Why are my twins so much more chaotic than other toddlers

[Cokefirst]

I have 17 month old twin boys, they are CHAOS.
We used to be able to go for a quick brunch and wonder around shops as a family and bring them home for naptime, but now it’s just tantrums and throwing food and screaming.

They don’t let us go out and do anything. I don’t take them to events etc because they’d be too rowdy. They babble a lot but aren’t saying more than a couple words yet so I understand they get frustrated they can’t say what they want, but it’s gone so chaotic so quickly.

I have 2 other friends with toddlers (not twins) around the same ages and they are both toddler girls, and they are so well behaved. Just an odd whinge here and there but they sit eat listen and just let their mums do their outings.

I don’t know what to do or if I’m being unreasonable in comparing my boys to those girls. I can’t even parent them properly yet as they can’t understand when to be quiet and calm down.

2 boys together are always chaos in my experience...

7yr old twins here and it’s a twin thing. They feed off each other, they escalate for attention and the dynamic between them creates a whirlwind of behaviour that you can’t break into without separating them.

My two are still chaotic when together and behave worse than their singleton peers. They are completely fine when separate. And we actively schedule separation days where each gets to go out with one parent!

Unlike other posters, I would not stop going out places, because it’s really important they continue to have practice at these things. But I would lower your expectations and be prepared to leave when you have to. Gently stretch them rather than endure long time periods.

I will never forget, way before I had my twins, of being at a family party and someone’s 3yr old twins very nearly knocking over a flat screen TV. I remember the mum just breaking down in tears and shrieking’ Why do you have to ruin everything?!’. The poor woman (and I’m now definitely understand how she felt!). Those boys are 16 now and everyone is still alive!

My twins are ten now and I swear the toddler years broke me. I think my world was really small as they were so difficult and prone to charging off in opposite directions. Pretty much I got memberships to places I thought were safe a big adventure playground with awesome indoor play and a smaller local place that had sn interactive children’s exhibition and lots of toys. Both had really decent coffee and a baby change you could fit a double pram in.

Generally It was all about containment. Sandpit in a giant tractor wheel that they couldn’t escape from 👍 type stuff. I would say they got to three and were very independent abc played together a lot without my input . I do think with twins it gets easier in the long term.

I remember reading somewhere that single children get approval from parents while twins get approval from one another.

I did find my ds very tricky though from 16 months ish onwards. A lot of it was my own expectations being out of whack - I’d never had a toddler before and I didn’t know what was normal. My DD has just turned two and while she is a lot calmer than ds at the same age she isn’t above taking a swipe at another child with a toy she wants! Ds is very well behaved now but still attracts dirt like a magnet.

Do they get enough exercise? We had four year old twins staying with us last year and I remember our friends saying they needed two big run around a a day to be remotely civilised! An option could be you each take one out, work on sitting a bit calmly for a snack in a cafe with just one to one attention. Would help them understand what is expected without the chaos of having the other sibling there

My daughter was a nightmare toddler and there was only one of her so I do sympathise. What I’d wished I’d done in hindsight is lower my expectations of her. I was expecting too much. I shouldn’t have tried to carry on with the things I liked (eating out particularly) and should have done more child centred, less structured things.

I felt great pressure to teach her the right way of behaving but I don’t think she was developmentally ready to “behave”, she was a bundle of energy and emotion and opinions. I don’t think anything I did helped, she just had to get through it.

Now she is a very civilised albeit still strong willed 6 yo.

5 year old twins here and it's a twin thing!
They absolutely bounce of each other!

Lower your expectations - if you need to take them to a shop or two make sure your in and out and try and take them to the park/woods beforehand so they have had a big run about!

Even now we tell the boys how many shops we are going too and what we are doing afterwards - so they know it won't be all day and they will do something fun

My 8 year old doesn’t want to go to the shops 😂 - it’s just a phase OP.

Just had a flashback to trying to take my daughter to a toddler dance class and she didn’t listen or join in like the other girls. Just ran off, and ran around, stropped. I felt so embarrassed and like a bad parent. I really thought I must have been doing something wrong. But I wasn’t, she was just more of a challenge than the others at that point in time and actually now I understand her more and her interests and preferences, I would never take her to such a class! She is now (4 years later!) very well behaved and delightful.

My girl was chaos as a toddler. They aren't all nice and meek.

