Soon to be ex Husband moving on after 2 months, whilst I’m pregnant with his baby

[Legallymum]

Hi all,
Wondering if any of you can give me your two pence on this situation and whether I’m just over emotional (pregnancy) or not.
I posted here back end of last year/beginning of this year regarding my husband (we’ve been together for 9 years) and his selfish ways, putting his hobbies first, not doing anything around the house and his laziness with our now 2 year old daughter, as well as his temper.

Well, 2-3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I was nearly 7 weeks at this point. Things weren’t good between myself and my husband and we were having counselling. I really didn’t believe that keeping the baby was a good idea. My mental health was getting worse, my husband was not coping with our daughter and the thought of bringing another one into this house made me feel sick. My husband then told me he would not be able to give up his “life” (by which he was referring to his hobbies) for me to train and progress as a solicitor, after I’d had this baby. For context, he completed his part time degree whilst working full time in the period I had my daughter and by the time she was 1. I have always wanted to be a solicitor, and this was a discussion we had had before our first. I discussed an abortion with my husband and he told me if I were to do that, we would have to separate. As he cannot cope with that.
I had it booked for a week later and agreed we would separate. I had to put my mental health first, so I could look after our daughter.

After less than a week of moving out (he kicked me out and told me I couldn’t stay if I were to get rid of the baby), I realised my mental health was improving. I realised it wasn’t the baby making me anxious, it was the situation and knowledge that in this relationship I would not be able to cope with a newborn, my daughter and basically a second child.

So I agreed to keep the baby but told my husband that things weren’t working and unless he managed to change his ways and prioritise us, I would be leaving. He didn’t change his ways; the house became disgusting, every time I visited to drop off our daughter or look after the dogs. My daughter’s clothes weren’t being washed regularly enough, so they were mouldy. The house smelled. But he continued to do his hobbies and focus on him.

Anyway, in this time he has been coming to my scans, we’ve discussed him being there during my labour and birth, and spending the first 2 weeks together following the birth so he can be with his baby.

Up until 3 weeks ago, he was also constantly making comments that we’d be better off together and to rethink getting divorce.
A divorce had not been filed at this stage and we were waiting until after the baby. I think maybe I hoped he would see reason and sort his life out.

On Saturday we decided to celebrate our daughter’s 2nd birthday together by going to a farm. He wanted me to take photos of her whilst she was feeding the lambs. I didn’t have my phone - it was in the pram parked at the back of the queue.

I asked him if I could just use his to take photos. He hesitated and then stuttered and said he didn’t see why not. He made sure to get the camera up for me. He clearly accidentally unlocked the phone and at the bottom left was a nude of him, he had clearly recently taken.

When I asked if i was seeing things correctly, he went red and told me to mind my business.

Obviously i was upset. I moved out in June. Having had further conversations with him, he states he has done nothing wrong. He is chatting with a girl and intends to meet up with her for “just sex”.

Turns out my daughter, who hasn’t been very well the last week, was in the room next door, whilst he’s doing taking and exchanging photos and masturbating to them. Now; if it wasn’t for the fact that that night he was messaging me every 20 mins or so to say she was upset and clearly not well, I wouldn’t have minded.

But whilst she is upset, he is next door, distracted.

I think I’m in a bit of shock, he told me a few weeks back that I wasn’t to shag anyone whilst pregnant with his child (I’m now 5 months). Never in a million years did I think he’d be looking to do the same so early on.
I just want to know if anyone else thinks it’s wrong and very quick.

He says “single is single” and he can do what he wants. But I just think he’s showing no respect for the fact I’m carrying his baby and looking after his child, while he sees her every other weekend.
I have gone absolutely mad and he has said he is “shaken” by my response; saying he didn’t realise he was losing a friend too.

Your children are very lucky to have you.

