Why are my twins so much more chaotic than other toddlers

[Cokefirst]

I have 17 month old twin boys, they are CHAOS.
We used to be able to go for a quick brunch and wonder around shops as a family and bring them home for naptime, but now it’s just tantrums and throwing food and screaming.

They don’t let us go out and do anything. I don’t take them to events etc because they’d be too rowdy. They babble a lot but aren’t saying more than a couple words yet so I understand they get frustrated they can’t say what they want, but it’s gone so chaotic so quickly.

I have 2 other friends with toddlers (not twins) around the same ages and they are both toddler girls, and they are so well behaved. Just an odd whinge here and there but they sit eat listen and just let their mums do their outings.

I don’t know what to do or if I’m being unreasonable in comparing my boys to those girls. I can’t even parent them properly yet as they can’t understand when to be quiet and calm down.

The only twins I've encountered are extended family they are 30 now but they were wild when they were little i used to babysit to give their mum a break omg wired to the moon !

I think they probably feed off each other and it is chaos, i mean you are looking after same age babies at the same time, it will pass keep taking them out and don't compare.

I think girls get more difficult a bit later on than boys. Our friends have 5 year old twin boys and they’re so well behaved. They just stayed with us for a few days and my 3 year old DD’s behaviour improved as a result 😂 it’s a slog but stick with it! Set firm boundaries and in the long run I am sure they’ll end up doing great and you’ll be a bit more free.

They are toddlers and there are two of them it won't be forever .

I would maybe avoid brunch/lunch for a while just till it passes maybe a coffee and a run about the park will be better.

Agreed, it’s their age and you have 2 so it’s double the impact. Your friend with 2 toddlers of different ages can manage because they are different ages, like myself, doesn’t mean it’s easier though. I’m afraid you need to review your expectations and where you can go out which is normal. You were in the baby bubble for a while but now it’s toddlers.. it will pass

Toddlers don’t want to be looking around shops and sitting having brunch, they have lots of energy and want to run this off! The park, swimming, your garden, physical activity is your answer!

My DS was pretty wild at that age. My DD was much more calm. My nephew is a similar age and he’s also very calm. I think it’s just personality.

Also probably depends a bit on their development stage probably. My DS was good physically - walking, running, climbing, but his speech wasn’t as great so there was a lot of screeching and throwing and generally trying to communicate. Whereas my DD had more words but was less physical.

Two will feed off each other as well! And you can’t give one on one attention.

To put it simply... they can tag team creating hell. One toddler needs to take breaks occasionally.
Which then leads to more exhausted parents, so easier to wind up...

I remember the twins in my DDs nursery class. They seemed to create four times as much mischief... one would think of something the other would do it and vice versa. They calmed down eventually apparently.

I have twin boys OP. They were absolute chaos from about 18 months - 3. I remember taking them out to a shop to buy one thing. All very carefully planned so I could manage on my own. I went home in tears! From then all shopping was online, no more meals out and all trips were parks or soft play.

Similarly at playdates my friends would look on in horror at my little wrecking balls. Interestingly they all had twin girls…

BUT those feral little beasts are the most glorious young men now. They’re 17 and tower over me and they are wonderful in every way - kind, respectful and calm. Their 13 year old sister is an entirely different story!!!

The old motto stands: “This too shall pass” Sending you strength OP

It's definitely a twin thing. My twin girls are 16 months and they are feral.

[Love little boys!]
My 2 were v close in age although not twins - but I recognise the scenario.
I have a theory that it's only the parents (mostly mothers) of single daughters that get the time to write the articles, theorise on telly, make YouTube/TikTok videos etc. Everyone else is fire fighting.
Think & plan puppy - food/drink & exercise and you should get through it - with plenty of human behaviour and achievements too! Enjoy the ride x

8yo twin boys here. This is pretty typical from my experience. Mine are better behaved now but they can still strike sparks off each other

Firstly, I love tiny feral twins, I saw some in the park today and just thought “god I love that they are so chaotic and just don’t care”.
Secondly, I think 17 month old boys are often rowdy chaos - I know mine was. Girl mums would look at us boy mums at playgroup with barely disguised pity as our boys walloped each other with sticks, dug in mud and were just general filthy madmen. But they get past it. By 3-5 the boys were lovely company and the girls went through the mean stage of leaving people out and doing the “YOURE not my friend” thing. They all have their hard ages!

I didn’t visit a cafe by choice in about 5 years but my boys are now 13 and 15 and mainly very civilised.

