Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

Op youve done nothing wrong. Only carried out the wishes of your mil. She's divided her estate as she wants. Your sil is a selfish cf.

I didn't miss it, it just doesn't matter as OP is not her sil's carer and sil was given plenty of help definitely received the messages and could really easily have asked her son or husband to help her since that's exactly what she did when she realised nobody else was going to do it for her. It just shows that the OP is a considerate person second guessing herself but her deep down motives don't matter at all because she handled it perfectly reasonably and fairly and it would have been unfair to the OP to try to coddle her sil or offer more assistance - she got plenty.

I purposefully avoided mentioning the jewellery, as I don't disagree with the OP's actions or the outcome.

My point was that the OP referred to her SiL as a 'useless woman' - citing examples of this as being "doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM" and then went on to describe her as "just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself."

The OP might not be U in this event, but there can be all kinds of reasons for presenting like the SiL, that may or may not be relevant here. Who knows?

As an aside, I don't think I've met anyone in my life so far who I could confidently label 'a useless woman.'

Well it's the OP saying she knew the SIL wouldn't be able to work it out, not me, so I am taking her at her word. If I knew someone would be struggling to do something I had set up, I certainly would have at least made a call to see what was going on and if I could help, not left it to a 10 year old. Certainly not for such an important matter. And the rather more important point is the OP admitting she would not have been given the jewellery she asked for (as opposed to it being already earmarked for her by MIL in advance of the call) had the SIL been on the call from the start.

I wouldn't have helped her any more than Op already did, it would have become a burden to the op at that point. She followed her mil's wants and op was just guessing at her deep down motives for not doing even more to help the sil - she did plenty, so it doesn't matter what her motives are.

Thank you for this.
You're envious of her good looks, OP, and envy can blind people to alot of things.
You've had pages of people here say, go team OP, you put that daughter in her place! But this is her mum we're talking about, her mum is dying and there will be alot more to their relationship than what you've been privy to. You can't possibly know all the reasons why your sister in law hasn't visited her mother in the last four years.
I'd be careful of taking the reigns and playing a sort of golden child role in the family dynamics.
As @MyElatedUmberFinch put it, "i think you should stay out of things and leave it to the three siblings to arrange and sort out."

I have met people I think are useless at a lot of things, though I doubt I'd call them useless as such, but perhaps OP is just fed up with it after years of it. I get that there might be another side to the sil that the OP doesn't see but it doesn't actually matter to the outcome as Op did nothing wrong and isn't her sil's support person or carer or PA.

You’re quite clear they do have sentimental value. Wear them, treasure them and her memory and tell sil all she had to do was join a fucking video call so she can’t really care that much. Not enough to visit, not enough to practice a video call, not enough to plan a funeral, just enough to call you and tell you off. I’d feel the same way as you, but I also have a sip a little like that!!

So you think OP should have ignored her Mil's wants and Mil's request to the OP to set up the call? And as sil hasn't visited her mother in four years I suspect leaving anything to her would be rather difficult.

This.

No, ignoring her MiL's request would be strange.
I think, given that OP knew from the start her SiL would have trouble accessing the group call, she should have explained this to her MiL and suggested MiL ask her children to organise the call between them, making sure that SiL could be involved.

Didn't you say OP should stay out of it and leave it to the three siblings? So you don't think op should have stayed out of it - you think she should instead have refused her mil's request and suggested that her mil instead get the siblings to organise it, and suggest to her mil that her daughter the sil should be involved.

All so that the sil doesn't have to manage on her own to make a call that an 80 year old managed which was clearly and repeatedly explained to her.

As OP is family and the dying woman requested her to organise the call, she did the right thing.

Not everyone does this. My grandmas things were all documented and all the women chose one thing at a time, daughters first then daughters in law then granddaughters.
my dads mum on the other hand - it all went to her daughter and her daughter’s daughters. I’m a granddaughter through one of her sons who’d have loved something of my grandma and I promised myself to be more like my mums family.

Yeah, there's no specific way that dying mothers give away their jewellery and belongings - they just give whatever they want to whoever they want, it's not some agreed upon behaviour that mil is going against the grain on. Sil is totally out of order and sounds greedy and a really CF.

Either that or we have just done the Time Warp again

She should do what her mil wanted her to do,

I’ve not read all the posts so i apologise if this has been posted.