Okay thanks so much for this. That makes me feel better.
He has said I am unreasonable and unfair to now allow him to have baby overnight before they’re 1. His response was “good luck to you. I can see this is becoming nasty already”. Which I took as him stating he will take me to court.

I told him he could come and visit baby for a few hours at a time. But not overnight. Our little girl didn’t want to be away from me for the first 12 months, and she lived with him. Why would our next, who will not live with him, be any different?

He’s not going to change. It’s over. Clean break and divorce. He can visit the kids at yours and will only get the oldest one overnight when he sorts the house out.

I got divorced from my abusive husband when I was pregnant with my second. The relief was was huge, I managed fine and no longer had to walk on eggshells or wait for him to be the husband and father we deserved.

Thank you. I appreciate that. I intend to do exactly that. It’s going to be a fight with the baby , I’m sure. But I’ll be advocating for them
the whole way!

i felt such a relief and so much better about everything the past few weeks but him sexting and trying to meet up with random women just set me back a bit. It was a shock and I didn’t expect him to just not care enough to try make it work and move on so fast.

If he can’t afford the mortgage without your contribution think carefully about stopping or claiming cms at this point/ it could mean he defaults and worse outcome house gets repossessed, or he builds up debts to pay it. That will impact you financially

you need to follow the process of divorce and settlement

you need to agree immediate monies and who pays what then longer term

Thank you.

i intend to continue paying my contribution towards the mortgage/bills. But will be getting a separate account, making a standing order to pay that, and requesting the CMS monthly from now on.
He's on just shy of £80k a year, whilst I’m on £21,200. I think he’ll be fine.
He spends £100 a month on one of his hobbies, £50 a month on his other hobby, and more on things like physiotherapy etc. (which is needed due to one of his hobbies).
I’ll get him to complete a financial statement for CMS if needs be. I’m sure he can cut out one of those and have enough money.
My friend who is a family solicitor has said she will help me draft a consent order and get it legally binding etc. I’ll be doing things properly, but I’ll be making sure I get what I’m owed.

Can you get an occupation order and move back into the family home, and get him out? Definitely see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. He sounds truly awful

Remember, he can say what he likes - it doesn’t make it true.

Wow. Do as I say, not as I do, eh. What a horrible, self-centred man. You’re more than well rid of him, OP.

@Legallymum I believe you did the absolutely right thing by moving out. Being with your supportive parents has given you the head space to move forward with your life.

Sorry, but I don't believe he was ever interested in supporting you having a 2nd child but was using this as a form of control to keep you bound to him because your description of him doesn't ring true with being loving and caring. Now that you have scuppered his plans to keep you tied to him he is, of course, going to get nasty.

I applaud you for doing what you did and you seem to know what you need to do now. The house sale will eventually have to happen (he is still controlling this by his actions) be it probably by forcing it but so glad you have good friends and family on your side to help.

@Legallymum
I don’t think I would believe him when he said he has been to the GP about his suicidal thoughts - most men don’t “bother” with GPs, especially not someone as lazy as your ex. Just be careful as he could deny it and accuse you of making things up / being mentally unstable (yes, he will get nasty during the divorce, sorry) Sorry you’ve been let down so badly by him.

You mention that you stayed with him because you thought no one else would ever want you - do you know why that is? Was it because of the way he treated you / things he said to you? Or self esteem issues? Just something for you to consider in the future, so you don’t end up “settling” for another dickhead.

I too wish you a very happy life with your career and children 💐

@Legallymum pretty sure they wouldnt allow him overnights if he is suicidal which he has already reported to the doctor. if he comes back and says this isnt true then he is making himself out to be a liar so nothing he says will be plausible!

Thank you. I’m 99% sure he told the GP because they gave him leaflets and contact numbers after his appointment. Thankfully he also sees a psychiatrist and has told them all. So I’m sure that can be relied on if it’s absolutely necessary.

he can argue I’m unstable all he likes - not sure how far he’ll get though. I’ve got messages from him and stuff. So I’ve got it from somewhere!

