To think not all women are “natural mothers” and some regret it but can’t say out loud?

[ThatWrySeal]

We’re told motherhood is the most natural, fulfilling thing. But AIBU to think some women regret it deeply, they just can’t say it without being vilified?

I think you and I have different experiences of unmotherly mothers.

I find these kinds of threads so interesting & appreciate everyone’s honesty. I’m early
40s now, don’t have children & always knew I didn’t want them, but I am genuinely interested to understand for those of you who did want children, and now have them & maybe regret it (despite obviously loving your children very much), what is it about the experience that differs from what you thought it would be? How does the reality differ from your pre-motherhood expectations? Or did you not have expectations and just “know” it was something you wanted to do?

The idea of raising children to me has always seemed like something I don’t want to do… there are so many parts of it that I just know I absolutely would not enjoy, and I know I’d feel resentful, exhausted & miserable. Literally a list as long as my arm. But I also have never felt that biological urge to want to be a mother / be pregnant / have a baby, so maybe that’s why it’s been an easy and very clear choice for me.
I’d be interested to know if others have felt that urge & that’s why they “knew” they wanted to have children? Is it something that you just felt you wanted/needed to do ?

I hope this doesn’t sound judgemental or anything,
I’m genuinely curious about others experiences.

My mum was like this: she told me she had never had any maternal feelings and it just wasn’t the done thing in her time for her not to have children so she’d gone along with it. Neither me and my sister have kids. I don’t think it’s just because of how we were brought up, I think like her we are genetically not inclined to it but in my lifetime, it’s become acceptable for women to have fulfilling lives without children in them (I’m 58).

I love pregnancy, newborns, extended breastfeeding - all of that.

I struggle massively once they start walking. I really, really am miserable until they’re about 4.

Now we do the family holidays, the clubs, the imaginative play etc. you name it - but Christ, it is boring.

I adore my children, and I’m lucky - they didn’t negatively affect my body, my career or my marriage - but I definitely took a back seat.

Sometimes we forget that while our babies are enjoying their firsts, it’s our first time living too. I’m 35 now and there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. No more children for me, and I’m happy with that.

I actually do love being a mother in many ways, but I’m not exactly an enthusiastic fluffy mum.

I do what I can but I’ve realised I lack the ability to make a childhood “magical”, e.g. I do not love being a mother enough to buy into the whole ‘Elf on a shelf’ shit. I struggle with executive function and organisation, so all the extra things we’re encouraged to do burn me out and make me feel guilty all the time, which really does affect my enjoyment of the whole thing. It’s almost like when you have children every aspect of your time has to be fully child centric, otherwise you’re a bad mum. Realistically, no one can keep that up for 18+ years without feeling a bit miserable. I wish we were encouraged to be a bit more relaxed, like how things were in the 90s, and focus on family time that’s enjoyable for everyone- not just the child all the time.

I’m not quite the person you want to hear from, as I don’t regret having my DC - though it has put a lot of hard limits on my life in ways I didn’t expect, due to SEN.

But I knew I wanted children largely because I felt a disturbingly strong biological urge to have a baby. Broodiness honestly felt like going mad - it was much less a happy feeling than a kind of obsession (made worse by years of infertility & loss). I am very glad not to feel it anymore.

(as an aside, I wonder if my experience of bloodiness was a bit like others’ experience of ‘food noise’? Like a persistent, intrusive craving?)

But I have also always enjoyed babies and children and found them interesting. I was never a person who couldn’t abide mess or noise or chaos, or who found kids’ conversation boring. I also wanted to have a set of family relationships - to be a partner and a mother and a daughter and a sibling. The idea of that was satisfying and comforting. So that’s what I wanted from the experience of motherhood.

I had my DC late so I’d seen the reality of my friends’ lives with DC and knew how hard and often grim it would be. What’s been different from my expectations has been less to do with the sacrifices of motherhood in general and more to do with SEN - it’s just extremely hard having a DC who won’t leave the house.

Yabu there’s no such thing as a ‘natural mother’. It’s an artificial construct used to judge yourself or others. All mothers are just human beings with different life challenges who probably feel a variety of emotions depending on their situation at any point in time.

