Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

We are all in different parts of the country. MIL is abroad. Doing this by enn email is impossible and she didn’t want her last time face to face with people to be doing admin. I love this about her- she looked at a problem and even at 80+ and unwell she thought of a solution to get everyone together and on the same page. The video call is the latest in a long history of her embracing new things.
It wasn’t just jewellery- art, photos - all the sentimental stuff were distributed to people who wanted it. It was actually very moving and we remembered the stories behind things. She made an offhand comment about why she needed 100 scarves and said they were in a donation bag. They’re now going to DD who wants to make a grandma quilt.

This.
I would never accept MIL ‘s jewelry over her own daughter ( SIL)

I would be gutted if my SIL had my mother’s jewelry. Sorry but I would. .

So many posters on all kinds of threads lay down the law about something - anything from what colours you're allowed to wear at a wedding, whether children can attend a funeral, how often you should change your bedding, to what kind of relationship you're allowed to have with your MIL and how you are allowed to leave your own property. It never seems to occur to them that what was normal in their own family and social circle is not necessarily normal to other people, and this is not a problem.

Case in point. It sounds as if the relationships in your family are quite different from the relationships in the OP's family. Presumably you have seen your mother at some point in the last four years. The OP's SIL hasn't seen her mother in that time.

Do you also believe that ancestral estates should only be passed from father to son - and that, if there are 'only' daughters, a distantly related or random male should be found to receive it all?

Edit: sorry, I should have refreshed before posting, as Mrseasy had already made the same point just before!

SIL is being unreasonable for being so useless but I would be very upset if my mother's jewellery was given away outside the blood family

OP so sorry for what you are going through.
MIL has made her choices and they sound very fair. Unless your SIL has a reason for wanting a specific item of jewellery for sentimental reasons, I think she is being very unreasonable.
Tell her to ring your MIL and have it out with her as it is nothing to do with you (in terms of what has been decided).

because that’s the only way to guarantee it stays in the family. If given to a daughter in law the jewellery will leave the family in case of a divorce.

Hmm is a tough one, mil should have asked one of her children to set up the meeting, you setting it up has definitely put you in an awkward position. However, the jewellery should be going to her daughter IMO regardless of the value there’s an emotional attachment to “mum wore this to that” (as much as I sympathise your mum was maybe a bit shitty is tough it’s irrelevant) and when you say that if she gets it that it should effect the estate is (and I don’t mean this to sound as harsh as it will) is none of your business that’s for her to discuss with her mum and brothers. Her job/lifestyle have no direct impact on how the current situation should be handled

The only two shoulds in this scenario are that the MIL should do what she wants with her possessions and everyone else should respect her decision.

I think you're wrong to accept jewellery. That should be passed from mother to daughter (or grandmother to granddaughter). Art, money, property - fine.

No,it should be passed on from the giver to whomever they want to gift it. Ops Mil can give it all to charity if she wants.

Even if £50k's worth was going to you and the remaining £5k split between your brothers' wives?

Even if the answer is still yes, you'd need to take it up with your mother. It's her decision.

I think there are a lot of entitled daughters on here who are projecting.

It's not: the lady's sons are just as much blood family as is her daughter - and as in most marriages, their spouses jointly own what they do.

It's just that the sons are unlikely to want to wear the jewellery themselves and are obviously going to pass it to their wives to wear - but it's still owned by their family, and they will probably love seeing their treasured mum's jewellery being worn by another treasured woman in their life - so why not give it to the (much-loved) wives directly?

And? So what if it ‘leaves the family’? It may well ‘return’ in time anyway, if the hypothetically divorced SIL leaves it to her daughter, but even if it doesn’t, so what? Not everyone values family above all else. Some family relationships are great, others much less so. The quality of a relationship is what’s important, not the ‘blood connection’. My SIL was far better to my mother than some of her own children were, and also than other SILs who had known my mother for far longer. I find those who go on about ‘faaaaaaamily’ are very often those who do precious little to nurture relationships but expect everything because ‘faaaaaamily’.

D'oh, sorry - of course it wasn't Mrseasy who made the same point - she apparently expressed the opposite opinion!

I have a really lovely daughter-in-law and if I had a lot of jewelry I would certainly want to leave her some of it. I think it's a significant that she wants to leave you something she was wearing on the day she met you. It's very moving. I hope she will soon be finally at peace and never gets to realise what an absolute cow her daughter was.

OP, you're fine, of course your MIL wants to pass something onto her DILs and that it will one day end up with her grandchildren. And you're fine to have set up a call that a 10 year old could connect to and to have not gone over and beyond. If a 10 year old can connect to it, your SIL could connect to it. You knew she'd make a drama etc. but the pandering is going to stop now.

Oh come on, it's an admin task. Who's got the time and capacity to do it best.

Would it be ok if she'd given the jewellery to her son's?

Weird to read people say jewellery should be passed from mother to daughter! Why??

The jewellery is MILs to divvy up whatever way she sees fit. It sounds like she has two lovely DIL and she is leaving them something to remember her by. They both have a daughter so the pieces will probably pass down to her granddaughters.

The daughter is still getting 90% of the jewellery. She is not hard done by.

OP, let your DH deal with his sister. Don’t give it another thought. Continue to carry out your MILs wishes.

This is possibly the most amazing post I have ever seen on Mumsnet!
I cannot believe people are so entrenched in their views - many of which are so entitled.

I’m really surprised by the posters saying jewelry should only go to blood daughters. My mum thinks this too. I think it pains her to think of an unrelated woman walking off into the sunset with jewels that were bought for her by my dad, especially as they both would have thought long and hard before spending that money and probably went ahead knowing it would go to their DD/any GDD. I think it would be cruel to leave out her DILs, mothers of her GDCs! Maybe it’s a generational thing. My mum’s parents had nothing to leave her so this is the first generation of stuff. My dad’s family did, but not loads. Maybe it’s different if an item has been in the family for decades/centuries.

Its very simple. Mil possessions, she decides.
You dont dishonour her wishes by giving sil anything

But if you're looking at it purely from a financial pov - the same as with valuable art or property - the blunt truth is that in three generations' time, the owner will care very little (if they even know) that it once belonged to a woman whom they never met or knew.

Why is it more virtuous for a great-grandaughter to whom it (and the original owner) means virtually nothing sentimentally to eventually have it, than for a very close and much-loved DIL to have it now?