To ask which secondary you would choose in this situation?

[AllGonePeteTong1]

Sorry, not really an AIBU but keen to get lots of points of view.

Really spinning about what to do regarding secondary school for DD2. We need to decide this autumn. She has a recent diagnosis of ADHD and Autism. She's needed a lot of help to cope in primary, socially and academically. She is bright but has poor working memory and slow processing speed so is just scraping into 'meeting expectations'. She's struggled with friendship issues and has sensory issues with uniform and finding the classroom too loud. She has regular meltdowns at home. I'm very concerned about how she will cope at secondary, which is why we're in the process of getting her an EHCP (about to start the assessment). The local options are as follows:

Option 1: Local mainstream state co-ed secondary.
Pros: Sister already there. 10 minute walk away. All her friends will be going. Very high achieving school and Ofsted Outstanding. Good for music and drama, which DD is interested in. Has a specialist autism unit although it's only open to those funded via EHCP (only 4 places so unlikely my DD will get a place even with an EHCP).
Cons: VERY strict, particularly about uniform (totally inflexible) which I'm very concerned about given DD2's sensory issues. Questionable pastoral care (based on my older DD's experience). Reputation for not being great for lower level SEN needs. Poor transition support in year 7.

Option 2: Mainstream state girls school.
Pros: will know a couple of people there. Likely to be calmer environment given no boys. Good reputation for SEN support, pastoral care and excellent transition arrangements. No tie requirement (a big plus for DD). Also Ofsted Outstanding. Decent results though not as strong as option 1.
Cons: 50 minute walk or two bus rides away. Single sex, which DD isn't so keen on. Very large school, which could be overwhelming.

Option 3: Small independent school with high proportion of kids with SEN. Pros: Very positive ethos about finding the best in every child rather than being an exam factory. Homely feel, which would suit DD, small class sizes and exceptional SEN support e.g. onsite OTs, therapy/sensory room, one-to-one tuition - although this comes with an extra cost). Very nurturing. I think academically DD would flourish in this kind of environment.
Cons: A 50 minute bus journey away with only one bus a day - which means staying each day at school until 5pm. The distance would mean no local friends; small number of girls (used to be boys' school); and the biggie - the expense. It's affordable assuming my business continues to do well, but would mean a big evaluation of our financial plans (e.g. retiring much later). Also worried it would fuel resentment between DD1 and DD2, which is already a very strained relationship.

We're obviously going to attend all school open days, speak to the Sencos and see what DD feels most comfortable with, but would be really interested to hear people's experience who have had similar dilemmas!

I think you have summed things up with your last paragraph really.

If option 3 becomes a serious option then sit with DD1 and explain your reasoning

I’d say option 2, option 1 just doesn’t sound right for your DD and option 3 isn’t practical with being so far away.

Will she meet the admission criteria for both 1 and 2. I’m assuming she will for 1 if sibling priority is in the criteria. 2 is more unsure because of the distance (unless it’s under subscribed).

If there’s an EHCP in place, you could name school 2 if that’s what you decide on.

Seeing them, talking to the staff and getting a feel for what will suit her best, is always the best plan.

I'd choose option 2 in your shoes, seems to avoid some of the sensory issues you refer to.

She would get into both option 1 and 2. Agree that talking to the staff is the best. It's just hard to get either option 1 or 2 to engage with me - they just say to attend the open day, which doesn't seem sufficient. From experience, I know this will be a manic 300-people type event.

I’m a secondary school teacher and I’m drawn to option 2 for you, or 3 if affordable. Decent transition and pastoral support is worth its weight in gold.

Definitely go for look around, and try to arrange visits during the normal day too. Some schools put on specific events for SEN parents too.

Option 1 purely on the travel aspect. She may need to decompress quite a bit after school and a 50min journey would add to her tiredness.
Id speak to the school once you have a place. Not many schools will willingly engage in a support conversation inless you have already apllied and accepted a place at the schcool. Explain diagnosis, issues dc has and accomadations that could help like a time out pass to leave the classroom, ear buds to lessen the noise etc

Also if you have any parent carer Facebook groups or similar locally ask opinions on them. See how other parents find them support wise

Could she get option 3 paid for via EHCP? If they have on-site OT etc, you may well find that while it is "independent" the reality is that most of the children are there funded by the LA because it's expensive but not as expensive as specialist! In your shoes I would speak to the head of option 3 and find out what proportion of the children have an EHCP and whether the school would support you at a tribunal if (assuming it's a good fit) you named them on the EHCP.