Parenting goes on forever now a days!
My parents cut us loose at 17 and ee got jobs and fended for ourselves financially and emotionally.
It has come as a huge shock that I’m still very much involved in my older children’s lives.
Just didn’t see it happening and because I had 4 children in 14 years I have a long span of parenting.

You struggle to imagine neurodiverse women exist?

Lots of women were forced into motherhood by religion, societal pressure and their families. Lots of women have not been raised to believe they could grow up and not reproduce so as a result you have kids being brought up my women who resent the choices that were taken away from them and take it out on the resulting kids. Nevermind that the backlash is always easier on the man involved. My ex’s mum never wanted to have kids, but was forced to marry the bloke that hit her knocked up once. She ended up a shit mother of 4.

I think it’s not blank and white. I had feelings as a child that mum probably regretted me and my twin sister. Yet in our adult years I’ve felt pride and warmth from her. I think for many women there may be regretful phases in the early years, but in the later years reap the “rewards”. I think women can only truly answer the question of do they forget their children, when they come to the end of their life.

I had a difficult time as a mum of babies/toddlers. I don't function well deprived of sleep and honestly find little ones quite boring. I always adored my kids but I feel I am enjoying motherhood as a mum to older kids. I truly enjoy their company. I don't try to escape for adult conversation - they are great people in their own right and I love spending time with them. So if you feel like you're 'not a natural mum' you may find you grow into it.

Definitely this i loved the young years but struggling with the teen years

I don't think anyone is a natural mother, outside of the innate biological instinct to care for and protect our newborns. We just make up the rest and learn as we grow.

I actually think that at the moment, it's more unpopular to say you like being a mum. I love it 🤷 My little girl is 14 months old, and maternity leave was the best year of my life. She is my greatest love. For me, it was an earth shattering revelation. In some ways, it has changed me. She will always be my priority now. I've become more assertive. I won't stand for bullshit in relationships. I treat myself with more kindness. All because I want her to grow up seeing a mum who has a secure sense of self and good self/esteem/self worth, because I want her to grow up accepting herself, no matter what. I want her to know that she'll make mistakes and upset people sometimes, but that it's still okay to love herself.

But I'm still me. I still manage to go and do my hobby twice a week. I have the same friends. I have a life and interests outside of motherhood. I've not made mum friends. I just see my regular friends. I think continuing to have my own self outside of motherhood has helped me love it. I am lucky to have a great wife (we're gay) who pulls her weight and parents well. Lots of women don't have that.

Yes breastfeeding was hard but also reward. Sleep deprivation is hard. Thinking of 2000 meals a day is the worst. But seeing her experience everything for the first time is a magic which makes it worth it for me.

If it were "optional," none of us would do it.

I would.

Always wanted kids, love being a mum. I do struggle with not being a natural at mothering (whatever that means). It’s the hardest work I have ever done, but also the most fun and satisfying. I love my kids so much and have zero regrets in having them. My only regrets are things I feel I should have done better as a mother. I gave it my all though and maybe one day I will feel I deserve the title of “good mother.”

Me too. I think that comment is really silly too. It is optional now in most enlightened nations with reliable contraception and abortion rights. Looking at the birth rates, most women are having at least 1 child….

There’s a big difference between finding aspects of it tough and/or not enjoying parts of it, and regretting having children at all. I think everyone experiences the former to some degree. Regretting it completely - I think probably a lot fewer women are in that situation these days, now that we have the social choice not to and effective contraception. You can perfectly well still be “not a natural mum”, but not regret it either!

In previous eras, I think many women probably wished they hadn’t had children or had only done it because that was the expected role for women. My grandmother was someone who probably would have been better off not having children - she really didn’t enjoy it or like being a mother. These days though I know quite a few women who don’t have children by choice because they just don’t want to (as opposed to not being able to).

People have kids because-they see only the good bits and none of the shit bits like all fantasies
Fear of old age
All their family/friends are having them and they don't want to feel left out

I don't believe in a biological urge to have kids.

The problem is that the modern way of bring a Mum isn't natural.

