If you didn’t send your child to nursery ?

[OJR]

What was your reasons? Did you get judged for it ?

Yeah , my mum's a primary teacher and she also says she and colleagues always said this, but not for the reasons you seem to think 😬

I work in nursery and we can tell within about 5 minutes if a child has been before. The difference in self care skills is stark. Most children who have been at home will constantly look to the adult to do things for them, they might throw their coat on the floor, ask you for a drink or wait for something they drop to be picked up, tell you their nose is running then hand you the snotty tissue. Children who have been in a formal setting will hang up their own coat, pour their own water and pick up everything, get a tissue if they need a tissue and put the dirty tissue in the bin.

Sent dc 1 to playgroup a couple of times a week instead. I worked in another city and it fitted in better with my parents doing childcare.
Dc also wasn’t ready.

Myself and most of my friends didn't send our kids to nursery... but we are in our 60s.. we were mostly SAHM.. it never crossed my mind or that of my husbands that l would go back to work .. we left work around i months pregnant and that was it... some of us found a part time job once the kids were 5 and started school... if another baby didn't follow on.. but usually a 2 to 3 year gap and we had another... my husband was a university lecturer.. our house was gifted by his Grandparents.. loads of my friends husbands were miners.. so much easier to buy houses then.. and live on one wage... l couldn't imagine having my kids.. only to leave them with strangers in a nursery so young.. l wanted to enjoy them.. and l did.

Both of mine had a nanny (part of a nanny share) as felt a home environment was a better fit for them as fairly shy or needy babies. It was also convenient for us and nursery places were thin on the ground. Both went to preschool age 2.5.

I didn’t because I didn’t want to and I was able to have the choice to be a SAHM. I think one of my children would have struggled to settle at nursery so it worked out well. We had a few judgy comments from a couple of people we knew, but they weren’t people who we valued the opinions of so we took no notice. We were happy with our choice and our kids were happy so anyone’s negative opinion was easily ignored.

My children all went to the nursery/preschool attached to their primary school from aged 3 for a few hours a day. The same people that judged us for not sending them to nursery younger told us our children would struggle with it. Thankfully they didn’t.

Parents can’t do right, they get judged for staying at home, they get judged for working. It’s best to just do what suits your circumstances and ignore the judgy people as they’ll find something to judge whatever you do. I think they must be unhappy with their own choice to ‘care’ so much about what others are doing.

Forced to? Do you live in a country where home ed is illegal?

How does that 1:1 care happen if the child has a sibling? Or is it only best for eldest/only children

Same, mine went to school nursery for a year pre reception but didn’t go before that as I was caring for their very ill father and we wouldn’t have been able to afford it. When they became eligible for free hours, I did try and get them a place but couldn’t get them in anywhere, as I was told that you had to be paying for the place first in order to secure a place. I was on my knees with trying to juggle visiting DP in hospital and caring for him when home and looking after very young children so the free hours would have been a godsend. If people want to judge so be it!

How do you know that there would be horrendous upset when starting school / nursery ?

Dc may have still only been upset once . If they'd been to nursery may not have been upset at starting school

My dd2 went to 2 preschools then started reception and before ywar one another school as we moved. No upset at all really. Nor was she upset being only child from her primary going to the secondary school she attended. Its not a given

Doesn't have to be an only child, it depends on the age gap. DD2 had 1:1 care from me as DD1 was in pre-school and then school when she was born, and then DH was around after school so she's always had the attention of one parent.

I did send both my dcs to preschool from age 2.5 though and I think it was the right thing for them. They thrived on the social aspect and it made the transition to reception much easier.

Socialisation with children their own age.
Learning to understand they can’t have their own way and have everything they want when they want it as there is no one to share with.
Taking turns.
Understanding and relating to peer emotion.
Age appropriate learning from peers.
Friendships.
Exposure to diversity in peer groups.
Learning to deal with and resolve conflict with peers.
Participation in group activities

Y’know, stuff like that.

