Soon to be ex Husband moving on after 2 months, whilst I’m pregnant with his baby

[Legallymum]

Hi all,
Wondering if any of you can give me your two pence on this situation and whether I’m just over emotional (pregnancy) or not.
I posted here back end of last year/beginning of this year regarding my husband (we’ve been together for 9 years) and his selfish ways, putting his hobbies first, not doing anything around the house and his laziness with our now 2 year old daughter, as well as his temper.

Well, 2-3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I was nearly 7 weeks at this point. Things weren’t good between myself and my husband and we were having counselling. I really didn’t believe that keeping the baby was a good idea. My mental health was getting worse, my husband was not coping with our daughter and the thought of bringing another one into this house made me feel sick. My husband then told me he would not be able to give up his “life” (by which he was referring to his hobbies) for me to train and progress as a solicitor, after I’d had this baby. For context, he completed his part time degree whilst working full time in the period I had my daughter and by the time she was 1. I have always wanted to be a solicitor, and this was a discussion we had had before our first. I discussed an abortion with my husband and he told me if I were to do that, we would have to separate. As he cannot cope with that.
I had it booked for a week later and agreed we would separate. I had to put my mental health first, so I could look after our daughter.

After less than a week of moving out (he kicked me out and told me I couldn’t stay if I were to get rid of the baby), I realised my mental health was improving. I realised it wasn’t the baby making me anxious, it was the situation and knowledge that in this relationship I would not be able to cope with a newborn, my daughter and basically a second child.

So I agreed to keep the baby but told my husband that things weren’t working and unless he managed to change his ways and prioritise us, I would be leaving. He didn’t change his ways; the house became disgusting, every time I visited to drop off our daughter or look after the dogs. My daughter’s clothes weren’t being washed regularly enough, so they were mouldy. The house smelled. But he continued to do his hobbies and focus on him.

Anyway, in this time he has been coming to my scans, we’ve discussed him being there during my labour and birth, and spending the first 2 weeks together following the birth so he can be with his baby.

Up until 3 weeks ago, he was also constantly making comments that we’d be better off together and to rethink getting divorce.
A divorce had not been filed at this stage and we were waiting until after the baby. I think maybe I hoped he would see reason and sort his life out.

On Saturday we decided to celebrate our daughter’s 2nd birthday together by going to a farm. He wanted me to take photos of her whilst she was feeding the lambs. I didn’t have my phone - it was in the pram parked at the back of the queue.

I asked him if I could just use his to take photos. He hesitated and then stuttered and said he didn’t see why not. He made sure to get the camera up for me. He clearly accidentally unlocked the phone and at the bottom left was a nude of him, he had clearly recently taken.

When I asked if i was seeing things correctly, he went red and told me to mind my business.

Obviously i was upset. I moved out in June. Having had further conversations with him, he states he has done nothing wrong. He is chatting with a girl and intends to meet up with her for “just sex”.

Turns out my daughter, who hasn’t been very well the last week, was in the room next door, whilst he’s doing taking and exchanging photos and masturbating to them. Now; if it wasn’t for the fact that that night he was messaging me every 20 mins or so to say she was upset and clearly not well, I wouldn’t have minded.

But whilst she is upset, he is next door, distracted.

I think I’m in a bit of shock, he told me a few weeks back that I wasn’t to shag anyone whilst pregnant with his child (I’m now 5 months). Never in a million years did I think he’d be looking to do the same so early on.
I just want to know if anyone else thinks it’s wrong and very quick.

He says “single is single” and he can do what he wants. But I just think he’s showing no respect for the fact I’m carrying his baby and looking after his child, while he sees her every other weekend.
I have gone absolutely mad and he has said he is “shaken” by my response; saying he didn’t realise he was losing a friend too.

It was a complete accident. When I found out, I was gutted. Hence I had an abortion booked in. But it was too late at that point, I didn’t feel I could get rid of them and would regret it if I did.

im in two minds now, at 20 weeks. I’ll love them the same as I do my daughter, it’s just more ways I won’t get him out of my life!

Silly mistake and one I will kick myself for for the rest of my life I am sure. Use protection, and if not, avoid him. Sad thing is, we only had sex once that month (again, he showed no interest otherwise!) and that happened to be the unlucky day.

