To think not all women are “natural mothers” and some regret it but can’t say out loud?

[ThatWrySeal]

We’re told motherhood is the most natural, fulfilling thing. But AIBU to think some women regret it deeply, they just can’t say it without being vilified?

Agree. I don't know why you'd do it to yourself if you don't even really want kids in the first place. I know I'd be very maternal but at the same time I'd also be extremely stressed and having a breakdown everyday. So I didn't have kids. It's not really a hard choice to make for me.

It’s common.

But it’s a hard one. You do t know how you will react to parenting until you become a parent.

I think parenting would be much more manageable if we had “the village” - but it all falls on the mum.

I love being a parent and really do enjoy the time I have with my kids. But I also have moments when I wonder why I had them - and this is coming from someone who likes parenting.

Motherhood has always been a concept I never wanted for myself. There is nothing in the lives of my friends with children that I wanted for myself, for me raising another human is just not an attractive idea and never was.

Nowadays we have multiple ways to find out what motherhood is like before deciding if we want it or not. I really don't understand women who say "but people say it's wonderful, and natural and fulfilling"... I can't say that has been the majority, or even a significant part of what I have heard about motherhood along my life.

I am not surprised a lot of women regret motherhood, it's relentless, constant worry, boring, tiresome, the kids are sick all the time, and you spend years cleaning up bodily fluids. If not for that "overwhelming yearning" that many women profess to feel (which I gues is the biological impulse to reproduce), I don't think anyone would do it.

I think it’s changes you. I became really paranoid and anxious when i became a mother, I didn’t have a care in the world before. I’m much better now. If I had to do it all over again I would and wouldn’t change anything

My DC is three and is the best thing ever to me. No regrets.

I decided at age 11 when my mother gave me a book on the "facts of life" that I did not want children. Ive never wavered from that decision because I did not see how having children would serve my interests. I dont hate children. I used to be in a job where I would regularly conduct outreach activities with children (making models, quizzes etc). However at the end of that hour I was happy for their parents to come and collect them. It was not the children I did not want. It was the sustained responsibility. For many years I imagined that when nature put me together some of the bits were left out. The bits that concerned nurturing and closeness. Of wanting to be one half of a pair. Over the years I have gradually come to admit that I dont want to be one of a pair or the mother of a brood. I am complete in myself.

I think there are so many reasons why parenting feels hard. And not just because it IS hard at times.

I think expectations are higher - whether you are consciously sucked into it or not, we’re bombarded with unrealistic expectations of what being a mother looks like. It was much easier to feel like a good mum in the past.

Although in theory traditional gender roles are less rigid now, I think demands have increased on women while men are still - largely - getting away without doing their fair share. And when they do, they’re “helping”. There’s more than ever on women’s shoulders.

There’s less stigma in men who abandon their child. On forums like MN we’re all deeply critical but in society it’s relatively commonplace. Too many women are shouldering it all single-handedly.

On a similar note, many of us don’t have a village or wider family support. Historically families lived closer, and the extended family were more involved.

This will be unpopular but (some) people are just more selfish now. Society overall is less caring and less altruistic. People want to have fun and resent a child stopping them - even though they may have consciously planned to have children. I think more people expect - possibly subconsciously- to have a child and still have lots of time to do what they want. And when it becomes obvious that isn’t possible for a while, they may resent their child. Social media doesn’t help, presenting rather unrealistic ideas about how you can “have it all”.

I think it’s really positive that women now feel able to say “not for me” when thinking about motherhood.

I love being a mum. It’s really hard at times - I have SEN twins who are 15 yrs old and will never live independently. They still need to be showered and fed, and taken everywhere. So I do understand how knackering it is, I really do. I just wonder if society wasn’t so hard on women and if we weren’t exposed to such a bombardment of harmful, unrealistic images whether so many would still feel as resentful?

