Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

The daughters should not expect the jewellery. Nobody should expect anything. It is the MIL’s property to do with as she chooses. It is in very poor taste to have expectations of an inheritance.

Are you being deliberately thick? It was the poor woman who is dying who wanted op and her other dil and her daughter to zoom together so she could tell them what she wanted them all to have and to see if anyone wanted anything that had special meaning.
Her own fucking blood relative couldn't get her act together in time to start the planned meeting even with all op prompts.
Let's hope the blood relative gets herself sorted to see her own mother, who she hasn't bothered to see in 4 years, before she passes.
Ops mil clearly knows who she can rely on at this terrible time.

If you don’t know how to join a Zoom call you Google it.

The jewellery are gifts, not inheritance.

I hope no future DIL of mine would ever be guilted in to turning down any gift I might make.

Why ever should the lady do that rather than give it to her family, just because one person who was already getting a majority share wanted all of it?

Why? If that's what MIL wanted, and OP was happy to do it, why would she not comply? Does MIL not get to decide anything any more

I think it's well cheeky to denounce a dying lady whom you don't even know as 'crass' for her decision as to how to pass on her treasures to her loved ones - wanting to be able to do it with them 'there' (albeit not in person, owing to distance) and interacting, able to listen together to her reasoning and her wishes, rather than a cold list on a piece of paper.

Just because you haven't heard of anybody choosing a family video call to do this, that doesn't mean that it's the wrong choice for somebody else to make for themselves.

Do you get shocked if people disinherit their children? Or give things to charity? It doesn't matter that she is not her mother
The MIL wants her to have these pieces. What anyone else wants or thinks should happen is completely immaterial

Who are these posters sharing this view?!

The MIL wants the OP to have it, not her useless, selfish, egotistical daughter, who hasn’t visited her once since she’s lived abroad.

Why should archaic and outdated convention dictate that the awful daughter should get it, and a dying woman cannot give a gift of a piece of jewellery to a beloved DIL?

For fuck’s sake. We’ve moved on.

I’m truly shocked at the posters who believe that the dying woman and her wishes should be ignored because they’re not ‘proper’ or how things ‘should be done’.

How backwards is this site?!

I think you shouldn’t take jewellery because it’s not your mother. Your sil should have the jewellery from her mother.

Why should sil have it all? The lady has two sons. Why can't they have some of their mother's jewellery?

Given that your MIL has given the bulk of the jewellery to SIL and that your husband and MIL are both happy to have you receive the jewellery selected for you, I think you should accept it graciously and not give it to SIL. How much jewellery does one person need, anyway? You can only wear so much at one time, and she's getting the pieces that her mother wants her to have.

As for 'tradition', if MIL wants to give special pieces to people other than her daughter, surely that's far more important than anything else.

My lovely MIL asks occasionally when she needs help with something - whether it's DIY, tech/computing, gardening, lifts to GP appointments or whatever.

She asks the person who is most knowledgeable/capable about whatever the need is, is available and in the best position to help - regardless of whether they are her blood children or married to them.

She's wise to do so: if she asked anybody but the 'most appropriate' person for help with a particular task, they would most likely tell her that X would be better placed/more knowledgeable about it anyway.

But she's an intelligent woman who is perfectly capable of approaching the best person for the job at the outset.

Why? There’s no convention about this. Ultimately the jewellery at this point belongs to the MIL and she can give it to whomever she wants. Clearly, she values the relationships she has with her DILs and wants to give them something to recognise that and remember her by. Her possessions, her decision.

Funnily enough, the entitled SIL doesn’t appear to think that she as the daughter should be doing the heavy lifting in terms of caring for her dying mother, but nonetheless thinks she should have all the benefit. Tale as old as time.

Someone needs to tell MIL that there is confusion over who gets what and ask her to put it in writing which is actually the lawful way to do it anyway.

If you can post on Mumsnet, you have all the knowledge you need to make a Zoom call. All you do is click on a link. A woman in her 40s with basic literacy and household members who are good with computers has absolutely no excuse for not being able to join a Zoom call on time.

My own MIL specifically left me some jewellery. It was for me, to me from her. We got on fantastically well and she knew I love a diamond. Her own children divided the rest and over my dead body would I not keep her last gift to me.

You didn't set her up to fail and it's up to your MIL to determine who gets what.

I received jewellery from my in laws for my wedding and I love wearing it. It's meaningful and makes me feel truly a part of their family. My placeholder engagement ring was also one of my MILs rings but is cubic zirconia rather than a diamond so not worth much, but I love that she wanted me to have it.

“Unfinished”. What a good way of describing her. There’s potential that was there but after a few mid range magazine covers and catalogues in the 2000s and a few years living in London (with friends who managed everything) she married well and just sort of gave up learning or doing new things. I’m fairly certain she sees her helplessness as somehow ditzy and endearing. God help her if the wheels ever come off.

There's no confusion; just one ungrateful person who isn't happy with the lion's share and wants every last item for herself, rather than her brothers or their wives getting any of it.

And it's perfectly legal and lawful, if you own something, to verbally tell another person that you wish to give it to them.

Sadly, the lady doesn't have long left to live; but she is still a living person choosing now to give her possessions to her loved ones. It isn't a will designed to distribute her possessions after her death.

It sounds like MIL has thought very carefully about how she wishes to distribute her possessions, and you owe it to her to respect her wishes, and ensure that she has the peace of mind which comes from trusting that her plans will be followed.

SIL has no right to be furious. I actually think it’s really disrespectful of her to be late for the call. She was given multiple opportunities and instructions about setting up the required technology, but it wasn’t important enough to her to plan ahead and check that she could complete a call with her dying mother.

Sorry, jewellery should be passed on through the female blood line, from mother to daughter.

Why?

I agree: she had ample warning as to how to learn/practise or ask a family member to help her - but she simply chose not to bother doing so.

She so clearly demonstrated such a basic lack of respect or care for her own Mother - when it was obviously a very important and significant occasion for her, towards the closure of her life; and then she had the temerity to complain that the vast majority of the jewellery wasn't enough and she should have all of it.

Who on earth does she think she is?

I don't have a daughter so who's getting my jewellery?

WOW! And are you still of the opinion that the house and land should be passed onto the eldest son??