I think maybe you have been putting up with so much from him for such a long time in the hope of keeping your family together - you have become conditioned to accept unacceptable behaviour and the bar for what is ok behaviour keeps on moving in the wrong direction.
you deserve happiness, love and to be cherished. You are also the role model for your daughter / children of what is ok to accept in a relationship.
you are young - please give yourself some space to reconnect fully with your intuition and put boundaries in place in your life that other people need to respect

You seem to have very dysfunctional priorities here.

As you are separated you can both see who you want and you shouldn't be thinking about what he does. But he is clearly awful and you need rid of him fast.

I agree with the others on here questioning you moving out. Not due to some entitlement of who lives where but if he is letting the house deteriorate and not making progress to sell then it will delay getting things sorted. You would be better living there to keep the house in a good state and get it sold so you can fully separate.

The priority neds to be getting the divorce sorted and getting on with life.

Whilst I do appreciate where you’re coming from, I think the point is; we’ve been separated for 2 months. Whilst he still continues to act like happy families as if nothing else is going on, acting as though he doesn’t want anyone else and wants me back. I’ve obviously been stupidly hoping he would change his ways. Plus, whilst I agree, we’re separated so we should be able to do as we please, I am also pregnant with his child and primarily looking after our child. It’s not like it’s your standard, break up, move on. Done. I can’t move on yet, I’m pregnant with his child, whilst he still requests to come to all appointments, the birth etc. and wants to live with me the first few weeks after baby is born. You don’t get to do all of that, and then look to shag about. He should surely be making the effort to win us back and save his family. Instead he’s putting his efforts into some other woman.

with regards to the house, it isn’t practical be being here. My mum is childcare and she lives an hour away. My little one is at nursery 2 days a week. Also. My husband said if I were to stay at the house I’d have to keep the dogs here. So that’s two dogs to walk, a toddler to look after, whilst pregnant and working 4 days a week. Also commuting to my mums and back to get my daughter (which was only ever me doing it when I was with my husband!).

I have filed for divorce, now have to wait 20 weeks. We cannot get property on market until both of us are present. He is on holiday currently! (Alright for some)

If I was living here, the hous would be on the market weeks if not months ago. But he kept delaying it in the hopes we would get back together. Again; hence I am so shocked by his sudden sexting another woman. He always knows what to say; but his actions prove otherwise.

Obviously I do get where you’re coming from, as technically he hasn’t done anything wrong. But from a respect and moral perspective, he has done so many wrong, including sexting this girl, flirting with me still!! (I never flirted back - it wasn’t natural anymore!) smacking my bum, etc etc. all whilst saying we’d be better off together and how he’s a great husband and I should stay. He’s manipulative and massively fucked with my head. He says he is vulnerable, except he’s put me in a more vulnerable state.

@Legallymum I’m pregnant with his child, whilst he still requests to come to all appointments, the birth etc. and wants to live with me the first few weeks after baby is born. just because you are still legally married, it does NOT give him the rights to come to appointments, scans or even birth of your baby!! certainly does not give him the right to live with you for the first few weeks after baby is born either!! get with the programme of rights!

I saw something yesterday that said “men marry what they see now and women marry the potential they see”. This is why so many men are threatened by females growing and developing careers and changing and women are utterly frustrated that the fuckwit didn’t magically become a responsible adult when they became fathers.

I haven’t RTFT but as you’re married he has equal parental rights by default and if you don’t put him on the birth certificate he can get a court action to be added to it.

He’s absolutely entitled to be in the house he co-owns with his wife legally any time he wants, unless a restraining order says otherwise.

Appts and scans etc, absolutely agree.

@UndersoldMyself she is currently staying with her mother though

Yeah, this makes sense.

I have no intentions of not putting him on the birth certificate. The child is as much his. It’s the care of the child I’m concerned about.

He is living in the house 😆😆 he kicked ME and my daughter out.
Im not trying to stop him living there. But as a mum with children, I have more of a right to stay there than he has. But he happily kicked me out. Because I wanted an abortion.

This thing about men marry what they see, women marry the potential they see: sorry but we all have to grow up and become an adult when we have children. He WANTED our daughter and said we should start trying. I’ve had to grow up and sacrifice things. I see no reason why he is incapable of such things too. He’s 30 for fuck sake.

In the narrow technical sense he isn't doing anything 'wrong', but maybe just maybe given he's just left a very long relationship due to his own shittyness, has a baby due soon & a young daughter trying to adjust to his separation from her mother, he could kind of focus on that rather than chasing cheap fucks? He is basically trash.