I didn’t want my young daughter being cared for by strangers - as such I only went back to work two half days a week and my mum had her during those hours.

Multiple-child establishments in my personal opinion is no place for a child under 3.

What about school holidays or you were both off work throughout them all? And neither had to go elsewhere during children's waking hours?

I have a 12 year gap between dd2 and ds. I still don't consider ds got 1:1 care at any time really

We had a lot of pressure to send our son before he turned 3. I am really glad that I didn’t listen to them.

Children are constantly told to be ready for the next stage(s).

“go to nursery to be school-ready” - they then often have a six week summer break and a drawn out settling in period that can take them until end of September when they properly start reception anyway!

”lots of testing so ready for SATs”

”homework from 4 so they’re ready for homework at senior school”

”go into school when feeling ill to slow productivity for more people so you get used to making your colleagues ill and slowing team productivity when at work”

”if ahead of your class, be bored in case you work in a job that doesn’t challenge you at all”

”sit at a desk for hours in case you get a job that entails that”

”send them to nursery so they can pick up as many bugs as possible before they start school to also pick up as many bugs as possible”

I wouldn’t judge you OP. Mine did a mix of part time nursery and childminder, sometimes had to use emergency Nannies and then they went full time to preschool.

At my school there are people that used childminders, were/are childminders themselves, nursery, nannies, grandparents, none.

With one of ours we didnt . She is autistic and was non verbal and didnt like strangers. Only really let me and her dad near her. So simple practical things she may need help with they would not have been able to do.
We went to play groups . Although she didnt acknowledge the other children. We did parks/soft play and so on. And just did simple play that involved learning at the same time.

Agree.

I am in the US and was privileged to be.a sahm. My DCs stayed home with me until age 4, when they went to preschool for two hours a day, four days a week. One went to a programme where I signed up for eight week sessions, so I skipped the January and February session because they are the worst of the winter months and schlepping toddler plus 4 year old out in the bitter cold for a 2- hour session, home again with toddler, and then out again for pickup wasn't worth the effort.

The DCs were perfectly secure and happy and settled easily into school when Kindergarten rolled around (at age 5). We didn't even do a huge amount of activities at ho.e aside from the usual art/ crafty stuff, playing with toys, watching kids' TV, and walking to neighbourhood attractions. It's not necessary at all to pile on outings and entertainment for small children or make them spend time 'being socialised' with others in a loosely supervised setting.

Agree.

Don't forget 'wear a silly, impractical uniform (makeup strictly prohibited) so you'll get used to the world of work' where nobody would dream of removing a scratchy blazer on a hot day.

No mine went to a childminder instead! She was a lady who raised 4 children into successful adults, had a great home full of toys and learning aids etc... she had memberships at the local farms, zoos etc... so DD was out at least twice a week to these places with her and some other children she cared for too.

I much preferred that over some 18 year old college btec key worker looking after my child in the same room day in day out.

Another factor was that we needed 4 days 8.30 - 4pm and although when she was 3 I felt bad for not sending her to nursery, it wouldn't have been practical as they only did term time 9.30-2.30 sessions or something!? So it would have been a massive ball ache to organise.

I’ve experienced a bit of judgement and rudeness with comments along the lines of “when are you sending her to childcare, it’s so good for their development and they make friends and get all kinds of experiences you can’t provide at home”. Or else statements like “I don’t know how you do it all day at home still, both my child and I would be so bored and I need to use my brain/talk to adults at work” etc.

I’m a stay at home mum to my toddler daughter because my husband and I both value having our children at home with a parent in the early years, and because we are hugely fortunate to be well off enough financially that we don’t need me to work. I don’t find it boring, my daughter and I are out doing things every day (parks, play centres, playgroup, swimming, library, music class, baby gym etc) and I know that she is much better off with me than in a childcare centre/nursery.