Before modern times (last 200 years) kids would have brought up by whole communities - by Mums, Dad's, Aunties, Grannies, sisters, loads of extended family members. Women would have got plenty of help and support and kids often went off and played together so women could have a break.

Now women are largely doing it on their own in their isolated homes - or with a bit of help from Dad often while both juggling busy jobs.

Oh and we're also supposed to be super Mums, always fun, amazing homemakers and run a permanent play centre for our kids - all on our own!

No - my family is full of ND people of all stripes.

I just find it strange that people sometimes make life-changing decisions like having a child without cross-checking what it will likely involve against what they know they can’t tolerate.

Maybe that’s where the myths of motherhood come in - people assume that becoming a mother can turn you into a person who’s not bothered by chaos and mess and noise and having no alone time, that it’s part of the process. Maybe it is for some people! But it hasn’t been for the folks I know, sadly.

I didn't want DC for the longest time and now I have 3 which certainly wasn't the plan but I don't have any regrets.

I hate the baby stage and was glad to get it out of the way. So far, I enjoy it more the older they get.

Yeah but there's a reason for the not saying it out loud part... children are human beings. It's not their fault. They don't ever deserve to hear that. And yes parenthood can be very hard. But like many choices you make in life it leads you down a certain path it's impossible to turn around. So really you have to try abd deal with it. For your and your child's sake.
But I totally agree that not all women are natural mothers. I'm pro choice and think every woman should really consider seriously if having children or not is something she can stand by even when it's hard.. and if there's the slightest doubt she should not do it.

For me though I fell pregnant unexpectedly in my 20s and chose to keep the baby. It was very very hard. I wasn't a natural mother. I developed PPP and depression. I lost my job. I had physical issues caused by the birth.
It was a very traumatic experience.
HOWEVER I stood by my choice and worked at it. I now consider myself to be a competent mother. I also have learned to value and enjoy parenthood. So much so that I went on to have two more children who I did feel more immediately maternal with.
Of course there's much more to life for women than parenthood but I do think it's deeply sad when some women end up being parents but can't embrace it.
I just view it as if it wasn't that it would be some other facet of life. Life doesn't always go how you want it to go and often you just need to make what you actually have meaningful and rewarding.

And it's important to be reasonable and look at the whole picture.
Parts of parenting can be very tedious and hard. Other parts can be joyful and rewarding. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be a 'natural mother' but I love my kids very much and they have added so much to my life. I hope I am as good at mothering them as I could possibly be. That doesn't mean I don't have days where they've watched too much tv and the house looks like a bomb hit it because I can't be arsed.
You don't have to be out here being the perfect person and giving up your whole identity 24/7. Most people just muddle along doing their best.
I honestly think the whole concept of 'natural mothers' and/or regretting parenthood just makes something very complex into this silly black and white debate.
Most normal women will have days of their lives as parents where they think 'wtf was i doing having kids!!' and other days where it all makes complete sense. Theyll have days where they feel like theyve lost themselves and they'll have other days where they feel they've got everything they ever wanted.

My kids are young adults and when they were babies the only mothers who were publicly celebrated were the ‘brave’ ones who told ‘the truth’ about how hard it was. So this is not a new concept and I really think the established narrative is that it’s hard and miserable and if you don’t find it so you’re either a boring person with no aspirations or you’re lying. I’ve been accused of both but I lead a happy life and I’ve loved being a mum so I do my best to ignore the negativity.

I do agree that saying you regret motherhood isn’t socially acceptable and nor should it be. You’ve brought children into the world and IMO telling your truth should take a back seat to not emotionally damaging them by letting the world know you wish you’d never had them.

You see i hated pregnancy, hated extended breastfeeding (did it because im lazy and didnt want to make bottles!) And hated the stage between about 6 weeks and 13 months.. I LOVE when they start walking, chasing me, playing a bit, starting to not be so physically attached to me, sleeping a bit better etc..
My eldest is 3 - ive loved every minute of the last year!
My youngest is 14 months - and ive hated every minute of the last year 🤣

Im 34 and would absolutely do it again, regardless of loosing my job (and colleagues!), friends, dreams and sanity!