To think not all women are “natural mothers” and some regret it but can’t say out loud?

[ThatWrySeal]

We’re told motherhood is the most natural, fulfilling thing. But AIBU to think some women regret it deeply, they just can’t say it without being vilified?

I will say it, I’m a mum, not a natural one and I regret it sometimes and I am very open with this too

I don’t think that’s been the case for a while. Plenty of women admit it was a mistake and they regret motherhood, their children and motherhood or not their children but what being a parent actually means. I know a couple of them, it’s in articles, on forums like this, on tv, on the radio, there are books about it.

You’re far more likely to be vilified for admitting it’s easier than you thought and you love everything about your kids and being a mum. You’ll be called smug and boring. Few people will be happy for you.

Say it’s all a massive nightmare, they drive you crazy, you miss the freedom, #wineoclock etc and people are sympathetic and understanding.

My SIL - loved the idea of being a mum but she doesn't enjoy it.

You're not really saying anything novel here.

Just 3 BBC articles from the last decade:

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-38145118.amp

https://www.bbc.com/news/education-43555736.amp

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20221111-what-is-maternal-ambivalence-and-why-it-matters

I think plenty of women don’t find motherhood particularly fun or fulfilling, despite loving their children - and some find this out greatly to their surprise after having much-wanted children. I don’t think this uncommon or a particularly taboo subject.

The ones I’m baffled by are the women who have children without thinking at all beforehand about whether they actually want to be parents.

I have met a fair few women who can’t stand being around children, and don’t particularly feel broody, and are overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a houseplant or a pet goldfish, and have a very low tolerance for change / mess / uncertainty / noise, and need a LOT of time to themselves - but they had a fixed life plan that involved having children by age X, and they execute the plan, and they absolutely hate it and very often suffer serious mental health crises. And nobody who knew them at all is very surprised.

But for a lot of people who are like this, it doesn’t seem possible to imagine themselves into the future and think about what the experience of parenting would actually be like.

It's a biological urge, there is nothing logical about it. If it were "optional," none of us would do it.

There are a few immortals walking amongst us, who appear to simply brush off pregnancy and birth as nothing more than an afterthought. Their body pings back into shape almost immediately, and they breeze through the baby/toddler years. But for the other 99% of us, having children wrecks our bodies, destroys our relationships and decimates our careers.

Yet for some reason, we still do it.

Admittedly, far fewer of us are doing it, but you get the idea.

I think some women are better with different stages of parenthood. I found the young years quite hard going. I prefer the tweens and teens we're experiencing at the moment.

I was very much in the camp of indifference about motherhood & would have happily foregone it. My exH wanted a child & I said I’d have one & no more which we did. I didn’t revel in my pregnancy. I hated the changes in my body. I was glad when I’d given birth & got my bodily autonomy back. I adapted to motherhood well but I wasn’t one of those gushing parents who couldn’t bear to be apart from their child. I enjoyed nights away with friends or meals out etc when I was able to. I was the default parent & he was a useless partner & father.
We did briefly consider another, I came off contraception & when I thought I might be pregnant again I was disappointed, which solidified I only wanted one so I went back on contraception. I love my DD immensely but I also actually appreciate the time I have back when she goes to her dads for the weekend. I don’t regret having a child but I do also know I’d have been equally as happy without one. I also know if I’d been with a better man I may have enjoyed it more. As it was I spent her first years full of resentment for such a useless man that I’d married & that I was the default parent in everything.

I think there's a world of difference between regretting having children and finding out after the fact that something in you isn't suited to it or needs finessing. I did not realise until a few years ago that I had undiagnosed (and quite raging at times) ADHD. It really impacted my parenting when the kids were toddlers. I regret not knowing that.

I think one of the main problems is the modern expectation (social media etc) that having a child is some magical fulfilling experience that will change your entire being. Declarations of instant bonds and endless joy abound.

It's not magical. It's just basic biology and for thousands of years families were getting on with it without it being a seismic event. It is only life-changing in that it changes your day to day life (i.e. you'll never get everyone out of the house in under half an hour again and say goodbye to solid sleep for a while). There's no hidden deeper revelations hiding underneath.