I had twin girls. I wouldn’t say they were badly behaved; but twins cooperate, which enables them to achieve more, while lacking the common sense that comes in an older toddler. So, for instance they would get a box to stand on to reach something they shouldn’t - because one holds the box, while the other stands on it. Also, mothers know silence usually means, they are doing something they shouldn’t - but with twins, one can be making a lot of noise, while the other is silently concentrating on something dangerous!

Mine used to back each other up, because they cared more about the other one than us parents. If I was telling the one off, the other used to say:

”Don’t you tell my sister off! You are upsetting her!”

Or, to the other one:

”Just say - I didn’t do it!”

They never got to play with their toys, because as soon as one picked up a toy, the other snatched it off her and ran off with it. DD1 in particular used to snatch a toy, then run round the house, laughing with it! DD2 was so enraged, she looked like Rumplestiltskin; and pushed DD1 down the stairs! A speech therapist assessed DD1’s pretend play at 3, and commented she didn’t know how to play with her toys. I told her, neither of them ever got chance!

My girl was like this. I took her to football and she now plays football regularly. 👍

My son was absolute chaos at that age. He didn’t like sitting still at all & there was only one of him. My daughter on the other hand would sit for a lot longer.
It will get better I promise.
For the next few years you will have to adjust what you do. Coffee at the park or play centre rather than cafe.
We went on holiday when my son was just 2 and it was so stressful, after a few nights we just accepted that me and dh would eat in shifts so we didn’t disturb everyone. A few years later it was so much better.
Practice at home by eating all meals at the table but don’t give yourself a hard time.

As a twin mum of 9 year old girls - it really is a twin thing. The toddler years were brutal from about 18 months to 3 years. It was so so tough in the moment - it does pass but I send love and solidarity.

Lots of fresh air and running wild in the park and accepting they have no interest in brunch and a look around the shops. These days, my girls love nothing more than a walk around the shops and going to lunch but they were completely feral as toddlers. They don't have an older sibling to learn from and egg each other on at that age and seem to have boundless energy to tag team exactly at the moment you are about to lose it!

Just popped back to say I think for twins it can be like having their best friend over to play every day!!

I think its not good to compare really.I mean it's difficult not to, but most little boys are hectic with tons of energy to burn off! My own DS was an early walker,hated shopping and really needed to burn off excess energy.You have that X2.Avoid cafes or shops (or nip out alone for a couple of hours while Hubby babysits ) Trips to the park/ swimming or Nat Trust .Any beaches nearby very good for tiring them out . Life changes a lot with DC ,and with twins you have a double whammy.

I don’t have twins - my two girls are 13 months apart (SO NOT THE SAME AS TWINS I KNOW THIS!) and they are completely feral.

Individually they’re gorgeous and so well behaved but as soon as we leave the house with them together it’s like a tornado, kids definitely feed off of each other!

I think this sounds normal for children that age. Mine behave like that if I go to restaurants or round the shops so I don't do these things with them. Restaurants and shops are adult spaces where adult behaviour is expected, they aren't adults.

Absolutely agree, twins rile each other up. Mine are 7 now and whilst they do still egg each other on it’s much better! It will calm down I’m sure. You have my sympathy though, it’s really hard with toddlers, never mind twin ones!

My eldest Dd was into bloody everything as a toddler she absolutely wasn't meek 🙄 😀

Twin mum here, I remember that age being super tough. I had boy girl twins and a 3 yr old DD. We did a lot of park trips at that age, feeding ducks, splashing in puddles etc occasional soft play and on a good day the library.
Cafe trips became so tricky at that age so we did a lot of picnics and ate on the go. Unless there was a play area we tended to avoid cafes at that age as they didn’t want to sit still for long.
Do you have much support? Sometimes I would take one out and leave the others with my sister or DH. It was so nice just having one to deal with! I appreciate not everyone has that luxury though.
I used to drive myself mad comparing mine to other singletons and thinking they were so naughty but I was just outnumbered and overwhelmed. Hang in there, it does get easier, mine are 11 now and a joy to be around.

I did used to compare my twins to puppies in that they needed enough exercise/ stimulation to tire them out of they would start being really destructive.

Sorry but you got the boys, girls are a different breed of toddler (I know not all of them)

Because there's 2 of them. They bounce off each other and egg each other on. They start chilling around 4ish ime.

You need to wear them out. Treat them like Labradors.