Always wanted to be a mum
Love being a mum
Best thing ever, it's all I've wanted since a young age

I have a good career and worked hard for it, but motherhood comes first for me and always will

Even saying this having been awake with a poorly toddler and baby since 3:40am ... 🫩

So what, though? It would make sense that not all women are natural mothers and some would regret being one. I'm guessing you're from the childless board and just want to ruffle some feathers? You're not unreasonable to think it, but it's U to post it.

I don’t find motherhood particularly fun or fulfilling (though I love my children) but I see it as an unspoken duty to create the next generation.

That said, modern couples have to spend a lot more time raising children because of higher expectations, unsafe communities, elderly grandparents, etc, than those in the past.

I hope you don't say that in front of your kids.

Of course I don’t ffs

Thanks for giving your experience, it’s really insightful, especially about the broodiness etc. I’m sorry you went through infertility and loss before having your DC.

I have 2 very close friends who both have SEN children & are absolutely amazing mothers, but I do understand that their lives look very different to how they had imagined, regardless of how much they wanted DC and how loved they are.
I hope you also have good support as it must be very hard with DC not able to the leave the house.

I think the problem is you have to have kids to realise you were probably better off without them!

I loved the idea of having children, desperately wanted them but now with hindsight, I know I could have had an equally fulfilling life. I love my children but I love working and travelling.

I'm definitely not a natural parent. I have to work very hard at being patient.

There is a huge difference between kids who have natural mothers who can offer a secure attachment bond and those with mothers who don't or can’t. A lot of psychological research has been done and the way children are bought up has an awful lot to answer for in society.

Isn’t that just parenting ?

This is mumsnet. Practically every other week there is a post where a parent is saying they regret having kids and why didn't anyone tell them about the emotional toil and drudgery. I commented once on a post that even if someone had told the op whilst she was pregnant would she have listened? She got all defensive but it isn't up to someone else to tell you what it can be like as it varies for us all. Use your own brain and make a choice.

It can be hard, not everyone is suited to being a parent, just because you can get pregnant doesn't mean you should and just because you are pregnant doesn't mean you have to go through with the pregnancy. It's easier now more than ever to choose not to have children (in terms of societal expectation) so people really ought to take their time and weigh up their choices.

I wasn’t a natural mum in the earlier years….
I don’t remember holding my newborns feeling full of love.
I had my 3 DC quite young and I think I almost resented them for taking away my freedom, which is totally ridiculous seeing as I chose to have them!
I hated the preschool years most. I didn’t want to spend hours at the park or build stuff out of loo rolls and cover it in horrible glitter.

I felt guilty all the time. I wasn’t the wonderful Mum to my kids that my mum was to me.

But…..I loved them, made sure they had everything they needed. Read to them, did homework with them, had friends round and did day trips etc.

I think I became the mum I wanted to be in the teenage years. I suddenly got that overwhelming rush of love for them and fierce protection of them. I LOVE being with them now. I love chatting with them, watching their silly tik toks, doing open days for uni and going to gigs of people I’ve never heard of.

I think I wasn’t a natural mum. I think it took some work but I found my place in the teenage years!

Yes. Not me, I bloody loved it and wish I had more.

A very close friend always talked about how she would have four children, couldn’t wait etc.

She had her DD and found it absolutely stifling. She was bored shitless. She went back to work FT when DD was three months old and has never had another child.

You just don't know how you'll feel until you try it. I thought I'd be happy as a SAHM. Hated it!

I've always really struggled to be a responsible adult and should not have been a parent. I did my best to parent my one child but I wish I'd resisted the social conditioning and innate urge to be a parent because I wasn't suited to it and I wasn't good at it.

Totally. I really struggled but think I did ok as they've turned into lovely adults.

This plus add the increasing neurodiversity into the mix with no support and we're all just struggling.

Or you have mums like me with tonnes of love to give but have struggling autistic kids who dont actually care most days so we end up feeling like we are a shell of ourselves.

This!!!!