To resent my dad for defending step-mum’s behaviour

[Spookygoose]

My dad’s been with my step-mum since I was 12. I lived with her almost full-time since the age of 14. She’s never been motherly or affectionate or supportive, which was fine, I already had a mum, but she’s also always been a bit ridiculous and unreasonable in her beliefs and values. In the last 10 years she’s just constantly critical and negative..some examples, I was a neglectful mother by exclusively breastfeeding till 6 months rather than 3 months (despite that being current NHS advice, cos it “wasn’t that way in her day”), my DS will end up a spoilt brat because I (obviously) don’t smack him (again, cos it wasn’t like that in her day), shakes her head and rolls her eyes and says “you’re too soft” when I explain to young DS the reasoning why I’m telling him to do something rather than shouting or saying I told you so. It’s a lot around parenting but also lots of other stuff too. Eg. “Jokingly” saying “you look ridiculous, you can’t wear that” to a family birthday party recently. It was a fitted suit and everyone else said I looked great! It just didn’t match up to her expectations of how a woman should dress. I’m not her only victim, she’s blunt and rude to everyone in the family, including her own kids. None of what she’s ever said has bothered me though, i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest. Everyone else does the same, tbh she’s a bit of a family joke, but at the same time she gets away with saying the most horrendous things that no one else would get away with. However, I think I’ve finally had enough. Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit (they have a massive house where she could easily escape the kids if she wanted). I don’t think the kids are the only reason though, I think she’s just decided, after 20 years that she doesn’t like me and never wants to see me again. I’ve been nothing but polite and easy-going with her since I was a teenager, in spite of how rude she’s been over the years. It’s always been water off a duck’s back to me. Now she’s stopped all communication with me, doesn’t sign birthday cards to me or my kids, stayed silent in the family group chat when everyone else was saying how relieved they were when I got the all clear after a recent cancer scare. My dad now sends messages/cards from “dad and …..(SM’s name)” or says ….(SM’s name) and I are so glad you’re feeling better etc etc. He just pretends nothing’s wrong, doesn’t ever stick up for me, expects me to want to visit him all the time even though she’ll pop home while I’m there sometimes and just blanks me and DC, who don’t understand what’s going on. This is not some argument that he doesn’t want to get involved in, it’s her being completely unreasonable for no valid reason. It makes me so angry and resentful. Sometimes I just wish he’d grow some balls and put her in her fucking place. He’s not elderly. He’s late 60s, she’s early 60s. If my partner ever treated one of my DC like that, adult or not, I just wouldn’t stand for it. I know she’s difficult but it’s really made me lose respect for him. I’ve asked him once why she’s doing this. He told me there is no secret reason that I’m unaware of, it’s “just the way she is”. When I told him it was hurtful he just said to try and not let it bother me. When I pushed him on it he got defensive and angry so I never brought it up again. This isn’t about going NC with her (I already am through her choice!) it’s about how this is impacting my relationship with my DF. It also affects family events, when she finds out I’m going she’ll passively aggressively refuse to go and act like it’s all a big inconvenience for her. My dad has actually ended up cancelling an event because of this before. I feel like an inconvenience and feel like why should I bother going to family stuff/visiting where I feel so unwelcome? I switch between feeling sorry for DF and feeling intense anger that he’s weak enough to let her control him like this. I don’t want to go NC with my dad, I love him but she’s just such a fucking disease on society, I resent him for even marrying her

Obviously OP doesn't care that her step-mother shows no interest. She cares that her own father has allowed her step-mother to treat her so cruelly since she was a child. He has put his wife first every single time and it has changed the way she feels about her dad. He should have protected her from his awful wife but he never did.

"Sometimes I just wish he’d grow some balls and put her in her fucking place."
@Spookygoose I think you need to consider what your father has done for you. Presumably (unless there was a third party intervention you haven't told us about) he is the one who has said to your step-mum, "My daughter and grandchildren are coming to visit whether you like it or not. If you don't like it you can stay with your sister." It's not a one off visit, either, it's a few days at a time four times a year. He's chosen you over her, for those special times of the year - does it help to recognise that?
I'm a bit 😬😬😬 at the thought of what exactly it means for a husband to put his wife in her f'ing place. Your step mum sounds awful, your teen years sound pretty hellish, but you'll find plenty of people who will run with the "evil step-mum, spinelss dad" narrative whereas based on what you've said I don't think that's happening here.

OP, however much you dislike her or however unpleasant she is, she's your father's wife. Of course he supports her - she comes first for him.

I think the step mum has found your post. if not what an utterly bizarre post?

OP this sounds incredibly hurtful and I can completely understand why you feel the way you do.

I have a very similar experience but with my own mum and dad and have lost a lot of respect for my dad. I love him very much but find it very hard to understand the way he enables bad behaviour from my mum.

I would try and completely ignore her, kill her with kindness whenever you see her but visit and see your dad whenever you want. Imagine she is just a rude random person. She doesn’t have to mean anything to you.

From family experience, it was OP's fault for having the audacity to be her father's child prior to the relationship and stubbornly un-borning herself ever since. How very dare she continue to try to maintain a relationship with her dad and continue to exist. Sooo unreasonable 🙄

A close relative went through decades of this type of dynamic. The finale was father dying first, and at the funeral the eulogy seamlessly edited his life to erase a decade of the existance of the first marriage, and his children from it. His step-children, their spouses and descendents were all individually named.

