To be starting to feel quite resentful of this situation and to have a talk with DH

[JuneBug7]

DH and I share two young children, he also has two older children who are 11 & 14.

In February of this year their mum had a breakdown and they had to come and live with us. She has been pretty unwell since and so they have continued to live with us full time, seeing their mum the occasional weekend, never overnight .

The children are great but I am starting to feel really resentful of the situation for a few reasons.

Firstly, DH is still paying their mum maintenance despite them not having lived with her for over 6 months (and not doing so again any time soon). We are not poor but we are not wealthy either so this isn't money we don't miss. He says he doesn't want to make life even more difficult for their mum (she is not working and also has other children) which I understand but I think it's time it stops and that money is our towards our family.

Secondly, I feel like there is just an expectation that I will cover additional costs 50:50 with DH and, perhaps wrongly I concede, it irks me. He has not offered anything more than his half to anything, food shopping, take aways, day trips, treats etc.. it's just assumed that I'll pay half like we did before (we have separate finances). This was ok before when DSC were here less frequently but now it's as though I'm just expected to absorb £££ extra a month to cover his DC being here.

We earn practically the same so it's not that I am the main bread winner. I don't know how to fully explain it because if he offered I'd probably say it was fine and I'd pay half but it's the assumption.

Lots of our costs have nearly doubled and the assumption is we can just go halves, while he's also still paying his ex to not look after their DC too?

I feel like I am being taken for granted and walked over and I am starting to really resent the whole situation. Aibu and aibu to tell DH this and say the maintenance should stop now or if not he will have to make up the shortfall for our extra bills himself.

That seems very wrong to me. That maintenance money should be used to help cover costs for his children now living full time with him and you.

I understand from both perspectives. I think he sounds like a decent man, and its very noble of him to want to do the right thing. Perhaps rather than cutting the money off altogether he could discuss reducing it.

Regards paying for the children, I think in a marriage those costs should be family costs and I'd feel quite upset if I were in your husband's shoes.

I can see that this is very frustrating.

You don’t mention what has happened when you have tried to discuss this increase in expenses with him. What does he say when you ask?

I agree it is difficult re: maintenance and he does sound like he is at least looking out for the mother of his children in a difficult situation … but giving money to support her while the additional money basically half comes from you isn’t fair, no.

I’d suggest asking to discuss a deadline around the CMS payments, as while happy to DSDs to stay, you don’t want to be out of pocket while money is going to her for the children.

Yanbu.

The maintenance is money for the costs that come with caring for the children. They are with you two the majority of the time now, therefore your costs have naturally increased

Fair enough not to put a claim in for maintenance from her, but I think that he needs to stop his contributions for now.

Surely he is still helping her a lot by only stopping the maintenance that he needlessly pays her and not asking her to start paying him maintenance for looking after their joint children full-time.

I don't see how you can really call it child maintenance if it isn't going towards any costs for the children. It's basically turned into spousal maintenance (were they actually married?) - which is normally only paid by extremely high-earning people, certainly not those with average incomes.

This entirely

I think its a very difficult situation for all but most of all your DH and his kids OP.

How old are your children you share together?

Easy to make noble gestures when your wife is making up the financial shortfall.

He’d rather upset you than his ex. That’s what he’s saying.

Not a good sign given his expectations of you to parent and fund them more than their own mother does.

Absolutely have a talk and make it extremely clear that it ends now and he needs to start prioritising his own household over someone else’s!

He needs to give her a bit of notice that the maintenance will be stopping as you now have the DC 100% of the time. Also I don’t think it’s fair you’re paying 50% of everything. I’d raise it with him.

Hmm.

obviously you are right but depending on his ex’s actual situation I’d be reluctant to do anything about it in the short term.

is she likely to recover quickly (ish) and things go back to how they have been? If so I’d be grinning and bearing it.

if not, then I’d be having some conversations with dh about where he sees this going.

I agree that he needs to stop paying maintenance. He could do it over a period of say 3 months so there's time for her to adjust.
It just isn't fair ans you cant afford it as a family

You are being treated unfairly and being taken advantage of financially. The maintenance he pays to his ex wife should be being used to support his children now living with you. This is the sort of family financial decision that should be taken with the agreement of both of you, not by him telling you what will happen.

You need another discussion with him, where you stand your ground and refuse to be ignored. Obviously he wants to play the hero to his ex, but it's really you who are paying the cost. You need to work as a team, perhaps come to a compromise about giving the ex a much reduced amount.

Why not do a breakdown of the extra costs involved, how much more you've been contributing, and suggestions for changes that would satisfy you and get rid of your resentment. No doubt it is a lot of extra work for you too, so point that out as well.

If all that gets you no where, then it's time for Plan B!

