisfied and always demanding more. Very selfish. She really needs to get a hobby.

It's daily that there is a needy and entitled grandmother story on here...

Of course he is! He adores her and cherishes time together! However, we visited a solicitor before our little girl (7months) arrived to discuss 50/50, mother of child basically shut this down, solicitor informed it could be a costly process and court may decide in favour of mother due to father working full time more often than not 6 days a week, some weeks working away so not in the family home. He FaceTimes and rings his daughter frequently. Solicitor also advised due to father never living with daughter court may deem that the best interests of the child is to stay with mother for routine at this young age and to possibly try again in a couple years time!

This was due to H living with his mother at the time, however since H has moved out this has carried on, she has her one weekday, used to be from 12-6/7, now she is at nursery it is 3 til 7. Mother of child is fed up of demands and is close to cutting this off which is a shame but same as us MIL is constantly at her to let little one sleep over, she has had a bedroom done out and calls it the little girls bedroom and not both of our children’s bedroom.

He has stood up to his mother but she manipulates him and ‘falls out with him’ it’s not a nice situation to be in when he is made to be the bad guy. I have no issues with him standing up to her.

He works that schedule to provide for his FAMILY! We wouldn’t have the life we have without him, he provides for both daughters and gives a hefty maintenance payment (way more than required) to the daughter that doesn’t live with us! He does everything for those little girls

'Normal' is meaningless in this context. It's 'normal' if it works for the parents and they're happy with it. In this case, it doesn't work for the parents and neither of the child's biological parents are happy with it. In that situation, it's 'normal' for the parents to say no.

Plenty of people wouldn't be keen for a three-year-old to do overnight stays, and I would have thought even less so if they have less time with their child than they would like - why should the OP's partner miss out on his own time with his daughter just because his mother has a bee in her bonnet about overnight stays and so on? The grandparents see the grandchildren every single week, ffs! That's already more than most grandparents see their grandkids.

you should not be feeling any anxiety re this situation. SD both parents have made a decision and are in agreement re SD sleep over with MIL. Thats it, no further discussion required. If MIL chooses to challenge this it is with SD parents.

This story feels familiar. I feel like either the mother of your SD or your MIL have posted about this recently....

He should do what any other parent does and rearrange his working hours in order to parent his child.

He chose to have a wedding and second kid, so he should, at bare minimum, parent his first child as much as the mother does.

He pays maintenence over the legal minimum?

Woah, I take it all back.

The little cherub is being manipulated by his bad Mummy and he's providing more than the minimum for the child he sees 4 days a month (even though the mum sonehow manages to work and be a full time parent).

Congrats op.

Why does your husband only see his child four days a month? Surely the answer to all questions here is to have more custody time.

I did not mean it in that context! I am stating he works to provide a good life for us and also for his daughter who lives with her mother so both children are living similar circumstances! The mother did not work as she asked H if she was able to not, he agreed and has helped her massively financially to enable her not to work. However she has now just gone to work full time with little one starting full time nursery!!

The mother of his child did NOT work and H massively helped financially for her to be able to not work (even though they were never together) he worked extra for this! Which she is very grateful for, otherwise she would’ve had to go to work and place little one in childminders, H earnt more than mother of child therefore this is what agreement they decided on!

He has chosen to have a second child yes, and he parents both, he also works away from our child to provide for us whilst I’m off work!

The man who can't see his child more because - work, but can manage to meet someone, and have another child and parent that one by the time his first kid is 3?

Working and paying towards his kid is a absolute minimum he should be doing, seeing her 4 days a month is disgusting tbh.

Would you be happy with him seeing your child 4 days a month as long as he chucked you a few quid?

He really isn't a great parent. You just think he is because he's living with you and your child just now so it's no effort for him to be around.

He's showing who he is as a parent by being content with a tiny amount of time with his first child.

Work arrangements. As posted in comments. Sometimes H works away and if he is working in same area, he may pop to see little one at mums if finishes before her bed time routine! Or we take her out for tea.
At the minute it’s not possible to gain more custody time, the arrangements work well as is, little girl is settled and isn’t coming and going between houses constantly, she knows daddy’s house and mummy’s house. The OP is about MIL, GRANDMA, stepping over boundaries.

