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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP always taking driving stress out on me

51 replies

Dann87 · 31/08/2025 15:43

I would welcome any views here. DP drives - I don’t. Whenever he has any ‘stresses’ driving, mainly not being able to find a space, or being stuck in traffic for ages, he will always moan about being the only driver and how he is fed up. I feel like he just takes his stress out on me.

Context - we are both in our 30’s, I’ve tried learning years ago but didn’t get on with it. I did tell him early in our relationship I’d try to learn again and he always references this.

I just feel like he shouldn’t take his issues with it out on me…

OP posts:
kilch · 01/09/2025 19:17

I did my driving test and was driving motor ways and all sorts. When I got pregnant with my second I got horrible anxiety. I couldn’t drive. Since then Dh has been the only driver in our household. He doesn’t complain and does drive and get things for me. This has been going on last 15 years.

pipthomson · 01/09/2025 19:48

Dann87 · 31/08/2025 15:43

I would welcome any views here. DP drives - I don’t. Whenever he has any ‘stresses’ driving, mainly not being able to find a space, or being stuck in traffic for ages, he will always moan about being the only driver and how he is fed up. I feel like he just takes his stress out on me.

Context - we are both in our 30’s, I’ve tried learning years ago but didn’t get on with it. I did tell him early in our relationship I’d try to learn again and he always references this.

I just feel like he shouldn’t take his issues with it out on me…

Have you considered learning to drive in an automatic car ?

WhitePudding · 01/09/2025 20:36

I don’t drive through choice. I’m 57. I’ve been married 30 years. My husband passed his test at 17. I’ve managed to raise two children, take them to all their clubs etc, school without relying on anyone to give us lifts. I lived in a village with everything on tap. I did lessons for two years, my driving instructor said I could drive but any time anything came near me, the nerves would kick in and I became a bag of nerves, I never came anywhere near test ready. My husband loves driving and is happy to chauffeur me round.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/09/2025 20:45

I think unless you have a genuine medical issue that prevents you then it is unfair to expect him to be the only driver.
You said you'd be willing to learn so time to step up and take action.

JackRobinson · 01/09/2025 20:52

I'd be pretty pissed off if DH had said early in the relationship he was going to learn how to use the washing machine, but then he decided he didn't fancy it after all and I could just do all the washing instead.
(In real life, obviously he knows how to use the washing machine and frequently does, but you get my point!)
Edited to ask: Are you planning to have children, OP?

Testerical · 01/09/2025 20:52

I think it’s absolutely fine not to drive as long as you don’t make excessive use of others’ cars and driving skills. So, do what my non-driving-friend does and make copious use of public transport.

If you expect to be driven everywhere then yes, you should absolutely learn.

However… what is with your husband carping on and getting cross with you when he can’t park or the traffic is bad?? I can’t imagine that would be my first reaction to driving irritations. That’s just part of driving. Some not very nice men like to take out driving dramas on their wives. Only you know if that applies to your bloke.

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2025 20:53

Your husband is being ridiculous. He knowingly entered a relationship with a non-driver. He therefore needs to suck it up.

Unless you lied or tricked him into it, he knew what he was getting into.

I am an adult who doesn't drive. Have attempted to learn many times, spent absolutely thousands on lessons, can't do it. I have a form of dyslexia which has a negative impact on my spatial awareness, so I think that's why.

Anyway, I tell new potential partners early on in dating that I can't drive. If they have a problem with that, they have every right to end the relationship at that point.

They don't have the right to marry me anyway and then bully and verbally abuse me for my non-drivinf status.

Amazed that so many people actually think this is ok.

If you don't like non-drivers, here's an idea - don't marry one!

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2025 20:55

Testerical · 01/09/2025 20:52

I think it’s absolutely fine not to drive as long as you don’t make excessive use of others’ cars and driving skills. So, do what my non-driving-friend does and make copious use of public transport.

If you expect to be driven everywhere then yes, you should absolutely learn.

However… what is with your husband carping on and getting cross with you when he can’t park or the traffic is bad?? I can’t imagine that would be my first reaction to driving irritations. That’s just part of driving. Some not very nice men like to take out driving dramas on their wives. Only you know if that applies to your bloke.

I use public transport a lot - one has to if one doesn't drive. But are you saying I should never accept a lift, even when it is freely offered? If I am going on holiday with a partner who drives, they should drive to the accommodation and I should separately get the train?

I don't demand lifts from anyone. But if they freely offer, knowing I cannot reciprocate, I feel it's completely reasonable to accept

AlphaApple · 01/09/2025 21:13

I think you should learn to drive.

Chimney24 · 01/09/2025 21:13

In all honesty I would be annoyed at you too OP if I was the other half in the relationship.
I also "didn't get on with it". A lot of people don't. But I learnt and kept driving until I got better. It was hard but it's a necessary life skill for a lot of people.

Are you planning on learning or are you not going to bother because you don't want to?

SirBasil · 01/09/2025 21:18

i was the only driver in our house for a long time. It is absolutely infuriating.

So while he shouldn't be abusive, he is allowed to express stress and frustration. Learn to drive and help him out here.

BengalBangle · 01/09/2025 21:22

I can't drive for (valid) medical reasons and I bloody hate how much it limits my life and that of my daughters.
I think you should at least attempt to learn again.

Testerical · 01/09/2025 21:22

@Ilovelurchers absolutely not saying that. I have no problem giving lifts to non driving friends and will happily be the designated driver on holidays etc. I just meant it wouldn’t be ok to be lady muck and sit there expecting to be always ferried from pillar to post.

