To ask which secondary you would choose in this situation?

[AllGonePeteTong1]

Sorry, not really an AIBU but keen to get lots of points of view.

Really spinning about what to do regarding secondary school for DD2. We need to decide this autumn. She has a recent diagnosis of ADHD and Autism. She's needed a lot of help to cope in primary, socially and academically. She is bright but has poor working memory and slow processing speed so is just scraping into 'meeting expectations'. She's struggled with friendship issues and has sensory issues with uniform and finding the classroom too loud. She has regular meltdowns at home. I'm very concerned about how she will cope at secondary, which is why we're in the process of getting her an EHCP (about to start the assessment). The local options are as follows:

Option 1: Local mainstream state co-ed secondary.
Pros: Sister already there. 10 minute walk away. All her friends will be going. Very high achieving school and Ofsted Outstanding. Good for music and drama, which DD is interested in. Has a specialist autism unit although it's only open to those funded via EHCP (only 4 places so unlikely my DD will get a place even with an EHCP).
Cons: VERY strict, particularly about uniform (totally inflexible) which I'm very concerned about given DD2's sensory issues. Questionable pastoral care (based on my older DD's experience). Reputation for not being great for lower level SEN needs. Poor transition support in year 7.

Option 2: Mainstream state girls school.
Pros: will know a couple of people there. Likely to be calmer environment given no boys. Good reputation for SEN support, pastoral care and excellent transition arrangements. No tie requirement (a big plus for DD). Also Ofsted Outstanding. Decent results though not as strong as option 1.
Cons: 50 minute walk or two bus rides away. Single sex, which DD isn't so keen on. Very large school, which could be overwhelming.

Option 3: Small independent school with high proportion of kids with SEN. Pros: Very positive ethos about finding the best in every child rather than being an exam factory. Homely feel, which would suit DD, small class sizes and exceptional SEN support e.g. onsite OTs, therapy/sensory room, one-to-one tuition - although this comes with an extra cost). Very nurturing. I think academically DD would flourish in this kind of environment.
Cons: A 50 minute bus journey away with only one bus a day - which means staying each day at school until 5pm. The distance would mean no local friends; small number of girls (used to be boys' school); and the biggie - the expense. It's affordable assuming my business continues to do well, but would mean a big evaluation of our financial plans (e.g. retiring much later). Also worried it would fuel resentment between DD1 and DD2, which is already a very strained relationship.

We're obviously going to attend all school open days, speak to the Sencos and see what DD feels most comfortable with, but would be really interested to hear people's experience who have had similar dilemmas!

Honestly - you’d be horrified at the awful bollocks they insist on even with a diagnosis.

I spoke to the head of our local prison school which has an ASD unit attached and he sounded like a drill sergeant - ‘we have very high standards, isolation is standard if uniform requirements aren’t met, they have to ask to remove jumpers, no exceptions.’

I asked him if he had to ask permission to remove his jumper and he said ‘no’. I asked whether it was possible a child who may have sensitivities to heat and cold the teacher cannot comprehend might be the one best placed to know if they needed their jumper on and he didn’t answer.

I told him that he’d be relieved I’m sure that I wouldn’t be accepting a place there. Imagine having to have a fight every fucking day just to be treated like an individual?

I don’t understand why it’s allowed.

A girl who’s mum I met had epilepsy with heat as a major seizure trigger and still her parents were told she would have to ask to remove her blazer or jumper. Funnily enough they decided she wouldn’t be going there

Have you read the thread?

@Cuwins it’s fucking insane. I don’t understand how the fetishisation of strict uniform became an altar so many workshop at.

I have immediately ruled out any primary school for my DD that has a tie. Uniforms, if they must have them, for primary age kids (if not secondary) should be polo tops or T-shirts with joggers/shorts, sweatshirts and trainers.

I think option 2.

Option 1 sounds like it will be a challenging environment for her. Option 3 sounds like a great school but the travel/distance doesn’t seem like it would be in her best interests.

That's appalling!

Good grief. Although it doesn't surprise me. DD1 has severe Reynaulds Syndrome. During winter in PE she asked if she could wear her school jumper as she had forgotten her PE jumper. Despite showing the teacher her white/blue and completely numb hands, she wasn't allowed to.

