To be starting to feel quite resentful of this situation and to have a talk with DH

[JuneBug7]

DH and I share two young children, he also has two older children who are 11 & 14.

In February of this year their mum had a breakdown and they had to come and live with us. She has been pretty unwell since and so they have continued to live with us full time, seeing their mum the occasional weekend, never overnight .

The children are great but I am starting to feel really resentful of the situation for a few reasons.

Firstly, DH is still paying their mum maintenance despite them not having lived with her for over 6 months (and not doing so again any time soon). We are not poor but we are not wealthy either so this isn't money we don't miss. He says he doesn't want to make life even more difficult for their mum (she is not working and also has other children) which I understand but I think it's time it stops and that money is our towards our family.

Secondly, I feel like there is just an expectation that I will cover additional costs 50:50 with DH and, perhaps wrongly I concede, it irks me. He has not offered anything more than his half to anything, food shopping, take aways, day trips, treats etc.. it's just assumed that I'll pay half like we did before (we have separate finances). This was ok before when DSC were here less frequently but now it's as though I'm just expected to absorb £££ extra a month to cover his DC being here.

We earn practically the same so it's not that I am the main bread winner. I don't know how to fully explain it because if he offered I'd probably say it was fine and I'd pay half but it's the assumption.

Lots of our costs have nearly doubled and the assumption is we can just go halves, while he's also still paying his ex to not look after their DC too?

I feel like I am being taken for granted and walked over and I am starting to really resent the whole situation. Aibu and aibu to tell DH this and say the maintenance should stop now or if not he will have to make up the shortfall for our extra bills himself.

If your finances are separate, then you can't really tell him to stop paying his ex. He's doing his best to look after the mother of his children. That's good, he's being decent. Perhaps revisit things when she is well? I wouldn't push him now, especially when it's not joint money he's giving her, it's his own.

You don't seem to resent the money, but rather the assumption that you don't resent it? Is that right? You can try just having a conversation about it, perhaps say that you feel like your contribution to take aways is indirectly funding his ex-wife. I don't think that's true though, really, but I can see why you might see it that way.

I think 50/50 of general expenses is ok as family money. But he needs to stop paying his ex. She is lucky she isn’t being asked to him pay for her children herself

Indirectly you’re paying her. It’s wrong of him to assume you’re okay with this and wrong for him not to stop it. If he wants to financially support her he needs to do it independently of you, plus he also pays more into your kitty.

It is way more than this. The OP is paying half of all the costs of having her step children living with them whilst her husband pays the morher of his children maintenance for children she has that she doesn't look after. IF he paid all the costs of having the children at their house and THEN used his own money to pay maintenance, it might be acceptable. But it is still taking family money away from the family and paying to an ex who is not incurring any cost related to their shared children.

The woman has had a breakdown, and the best thing for her children is that she gets to keep the family home and they get to work up to getting back there. I would have no issues at all with my husband supporting that.

The costs of the children are another matter. I would see it as a temporary extra household expense, and perhaps put a deadline on it? Suck it up until Christmas and then see where we were? It is a crisis and I would want to support my husband in navigating it as best he could.

He is using you massively. They are not your children and any extra money you are spending should be on your own kids. Such a cheek of him making you spend more and then giving his ex the money on top!!

Maintenance for the dc pays for a house big enough for them not just for things like food that now comes out of your household. Even if the dc’s are going to be with you long term the mum clearly isn’t in a position to be reorganising her outgoings / moving to a smaller home etc. I think your DH is doing the right thing not pulling the financial rug out from under a woman who has had a breakdown and lost her children.

in terms of your household finances you need to sit down and re-budget now your costs are greater. Part of that should be discussing how expenses are split between you if you are keeping your finances separate.

Maintenance is for the DC not the ex. As the DC are with the OP he is basically just paying his ex an allowance.

Maintenance also goes towards things like rent or mortgage and these don't magically drop when the DSC stop living there, especially when everyone involved hopes that change is very temporary. If the hope is that the mother is able to have the DSC staying with her again in the relatively near future then I don't think OP's DH was wrong to keep maintenance going initially to avoid contributing to financial problems on top of what the mum and children were already going through. But now that it's been 6 months it's time to look at this as a longer-term arrangement and make a change.

That would be very kind of you, a very generous thing to do, and I would hope, that in return for being a loving wife, you'd expect your partner to also treat you with respect and kindness, and therefore talk to you about it first, rather than just assume you'll fund his kids 50/50 so he can give money to his ex?