I don’t think DP can stop paying his ex because some of his payment will probably go towards housing costs and utilities which won’t change much with a smaller household . But he could remove what she normally spends on food from the payment and put it towards your food bills.

I agree with you that the maintenance should stop. An exception might be if stopping would have a drastic impact that would affect the kids too - eg if she would lose her home without maintenance, since then there would be nowhere for the DSC to stay with her once she is (hopefully) better. In that situation I would consider helping to ensure that doesn’t happen.

I don’t agree about not sharing DSC costs 50/50 - when a couple is married I think all costs and income should be shared. If you think too much is being spent on DSC then the solution is to discuss what can be saved. Making their expenses come out of “his” money doesn’t solve the problem, as it still affects you long term if he has less money.

I think before you do, you need to have some thoughts to what will happen if he says no to either suggestion. But I agree, the maintenance needs to stop. He's paying for a household he's not involved in at all. That money is for his kids.

Explain it to him, that what he's actually doing is being generous with YOUR money. You're paying more & he's giving it to her. Maybe then he'll understand your POV.

To me some of this depends on whether she is likely to recover enough to have the kids back, and whether pulling the financial support is likely to set that plan back. Might be worth a short term investment? Why can she keep her other kids but not your DH’s?

Maintenance is for the children NOT for the ex wife!

I think in the same situation I would be prepared to continue paying half providing the child maintenance currently paid to the mother while they live with you is reassessed. I wouldn't mind a small amount being paid . One days? .. to help and to reflect the day they are with her. If the rest was put into the family financial joint pot I would be happy to continue paying half because there would then be more disposable income to spend on all of the children.

Not a single parson on here would think him paying his ex maintenance for children no longer in her household would ever say that if it was the other way around and a woman was paying a man for kids he wasn’t funding in any way. Absolutely fucking laughable. That money is for the children in the home they live in.

How’s she managing to look after her other kids but not your step kids? How do they feel about being ditched while their siblings are still with mum?

I wouldn’t mention anything about the maintenance, especially since your finances are separate so technically it’s his money and up to him what he wants to do with it. By that same standard however, he cannot expect to automatically commandeer your funds for the increased expenditure by keeping up the 50/50 status quo. I mean perhaps it just hasn’t occurred to him, but I doubt it!

I would say something along the lines of ‘hey DH we need to have a chat about household costs. As you will be aware these costs have increased significantly and while I am very happy to support you and your children and happy to have them here etc I do feel we need some further discussion. I want to financially contribute however, I don’t feel it’s fair to expect me to share these extra bulk in costs on a 50/50 basis, I think it would be better if we re-evaluate and look at making things more financially fair. Do you have anything you would like to add or any suggestions?’

I think approaching it this way and making it clear that you don’t have a problem with his DC, that you don’t have issue with contributing and that you aren’t issuing any ultimatums but instead are simply requesting a calm conversation to discuss your finances should be the part of least resistance and if he’s a decent man he should be happy to discuss.

You do have to tread carefully here though, he could get defensive and protective regarding his DC (which I understand) but what you are asking for is not unreasonable, if anything what he is just assuming of you is unreasonable….if he can’t have a decent conversation with you about this without accusing you if not wanting his DC, or saying you are all about the money etc I fear you have bigger problems than just the finances.

I don't necessarily agree he should stop maintenance entirely but he should reduce it. I'm assuming she hasn't moved house and the sdc still have a space in her home on which she'll be paying a mortgage/rent? Not all costs her will disappear because the children aren't there.

This is wise. I think it’s a sign of a decent bloke and if something were to happen & you broke up, you know he would be prioritising you & the children. If it’s leaving you short it obviously needs discussing but if you aren’t skint I don’t think it’s bad m. She’s literally had a breakdown.

I think this is one of those situations that should be considered when marrying someone with children, the possibility they may live with you. I think they’re your family now to be honest. Don’t mean that to sound harsh though as appreciate it’s complex.

It definitely needs a discussion but I would not ho in too hard.

I think asking him to set a timeline on the child maintenance is extremely reasonable, not least because it's fair to the DC to recognize that they're living with you and DH and stop leaving them in limbo where they feel like everyone expects it to revert back at any moment. But setting that a little ways out with a defined timeline is reasonable.

As for the rest of the expenses... honestly as a married person and a stepmum I disagree with your approach. You and DH have four children in this family you have both chosen to create. The things you describe are joint expenses and should be included in a family budget that you set together and pay into in a way that leaves you each with the same amount of disposable income for individual (non-family) spending. I honestly don't understand why people choose to create a marriage where one spouse has a different lifestyle than the other and everything needs to be divvied into mine vs yours. It's a marriage, not a business arrangement; he doesn't have a 67% interest in your family that he needs to buy into proportionally.