I think it’s hit and miss, you’ve obviously seen them on a good day! Someone once stopped and asked me how I get my girl to sit so nicely in the buggy when their toddler wouldn’t get in… truth is 7/10 she’d be walking (slowly, sometimes turning back, touching things, trying to get close to the road etc). Generally people aren’t just better at managing their kids, they are just having a good day or a good phase or their kid is generally more compliant (u til they’re not!)

17m do not sit and have brunch. Sorry.
My 3 year old can last about 15
mins on a good day and she’s better behaved than many. After that she’s doing yoga on the seat, trying to get things from under the table, spilling her drink, needing a wee…

This is just toddler behaviour. I promise it will pass. I have been there. As a PP has said, toddlers have energy to burn. They like running, jumping, exploring, experimenting with their voice and volume. They generally get fed up very quickly of brunch and shops and sitting in the buggy. Trying to wrangle a bored and active toddler around shops or cafes (especially cramped ones) should be considered another circle of hell.

Instead suggest meet ups with friends or family in parks/ soft play/ splash park/ swimming pool/ paddling pool/ garden where there is more room to burn off energy. It's so much easier on you than trying to cope with them in a cafe.

As for other toddlers been quiet, calm and placid. Some people just hit the jackpot and have a really calm, placid child who is happy to people watch. My best friend has one of these magical children, her DS as a toddler would happily sit in a cafe (for 90 minutes), eat his lunch, people watch or quietly draw or colour, he didn't shout or scream or try to get out of his seat. He never runs off or gets into any mischief. His sister on the other hand is something else - she screams, fights, runs round, climbs out of the high chair and is a general ball of chaos. Both children parented the same, wildly different personalities. My own DD was like the latter child, some days I was pretty sure I had the reincarnation of Chucky. At 4 she is generally a delight to take out - as long as it's a short cafe trip and there is going to be a play park visit after the cafe, but still hates shopping or running errands.

My oldest son was a bolter and I asked a twin mum “what do you do if yours bolt in different directions” and she said “I choose my favourite that day and save that one”
I do think she was joking.

It's a twin thing OP. My twin DDs are now early 20s but I remember the toddler phase with horror ... they get each other going, it's very different to having a single child or two with different ages.

Definitely a boy thing. I found 15 - 24 months the hardest with my DS and then he improved dramatically when he turned 2. Obviously still threw a lot of tantrums for a good year or so after that but he could be reasoned with / bribed more easily once he could speak. Boys tend to be much later to develop than girls in my experience so while the girls in our friend group were sitting nicely at the table doing sticker books or colouring when we went for lunch, the boys were complete chaos, eating crayons, running around and trying to escape. We gave up eating out as well during that time unless it was a picnic or we were on holidays and had no choice, but it passes quickly. Hard in Winter though when you can’t be outside all day every day and just want a nice warm coffee and a sit down indoors!

This is normal.

I had a boy first then a girl - I know that there are 'exceptions' to rules but they are not the same!!

I could just chill at home or in a cafe with my girl - if she had been my first child I would have thought it was down to my marvellous parenting.

My son was a whirlwind - if I wanted him to sit still at all ever I had to wear him out like a dog for hours before hand.

cafes and stuff just aren't possible with all children - why should they be? Children aren't designed to sit still and be polite !

My dd at same age was impossible. She was like a whirlwind. I was permanently exhausted and I can’t begin to imagine what it would have been like if there were two of her! Ds (almost four years later) on the other hand was so calm and easy going. I could take him anywhere.
They are just all so different.

I think modern life has such unreasonable expectations of young children.

They are supposed to be moving - grabbing, learning, pulling things, touching stuff, running, learning how to use their gross motor skills - their brain literally needs them to be physically active. They need hours of time outdoors.

sitting at a brunch or going to an event sounds inappropriate for toddlers.

They are probably absolutely brilliant at being themselves OP so just stop worrying about other rexpectations.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a twin thing or a boy v girl thing, some kids are just naturally quieter or better behaved.

I still remember having coffee with a friend and our respective toddlers (both girls), hers sat quietly eating a muffin while mine repeatedly grabbed stuff off the table, threw it, and ran towards the door. It was always like that, with both my DDs. I didn’t go to cafes for a while…

But a single toddler is still hard… so double the trouble is double the stress!

Because there are two of them?

What I’ve realised is that between moving (crawling:walking) and preschool you have to give up trying. It’s not fun having afternoon tea or sitting in a pub garden… enjoy the play cafe/ playgroup/ park.