I would say that any vaguely negative comments I’ve had were made from a place of insecurity and jealousy.

There is research to suggest that actually there’s no benefit to childcare before 3 years, for most children who come from nurturing, stable homes. I’m in Australia and there’s a childcare quality crisis here with a lot of media about neglect, abuse and poor standards in childcare centres.

I’d imagine a lot of parents would rather not use nursery/childcare centres but can’t afford to stay home. And plenty of people have careers they enjoy or just don’t want to be with their infants and toddlers all day everyday and that’s fine too!

And before any of the comments come along about the vulnerability of stay at home mums, I have independent income from investments, I have a supportive husband and I absolutely love being with my child all day. That being said, I also wouldn’t be judgmental towards parents who do use nursery - the vast majority need childcare because they need to work to have even a basic standard of living.

We need to focus on improving parental leave and on improving the standards of care for all children in nurseries rather than making parents feel guilty for using it.

Because I didn’t need to or want to. No I wasn’t judged as far as I know.

My two learnt invaluable social skills in pre school IMO. I witnessed a child who I think didn’t go to pre school really struggle starting primary school. I think for those children pre school is a valuable transition. There’s no settling in period in our primary school in Ireland. There is free universal pre school free for 3 hours a day for 2 years. Apart from that one child I haven’t met anyone who hasn’t availed of it.

You can still spend significant time with your child & send them to pre school for 3 hours a day.

I think I’d ask myself the reason for wanting to keep my child out & if some of it has to do with not wanting to let go of them being little.

I wouldnt however comment to anyone about their decision, not my place.

SAHM - neither a need nor the finances for my children go to a day nursery before the age of 3 as didn’t need childcare.

I took them to local (cheap) ‘stay and play things’ at churches, children’s centres, 1 0’clock clubs and libraries etc so plenty of chances to mix with other children alongside me. Lots of play dates with other mums etc and I feel my child benefitted from having a lot of 1:1 attention from me. I was there to model behaviour and gently intervene to teach them to share and play gently etc…

I loved setting up craft activities at home and taking them to parks and playing with them in the house and having 1:1 to read and chat and play all day with me meant they never missed out on an ‘education’ as education at this age is all about exploring and play and that’s what we did. Non stop chatter and interaction !

screens not a thing when mine where little - except tv and we had that less than 1/2 hour a day as we were too busy playing and doing things together and tv only put on if we were going to sit and watch it (never background wallpaper) so very ‘focused activity’ of lets watch Tweenies - then it was turned off.

At 3 had the chance to go to school nursery ratio of 26:2 (1 teacher , 1 nursery nurse to 26 kids - ie 13/1 ratio) or local ‘preschool’ where ratio was 5/1. Chose the preschool both for higher ratio and also the most beautiful setting with a massive outside space that outsripped the school nursery.

Did have to pay a bit but mainly covered by funding where as school nursery was ‘free’ but liked the more informal set up of the preschool that truly was play based where as the school nursery was uniformed and formal and very much ‘school prep.’

Preschool was right for us and they went into reception at age 4 (young in the year as aug birthday) and no problem settling. Were ‘school ready’ as toilet trained , able to change own clothes / put on shoes and knew how to use books / had a concentration down from reading extensively at home with me and had had lots of interactions with other kids (knew how to share and play nicely together, knew how to tidy up ) could eat and drink from standard cutlery / cup and had had exposure to huge range of play activities and craft . Could write / read own name etc as had learnt at home with no pressure from me just occurred naturally as I write their name in their drawings etc.

every activity at home was a learning experience - either playing with toys or helping me cook or do chores - so many maths skills through sorting, weighing etc and constant language development from talking.

I think people underestimate how much of a ‘good education’ a sahm can provide if they are engaged and actively seek to make everything a learning experience.

3 under 3, stay at home mom mainly, then worked evening and weekends.
why would I send them to day care?
no one cared, most of my mom friends were full time sahm.