You're the same person you were before, you're just knackered and nothing is where it should be.

If you expect an earth shattering phenomenon then of course you'll be disappointed and depressed when it turns out all it means is you're up to your eyeballs in vomity muslins and no amount of toddler laughter will change the fact that changing nappies is a literal load of shit.

This isn't to say people don't love their children deeply, just to be clear. But no matter how deeply I loved them I still knew I was getting a crappy deal until they were independent enough to sort themselves out. Them's the breaks.

I really wanted to have children in my 20’s and i had 3. They now range between 15 and 11. I love them with all my heart and they are great kids but if I could go back in time I would not have had children. I find it draining now and I’m all parented out. I still go through the motions and try hard to be a good mum but I can’t wait for the day they are all adults with their own lives. I think if we knew the reality of parenting before we became parents, many of us would not have chosen to do it. I love my child free time when they are with their dad and I’m actually so pleased we separated, allowing me to have that time for myself. People say cherish every moment because you’ll miss the noise and chaos when it’s gone, but I honestly won’t - I can’t wait to have enjoy an adult relationship with them.

me too. and i value your openness x

You’re open with the fact you’re not a natural mum or open with the fact you regret it sometimes (or both) ?

I’ve liked some bits but not others, I’ve preferred some ages to others. Motherhood isn’t one thing is it, it’s a ever changing thing.

I had a friend who had a child because I think she thought she should. She then got pregnant again accidentally and definitely did not want another. She has passed these DC onto her MIL to raise in the main, a woman she complained was a useless parent to her DH.

I didn't want and didn't have any children, and some of my friends have expressed regret. Of course they love their children but if they could have their time again they wouldn't have had them. I suppose I'm a safe person to confide this too.

This, absolutely.

I've said YABU as I don't agree we're generally told it's wonderful, natural, fulfilling. I think yours is the standard line at the moment. Generally people are very down on having kids.

It's the way it takes over your whole life that's the biggest problem for me. For so, so long. And you can lose your sense of self and become 'instatutionalised' to putting your self last.

That definitely isn't 'natural', it's patriarchy putting too much load on women. So what I'm saying is what we usually have to put up with as mothers isn't natural to start with.

I think it's much less taboo than it was and far fewer people would be critical of any mum coming out with it than would be in the past.

I think it’s entirely possible to love your dc but dislike/ resent parenting and that this is probably becoming more common as parenting becomes more all-encompassing due to societal expectations. I don’t necessarily see worse outcomes for kids whose parents are not that into it though.

And the damage done to those kids by their parents because we expect women to just be 'natural mothers' is awful.
Seen it first hand but thankfully, its becoming acceptable for women in my generation (30s) to opt out of motherhood.

Yes maybe some mothers aren’t naturally great at being mothers. But there are so many terrible fathers out there it pails in comparison. I’m not surprised many women regret having children and it is often sue to a man that has left them in a bad situation or abusive. Not my experience thankfully by just reading so many posts on here.

I’m not sure I agree though. I don’t see a massive difference in outcomes between kids who have mothers who love being mothers and those that probably don’t love it but do an adequate job. In fact, in cases it’s worse to have a mother who’s made that their whole identity because they don’t relinquish it at the required moment. the human race hasn’t been as successful as it has because it’s relied on women loving getting badgered to shit for 18 years 🤣

You don't see a difference in outcomes between those with mothers that are mothering and those that aren't??
Therapists would say otherwise.

But mothers that aren’t natural mothers still largely do mothering. It’s not as though they don’t do it just because they don’t love it. Fathers on the other hand…..

if I think about the people I know and the natural mothers are the “oh i love the holidays and I don’t want them to end” and the other mothers are “thank fuck it’s September” then I don’t see a massive difference in how their kids turn out tbh.

To be clear I’m not talking about abuse and neglect. I’m talking about people who love their kids and meet their needs and wants but don’t actively love and gain satisfaction from the role of being a parent.