OP is feeling like she's taken for granted, whilst at the same time, watching him show compassion and kindness to his ex. I can completely understand why she's upset with that.

He’s generously continuing to support his ex to not look after his kids, while also not even mentioning to his wife that he’s expecting her to pay more for his kids. I would sit him down and say that, and say maybe if he’d considered you you’d be fine but you’re feeling very taken for granted and he should at least halve the amount he pays his ex and chuck it into the family finances to support his family, who are all here, instead of just expecting you to step up so he can support his ex. It’s child maintenance and the children are here, so you’re the woman taking on the cost and his ex is the woman he’s paying to.

Tell him exactly what is on your mind. Nothing good will come from leaving this resentment to build.

This is MN. People on 100k moan how they are hard done by and not rich. Nobody here knows the details apart from OP.

Are her other children still in her care through all this?

YANBU, he should at least reduce the payment to her. I guess she’s the kids mum and by helping her, he’s helping them ( they wouldn’t want to see their mum struggle). He sounds like a good man, but yes, payments need to taper down/off.

But if she looses her home because she lost £500/£600 a month income ,they will never go home will they .
But he does need a conversation with her about when they go home or when the maintenance stops ..one or the other needs to happen asap..

Plus he's being very generous with your money
Did a discussion on finances not taken place before they moved in ..did anyone ask your opinion op ,if it was ok they moved in

The maintenance money is for the children. Not their Mum. Can't he see that? Her other children are not husband responsibility. Paying this to her is di weird and is actually depriving his children.

Completely agree.

But I have seen another thread where a male OP was told he should keep paying it despite having full custody. Ridiculous.

Does your DH need to admit the extra kids are his? Only reason I can see why he'd pay ex matinance while the kids live with him.
Who is paying school dinners for the older 2?
Who bought the uniform?
Why isn't the ex paying the minimum in matinance out of her benefits to him?

Most importantly wherer is the CB going? Os she still claiming for them if so this is fraud and she needs to learn to live in her means.
Why hasn't she taken the older ones back - they must feel horrible that she still has the younger ones.

I don’t understand the maintenance being for rent and mortgage argument tbh. OP’s DH clearly has enough space to house the children, and is therefore paying those additional housing costs as well. A lot of NRPs who pay maintenance are.

I think you should approach this from a family finance point of view - it's good to review where you're at periodically anyway, and after 6 months everything's bedded down so you can have a proper discussion about it.

I think laying it out (carefully avoiding accusations and demands) and letting the data speak for itself should work as he does sound decent. Perhaps if he wants to keep paying the maintenance, he could at least reduce it, to come a little way towards paying for your rise in costs (but see if he'll suggest that, rather than you)

I 100% agree - my DH has 3 young adult kids (in addition to the two young kids we have together) and still supports them financially to an extent, and as long as we can afford it I am happy for him to do so. I have also said I would be happy for them to live with us if they needed it. I married him knowing he had a family already, and now they are my family too. The only arrangement we have re spending on his kids is that he tells me about it so I'm not puzzling over where money has gone. I think you need to be looking ahead and thinking about what kind of relationship you want with them all in the future

I think the context is important. She had a breakdown. If she went into hospital either voluntarily or under the MHA, this takes a long time to get over. If OPs ex stopped paying, would she be able to just return to work or get a new job immediately? PIP is hard to get for MH alone and takes 10- 24 weeks to complete, it’s not that she’s workshy, she’s likely in recovery and stability is key. Losing her home, if this would be an outcome, would massively destabilise this. I really resent the use of ‘fun money’ by a PP, this is the least fun situation in the world.
Should the OP have a breakdown, I wonder how she would like her DH to act? Obviously the amount of money and the combined family income is important, if this is putting you into hardship then obviously you’ll need to reassess.

More context is needed. On the face of it, absolutely AIBU. Even if funding the house 50/50 is fair, nobody gets and stays married to a man who is voluntarily funding another woman and her unrelated kids.

If SC are nightmares and will be returning to their mum in a couple of months, though, it’d be short-sighted to do anything which would prevent that.

Resentful? I'd be raging. He's taking the piss.

Paying his ex for no bloody reason but expecting you to foot the bill for his 2 kids? I'd have to put my foot down on this.

Agree. He has 4 dc whereas you have 2.