To be starting to feel quite resentful of this situation and to have a talk with DH

[JuneBug7]

DH and I share two young children, he also has two older children who are 11 & 14.

In February of this year their mum had a breakdown and they had to come and live with us. She has been pretty unwell since and so they have continued to live with us full time, seeing their mum the occasional weekend, never overnight .

The children are great but I am starting to feel really resentful of the situation for a few reasons.

Firstly, DH is still paying their mum maintenance despite them not having lived with her for over 6 months (and not doing so again any time soon). We are not poor but we are not wealthy either so this isn't money we don't miss. He says he doesn't want to make life even more difficult for their mum (she is not working and also has other children) which I understand but I think it's time it stops and that money is our towards our family.

Secondly, I feel like there is just an expectation that I will cover additional costs 50:50 with DH and, perhaps wrongly I concede, it irks me. He has not offered anything more than his half to anything, food shopping, take aways, day trips, treats etc.. it's just assumed that I'll pay half like we did before (we have separate finances). This was ok before when DSC were here less frequently but now it's as though I'm just expected to absorb £££ extra a month to cover his DC being here.

We earn practically the same so it's not that I am the main bread winner. I don't know how to fully explain it because if he offered I'd probably say it was fine and I'd pay half but it's the assumption.

Lots of our costs have nearly doubled and the assumption is we can just go halves, while he's also still paying his ex to not look after their DC too?

I feel like I am being taken for granted and walked over and I am starting to really resent the whole situation. Aibu and aibu to tell DH this and say the maintenance should stop now or if not he will have to make up the shortfall for our extra bills himself.

I think it depends. how much is he earning? how much does the ex earn. If he is a very high earner, and ex is on a very low pay but enabled him to climb the career ladder by being the primary carer, i would probably let it slide. is she at risk of losing her home if maintenance stopped? Is the plan for the DC to eventually move back in with her (i.e. home is needed). There are so many factors and it's really hard to comment without knowing the details.

That maintenance needs to be going into your household as you have additional costs ! No brainier

You need to discuss the maintenance issue (at least reduce and put it towards where the children actually live at the moment) and the fact that you’re suddenly footing an additional unexpected 2 children.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, it’s an expected adjustment.

The maintenance payments your husband is making to his ex-wife, is supposed to be for the children they share. The children have been living with you and their Dad for the past 6 months, due to the ex wife's MH. If the children were likely to be returning to their Mum soon, I'd continue with the maintenance payments. However, if the children returning to their Mum wasn't imminent, and is looking as if they could be living with you permanently, then maintenance needs to stop. Your husband has been kind enough to continue those payments, when actually he shouldn't have been. In fact, he should be claiming maintenance from his ex wife! The money he's currently paying isn't really maintenance but a form of spousal support. By not paying his ex wife, it would then help your household with the extra expenditure. Your husband can't expect you to be helping to support his children, whilst money he could be using, is being given to his ex. Yes, when you take on someone with children, there is always a possibility that you may end up, indirectly help support your step-children financially. I think to a degree, it's part and parcel of the situation. To soften the blow to his ex, he could decrease the money over a couple of months, but he needs to be firm, that as the children are with him full-time, she can no longer expect maintenance.

Why haven’t you raised this before if it is 50/50 then yes he needs to pay more and stop maintenance until she can have them back

DH is still paying their mum maintenance despite them not having lived with her for over 6 months

That is for the children. That should go into your joint account and you should go back to paying what you paid before.

Agree. He is paying her this money at your expense. I would be very impressed and have a discussion. You've been very supportive in putting up with this for 6 months. You cannot be expected to subsidise her and her other children.

I would have thought this maintenance money his extra is receiving might be affecting her application for benefits (haven’t claimed benefits for some years so am not certain).

It is certainly money that could be going towards the children, which is what it’s intended for.

Id honestly say that it is time for her financial situation to be separated out.

It won’t have any impact on benefits but he’s taking money from his kids and his and OP’s shared kids to get to his ex and her other kids. Which is indefensible and insane.

YANBU. Tell him he needs to increase his contribution and he can fund that by stopping the payments to ex.

He is prioritising ex over you.

I think you should feel thankful that you're with someone so decent. His children are his biggest responsibility and their mother is the most important person in their lives. They come as a package. It's amazing to me how many men don't seem to understand this or care.