No where near as bad an example as the girl with epilepsy though!

I would be leaning towards option 2, with 3 as my second choice. I wouldn’t be that keen on option 1, especially for a child with SEN who will need the pastoral support.

I also think her sibling being there could be seen as a con, as they might both like their own space if the relationship is strained. Plus the sibling isn’t there to be DD’s support.

I would avoid at school where staff are shouty, and talk about crowd control in relation to SEN. Rings alarm bells for me.

My son started year 7 at a mainstream secondary 3 years ago, while he was being assessed for an ehcp. He's ASD, has joint hypermobility and sensory processing disorder. He just about coped with year 7 but 2 days into year 8 he had a complete breakdown and was out of education for 8 months. He is now at a school which sounds identical to your option 3, which is fully funded via his ehcp including OT, SaLT and mental health support. As its over 20 miles away he also get s taxi there and back paid for by our LA as it is the only school that could adequately meet his needs. It did take us going to tribunal to get that though.

He is doing amazingly well there, the difference between his currant school and the mainstream is world's apart. He's about to go into year 10 and on track to get gcses.

My experience of our LA is if you start paying for private school, its much harder to get the LA to take over funding via an ehcp, but not impossible.

Seeing his mental health in such a poor state was heartbreaking, but everyone was telling us to try mainstream, he might be ok. I do regret it now, I think we should have pushed for specialist from the start. His school has 98% pupils with an ehcp and has just changed its status to specialist independent.

Sorry to hear your son suffered so much @Loopylou555 but great to hear that he's now doing well. Can I ask - did you get an OT assessment and did you find it helpful? We're considering getting one for DD.

Hi,

Yes we paid for a private OT assessment, it was incredibly useful both because they assessed his sensory profile and because they did a full movement assessment and motor visual assessment. The NHS OT who assessed him for his ehcp didn't even meet him, she watched him in a lesson and then spoke to me and based her report off that.

The private report was costly thought, its cost is £1400 approx which included a 2 to 3 hour assessment and then a 39 page report which was incredibly detailed, it was money well spent but it was a lot of money.

If you get a private OT make sure they are trained in sensory processing if you want that assessed, find out what report you will get and check if they are happy to speak on your behalf at tribunal if it comes to that, although tribunal will cost extra.

Are private OT assessments accepted by LEAs though?

Depends. Interestingly our private OT wasn't but our private SaLT was. Where the private reports came into its own was when we were taking the LA to tribunal for content and placement of his ehcp. Our LA conceded before it got to tribunal, partly, I think, because we had such good evidence, and witnessed willing to stand for us.

We also shared the private ot report with school which did give them some insight and help with my son.

The OT report was also really useful for us at home, as it outlined things we could do to help his joints and sensory issues.

But it is a lot of money for no guarantee

Because our LA conceded, all the recommendations from all our private reports are in his EHCP.

That is enough to rule out option 1 for me. I'm all for sending kids to the nearest school, but not in this case. I don't like the sound of 'crowd control' at all. It speaks of not treating the children as individuals.

That's odd. I'm glad it was still helpful for you though. 🙂

Could you see if there's any way to carpool for option 3? The people in the next road have child that goes to a SEN independent school and they found two other families via the school and parent group and now three families share the journey so that they aren't stuck on a long bus ride. Each family covers 3 trips/week and then the one left over someone usually offers. I thought that was a very clever work around.

As for resentment/strained relationships. I often think that if a child is thriving their needs at home can feel easier/gentler/less full on. If your DD2 is thriving at school and not in constant stress/reactivity mode, there's a good chance it will help improve the sibling relationship with her older sister.

As for the money, the reality it is impossible to be 'equal' all the time with the reality of situations that pop up, especially when you factor in disabilities. There may be a time your DD1 needs extra supports in the future with something that DD2 doesn't need. There are many many children in SEN independent schools whose siblings are in state schools. I'd just make sure DD1 doesn't get lost in the shuffle and has a place she can share things she's finding hard in the sibling relationship.

This is really useful, thank you.

This is what I was thinking about the sibling relationship. It is currently strained because DD2's meltdowns are so upsetting for everyone at home. If she's in a better environment at school, my hope is that this will improve all our lives.