To resent my dad for defending step-mum’s behaviour

[Spookygoose]

My dad’s been with my step-mum since I was 12. I lived with her almost full-time since the age of 14. She’s never been motherly or affectionate or supportive, which was fine, I already had a mum, but she’s also always been a bit ridiculous and unreasonable in her beliefs and values. In the last 10 years she’s just constantly critical and negative..some examples, I was a neglectful mother by exclusively breastfeeding till 6 months rather than 3 months (despite that being current NHS advice, cos it “wasn’t that way in her day”), my DS will end up a spoilt brat because I (obviously) don’t smack him (again, cos it wasn’t like that in her day), shakes her head and rolls her eyes and says “you’re too soft” when I explain to young DS the reasoning why I’m telling him to do something rather than shouting or saying I told you so. It’s a lot around parenting but also lots of other stuff too. Eg. “Jokingly” saying “you look ridiculous, you can’t wear that” to a family birthday party recently. It was a fitted suit and everyone else said I looked great! It just didn’t match up to her expectations of how a woman should dress. I’m not her only victim, she’s blunt and rude to everyone in the family, including her own kids. None of what she’s ever said has bothered me though, i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest. Everyone else does the same, tbh she’s a bit of a family joke, but at the same time she gets away with saying the most horrendous things that no one else would get away with. However, I think I’ve finally had enough. Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit (they have a massive house where she could easily escape the kids if she wanted). I don’t think the kids are the only reason though, I think she’s just decided, after 20 years that she doesn’t like me and never wants to see me again. I’ve been nothing but polite and easy-going with her since I was a teenager, in spite of how rude she’s been over the years. It’s always been water off a duck’s back to me. Now she’s stopped all communication with me, doesn’t sign birthday cards to me or my kids, stayed silent in the family group chat when everyone else was saying how relieved they were when I got the all clear after a recent cancer scare. My dad now sends messages/cards from “dad and …..(SM’s name)” or says ….(SM’s name) and I are so glad you’re feeling better etc etc. He just pretends nothing’s wrong, doesn’t ever stick up for me, expects me to want to visit him all the time even though she’ll pop home while I’m there sometimes and just blanks me and DC, who don’t understand what’s going on. This is not some argument that he doesn’t want to get involved in, it’s her being completely unreasonable for no valid reason. It makes me so angry and resentful. Sometimes I just wish he’d grow some balls and put her in her fucking place. He’s not elderly. He’s late 60s, she’s early 60s. If my partner ever treated one of my DC like that, adult or not, I just wouldn’t stand for it. I know she’s difficult but it’s really made me lose respect for him. I’ve asked him once why she’s doing this. He told me there is no secret reason that I’m unaware of, it’s “just the way she is”. When I told him it was hurtful he just said to try and not let it bother me. When I pushed him on it he got defensive and angry so I never brought it up again. This isn’t about going NC with her (I already am through her choice!) it’s about how this is impacting my relationship with my DF. It also affects family events, when she finds out I’m going she’ll passively aggressively refuse to go and act like it’s all a big inconvenience for her. My dad has actually ended up cancelling an event because of this before. I feel like an inconvenience and feel like why should I bother going to family stuff/visiting where I feel so unwelcome? I switch between feeling sorry for DF and feeling intense anger that he’s weak enough to let her control him like this. I don’t want to go NC with my dad, I love him but she’s just such a fucking disease on society, I resent him for even marrying her

OP isn't putting her dad in a difficult position. He has managed that all by himself by marrying an unpleasant woman and allowing her to be unkind to his daughter. OP has had to put up with her behaviour from when she was a child. Her step-mother's behaviour is unacceptable. If I were OP, I'd not bother with the dad either. He has let his daughter down ever since the step-mother arrived on the scene.

Making someone choose between their wife and their child is not the action of a "poor woman" its a nasty bitter bitch who wants to seperate a family and finally has a wedge

I think you’ll find it’s the daughter making him choose. What more can this woman do than leave her own house to avoid conflict? It’s perfectly obvious that the only thing that would make OP happy would be her dad leaving his wife and she’s pissed off because he won’t oblige.

She could have tried being nice

Poor woman?? She has been unkind to OP since she was a child. Her dad is nearly as bad. A decent father doesn't let his wife treat his child like that.

I relate op. My dad married quickly after his wife died and it soon became clear that old friends and family were not needed in the new set up. He has completely gone along with it. I do think men of that generation (he’s in 80s now) who didn’t cook etc just want an easy life and that means doing what the latest wife prefers

well clearly if she thinks OP should be shouting at her dc and following outdated feeding regimes, the OP DOES know better than her.

