Why are my twins so much more chaotic than other toddlers

[Cokefirst]

I have 17 month old twin boys, they are CHAOS.
We used to be able to go for a quick brunch and wonder around shops as a family and bring them home for naptime, but now it’s just tantrums and throwing food and screaming.

They don’t let us go out and do anything. I don’t take them to events etc because they’d be too rowdy. They babble a lot but aren’t saying more than a couple words yet so I understand they get frustrated they can’t say what they want, but it’s gone so chaotic so quickly.

I have 2 other friends with toddlers (not twins) around the same ages and they are both toddler girls, and they are so well behaved. Just an odd whinge here and there but they sit eat listen and just let their mums do their outings.

I don’t know what to do or if I’m being unreasonable in comparing my boys to those girls. I can’t even parent them properly yet as they can’t understand when to be quiet and calm down.

What 17 month olds want shops and brunch? Pick more child appropriate activities and wear them out! Your friend having unusually mild toddlers doesn’t mean yours are abnormal, toddlers are exhausting and having twins just doubles it, you just have to roll with it and do what you can to wear the out every day.

Because there are two of them.

I remember when I had my singleton a twin mum friend looking at me feeding my daughter a puree in her highchair in the cafe, and she asked me again and again how I got my daughter to eat so nicely. The short answer was that there was only one of her! Several years later it is now me with twins and I recognise my friend's desperation back then.

Would say:
If they want to run around, facilitate it. Find safe/enclosed places, take them out, let them run around.
Train them every day, starting with seconds and building up. Want to watch TV? OK, first we tidy. We're getting dressed now - is mum putting on your trousers or are you doing it? And so on. Wait by the door, count to 10. It's not polite or fashionable, but I trained my children on recall and obedience because it makes a huge difference with two.

Parents of toddler twins simply cannot do the things other parents do unless both are present and able to immediately grab a child each. I think the best thing is to accept life as is for a while, go to soft play areas only or purpose built playgrounds for toddlers that are gated. Forget open parks or shopping centres. You can make your home fully adapted to their needs, just roll with it for a while. When they are 5 or 6 they actually get easier than single kids who often endlessly want you to play with them or chat to them. Don't forget there is a percentage of toddlers that are just mental! Parenting or twins status can't really change that, you just have to accept that's who they are are, that's the hand you were dealt. It doesn't mean they will be difficult at 5 or 8 or 14. Pls don't try to judge yourself.

My sister's twins are boy-girl and for the first 2.5y they were either both angels or devils, no difference in their moods.

Agree. My DS would absolutely thrive on a desert island spear fishing and running amok. Not so great in modern day UK (which isn’t the most kids friendly culture). He is an absolute whirlwind.

My DD is only 4 months so who knows what she’ll be like but so far she is exceptionally easy compared to him. I can’t believe the difference

Bless you - two are such hard work. I have twin girls who spoke to each other, but rarely us, until they were two, and didn't sleep through until they were 3. When they did eventually begin to speak, their English was clear and easy to understand - just keep talking to them. They're little sponges, they're learning all the time.

My girls fought like cats, so we gave them time alone with one of us as often as possible. Once or twice a week one would stay with DH while I took the other, taking it in turns to go different places and do different things.

As you will know, patience and a good routine is a must. We had a fixed bedtime with a good routine, of bath/shower, ready for bed, story, then lights out, right from the start (for our sanity as much as anything else) 🤪, especially as they didn't sleep through. When they started nursery we had trouble keeping them awake!

If it's any consolation, they do settle down to a bearable level ☺️ . Mine are in their 20s now, and are wonderful, loving and hard working young women of whom we are very proud, and love to bits.

I'm a boy twin mum too. They are now 3.5 years old.

