‘Lacks etiquette’ - wouldn’t say it about a man.

[Lackingetiquette]

Name change.

This phrase: ‘She lacks etiquette. She should not have done that to me.’ Said by a man, about a female colleague.

Would you find it sexist or think it had vaguely sexist connotations? Context is that a female colleague had to duck out of a 1-2-1 with a male colleague to take an emergency call. She said she’d be right back (both accept this) and then dialled off the call. She called him back two minutes later. I know it was an emergency. I manage both colleagues.

But, here is my AIBU. AIBU to think that a man would never say that phrase (that someone lacks etiquette) about a male member of staff? I would never say it about anyone, but I do for some reason find it particular offensive to be said about a woman. It reminds me slightly of ‘that woman was so rude. How dare she keep me, a man, waiting.’ Perhaps it was the delivery of the line, but it just feels off.

I’m very happy to be told IABU, but equally if people do see where I am coming from I’d welcome thoughts on how to raise this today in my next catchup with said person.

You're right, a male colleague would have had those words said about them.

I can see where you’re coming from but unless a similar incident happens with a male colleague you’ve annoyingly got no proof he wouldn’t say similar.

I think his reaction overall is over the top, emergencies happen, it was only a couple of minutes,I don’t think his comment was necessary.

Criticising someone who has managed an emergency lacks courtesy.

Ask him to be specific about the etiquette of the situation- how would he have handled it. Try and phrase it so you are applying the etiquette to him,

For a man I might say he was uncouth or rough around the edges. I wouldn't overthink his own particular choice of words.

I’d be annoyed he was commenting in the first place, but the word etiquette wouldn’t particularly bother me. “Work etiquette” is a phrase?

So the opposite has happened for you to know it wouldn't happen?

I wouldn't use the etiquette for anyone under about 70 man or woman but I doubt i would always use the exact same words all the time for men or women i would mean the same thing in this instance

No they wouldn’t. But they might still disagree worth the behaviour (possibly not!) and phrase it as ‘it was inappropriate’.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

It’s the particular phrase I found to be slightly sexist or ‘off.’ If he had said it in any other way I wouldn’t have been quite so startled.

‘It was inappropriate’ or ‘it was rude’ would have been fine. But ‘she lacks etiquette’ just felt wrong.

I don't think saying someone "lacks etiquette " is grammatically correct? He could say "lacks good etiquette " or "lacks manners". I'd personally pick him up on that at your catch up, as a priority...

Anyway, as you were..

i think he would of said much worse to a man
lacks etiquette in the work place is a politer way of saying unprofessional

He’s way overreacting but I don’t get the sexism angle. It sounds like he means work place etiquette which is just a phrase and isn’t gender specific. In my old job my female colleague used to say it about a chap that sat near us who was fond of eating fish and chips at his desk.

It's the "to me" that's more telling imo. And honestly I can't believe he's running to his manager telling tales about this. She explained at the time and they continued the call.

How old is he? Do you like him as a work colleague or does he annoy you in general?

I would think HE was the arse. Not her. Who does he think he is - the king?

Sounds very old fashioned rather than sexist to me.

The fact that he even felt the need to comment on this after the event is what lacks etiquette, empathy etc.

Any half decent human would realise that taking a brief emergency call is sometimes needed. The appropriate response is 'no problem, call me back when you can'.

would he be irritated to be treated the same way by a man? Tgats the question

He’s a bit of pig. He’s rough. Can be a bully. All things I’ve heard about men at work.

It rings a bell of ‘if we must accept women in the workplace they should have the decency to act like Men!’ to me!

or the subtext of ‘she took a phone call from her child’s school- SEE THIS, This is why women shouldn’t get promoted.

I ve used the phrase or similar about a man. I don't think this is a gender issue.

I ld ask the complainer to elaborate on why he thinks that. I ld also ask: is it fair for a colleague to occasionally prioritise a genuine emergency over an internal work call that can be rescheduled?

Is it polite to be understanding in the circumstances. Maintaining flexibility and collegialuty is important.

It possibly is an ego issue.

It's not sexist, it seems like a "polite" way of saying he thought someone was rude. Though why he didn't just say rude is weird.
Nobody was being rude, imo.

He doesn't understand the meaning of the word etiquette. Buy him a copy of Just Good Manners and leave it on his desk.

Edited to add: Actually, on reflection, it depends on how she dialled off the call- if she literally said " I'll be right back" with no further explanation, then that was a bit rude (or lacking in etiquette- however you want to put it). If she explained the situation briefly before dialling off, then less so. Honestly, I think people are getting a bit worn down by WFH and people constantly ducking out of calls to receive parcels, let the dog walker in etc. so possibly are not as gracious as they might be in these circumstances.

What does he claim she should have done instead? To claim that his personal convenience should come before an emergency sounds extremely arrogant. I think you need to point that out to him.

Lacks etiquette is a very old fashioned phrase. While you’re right that it wouldn’t be used for a man, there are other phrases that are for men like Neanderthal which are used.

Is the sexism because she had a home/family emergency and her partner is unlikely to be doing the same as her at his work?

I would have explored that with him. IME men get praised for managing everything, so the feedback would be "even though he had an emergency, he got back to me", women are just expected to spin plates, but fault is still found by some people.