Sadly, your Dad has chosen to ignore his wife's rude, nasty behaviour and expects you to do the same. I'm sure deep down your Dad knows he's married a deeply unpleasant woman, and probably regrets marrying her. He clearly knows his wife is unkind, and horrible, but excuses it by saying 'you know what she's like' and 'she is how she is'. It's behaviour he should have called her out on many years ago, when you were young. He didn't and has allowed her to treat you (and others) badly, and she knows your Dad won't say anything to her. That knowledge makes her feel powerful, and so therefore she says more and more inappropriate and nasty things to you. I would have lost respect for my Dad too, if he'd allowed his wife to treat me in this manner too. Yes, you could stop attending family events or even visiting your Dad, but you'd be playing directly into her hands. The fact she is now avoiding you, is a blessing, even though you may not feel it is and her attitude is hurtful. You can't make her like you, or make her a decent human being. Continue to see your Dad, if she isn't there (celebrate small victories!) or if she is and blanks you, ignore her. You can't change her and unfortunately you can't force your Dad to stand up for you either.

If she’s racist and homophobic and a disease on society surely it’s a win that she’s not there when you visit though?

Sadly your dad can’t actually be that nice a man if he’s with such a bigoted nasty woman. Just keep things as they are. Spontaneous growth of spine and morals at 60+ is unlikely and it’s more hurtful for everyone to cut him out.

She’s not family, just a woman your father just happened to marry. Don’t allow her to have any part of your life.

Sounds like my abusive adoptive mother who’s a nasty piece of work, and my adoptive father who enabled her and was nervous of her terrible tantrums.

My childhood was ok because their parents and siblings were great - they were truly wonderful grandparents/aunts to me. I enjoyed visits to and from them. I also liked school and had nice friends.

My father is dead now and I rarely see the old woman. I will be indifferent when she dies. She’s not important to me, I have a good partner, my children, lots of friends.

Focus on the positives in your life OP and accept that your father is the way he is - meek and unassertive. He won’t change. You’re right to resent it but you can’t alter it.

Absolutely! Why wouldn’t I?

I see all the second wives / wicked stepmothers are out in force on MN today!

OP, she sounds awful. But take your DF off his pedestal. He made his bed. Nothing’s going to change. See him less. Sounds like it will be less aggro for all of you.

Well it’s clearly the result of years of unreasonable and unpleasant behaviour from her step mother. I will never understand the mentality of people who marry partners with children that they just can’t bear, and also those partners allowing their own children to be treated so shoddily. I would never allow anyone to treat my children like this.

You know what l mean 🙄

Quite possibly her current stance is more game playing. She sounds like the type to like sticking her beak in, rather than a "dignified" flounce

Your father chooses to be in a relationship with a woman who is racist, homophobic and is rude and unpleasant to his children. I'm sorry but I would have zero respect for him as a father and as a man. I loved my dad dearly but I know he would never have stood by and seen me treated badly by anyone. If he had, I'd have cut contact with him. Perhaps it's time you actually put some distance between you and your dad and tell him this is the consequence of his actions.

I just get the feeling that if it were a male stepparent behaving in this way (by that I mean alienating him from his children/making it difficult for the family to be at events together etc etc) people would be more open to the idea of him being controlling and abusive. The relationship is toxic either way but in this case we seem to be saying ‘ah well your dad is an adult he chose this’ and not considering that maybe he is stuck in an abusive relationship and unsure how to move forward. He seems to be maintaining a relationship with op so it can’t be nice for his wife to be so openly hostile to her and his grandchildren.

Not to mention the racism, homophobia and general nastiness on clear display. There would be an outcry of LTB if it were a woman.

If the woman was posting here complaining about her partner, sure. The father isn’t posting here though, and so no one is in the position to advise him to LTB.

Nothing OP has said suggests her father is being abused. Women that do what her father has done aren’t automatically victims of abuse either.

It is of course easy, and convenient, to strip an adult of agency when acknowledging their responsibility for making choices that hurt you is too painful.

From what OP has posted, she’s got absolutely no interest.

Why OP cares is beyond me, clearly neither like each other.

In the past I have had to take a step back from the relationship with my Dad and his wife.
After recent behaviour from my Dad I have now had to go non contact because I have put up with it for so long.
I no longer want to be controlled by two elderly people who are supposed to be family
I am so sorry that you are going through this , for your children's and your own mental health I would reduce contact with them both.
Staying with her sister whilst you visit us just not normal behaviour and it's unkind and rude.
I know how hard this is.
Protect yourself and your children and take a step back , don't visit as often or if at all.
You have your own family.

Over their own kids and grandkids? Ummm never?

I think if the OP's mother left, there must also be a lot of buried anger with her.

It sounds like a sad family background

Stepping away and concentrating on children, partner (If around) and friends, while maintaining low key contact with father, seems the way to go.

Bonkers response

Hi OP I am going through something similar but with my actual mum. Mum has dementia now and her behaviour is getting worse. It has been heartbreak to be honest and dad isn't doing enough to say you can't speak to toddlers spaghetti like that. I was 40 in June and mum didn't write anything in my card and said I could use the card again for someone else. I was annoyed that dad hadn't taken control and written a nice message in a card to me. It's very sad. I feel your pain op.