Also it's very short-sighted...surely you want their mum to recover so that the children can go back to her?

His children are currently living with their father and op. The ex wife has other children that aren't his. Why should op be subsidising those children and her dh ex wife?

He is prioritising [sic] ex over you.

While I agree that a timeline for ending maintenance needs to be set, this is a really unhelpful framing.

OP's husband likely knows that the best thing for his DC/OP's DSC is for their mum to get back to a stable place in her life and have a home where they can live part time. Centring the children means caring about their mum's wellbeing and ability to care for them among many other things. Op's DH not wanting to make a hard time harder for her doesn't mean he's prioritizing his ex over OP.

OP, it sounds like your DH is in a difficult spot as a parent. Empathizing with that when you ask for a him to reduce or end maintenance in the near future is a better approach than trying to make this about you vs her.

So if this woman has other children which are living with her, has she got a partner? If she has other children then why can't she have the others?
Paying maintenance should stop. Surely she's entitled to benefits, unless she has a partner living with her, but that's not your DP's problem.
Yes, there's a bit of give and take in these situations but your DP is completely taking you for granted. Your subsidising him and his kids.
Time to speak up.

You are not at all being unreasonable! Of course your DP should pay to cover his children. Have a look back over the last few months bank statements to work out how much worse off you are. Sit down calmly and explain to Dp you can’t keep doing this and he needs to adjust his house share out of his income or by reducing the child maintenance. Tbh he really should have volunteered this himself. Given him benefit of the doubt here that he’s a decent bloke and you can work it out.
But don’t be subsidising his children at expense of what could be savings for your own children or pensions etc. Think if the shoe was on the other foot - I bet you would have immediately adjusted the payments so you paid more to cover your children. He is being very thoughtless at best and selfish at worst.
Does he do the majority of his children’s care, washing, cooking, school and hobby car drives etc or is that falling to you too? If he is also leaving you to parent his children and play housekeeper I’d be asking to adjust this too!
Don’t be a doormat - nothing good comes from it except a life permanently down trodden

this.

We had this very similar situation - DH paid DSCs mum an additional month to give her a chance to get finances sorted but then stopped. We cannot afford it and the money was for the kids. DH and I still pay bills and mortgage the same as we used to but he covers DSCs clothes, school dinner money, social stuff. He also pays slightly more to the food budget to pay for them. I was pretty clear from thr beginning that I couldn’t pay half of all the costs for DSC.

How much maintenance is he paying?

I can see both sides.
I imagine he feels its a bit of a dickish move to stop maintenance when his dc mum is so unwell.
I can understand your frustration over costs.

So being noble only extends to the ex wife does it? And relies on the expectation of the OP ‘being noble’ with no say in the matter by subsidising the whole tribe. DH, ex and Dsc

Why? Maintenance is for the dc not the ex. DC are with the OP so why is us paying his ex a salary basically. Because it’s not maintenance if she didn’t have the dc

Maintenance is for the DC not the ex. As the DC are with the OP he is basically just paying his ex an allowance. And this is ONLY possible because the OP is paying for his DC.
so it’s not the DH who is being decent. It’s easy to be decent with someone else’s money.

DH first responsibility is his DC but instead he is forcing the OP to cover the costs of his DC at home so he can still pay his ex some fun money. I call it this because it’s not money to pay for his dc. It’s just money he’s giving her.
where is the father of the other DC the DH is subbing by paying maintenance for? Because the money he is paying isn’t for his DC ad they live with the OP not the ex

So he is pay maintenance to the mother of the children who has no child expense out of his income which is a income within your martiage, and then expects you, who isn't the mother of the children, to pay half of the children's expenses out of your income and just asumes this is OK without discussing it with you. No wonder you are feeling taken advantage of. YANBU. Time for a serious conversation.

.....OP ‘being noble’ with no say in the matter by subsidising the whole tribe. DH, ex and Dsc...

And the ex's other children. Is their father contributing?

What is happening at the moment is that DH, and indirectly OP, are contributing to the maintenance of children that are not theirs when that money could be used for the children in their own household.

Well the OP has outlined the details. Maybe read the post. He is not a high earner. This is impacting significantly on the household.