I would see which she wants to do but would probably do option 1. Just with sister already there and less risk of problems on long journey/ could come home for lunch in older years. I think that mixed school could be better and less cliquey and if it’s strict should keep the disruption of boys to a minimum?

Agree about 1 and the travel convenience. She will get used to uniform. Ask for a tour during the school day and then the do transition day. Ask for the transition provision in the unit - can dd access this transition

Thank you all. I've spoken to parents with SEN kids at option 1 and the consensus seems to be that support isn't brilliant - they're not very proactive and is requires chasing for agreed accommodations to be put in place. Have also heard from parents at option 3 who have nothing but glowing things to say about the school. I don't know anyone with SEN kids at option 2 and the Senco there won't engage with me at all, but anecdotally, I've heard good things.

Possibly. The educational psychologist thought she'd have a good case for it at tribunal. There are a number of kids at option 3 with EHCPs. Hadn't thought of speaking to the school to see if they'd support us at a tribunal. That's a good idea.

So I did a SEND tour of option 1 and was unimpressed. They kept talking about 'crowd control' and said there were no special transition arrangements for kids on the SEN register unless they had an EHCP. They also said they wouldn't entertain any accommodations for uniform.

Yes, that seems to be the case. But it's such an important decision - it seems mad that you can't get more info about the support that will be possible BEFORE you apply!

You cannot choose a school solely based on distance for a child with Autism and ADHD.

The one bus a day plus the distance would put me off option 3 simply as sometimes you need to get to the school fast.

Option 2 would be my choice. Strict schools like Option 1 are not environments my son with ASD would manage in.

Personally, I'd go for option 1 as I think the benefits of having friends and it being 10 mins away probably outweighs the cons, and if it doesn't work out you can probably always change.

The uniform could be an issue, could you borrow sisters and try it?

Re: strictness I was worried about this but my DC seems to mostly like the strict rules at their school as they know what's what and it stops other kids mucking around.

BUT the teachers are nice and not shouty. Shouty teachers are a no for one of my ND DC.

Not 1 with a barge pole all of the elements you say don’t seem to suit your daughter at all. We ignored a similar 1 for DS

we didn’t go private for DS in the end but it was part of our thought process and we were honest with DD (older sister) that it wasn’t about favouring him but choosing a school that he could thrive in (he was in and out of school during years 5 and 6) and if that happened to be an independent school then so be it

But she also has a sibling there who can tell her lots a info to familiarise. I also negotiated for my dc to come home for lunch in second year to allow more decompression time which helped massively and only doable because we were close.
50min travel would have imploded my dc

Also worth bearing in mind that with an echp if you can show that option 1 can’t meet needs they should provide transport if the commute is not realistic for her.

Option 2 or 3 sound best.

Option 2 sounds best to me. Option one doesn’t sound good for children with SEN and option 3 could cause resentment between your daughters if you pay tens of thousands of pounds for education for one and not the other, especially if there are already issues. Also, if your business stops doing well you might have to take dd out and put her in a state school which could be really distressing for her. Option 3 would be good if it could be LA funded, but would they really fund it if option 2 would work?

do not underestimate how much easier the transition will be with a sibling and those extra eyes on the inside! You also know the negatives of the school because you know it well. The others you do not so it’s anecdotal hearsay.

from what I’ve seen with secondary’s they all have very similar problems. Under staffed, struggle to hang on to the staff they do have. And hang on to ones they probably shouldn’t!!

I think I would do option 1 with a view to back burn option 3 if it goes wrong.

A sibling with whom the relationship is strained. You cannot make the younger child’s disability the issue of the older one.

Knowing you’re going to be on high alert all day won’t help you.

SendIng a child with AuDHD to a school that appears to be proud to be inflexible and offers sub-standard pastoral support is asking for a fucking mess. School 2 is a 50 min walk or two buses which suggests it’s actually not that far and an EHCP could mean she’d get transport there.

My son’s school is about a 40 minute walk. A literal 10 min bus ride.

Just to clarify, option 2 is a 20 minute drive away - it's just that the bus makes many stops. Still not close though!

DD1 does complain that the teachers at option 1 are shouty. She is NT and still found year 7 very stressful.

There are no perfect options!