If you didn’t send your child to nursery ?

[OJR]

What was your reasons? Did you get judged for it ?

Pre-school nursery which introduces the routine and curriculum and prepares children for starting school - yes.
Private nursery where children spend 10 hours a day with bored, unqualified teenage staff - no.

I'm not the poster you asked, but I was part of a major early years study.

To me, it's not as straightforward as "good or bad" for each option, because there are bad parents, bad family care and bad childminders/nurseries/nannies, as well as good. (There are also of course, bad teachers, who project their own prejudices onto children)

Some of the noted common disadvantages of each bad example are:

• parents - limited experiences when the parent hasn't done much beyond have the child at home, without any good routines etc.
• family care - strict rules about play and activity that means the child is excessively cautious to engage
• childminders - poor learning experiences copied, e.g. bad grammar, things like calling a cube a square
• nurseries - bad behaviour management leading to poor emotional regulation/socialisation
• nannies - similar to bad family care, but usually at the preference of the parents for a "strict" nanny

Of course, any and all of these can happen in any of the settings, but those were the noted trends by schools involved in the project. And although it's anecdata, that doesn't preclude it being noticeable and true. Data, especially social data, often originates in anecdata, because humans intuitively find patterns.

No judgement from me for making your own choices, but it's not surprising that you knock the choice you didn't make, admit that partly it was very much for you own convenience in the same post.

But this is just wanky:

I much preferred that over some 18 year old college btec key worker looking after my child in the same room day in day out.

For one, my son's keyworker was 19. Yes, she had BTecs. And she was emotionally intuitive, brilliant at engaging with my son, fab at challenging his learning and great at encouraging good behaviour too.

There are shit childminders and shit parents and shit nurseries, but don't piss on young women and denigrate their qualifications to justify your choices.

Why would anyone judge that?

You are either well off and don't need to work, and can spend time early years with the child or the child has complex needs and struggles on daycare/nobody will accept them. That's my experience of people not using childcare.

I wouldn't judge either of them.

Mine was 3 when adopted and SS said he HAD to go to pre-school and knowing no different, I complied.

Worst decision.

It made the bonding process so much harder because every day I was taking him to somewhere he didn't want to go and every day when I picked him up he was cross and upset with me. It did him no favours and probably underpinned his whole aversion to "school" and having to withdraw him completely in Y8 as it was unsustainable.

I wish I had the knowledge then that I have now, and had stood up to SS and said "no". But when you are scared they will take the child away again if you don't jump through their flamming hoops, it's hard to make sensible and reasoned decisions.

So I don't judge anyone for not sending a child to nursery or pre-school. It doesn't suit every child.

Please re-read what I said. I asked what a nursery can give that a "hands-on, involved, curious, and loving parent" cannot.

A parent like that would take their child to play groups and classes and have play dates so the child will have plenty of socialisation and friendships in which they can explore social etiquette, social norms, manners, etc.

In addition, they would take their child on outings to the park, library, farm, woodland, etc which a nursery would not.

My own toddler goes (and will continue to go indefinitely) to groups where he mixes with people of all ages - from babies younger than him to older adults the same age and older than his grandparents and everyone in between. In terms of learning social skills, that's surely far preferable to be artificially placed into a room with only others born within 12mths of you?

It's unclear what age-bracket the OP is talking about but 2yr olds are not developmentally ready to share or "understand peer emotion" and throwing them into a group setting and expecting them to do so is just a recipe for absolute chaos. Ask anyone who has worked in a toddler room. 3&4yr olds don't have to be in a formal setting to learn these skills either.

None of mine went to nursery or preschool. I took them to a co-operative collective where they socialised with other children while having all the activities available that would be in a preschool, but run by parents who stayed, play groups, music groups, swimming, gymnastics, dance, whatever their interests were and what gave them new experiences to help them discover the world and find out what they enjoyed. We visited friends, went for walks, to the park, lots of other outings, I did crafts and gardening and cooking and all sorts of things with them at home. No-one has judged.

For some children nursery before 3 can be beneficial, that is why the 2yo funding initially came in, as not all families are as involved with their child’s development as they should be, for a variety of reasons.

Only had my kids in pre-school nursery - first year of foundation stage - funded by local authority, five half day sessions a week. It wasn’t a case of being well off and not needing to work, but not being able to find a job in a new town and find or afford childcare for two and then three children. We lived very frugally until the youngest started school and I found part-time work. Enjoyed toddler groups and playgroups and just being at home with the kids instead of sending them to nursery.