Oh dear I hope not!😂

Have you not been reading her updates?. He tried to get more custody.

He has stood up to his mother but she manipulates him and ‘falls out with him’ it’s not a nice situation to be in when he is made to be the bad guy. I have no issues with him standing up to her.

Your husband needs to let his mom "fall out" with him over her unhealthy demand for custody time. Guess what. The result is the same. She shouldn't be seeing his kid when she's trying to make stupid demands. Your husband needs to say no and mean it and give consequences if she violates the boundary and asks again. No mom, you can't have x overnight. She asks again, don't answer her calls for a couple weeks. Grey rock. Distance. She asks again, 3 weeks. And so on.

Guess what. Some people aren't happy when they're told no. Tough. Your husband has to decide which is better, him taking his full and extremely limited but necessary custody time with his child or giving way to his mom's demand for a custody night that is not in his child's best interests. His mom kicks off, all the more reason to keep his child away. She's unreasonable. The child's mom wants nothing to do with her and has said no to her unreasonable demands. Why won't your husband put his foot down and tell her to stop in no uncertain terms?

He didn't though, it was too expensive apparently.

That was after op saying it was inconvenient because of his work.

We have sought legal advice I have mentioned that! I stated court costs were costly! Not seeking advice as that has already been done!

Your previous conversation with a solicitor was when dsd was what? two? Often courts would recommend under three year old children have a primary residence. Now she is three there is really no reason that you can't up your time with her. If you suggested a reasonable, gradual increase over a year or so then it's unlikely the courts could object.

If DH has DD more then he can reduce maintenance and do fewer hours at work to spend time with her and even have time to to drop off/pick up from nursery. Money isn't a replacement for a loving supportive parent.

I found it. Not your MIL bu there are some similarities. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5394946-feeling-pushed-out-of-dgc-life?page=1

What do you simply not understand the man is out to work to provide for both families!? I’m sure he would be the worst person if he chose not to do this.

As for the judgy remarks of managing to meet someone and parent a child by the time his other was 3, yes he and the mother were never together! So fathers aren’t allowed to have time to parent as well as develop a new relationship.

Many fathers work away week in week out to provide for their family! It’s not about chucking a few quid here and there, it’s the sacrifices you make when having a child, it’s not possible for both parents to be there with the child every day. Unless they have no work ethic and choose to sit on their backside! If I was to earn more I would go to work and H would stay home with child, but that isn’t the case. I’m happy with this arrangement so is the mother of his child, by enabling us to spend the quality time with our children instead of having them in child minders with strangers from a young age! No issues here apart from MIL/Grandma.

It seems you may have had bad experiences with fathers, however he is an amazing parent to both children and everyone around us knows that!

I would be an amazing parent if I saw my kids 4 days a month too.

You're saying he's amazing for doing literally the minimum - paying for his children. That's not amazing, it's standard (or should be).

He has a 3yo he sees 4 days a month, that's absolutely ridiculous, and you think he's a superhero for that?

May your extremely low standards serve you well. Especially if you add him split and you're on the receiving end of picking up after his substandard parenting.

Yes she was 2, and was advised to try again when she was in full time school rather than nursery where she will be more settled and in routine which will be next September. So discussions will occur next summer regarding this. With the summers holidays we have seen more of SD as no nursery to be home for, H has worked more local and we have had more contact.

He doesn’t want to reduce maintenance that has never been an issue. It’s not manageable to do fewer hours at work with myself still on maternity leave, we do not receive any type of benefits as he earns more than threshold, therefore he works to pay for our bills and everything else we get up to as a family. No I absolutely agree money is not a replacement, but both children will grow up to realise the importance of working! SD always talks about daddy going to work so we can have nice things, although she is still so young.

You are getting a snippet into our lives here, you’re really reading into our situation too deeply! Like I say there must be some past trauma you have faced with absent fathers and I deeply apologise for that but not every man is the same.

I’m from saying he’s amazing for paying for them! I have stated he works extra hard and long days to enable both mothers to be off work. He doesn’t have to do that he could work bare minimum and pay bare minimum. He has 4 nights a month yes? Is it enough? No. He FaceTimes regularly when working away, spends quality time with her when she’s here, he would do anything for them both.