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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my dad for defending step-mum’s behaviour

93 replies

Spookygoose · 31/08/2025 16:20

My dad’s been with my step-mum since I was 12. I lived with her almost full-time since the age of 14. She’s never been motherly or affectionate or supportive, which was fine, I already had a mum, but she’s also always been a bit ridiculous and unreasonable in her beliefs and values. In the last 10 years she’s just constantly critical and negative..some examples, I was a neglectful mother by exclusively breastfeeding till 6 months rather than 3 months (despite that being current NHS advice, cos it “wasn’t that way in her day”), my DS will end up a spoilt brat because I (obviously) don’t smack him (again, cos it wasn’t like that in her day), shakes her head and rolls her eyes and says “you’re too soft” when I explain to young DS the reasoning why I’m telling him to do something rather than shouting or saying I told you so. It’s a lot around parenting but also lots of other stuff too. Eg. “Jokingly” saying “you look ridiculous, you can’t wear that” to a family birthday party recently. It was a fitted suit and everyone else said I looked great! It just didn’t match up to her expectations of how a woman should dress. I’m not her only victim, she’s blunt and rude to everyone in the family, including her own kids. None of what she’s ever said has bothered me though, i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest. Everyone else does the same, tbh she’s a bit of a family joke, but at the same time she gets away with saying the most horrendous things that no one else would get away with. However, I think I’ve finally had enough. Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit (they have a massive house where she could easily escape the kids if she wanted). I don’t think the kids are the only reason though, I think she’s just decided, after 20 years that she doesn’t like me and never wants to see me again. I’ve been nothing but polite and easy-going with her since I was a teenager, in spite of how rude she’s been over the years. It’s always been water off a duck’s back to me. Now she’s stopped all communication with me, doesn’t sign birthday cards to me or my kids, stayed silent in the family group chat when everyone else was saying how relieved they were when I got the all clear after a recent cancer scare. My dad now sends messages/cards from “dad and …..(SM’s name)” or says ….(SM’s name) and I are so glad you’re feeling better etc etc. He just pretends nothing’s wrong, doesn’t ever stick up for me, expects me to want to visit him all the time even though she’ll pop home while I’m there sometimes and just blanks me and DC, who don’t understand what’s going on. This is not some argument that he doesn’t want to get involved in, it’s her being completely unreasonable for no valid reason. It makes me so angry and resentful. Sometimes I just wish he’d grow some balls and put her in her fucking place. He’s not elderly. He’s late 60s, she’s early 60s. If my partner ever treated one of my DC like that, adult or not, I just wouldn’t stand for it. I know she’s difficult but it’s really made me lose respect for him. I’ve asked him once why she’s doing this. He told me there is no secret reason that I’m unaware of, it’s “just the way she is”. When I told him it was hurtful he just said to try and not let it bother me. When I pushed him on it he got defensive and angry so I never brought it up again. This isn’t about going NC with her (I already am through her choice!) it’s about how this is impacting my relationship with my DF. It also affects family events, when she finds out I’m going she’ll passively aggressively refuse to go and act like it’s all a big inconvenience for her. My dad has actually ended up cancelling an event because of this before. I feel like an inconvenience and feel like why should I bother going to family stuff/visiting where I feel so unwelcome? I switch between feeling sorry for DF and feeling intense anger that he’s weak enough to let her control him like this. I don’t want to go NC with my dad, I love him but she’s just such a fucking disease on society, I resent him for even marrying her

OP posts:
IDontKeepChickensButBelieveTheyExist · 31/08/2025 16:35

You clearly don’t like her and don’t get on with her so what is the problem with he now actively avoiding you? Let her crack on. Yes it’s rude, but don’t let it ruin your relationship with your dad.
You are putting your dad in a very difficult position though. He can’t force her to attend things or be nice to you, she’s an adult who can make her own choices after all, so I’m not sure what you want him to do tbh. Getting angry at him and expecting him to do something (what?) is pointless. He lives with her and, presumably, loves her.
Maybe after 20 odd years of i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest she’s sick of sick of the attitude that you’re better than her, and would rather not bother with you -who knows? But why are you letting this bother you, when she’s not important in your life and family events without her there would be a lot better anyway?

AutumnalPuffin · 31/08/2025 16:39

I’m so sorry you are having to experience this: it sounds incredibly hurtful. I understand how upsetting it is that your father won’t confront her about her harmful behaviour but sadly it’s not uncommon for fathers to be very weak when it comes to deferring to their new wives and sidelining their children. I’d feel resentful if I were you. I’m afraid I have no advice but wanted to validate your feelings.

HardworkSendHelp · 31/08/2025 16:40

It’s shit OP.

My own FIL completely lost his balls when he married again (shortly after the death of my husband’s mother).

This woman says the most inappropriate things, always has something mean and negative to say. She can’t stand the fact life has panned out well for me and hubby. Her own children have massive issues. My kids are the only grandkids.