I think no guys were interested in me in college and secondary school so I just assumed I was ugly etc. So when he showed interest (met via tinder), I was over the moon: and fancied him too.
I also didn’t think I’d find anyone else - I think that’s the case even more now with two children! I’ve been told, by my husband and others, that most men don’t want women with kids! But hey, if I’m happy on my own, I’d rather that.

definitely something I will be wary of for future.

Thanks so much xx

He can say what he wants—he will say what he wants—but he doesn’t mean, or not mean, any of it. Words are just sticks to beat you with. The children are just sticks to beat you with. Contact with the children is just a head fake. He no more cares to see them or care for them than he does the man in the moon. He sees threatening them as a way to exert power over you.

The right way to deal with a man life this is to get him out if your life as fast as possible. Every time you see him ask for money for the children. Every. Time.

Ignore “the rules” or CMS or what Edna got from his mate Robert and just say “children are expensive and I need 100 pounds by Thursday.” In short order he will refuse all contact. Which will be safer for you and the children after the divorce.

He is going to make your life, and your children’s lives, a living hell if you don’t discourage him sharply by making you and the children a costly mistake. Every time he sees your number or email come up he should think: “holy shit that bitch is going to make the next ten minute of my life a living nightmare with her insatiable demands for money.”

This is the only thing that really moves a man like this: he is lazy and unmotivated by anything but sex and money. And he wants free sex and free money without the liability of children and the costs associated with children and family.

So raise the costs of doing business with you, make each and every contact an unpleasant and businesslike one. Then contact goes from being a pleasurable moment when he can abuse and control you to an unpleasant moment when he is abused and controlled by you.

I realize its not your thing: its not the relationship you want to have with your husband and the father of your children, but its the relationship that will give you the most security going forward. He should literally be afraid of picking up the phone to talk to you. It should be an unpleasant experience.

Instead of responding to his insults and tasks and whining (you slut, you need to take care of my dogs, I feel sad etc…) begin every phone call with “listen you limp dicked piece of shit where is my money?” He will get off the phone so fast he won’t have time to start running his abusive mind games.

He spends £100 a month on one of his hobbies, £50 a month on his other hobby, and more on things like physiotherapy etc. ... I’m sure he can cut out one of those and have enough money.

But will he?

I’ll get him to complete a financial statement for CMS if needs be.

And can he be trusted to complete it fully and honestly?

Love this response bahahahahah

Haha this is so true. He probably won’t, you’re right.

in my line of work we get people to complete the income and expenditure forms and honestly I just think… they could LIE. But also; a court hearing (albeit expensive) can easily rectify that as they’ll ask for evidence of all financials!

One I need to be wary of for sure.

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t get what you deserve / and if you can’t agree a court will determine what that share of assets is.

im just saying that in the interim you claim cns he might start not paying other things ( like his share of the mortgage) and as its joint and several you’d be expected to pay for it.

he may not do this of course, but follow the divorce process, work out a fair financial split, agree child arrangements and concentrate done and house sold or whatever apply for cms. Or sit down and agree things such as you reduce your contribution to the mortgage now etc

Whilst I do appreciate this, and you are right, the share of the mortgage he will be paying is less than he would pay if he rented somewhere or got a property on his own. So he’ll have to cope. At the moment, mu mum and dad are paying for everything for us and at this stage; I’m quite frankly sick of it. Why should they do that? Whilst he spaffs money elsewhere! The divorce takes 6 months and I’ll have been out of the house for 8 months c with a newborn and toddler as this stage. He’s going to have to start paying his way. And for all I know (as he withdraws money from the joint account to his account) he could be saving up and adding to his savings whilst I’m not making any savings!

He also told me he will only discuss financials once the house is sold and we are divorced. So he isn’t being cooperative now at all. He’s making no effort to sell the house, so I’m not waiting for him to sit on his arse foe another 6 months whilst I continue to pay for him to live here and not get the CMS I’m entitled to. I certainly don’t see the amount CMS say I’m entitled to for sure!