Macaroni46 · 01/09/2025 21:58

I voted YABU. Your poor DH must be fed up. You really think finding a parking space is just up to him? I think it’s time you learned to drive so you can share the burden.

Macaroni46 · 01/09/2025 22:02

Testerical · 01/09/2025 20:52

I think it’s absolutely fine not to drive as long as you don’t make excessive use of others’ cars and driving skills. So, do what my non-driving-friend does and make copious use of public transport.

If you expect to be driven everywhere then yes, you should absolutely learn.

However… what is with your husband carping on and getting cross with you when he can’t park or the traffic is bad?? I can’t imagine that would be my first reaction to driving irritations. That’s just part of driving. Some not very nice men like to take out driving dramas on their wives. Only you know if that applies to your bloke.

I disagree with a lot of this. Just because the OP isn’t actually driving doesn’t mean she can’t help look for a parking space or have empathy for the frustration of being stuck in traffic. Her DH is not being ridiculous; she is for not trying to learn to drive.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2025 22:05

I also don’t think it’s fair to leave him as the sole driver because you “didn’t get on with it”. It’s hard, and you can’t just rely on someone else driving and cop out.

Can the two of you get public transport sometimes in the meantime?

That said, it’s not right of him to start attacking you whenever he finds driving stressful. It should be a conversation had rationally, not snapping in the spur of the moment.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/09/2025 22:07

So I think you’re both being unreasonable in different ways (to sum up my above post)

LittlleMy · 01/09/2025 22:08

Well obviously it would be easier if you could give learning to drive another go but in answer to your Q YANBU as no your DH shouldn’t be taking his driving related stresses out on you when he struggles to find a space or you’re both stuck in traffic.

If you’re already nervy about driving it’s hardly going to make you feel more confident when you’ve got a DP like that unable to manage his emotions like an adult.

However, in the LT it’s good anyway for your own independence to be able to learn to drive if you’re able. A vital life skill in my book.

AnimalFarm567 · 01/09/2025 22:21

Learn to drive.

I get it. I don't love it. I found it hard and time consuming. Not just the practical driving, but studying too. Really not easy to do in your 30s.

But you absolutely must do it.

Especially if you have kids/planning on them.

Efrogwraig · 01/09/2025 23:22

I learned to drive in my thirties. Took ages & instructor commented that l wasn't a "natural driver"! He was right, I hated it but eventually it clicked & now l can't imagine not driving.

Maybe compromise on learning on an automatic which is easier. But yes, do it!

SirBasil · 02/09/2025 12:20

been thinking about this and my social circle. I only know 2 couples where only one drives (in both cases the male partner)

One of the women is blind. So. No driving for her.

The other? is a drama-llama princess type (I have known her DH since we were in basic training together, i don't like her, we tolerate each other) who failed her test (that she took too early) and has never learned again. He has, on occasion, told her to get out of the car and find alternative ways of getting where she wants to go, and has now stopped dropping everything to collect her from places. Luckily no DC. Perhaps OPs DH should try that?

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/09/2025 12:43

Im the only driver and it really grinds my gears! If you dont want him to stress at you, learn to drive. Its not that difficult.

dcsp · 02/09/2025 12:45

No-one should feel they need to drive. By all means have another go at learning to drive, but if you still "don't get on with it", then don't feel you have to persevere - if you feel you're not cut out for driving, don't drive (roads would be a lot better if a lot of other people who're not cut out for driving managed to realise this!)

But, if you don't drive, you should not then rely on your partner doing so. You should instead make decisions which minimise the negative impact of you not driving - whether this is small things (doing your shopping online), or big things (moving to or near a big town or city, where there's adequate public transport).

Packetofcrispsplease · 03/09/2025 16:31

Some people are definitely not natural drivers ( me included) but I learned and am only comfortable with driving certain cars and shorter trips .
I don’t think I have good spatial awareness and I don’t think I’m a good judge of speed and distance to be honest .
I didn’t really have a choice , railroaded into it as we moved house ( not my choice ) and I wouldn’t have been able to get my children to school and their activities.
If you can live in an area where you have good public transport and reduce the driving husband needs to do then that’d help .
You could give learning another try or take on other responsibilities that he’s not so keen on ?

AnimalFarm567 · 03/09/2025 16:41

dcsp · 02/09/2025 12:45

No-one should feel they need to drive. By all means have another go at learning to drive, but if you still "don't get on with it", then don't feel you have to persevere - if you feel you're not cut out for driving, don't drive (roads would be a lot better if a lot of other people who're not cut out for driving managed to realise this!)

But, if you don't drive, you should not then rely on your partner doing so. You should instead make decisions which minimise the negative impact of you not driving - whether this is small things (doing your shopping online), or big things (moving to or near a big town or city, where there's adequate public transport).

Plenty of people are not natural at driving, myself included. I get distracted easily, my spatial awareness is not great. BUT I had no choice and persevere. And from the outside I seem to be a very good driver (and have been told this by a few people) but that's because I put in a lot of effort. Even a 10 minute drive to the shops is very tiring for me, I have to make a very active effort to concentrate on driving at all times. I take it very seriously for the sake of my family.

And moving your whole family to a small flat to a city centre you don't want to live in and moving schools because you can't be arsed to drive, is not actually taking responsibility, it's punishing everyone for your laziness.