Absolutely. I was initially letting him because he was treating me with respect and respecting me, our marriage etc.
And I hoped that if I could be as amicable and cooperative as possible, he would make the effort to prove his worth and show me why we should stay together.

instead he’s trying to get in other peoples beds. He will not be coming to anything moving forward, and he can come visit the baby whilst I’m there. I’ve always stated this before he sexted and whatever. the baby needs mum and I’ll be the primary carer. And seeing as he’s told me what he’d do when he gets suicidal, including leaving the toddler/baby in the bed and leaving, then calling the police, I don’t want him looking after the baby so young, alone. It’s concerning enough with my daughter.

Exactly!!! He could maybe put that same effort into making it work for us as a family and proving he is capable of doing so. But instead, he’s not.

Like UsernameMcUsername says, technically he isn’t doing anything wrong. Technically. But would most decent humans behave the way he is doing? Treat their pregnant wife with such little respect or consideration for the position HE has put her in. Whilst making 0 effort to win her back, to show himself worthy.

thanks for your comment. I really struggle when I see others don’t seem to get it or understand how it could be wrong other than just in the sense of a technicality!

He kicked you and your daughter out! When you were pregnant! How is that “playing happy families”? He has shown you that he is a vacant piece of shit for years. from now on whatever he asks or tells you just say No. He doesn’t give a fig for you, or your children. He is completely amoral. You owe him nothing.

I was naive. He told me he was so depressed and “in crisis” after he kicked me out. He stil planned things with me like attending all scans; taking our daughter to farms/days out etc. spending her birthday together etc etc. and by stating he wanted to be there to support after the birth, spending Xmas me him and our daughter. I was stipid enough to see past the fact he kicked me out whilst pregnant and making the toughest decision of my life (stay with husband or have an abortion - which was difficult enough because the thought of having an abortion itself was killing me).
He is amoral. He doesn’t care, he pretends he does, but his actions show otherwise.

If he’s on holiday I’d move back in the home with your dd. He can find another place to live when he returns.

He had no right to kick you out. Start getting angry!

Oh, I’m not making excuses for him. Not at all.

But this comes up so often on threads by hundreds/thousands of women who are disappointed when the fun, carefree man doesn’t become responsible parent. That they don’t automatically pick up 50% if domestic responsibilities and behave like children for as long as possible while the female effectively becomes their mother.

You sound like you have tenacity and gumption and a good network though, so use that strength to work out what works for you in this new life. He can choose to fall in line or not - point is, you can’t change him, the decisions he makes or how he behaves. But you can change your response to him.

So agree nothing that doesn’t work for you. Make it clear that if you have concerns about the care he gives either child whilst in his care you will advocate for them. That he has responsibilities to them financially and emotionally and it’s in his best interests to keep you on side. Expect him to do nothing “for you” but advocate for your children’s safety and security.

Whilst I’d love to do this, my support network and childcare are an hour away, so it wouldn’t make sense. Plus he won’t take any responsibility for the dogs and I’ll be left caring for our daughter, the dogs, juggling travelling a 2.5 hr return journey 4 times a week for childcare, etc.
If he doesn’t get it on the market soon, I’ll be getting legal advice about him buying me out ASAP.

No court would order him solo contact with a new baby (especially if breastfed).

If he has said he is suicidal in writing then that may become relevant should you need to discuss child contact in court.

Ah I get you. This makes complete sense.
I just really struggle to understand men. The thing I find hardest is that his best mates are the opposite to him. Proper family men, do 50%+ round the house whilst wives work and juggle childcare etc.
and yet he thinks he cannot do any more, he just doesn’t have the time and doesn’t see why he should sacrifice his hobbies to ensure we have clean clothes and a clean house. But he also doesn’t care whether he lives in squalor so that’s probably why.

Agreed. Everything I do moving forward will be for me, my daughter and my baby. He can cooperate or not.

My friends a family law solicitor and has put me in touch with some barristers and unfortunately this just isn’t the case anymore. It makes me sick. He’s very manipulative and has many people fooled. When people find out the real truth behind our split, they’re shocked - because of course he hasn’t told them the whole story.

Absolutely. He’s reported it to a GP, the NHS mental health service and at least two counsellors. I’m sure I’ll have it in writing too.
I’ve definitely been keeping a log of things, just in case.

My nephew is 5 and his father has never been allowed solo contact and the court wouldn’t even consider it when he was under 12 months old. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They might allow an hour or 2, but not overnights while the baby is reliant on breast milk.