My daughter is autistic (we didn’t know it then). She had never liked big groups so we sent her to the most amazing childminder where she flourished while she was there. On the other hand my our son was and still is polar opposite. Lives to be in the thick of it so he went to nursery and was really happy. It depends on lots of circumstances and fortunately for us we had lots of options near where wile lived

Yes, and it's always worth remembering that whatever studies are produced, there are ALWAYS limitations to research and studies that are based on a lack of data about individual cognition.

Having worked with the top experts in the field of child development and early years care, it boils my piss to see people misquoting and backing generalised research to the hilt on Mumsnet to have a crack at other mums or to valorise their own choices.

One of the most profound statements on early years that I heard in my work, from a leading expert, was, "good enough is good enough".

Essentially, children are robust little things, and we don't need to be perfect or provide them with perfect 100% of the time. When given a loving, sufficient and not actively harmful environment for their needs, they will thrive. Attachment and enrichment are not a programme of or the result of one exact style of parenting or care.

I work part time and had a nanny so no nursery but sent to term time pre school at 3 for the 15 hours. I was judged by others for not socialising my son by sending him to nursery, although he did go to playgroups and have playdates. I did it as my first son was a high needs baby with challenging sleep and I couldn't imagine his needs being met by a nursery. I also didnt feel the knowledge of child development was good enough in the nursery settings I visited when he was a baby.
I think some of the judgement was jealousy, some was due to a misunderstanding of child development and when babies are capable of truly playing with peers, and also caregivers own disquiet that they couldn't acknowledge about sending their little one to nursery.

Why?

Mine didn't do nursery or preschool. No particular reason against them I just didn't want to. We did loads of social things and had many groups/activities. No one said anything about it to me, why would they?

People seem to think that if you don’t send your child to nursery or pre-school they never leave the the house, meet other children, or do any activities and spend their days looking through a crack in the curtains at the outside world…..

What's your reference on children's ability to play with peers, out of interest? Also, are you strictly limiting it to "play", as in a game they're both following?

Because 1) there are lots of interactions besides play at nursery and 2) there are different age ranges given for play.

For example my son's behaviour changed at nursery when he became the oldest in his group. He was mimicking the adults, in particular "looking after" the babies. One little girl needed a lot of encouragement, and he sat with her feeding her cereal (she was 1yo, he was 18m). The thought she liked it because she had a big brother at home that did the same. Positive interaction includes routine and shared experience, not just play.

When we went on holiday, it was obvious that the toddlers (again, 14-24m ish) would gravitate to each other, and the international language of babies is "let's run around and scream together". Happens all the time at the park too.

It's not turn taking play, it's not parallel play, it's not structured games. It's just bleeding obvious that they enjoy seeing another young child.

Indeed 😂
I used to volunteer as a parent helper in my daughter's class.
We did a trip in Reception that basically was a walk around our area. Several of the children who were the ones who had been in daycare since babyhood had never been to any of the local shops or the library etc.
The "stay at home" kids would be excitedly pointing out things like "This is where we go to buy milk" or "I go there to get my books" etc.
They knew more about the local area and community than the daycare children.

I think that is ideal preparation for school and getting used to classrooms etc.

When did they get used to leaving you though? If they haven't done that and then go to school that is a bit of a shock. Plus you say there is no reason but usually parents like yourself it is because you don't want to be parted from your child.

Yes-there’s a real Carrie vibe in our house!

🤣

They were fine leaving me when they went to school. Really fine. They're happy kids and they love school - just because they were home until school doesn't mean they were hanging on to my legs.

I really didn't have a reason - I just like my children and didn't see it as a problem to have them with me. If I had had a 9-5 then they would have gone to childcare, I'm not at all against it or have any idealistic views on it.

They're happy, they're well-adjusted, I'm happy, I'm well-adjusted. I just didn't see the need, that's literally it.

They got used to the classroom when they started being in it.

No, I was a SAHM (although this was 25-30 years ago) so no intention of putting them
in nursery. They both went to preschool from 3 though - v part time to start with, increasing slowly until they were doing one whole day and 4 half days just before starting school.

All of my friends did different things. Some had children in full time nursery, others had part time arrangements or child minders and others like me stayed at home. I don’t remember any judgement though. Or if there was I missed it! Everyone does what they need to do don’t they??

Just thinking about this. I wouldn't dream of saying (because I don’t think it) that you send your child to nursery/pre-school because you couldn’t wait to get rid of them. So why do you think it’s OK to say the opposite of people who don’t?