For the first 2.5 years it ws one long chotic period but it DOES get easier x x I wish I had some useful advise.l but I dont. I can give you some comfort in knowing that I had to frog March 2 screaming toddlers out of the supermarket while I was crying myself. Lol !! I've had strangers give me a hug 🫂 because they felt sorry for me and my hair is full grey LOL xx BUT it DOES GET EASIER xx if you can get some alone time even for 20 minutes a day please do xx

They are boys. Its not your parenting. Developmentally boys are slower to mature and they will be more physical in their play. You can't reason with them, best approach is distraction and always carrying drinks and snacks as any time they are tired, hungry or thirsty they will be much more likely to get out of control.
18 months old is when the 'terrible twos' stage of development happens. Massive brain changes and frustration.
I couldn't take my boys anywhere as they were wild. Not sure if it was better with them being 2 years apart in age or worse, it prolonged the time when we couldn't go anywhere nice to eat, not even food shopping. Have coffee in soft play type places.

I have boys...5 years apart and it's still intense. There's a number of factors...boys are generally wilder than girls if they're boyish boys; with lower attention spans. Factor 2: the fact you have double trouble...bouncing off one another. Final factor personality. My eldest is rough and tumble...he's always right and stubborn as hell. He influences the 4 year old. He's only started to calm down dramatically at age 9....we still have our moments on a daily basis though. I am a firm and loving parent.

I am the aunty to two girls...they are now age 20. Walk in the park in comparison. Sat colouring for an hour...not a peep. Rational conversation early on. A LOT quieter.

All kids are just different. They'll calm down in time as they mature with love and firm boundaries. They sound similar to mine though...so don't expect it to be soon. Think age 8. But if they are anything like mine they'll still be scrapping 🙈🙈🙈. I always think though...my two will make interesting and resourceful human beings. It won't be forever...think of it as an adventure. My kids are wild, but loving and hilarious creatures 😁 You'll miss it when it's gone ❤️

My guess (not a twin mum) is that it's harder with two because you must have to have eyes in the back of your head! The only thing I can really compare is that my younger two are 7 & 4, the 7yo has ADHD and his impulse control/ability to listen to instructions is about where the 4yo's is, sometimes a bit worse. But of course I never had two at a "toddler" level at the same time, because when DS3 was a toddler, DS2 was 4-5 years old and while he still acted like a 3yo, that's not the same as a 17mo. But I couldn't have gone for long lunches etc with an 18mo either - certainly not as they approached 2. It might be your friends have the "terrible twos" to come yet.

In general, my approach for the toddler years, bearing in mind I only had one at a time, is to try to control the environment rather than the child, so make generous use of buggies, reins, or whatever it takes to keep them contained, then only let them out in rather contained/controlled environments and increase freedom a bit at a time as they show you they can handle it. It might be you need to do this more with two. Work on hand holding etc within those safe boundaries and only move to relying on hand holding after they are reliable with it. Agree also always carry snacks and distractions like small toys.

Are there twin parent support groups in your area? I bet they would be better set up to contain chaos and it might be nice to have the support of other mums/dads who have been through this stage.

Forget the nice family meals out for a while. Take them places where they can charge about, make a racket and wear themselves out. Twins will wind each other up! Just accept that you have two active boys and try to survive the next few years.

My eldest was absolute chaos as a toddler - very energetic and curious, constantly on the move, we stopped even trying to go out for meals or do anything except go to playgrounds for a while. Youngest has been pretty chill so far (now 2.5) but he's a lot more cautious and reserved, shy around new people etc and unlikely to stray far from me, can be easily occupied for ages with a book or drawing. Both boys so not gender related, they're just different temperament-wise. If it's any consolation, the older one (now 5) is now much calmer and we can go out anywhere as a family without any issues. He's still very outgoing and curious though, makes friends easily, has lots of interests and very chatty, so he's a joy to be around :)

I don’t believe all this boys are wild and girls are calm nonsense they react to their environment. The expectation is on Girls that they will sit there and be quiet and so they are.
Expect that of your boys

Discipline methods are different
characters are different
must admit going out for meals and such never was a thing when mine were young

Twin Mum of two boys here ! Also agree they need to be treated like puppies and worn out. Mine could run round for hours and hours at a time. They would wind each other up - this doesn't change 🤣🤣 . I know when you are in the thick of it - it's grim - but it does get better . I just took them out a lot where there were parks / fields / anywhere for lunch where there was outside park / area. National trust properties were a bloody god send

I am one of six and the middle two are twins. My mum said after them she was genuinely not phased by anything. My dad is also a twin and when him and his brother are together - even at 70 they are an unstoppable force of mischief and chaos, so you’ll probably have to deal with it for the rest of your life I’m afraid.