My FIL doesn’t pull her up on any of it. It has got to the point we rarely see them. As the kids have grown they have asked why do they have to call her Nanny as she is not really a proper Nanny.

I know if anything happened father in law we would have zero to do with her. If I feel anger (and I only have that feeling as I feel my husband is disrespected) I can just imagine your anger as a daughter whose father lets someone treat her like this.

Could you write it all down OP and send your Dad a letter explaining how you feel?

toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 16:40

Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit

You sound like the problem. She has decided she doesn't want to be around you or your kids, in her house, she hasn't banned you from visiting, instead she leaves her own house when you visit. She is not in the wrong here. She doesn't want to be around you, but yet you've still got a problem with her? even though she is leaving her own house so you can visit. She is taking herself out of the situation. You're the problem here.

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 16:43

toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 16:40

Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit

You sound like the problem. She has decided she doesn't want to be around you or your kids, in her house, she hasn't banned you from visiting, instead she leaves her own house when you visit. She is not in the wrong here. She doesn't want to be around you, but yet you've still got a problem with her? even though she is leaving her own house so you can visit. She is taking herself out of the situation. You're the problem here.

This. It’s difficult to see what the poor woman’s doing wrong here.

SapphOhNo · 31/08/2025 16:46

YANBU to resent your dad but if youre not going to do anything about ... not sure what you want from the post.

toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 16:46

And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad)

This is exactly the right behavior also.

Again she isnt in the wrong.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 31/08/2025 16:59

So you lived with your dad and her as a teen, was that a difficult time?
Also do you live far away? You're staying a few days every 12 weeks?

CopperWhite · 31/08/2025 17:04

Your Dad is being weak because it’s more convenient and easier for him to appease her rather than you. You deserve your Dad to stick up for you when anyone is being rude to you, never mind his own partner.

Peptalk2025 · 31/08/2025 17:12

I don't blame her for not wanting to be around you when you see her as a disease on society. That's a pretty horrific way of describing someone.

Original poster
Spookygoose · 31/08/2025 17:16

IDontKeepChickensButBelieveTheyExist · 31/08/2025 16:35

You clearly don’t like her and don’t get on with her so what is the problem with he now actively avoiding you? Let her crack on. Yes it’s rude, but don’t let it ruin your relationship with your dad.
You are putting your dad in a very difficult position though. He can’t force her to attend things or be nice to you, she’s an adult who can make her own choices after all, so I’m not sure what you want him to do tbh. Getting angry at him and expecting him to do something (what?) is pointless. He lives with her and, presumably, loves her.
Maybe after 20 odd years of i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest she’s sick of sick of the attitude that you’re better than her, and would rather not bother with you -who knows? But why are you letting this bother you, when she’s not important in your life and family events without her there would be a lot better anyway?

You don’t have step parents do you?….you don’t get it, sorry

OP posts:
forgottenkevin · 31/08/2025 17:20

toomuchfaff · 31/08/2025 16:40

Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit

You sound like the problem. She has decided she doesn't want to be around you or your kids, in her house, she hasn't banned you from visiting, instead she leaves her own house when you visit. She is not in the wrong here. She doesn't want to be around you, but yet you've still got a problem with her? even though she is leaving her own house so you can visit. She is taking herself out of the situation. You're the problem here.

Ignore this ridiculous post op. You are not the problem, she is. How bizarre than on MN, the place that generally expects all stepparents to never have boundaries and treat their stepkids exactly the same as their own, you’re now being told you’re a problem simply for existing and having young dc. Just shows that people will be contrary over anything.

I can see why you’ve lost respect for your dad although I can also see that he’s in a very difficult position. She sounds like a complete nightmare. It’s quite controlling actually and if it were a stepfather and mum situation I’m sure people would be quick to suggest the mum was being abused.

I don’t think you’ll be able to change this unless your dad decides he wants to end the relationship. Don’t stop visiting or going to family events. That’s what she wants. Don’t discuss it with your dad either, just accept she is a twat and be breezy with her. Don’t give her any drama or reason to paint you as the bad one and she will end up showing herself to be the villain even more.

Original poster
Spookygoose · 31/08/2025 17:26

Peptalk2025 · 31/08/2025 17:12

I don't blame her for not wanting to be around you when you see her as a disease on society. That's a pretty horrific way of describing someone.

