‘Lacks etiquette’ - wouldn’t say it about a man.

[Lackingetiquette]

Name change.

This phrase: ‘She lacks etiquette. She should not have done that to me.’ Said by a man, about a female colleague.

Would you find it sexist or think it had vaguely sexist connotations? Context is that a female colleague had to duck out of a 1-2-1 with a male colleague to take an emergency call. She said she’d be right back (both accept this) and then dialled off the call. She called him back two minutes later. I know it was an emergency. I manage both colleagues.

But, here is my AIBU. AIBU to think that a man would never say that phrase (that someone lacks etiquette) about a male member of staff? I would never say it about anyone, but I do for some reason find it particular offensive to be said about a woman. It reminds me slightly of ‘that woman was so rude. How dare she keep me, a man, waiting.’ Perhaps it was the delivery of the line, but it just feels off.

I’m very happy to be told IABU, but equally if people do see where I am coming from I’d welcome thoughts on how to raise this today in my next catchup with said person.

I’d say it about either sex but I think he sounds an absolute drama queen. She had an emergency call and called him back two mins later - why is it even worth talking about?!

Tbh male colleague sounds more about his entitlement, though yes likely sexist. Big manly man should have nice office girls full attention.

She didnt do it to him, she prioritised a personal urgent matter over a work matter. He was irrelevant. Someone should tell him that.

Regardless of his poor choice of language, has he no empathy? I would be admonishing him for making a mountain out of a molehill and telling him to grow up. This should never have been brought to your attention in the first place - is he 12 years old? Someone making you wait 2 minutes would not even warrant any kind of investigation from me - at all. Speaking as an employer. If any of my team spoke to me about something like this I would assume they had too much time on their hands.

@Lackingetiquette Ahh, be careful about sharing these details online... You have a confidentiality obligation to both staff members and these details are quite specific (and easily searchable)

I am not sure that ‘she lacks etiquette,’ is sexist. ‘He lacks etiquette,’ can also be said and I think it sounds equally antiquated and inappropriate in a modern work setting.

However, what strikes me is that the phrases, ‘It was inappropriate’ and ‘It was rude’ comment on and criticise the behavior whereas, ‘She lacks etiquette’ is a criticism of the person.

Do you think that the personal nature of the criticism might have been what you were unconsciously reacting to?
In any case, your instincts were right. It is off.

I also think that the criticism was unwarranted as it was an emergency which she delt with quickly.

So, as others have suggested, say that you are interested in his comment and ask him to roleplay how he would have handled a similar situation better.

Also, point out to him that constructive criticism should focus on the behavior rather than the person. You can give him examples such as ‘It was inappropriate’ and ‘It was rude’ and ask him how they are different to ‘S/He lacks etiquette,’ but be prepared to point it out to him if he doesn't see it.

Good call, OP. Go educate!

I am not sure that ‘she lacks etiquette,’ is sexist. ‘He lacks etiquette,’ can also be said and I think it sounds equally antiquated and inappropriate in a modern work setting.

However, what strikes me is that the phrases, 'It was inappropriate' and 'It was rude' are criticisms of the behavior, whereas, 'She lacks etiquette is a criticism of the person.

Do you think that the personal nature of the criticism might have been what you were unconsciously reacting to?
In any case, your instincts were right. It is off.

I also think that the criticism was unwarranted as it was an emergency which she dealt with quickly.

As for how to deal with this,
as others have suggested, say that you are interested in his comment and ask him to roleplay how he would have handled a similar situation better.

Also, point out to him that constructive criticism should focus on the behavior rather than the person. You can give him examples such as ‘It was inappropriate’ and ‘It was rude’ and ask him how they are different to ‘S/He lacks etiquette,’ but be prepared to point it out to him if he doesn't see it.

Good call, OP. Go educate!