I have twin boys and would agree with this poster, word for word. They were born 2 months premature so the chaos lasted a bit longer until they were 3.5 years old.

I had to change my expectations to reduce the stress....no brunch/lunches, shopping trips with the twins. Instead, lots of physical, play so they burnt off their energy. As they got older, were able to speak & understand more it became easier. I also had a consistent routine & boundaries which helped me get through the chaotic years.

Mine are now 24 year old calm, kind & caring men....I am so proud of them.

I remember feeling quite isolated & tired during their younger years so I know it's not easy for you. My daughter is 4 years older than the twins & I

We couldn't go to restaurants/nice eating places for about 2 years between the ages of 2- 4 for my eldest son and that was just with one of him! It's bloody difficult. Basically if anyone invites you out to anything other than a picnic just say no! Parks are your friend and open spaces with boundaries at the edge.
Hang in there, it may be impossible at the moment but it won't always be like that.

DS2 is 21 now but ex DP and I still remember Easter 2005, DS2 was 20 months old and usually went to nursery full time. It was a 4 day weekend and we were pulling our hair out. It was such a difficult age. I can’t imagine that times by 2! Happy to say he became a really easy child, a perfect teen and is a really lovely young adult. But he was feral at that age!

Double trouble. A constant pal to love and hate.
They're very young, it will get better with time.

First, boys are like Labrador puppies and need to be walked and exercised the same.

Second, there are 2. I have twin goddaughters and they were feral. It was like trying to control ferrets in a sack.

Same, I (thankfully) only had one toddler boy at once and i really did need eyes in the back of my head. He was like a whirlwind, however toddler-proof i thought I'd made sonething, he got round it, Mr Muscle oven cleaner childproof lid was no problem for him either he seemed to find anything potentially dangerous or messy.

Just like another pp i often likened him to a dog who needed to be exercised and worn out every day probably til he was about 6. If he was ill or couldn't go out, for a few days, the recovery period was absolute bedlam! Even DD would beg us to go out because he was too crazy indoors. One year I remember going to a country park in the Easter holidays, after he had been quarantined with a sick bug. The weather was horrendous and we were virtually the only ones there but by God we needed to get out!

We also stopped going out to eat, for about 3 years before we were sure both could behave suitably. Now DS is a very chilled out 15 year old...but he still hates shopping, of any kind!

Mums of twins, I salute you 👏

Yeah I could never do coffee or anything that required sitting and focusing when my boys were babies.

My twin girls were chaos goblins at that age.
Really, really full on; more active than even boys of that age that we came across.
16 months to 5 years old was...bloody mental.

Twin boy mum here (also have older DD). I used to look with pity at boy mums when i had my angelic toddler daughter who would sit and draw and play make believe on the floor for hours. Twins were a whole new new ballgame sent to punish me for my smugness. They were utterly wild for first 4 years, constantly winding each other up, competing to run fastest, furthest, climb highest etc. Would often fight quite viciously. My world became very small and I spent a lot of money on toys and garden play equipment to keep them occupied at home. This period tied in with covid so not even any soft plays open and parks were often locked, it was hell.
I never did the 'nice' things I did with my DD, no café trips or mooching around the shops. I accepted that, I used reins when I did venture out. The house still bears the scars of their toddler years, but at 7 I am starting to feel like it would be worthwhile redecorating. They are now wonderful and each others best friends and constant playmates. I now receive envious comments about how it must be so easy for them to always have someone to play with from singleton parents. I smile and nod as they will never understand the hard work it took to get to this point.
Anyway, point is that yes parenting twin boys is incredibly hard and you do have to make adaptations you might not have to with other combinations. Good luck it gets easier!