She is a disease on society. She uses the N word, says gay people should be drowned at birth, called her newsagent a P c*unt because he asked her to leave his shop for being abusive. Point is, she doesn’t know I feel this way about her. Despite how she behaves towards me or others I’ve always just smiled and nodded, that’s how I was raised (sadly) and I didn’t want to make my dad’s life difficult or rock the boat. I just wanted everyone to be happy. Life was difficult for me when she came into it, my mum had just disappeared abroad and didn’t come back for 3 years, I wasn’t expecting her to be a mother but she was still a parental figure in my life. No matter how much you despise a person, if they have played a parental role in your life it hurts when they reject you, esp. for seemingly no reason. This is why people saying “she doesn’t like you, so what? Move on” clearly don’t understand the dynamics of parental roles outside of just having a mum and dad and the complexity of the emotions involved. It’s really not that simple

OP posts:
Original poster
Spookygoose · 31/08/2025 17:28

And yes I am better than her…100%. I’m not racist, homophobic, or abusive, and I don’t say inappropriate things to deliberately try and hurt people. If that makes me superior..well I’d rather be “superior” than be like her!

OP posts:
Anon4778 · 31/08/2025 17:29

Sometimes I wonder what the heck is going on with some posters -! This woman has been in OP’s life since she was a child and this behaviour sounds like it’s a form of sustained and escalating bullying.

This is so hurtful, OP, and a betrayal by your Dad. Can you try and talk to him and explain how it’s making you feel? It sounds like
he's trying to paper over her hostility and it’s only making her bolder in exhibiting her dislike and resentment of you. She sounds absolutely horrible.

RetiredMan · 31/08/2025 17:37

What do people think the dad should do?

Divorce, probably wrecking his finances for all of what's left of his life?

Tell a person who believes she's doing nothing wrong to change, with zero threat of consequences if she doesn't comply, because there's nothing he can (legally) threaten her with? Do you think that will work?

My favourite Youtube psychologist says bad behaviour in a marriage can almost never be solved by talking. The only ways to do deal with most problems are (a) not to commit to the wrong person in the first place, or (b) to walk away as soon as you realise you got (a) wrong. If you're a man who has made the mistake of marrying, and you have money or young children you expect to lose in divorce, then you're fucked.

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 17:38

Your father isn’t weak. He made his choice, and his choice has been to support his wife over you. He has, and always had has, agency.

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 17:40

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 17:38

Your father isn’t weak. He made his choice, and his choice has been to support his wife over you. He has, and always had has, agency.

This. And how often do we hear that men should always support their wives?

Ponderingwindow · 31/08/2025 17:41

She solved your problem for you. You were clearly at the point where you needed to start keeping her away from your children. You can ignore her antics, but you can’t sit quietly while she says certain things in front of young children.

would it be better if your father left her? Possibly. Consider though that your father may not completely disagree with her, he is just better behaved.

many of us have problematic relatives and manage to maintain relationships. We set behavioral rules and as long as they abide by those rules we can still have family celebrations. It’s an agree to disagree situation because otherwise every gathering would be wwiii.

Your step-mother is effectively gone from your life. You won. Accept the less than perfect situation and move on.

GenerousGardener · 31/08/2025 17:53

OP. I know exactly where you are coming from. I could have written your post. You have my sympathies. My on going saga has been in place since 1976. My SM hates me, my dad has no backbone and has let her get away with everything she’s done to me. She once told me it was my own fault that my darling son died from cot death…..I’ve never got over that TBH.

Dad is now in his mid nineties. Has multiple illnesses and he now relies on her completely. They live nearby but I only visit occasionally and only for half an hour at a time. When dad leaves this earth, I will be done with her.

If I were you I’d just stay away. Ring your Dad weekly to let him know that you are all ok and he’s welcome to visit you and your DC any time he likes. Don’t even mention her name. Give yourself the power back and put the ball in his court.

Diarygirlqueen · 31/08/2025 18:00

It sounds awful. I would never step foot in their house again, I would ring my dad and explain why. Tell him he is more than welcome to visit you but the visit will not be reciprocated.
Feel for you.

BernardButlersBra · 31/08/2025 18:13

Anon4778 · 31/08/2025 17:29

Sometimes I wonder what the heck is going on with some posters -! This woman has been in OP’s life since she was a child and this behaviour sounds like it’s a form of sustained and escalating bullying.

This is so hurtful, OP, and a betrayal by your Dad. Can you try and talk to him and explain how it’s making you feel? It sounds like
he's trying to paper over her hostility and it’s only making her bolder in exhibiting her dislike and resentment of you. She sounds absolutely horrible.

This. She sounds vile! Who made her the living authority on everything?! Why has how you feed your children have anything to do with her? Your dad sounds spineless and pathetic. You are more controlled than me as l would pull her up every time she is rude

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2025 19:09

l would pull her up every time she is rude

How does that work when she refuses to be under the same roof as OP?

forgottenkevin · 31/08/2025 19:36

InterIgnis · 31/08/2025 17:38

Your father isn’t weak. He made his choice, and his choice has been to support his wife over you. He has, and always had has, agency.

Would you say the same thing if it were her stepfather and her biological mother?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/08/2025 19:40

That sounds like a nightmare.
Your father is unlikely to change.
He has a choice, he is choosing a rude woman over his child and grandchild.
Silly man.