Does your MIL have a will? If she doesn’t she will die intestate and the intestacy rules will apply. This could be complicated by her living abroad. She clearly has wishes and could potentially make a will made at this stage of her life if she has capacity. This zoom call and any verbal agreement won’t make much, if any, difference as the legal standing will be the will or intestacy. If your mil does not have a valid up to date will then her family will be left to deal with a messy complicated situation after she dies at an already difficult time. It can cause all kinds of upset and trouble. She could gift those pieces of jewellery to her Dil in her will and then legally the executors would be liable to disperse her estate in line with her wishes once probate is granted. A will can be challenged but it is a very costly business. Unfortunately dying and inheritance can really bring out the worse in people. She would be well advised to take legal advice. A solicitor can come out to her.

Depends how close you are to your daughter. My daughter is growing up looking through my jewellery box, trying things on, discussing when my DH or mother bought them for me and which occasion to mark. It would be utterly bizarre to me to leave these things to anyone except my daughter, I am very close to my daughter and that would be upsetting to her.

My DH will buy me a specific piece of jewellery to mark the birth of any granddaughters, ideally with the gem linked to their birth month, which will then be added to my will with each piece and granddaughter named.

The OP’s MIL is free to leave what
she wants to who. She is not free to dictate that her DD not be hurt about her decision though. Jewellery can be a very touchy subject.

Although OP hasn’t given details about a will, she did say her MIL is a very capable, organised woman who likes to plan things. I’d be amazed if a will hasn’t been written!

That is good news. I read it that they were sorting out inheritance as nothing had been left in writing. My mistake.

for what it’s worth I do think this piece of jewellery should go to the op as it’s the lady’s wish but can understand the daughters upset as jewellery can have symbolic meaning

So you don't think that OP's MIL has the capacity to decide for herself who receives her jewellry after her death? That even though she has left the vast majority to her daughter and just one piece each to each of her DILs, her very clear wishes should be ignored to benefit OP's SIL who hardly bothers with her mother at all?

OP has a great relationship with her MIL and provides her with a lot more support than her own daughter does, so she has every right to keep the necklace that her (in sound mind) MIL has bequeathed to her.

The thing is, though, that what she says could mean two distinct possibilities:

1. If the sister had bothered/managed to join the call, the MIL would likely have chosen to give her extra jewellery based on being able to see her on the screen and giving her a prompt to remember her; OR

1. If the sister had been on the call, she would have kicked off and demanded that her mother give her all of the jewellery,rather than redirecting a small portion to her DILs, as she'd planned.

If the first one had been the case, why did she still 'remember' to give her the vast majority of the jewellery, in spite of er absence? The mother/MIL comes across as a very wise, sensible person, rather than forgetful and prone to sudden arbitrary flights of fancy.

To be honest, I'm really starting to think that the second scenario was much closer to what would have happened - and this may have been why she deliberately asked OP to set up a video call, knowing that her own DD would then self-exclude and thus be prevented from trying to browbeat her into changing her intentions re the modest gifts to her DILs and demanding every last scrap of jewellery for herself.

Says who? Is that the law? That women aren't allowed to leave their jewellery to who they want, but must follow some unwritten rules probably from the Victorian age?

Exactly this.

People say this on every inheritance thread but it bears repeating.

You have no inheritance and you are entitled to nothing at all until someone actually dies and leaves you something in their will.

The jewellery belongs to the OP's mother in law and her SIL actually has no entitlement to it whatsoever.

Now if the MIL had died intestate and everyone was scrapping over her estate, you could argue that she would probably have wanted her own daughter to have all her jewellery.

But the MIL is still alive, still has mental capacity, and is giving clear instructions about who she wants to leave her jewellery to. If she is leaving most of her jewellery to her daughter but she has identified a few specific pieces for the OP, that is because she wants to leave those things to the OP and she is entitled to do so because it is her property and not her daughter's. Her wishes should be respected.

Can't believe so many people think the OP should just override her MIL's express wishes when she's still alive just because they don't think it's appropriate for a woman to leave her jewellery to anyone other than her daughter if she has one. It's so infantilising of the MIL.

But the useless SIL only has sons wheras OP has a daughter. Therefore, there is more chance of the jewellery being kept 'in the family', if OP receives it and leaves it to her own daughter in her will.