My dad’s been with my step-mum since I was 12. I lived with her almost full-time since the age of 14. She’s never been motherly or affectionate or supportive, which was fine, I already had a mum, but she’s also always been a bit ridiculous and unreasonable in her beliefs and values. In the last 10 years she’s just constantly critical and negative..some examples, I was a neglectful mother by exclusively breastfeeding till 6 months rather than 3 months (despite that being current NHS advice, cos it “wasn’t that way in her day”), my DS will end up a spoilt brat because I (obviously) don’t smack him (again, cos it wasn’t like that in her day), shakes her head and rolls her eyes and says “you’re too soft” when I explain to young DS the reasoning why I’m telling him to do something rather than shouting or saying I told you so. It’s a lot around parenting but also lots of other stuff too. Eg. “Jokingly” saying “you look ridiculous, you can’t wear that” to a family birthday party recently. It was a fitted suit and everyone else said I looked great! It just didn’t match up to her expectations of how a woman should dress. I’m not her only victim, she’s blunt and rude to everyone in the family, including her own kids. None of what she’s ever said has bothered me though, i genuinely laugh it off cos I know I know better than her and don’t value her opinion in the slightest. Everyone else does the same, tbh she’s a bit of a family joke, but at the same time she gets away with saying the most horrendous things that no one else would get away with. However, I think I’ve finally had enough. Recently she decided me and my young kids are too hectic to have around (they’re 3 and 5) and well-behaved but obviously sometimes stressful considering their age. And she told my dad (she’ll never raise an issue with me directly, always goes through my dad) that we’re banned from the house. We only visit for a few days at a time 4 ish times a year. My dad reasoned with her (usually an impossible task) and she chose to go and stay with her sister every time we visit (they have a massive house where she could easily escape the kids if she wanted). I don’t think the kids are the only reason though, I think she’s just decided, after 20 years that she doesn’t like me and never wants to see me again. I’ve been nothing but polite and easy-going with her since I was a teenager, in spite of how rude she’s been over the years. It’s always been water off a duck’s back to me. Now she’s stopped all communication with me, doesn’t sign birthday cards to me or my kids, stayed silent in the family group chat when everyone else was saying how relieved they were when I got the all clear after a recent cancer scare. My dad now sends messages/cards from “dad and …..(SM’s name)” or says ….(SM’s name) and I are so glad you’re feeling better etc etc. He just pretends nothing’s wrong, doesn’t ever stick up for me, expects me to want to visit him all the time even though she’ll pop home while I’m there sometimes and just blanks me and DC, who don’t understand what’s going on. This is not some argument that he doesn’t want to get involved in, it’s her being completely unreasonable for no valid reason. It makes me so angry and resentful. Sometimes I just wish he’d grow some balls and put her in her fucking place. He’s not elderly. He’s late 60s, she’s early 60s. If my partner ever treated one of my DC like that, adult or not, I just wouldn’t stand for it. I know she’s difficult but it’s really made me lose respect for him. I’ve asked him once why she’s doing this. He told me there is no secret reason that I’m unaware of, it’s “just the way she is”. When I told him it was hurtful he just said to try and not let it bother me. When I pushed him on it he got defensive and angry so I never brought it up again. This isn’t about going NC with her (I already am through her choice!) it’s about how this is impacting my relationship with my DF. It also affects family events, when she finds out I’m going she’ll passively aggressively refuse to go and act like it’s all a big inconvenience for her. My dad has actually ended up cancelling an event because of this before. I feel like an inconvenience and feel like why should I bother going to family stuff/visiting where I feel so unwelcome? I switch between feeling sorry for DF and feeling intense anger that he’s weak enough to let her control him like this. I don’t want to go NC with my dad, I love him but she’s just such a fucking disease on society, I resent him for even marrying her