Mum is flying abroad before my due date

[Cupcake9753679]

I am due on the first of November, my mother promised she would book off 2 weeks when I give birth to help me following child birth. I already have a 3yr old who refuses to stay with anyone but me, my husband or my mum. He has never stayed the night away from my husband or I and has a great bond with my mother.
I have no other family around that can watch my son, I have some siblings but they are too young and my husbands family live hours away.
the issue is, my mother wants to see her grandmother abroad who is on her death bed and won’t return until the 24th of October. Cutting this very close, I told her that without childcare my husband would have to be with my little one during labour and I’d have to take my younger sister with me to the hospital and told her that I would need someone with experience.
ultimately she has said don’t worry and that I would be over due and she would be back in time. I told her to just book the tickets because it sounded as though she has already made up her mind. I am heartbroken that at my most vulnerable time she is going abroad,Am I being unreasonable?

edit: I understand the need for my mum to go see her grandmother in such a serious situation and support her mother but I feel as though her promises to me were broken yet again

If your younger sister is old enough to be your birthing partner she's old enough to look after your 3 year old while Dad is with you. You're being ridiculous, your poor mother being quilted over a trip to see her dying grandmother

How old are your siblings? Hopefully your mum will be back before you give birth however it’s incredibly selfish of you to think your childcare issue takes priority over her seeing her grandma whilst on her deathbed

She going now and won't be back until 24th October, which would time to help with the funeral and support her Mum.
OP, she isn't letting you down. As said, this is as important and you aren't due until two weeks after she gets back. Then she's agreed to help, when she gets back. Grow up on the 'she's broken her promise', life throws a curve ball every now and again.

Why would you be taking your younger sister with you to hospital?

So your mun is currently with her granny but has scheduled to come back for 24th October? So she isn't leaving you in the lurch?

Overall I agree with the sentiment that you can't expect anyone (other than DP) to restrict their activities in the lead up to your due date, and she is coming back a good week before you are actually due?

Did you have DC1 early?

During lockdown no one was allowed their partners with them during labour and they all survived. Not ideal obviously but it wasn’t an ideal situation. Nor is your Mum’s, I bet she is torn in half completely. I would be. Yes of course you could deliver early but then you might not. Please remember that parents of adult children are people too, it’s not all about you.

Sorry but if your great grandmother is on her death bed then surely she could go now , spend a month there and come back well ahead of your due date ? The whole death bed thing sounds really odd - it’s the 1st of September do they really expect her to survive for almost 2 months ?

Don't understand how your sister is old enough to come support you give birth but not watch your son, so your husband can go?

My mum went on holiday both times I had a baby - planned section so she knew the date. Yes I was miffed (so I kind of get a teeny bit of your upset) but ultimately they’re your children, you can figure it out without needing her there.

Also, she’s going to see a dying Grandmother…not like she’s on a cocktail cruise! Hormones are next level in 3rd trimester, be kind to yourself but give yourself a little reality check.

You don’t legally need to take anyone with you to the hospital

many women manage on their own

so IF you were more than 2 weeks early (how many weeks early would you consider ok?) then you would have a less than ideal but perfectly ok birth

You don’t need an experienced birth partner, that’s what the midwives are for.

in any case, she’ll be back a week before your due date - it’ll almost certainly be fine

Why can’t your younger sister start to look after your 3 year old? I presume she is in nursery or goes to groups with other children and mums?? If not its a good time to start getting her used to other people as she will be in school soon.

Your Mum has not broken a promise she has had to make a really difficult decision but has also taken you into account and plans to be home in time. Your poor Mum!

And how will your son refuse to stay with for example your sister ? Book himself into a hotel ? Or just scream until her realises that won’t help ?

She’s not heading off on holiday ffs, of course she needs to go visit her grandmother on her death bed and support her mum. That’s number 1 priority unfortunately.

It may not be a problem and she’ll be back in plenty of time too.

YABU!

I gave birth to DD1, without DH being there. I was in hospital, to be induced at 8 am the next day. I went into labour in the night. The midwives rang DH repeatedly, but he slept through it. DS, aged 6, got up at 6 am and answered the phone. He woke DH up, but he was too late for the birth!

A midwife held my hand and gave me encouragement. TBH, in the second stage of labour, I didn’t care who it was - anybody would have done!

Extremely selfish. Promises can be broken when it comes to people dying. You’ve got time to get your child used to someone else caring for him.

Self-absorbed much?! This is genuinely shocking. Your poor mum

OP I am a single woman looking at giving birth at the end of November. I currently have no birth partner lined up. If someone on the long list said they needed to visit a dying loved one, this would be an entirely reasonable reason for them to not be there. Perhaps you have got a bit caught up in your needs and have lost perspective a bit?

When is she actually going? Surely if granny is on her deathbed she might not last that long?

I’ve got to be honest if my dd was having a baby I’d go and spend a week or two with grandmother now so that I’m back in plenty of time for the birth, and my gran would absolutely want me to be there for my daughter.

I’m surprised so many posters are saying you’re unreasonable.

This.

Get them used to another adult.

I think that's down to the 3 year old preferring other childcare options? Tbh I'd be spending the next few weeks getting DC comfortable being cared for by his aunt who I also presume is old enough to take on emergency childcare during labour if needed. Problem solved and no need to lay the guilt on the poor DM.

My mum died when I was young but I had a very similar situation with mil.

she knew the edd for dc2 but booked a holiday regardless. After every appointment she asked the dd, as if it would change, and then said Oh, I’m in Madeira that day!

anyway, dc amazingly arrived on my edd. Dc1 was looked after by BIL who kindly rushed home from work. He had never looked after them before, but it all worked out!! MIL still seems cross that the edd didn’t change and she didn’t get to meet dc2 until a few days later when she returned home!

In the overall scheme of things it doesn't really matter if DH, DSis is with you at the second baby's head pops out. You have the midwives etc. Sometimes practicalities take over. As long as family members are there when you get home.

DH was in the military and it wasn’t clear whether he’d be back in time for the birth of our DS. My mum had died and I don’t have a sister. I asked a friend if she’d be able to be my birth partner if required. And when second child arrived, the neighbours were on standby to look after our 2yo. They were friends with a similar aged child.

You need to consider other options.

Unbelievably selfish.

You have until November to make other arrangements. And hopefully do some reflecting.

I completely understand how you feel - even if your mum is going away for a good reason, pregnancy is quite anxiety inducing. What was your first birth like and was your DS early or late? Is your priority that your DH is with you or that your DS is with a relative? Because you basically have two plan B options.

1. Start working up options now for your DS. Whether that’s your sister, a friend, another parent from his nursery/preschool if he goes to one, or a regular babysitter who could start by coming round to play with your DS with you in the house, then building up to you going out for a coffee. Does he go to any form of childcare at all? Nursery staff often babysit for extra cash.

2. The other option is to accept that if your baby comes early, your DH won’t be able to be there and you start looking for an alternative means of support, maybe a good friend - or potentially a doula, who could support you in labour and postnatally.