What an awful man.

If it was me, I'd take photos of the state of the house, pay for a deep clean. More photos. He'll never keep it clean, but you can show a court that the house was in a sellable state when you left.

Also, you have the opportunity to get historical bank statemfrom the joint account. Do that now before you lose access. Any chance his earnings are paid in to that account? If not, it's not easy to get financial info with everything online, but hmrc will surely see his earnings, now I think about it.

Obvs you already have a tie to him with one child so a second child wouldn't change that situation much, but be completely sure that you want this baby while there's still time to abort (even if it would be a traumatic experience).

My final thought - you'll definitely be able to find a lovely, caring man when you are a single mum. Don't let him convince you it him or loneliness. Best wishes fir your amazing future without the cocklodger.

He is not divorced yet
But really this is a technicality. You relationship is over, dead and it's a million bricks. I am sorry OP. Better earlier then later. That is the only positive.

Thanks for this.
I have considered getting a cleaner to do a deep clean but at the same time feel like it’s a complete waste of money! We still have a joint account and his expenses and income get paid into that account, so I’ll be sure to keep a few of the statements!!

I am 21 weeks pregnant, I can’t abort the baby. Plus, I couldn’t do it at 9 weeks when it was hooked in, I could never do it now, now that i feel them all the time!

thank you x

Thanks for this. I do find responses like this really frustrating, as our relationship wasn’t completely over, he could have tried to make amends and to change for the better. He told me over and over how we’d be better together, etc etc. He continued to want to do things as a family and would use every opportunity to remind me that this is what it would be like if we stayed together. He certainly wasn’t showing that our marriage was over.
so yes, separated, technically therefore free to do as we wish. But he didn’t even TRY to make things better, instead he is trying to get a cheap shag! We’ve been separated for 2 months, divorce has not even been filed or even really discussed. We were waiting until after the baby.

he was certainly not giving the impression that it was over for him and he was moving on, or that he would not be making any attempts to sort it out. After all; the courts REQUIRE a 20 week cooling down period following a file of divorce. He lasted 8. Not really sure shagging about and getting to know other people would be in the courts definition of a cooling down period.

Hence my anger, frustration and disgust at the man’s complete inability to fight for his family, his wife, children and family home. Instead he moped about, avoiding selling the house in the hopes I would magically decide I could now somehow put up with his lazy selfish ways. And when he clearly hasn’t had any inference from me that I will be coming back, he has decided he is moving on. He never once lifted a finger whilst I was gone, he just complained and made me feel guilty, while allowing my daughters clothes and bedding to rot, leaving the house to become a dump, dirty and smelly. And continuing his hobbies as though nothing had changed.

So technically, he did nothing wrong. By the definitions of a marriage, he did everything wrong. He didn’t even try and fight for it. He sat and felt sorry for himself and has now decided he’ll go shag about to make himself feel better.

i can’t imagine many courts or judges, or reasonable people would expect me to forgive him for that and continue the marriage.

My family live an hour away. I have no one else nearby. Plus, he kicked me out. His family live 5+ hours away, and he’d have nowhere to go in order to continue working. He’d have to rent, and whilst still paying the mortgage, it isn’t affordable. So made the most sense. My friend is a divorce solicitor and sees no issues with me doing so.

Is your friend junior or very experienced? Of course you can move out and retain your legal interest in the marital home, but as the more vulnerable party financially, it may hamper your negotiating position for the financial settlement. I imagine it may also be more difficult to get a court order for you and the DC to return if you’ve sorted your and DC’s housing out in the meantime. If you intend to argue that he’s kicked you out, I would get evidence of him forcing you to leave (just in case). Things may look rather different by the time the divorce eventually trundles before the court. (IAAL).

Good luck - he sounds like a weapons grade arsehole.