There isn't much that can be done if a "parent" consistently favours their spouse/ partner over their own offspring for decades and tolerates this type of treatment. Best to accept it's their loss and diminish their influence in your life.

What is the outcome you want OP?
It sounds like DF does know her behaviour isn't great but doesn't want to do anything about it.
Being late 60s, he may not want to start again as a single man. You may not want this either ...
Step mum is avoiding you and not interacting with your kids. So that's positive as it sounds like she's not a very nice person and not a good role model.
So the main issue is that it's affecting your visiting with DF. Just invite him to yours instead ? Or meet in other places.
I know your frustrated that he won't deal with it, but you can't make him.

So she was the one who instigated NC with you OP. Why?

You have no respect for her and don’t want a relationship with her, yet you expect her to be nice to you. Relationships cut both ways. She has decided to step back from the relationship, no doubt being aware that you speak contemptuously about her behind her back, and now you are complaining about that too. Just get on with your life and stop trying to put your dad in a difficult position and be thankful that she has finally stepped away to give you space to have a relationship with your dad.

They’re just ignorant with small lives, probably stepmothers themselves and feel triggered, and enjoy taking out their own shitty lives on an OP, because they’ve put their heads above the parapet and are easy fodder.

I’m perfectly adequately caffeinated thank you. It’s a state of mind of posters across every thread. It’s depressing (more for them) as it means that OPs become inundated with posts attacking them and then leave their own threads.

Similar thing happened with my dad. Step mum was unwelcoming and unpleasant, I gently raised it with my dad (no name calling, just said that she didnt make me feel welcome), he then said I won't let anyone ever say anything bad about her, I never want to speak to you again, we haven't spoken now for nearly 8 years.
I think some men are so desperate to not be alone that they will cut off their children if that's what the stepmum wants.

Where’s the “attacks” on this thread?

I would go to every single family event, and continue to stay with my dad several times a year, purely out of spite. Let her stew in her own venom.

the dad appears to be cancelling events if the OP does want to turn up. So surely he’ll just say “no” to the op wanting to stay with him and his wife?

Are you having a laugh?

OP has been completely gracious since her teenage years, in the face of snide and nasty attacks from a women who, frankly speaking, is a rancid bitch.

She is positioning OP as neglectful mother on the most ridiculous and just-plain-wrong grounds. In this situation her father should, strongly, take OP’s side and not permit his child to be wrongly maligned in his presence? Or do you think otherwise, and you allow your children to be slagged of by others on zero grounds?

I’m curious why it was the SM that has instigated NC. On what grounds OP?

I think you need to play this strategically. Your dad is never going to leave her at his age, and she's clearly an awful piece of work. By pushing him to address the behaviour you'll play right into her hands.

It'll get to her more knowing her moves aren't working. Even for birthdays and xmas etc i wouldn't send a gift but I'd buy the most generic impersonal card I could find and send it every year on the dot.

I agree with this and it’s something we are seeing more and more of on mumsnet - it’s totally unpleasant and does make you wonder what is going on with the posters motivated to do it.

I am a stepmum and love my stepchildren lots. They’re 18 now, and yes, at times it hasn’t been straightforward - but I would never want to “other” them like the OP’s stepmum is doing. It’s so cruel.

That’s a shocking drop feed!
Your OP talk about her criticising your parenting or your outfits. You state you are superior to her, and couldn’t care less what she thinks. And she’s a stain on society.
On this info YABVU.

Then you drop in stuff about extreme racism and homophobia?!

Sorry, but it sounds like you are switching the narrative to generate the responses you want.

Stop putting your dad in a difficult position. If you love him, just roll with his wishes on how and when he sees you. Leave his marriage alone.

Oh OP that all sounds truly awful.
Im a bit confused really about posters saying that you should be grateful for what your Dad has done thus far, and that you’re the issue with step-mother. Children don’t owe their parents anything, it’s the parent that meets their child where they’re at. (I’m not saying this in a ‘don’t set boundaries with children way’ but the whole narcissistic idea that children somehow owe their parents for the bare minimum is beyond me). This should be the way no matter how old you are.
You sound like a great Mum, and it must be painful to not be treated in a way that you’d treat your own children. However, your Dad isn’t going to change so spend time mourning that fact, and really think whether you can come to terms with the current status quo. It’s painful but necessary for you to be okay with everything long term.

Im not sure whether the posters who are being super critical have ever had to go through the above. I’ll be quite surprised if they have and that’s their response.

My dh has a step dad like this. His step dad hated that my dh was so close to his mum. I think he just made it so my dh didnt feel welcome. So he left home at 17 and has since made it impossible for my dh to have a good relationship with his mum.
Its all about control.
Plus your step mum sounds horrid .
I think your feelings are very valid. But your df will probably never change . He sounds like he doesnt like to rock the boat. So is not likely to stand up to her .
Maybe see this as a blessing you dont have to see here. And she won't have the chance to say mean things to your children.

Unfortunately I think this is just what men are like, it’s shit and unfair but your dad’s not going to change at this age. They’ll never get in the middle of conflict between women.

just concentrate on the relationship with your dad, it sounds like your stepmother has removed herself from the equation anyway so just be grateful you don’t have to interact with her any more!

It’s unpleasant but I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a reason you aren’t aware of. I think you have two choices- be relieved that you don’t have to see her.. your kids won’t be affected as long as they see your dad. Or you can message her and ask to meet for lunch just the two of you to find out what the issue is. If she refuses that there really is nothing else you can do.