Soon to be ex Husband moving on after 2 months, whilst I’m pregnant with his baby

[Legallymum]

Hi all,
Wondering if any of you can give me your two pence on this situation and whether I’m just over emotional (pregnancy) or not.
I posted here back end of last year/beginning of this year regarding my husband (we’ve been together for 9 years) and his selfish ways, putting his hobbies first, not doing anything around the house and his laziness with our now 2 year old daughter, as well as his temper.

Well, 2-3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I was nearly 7 weeks at this point. Things weren’t good between myself and my husband and we were having counselling. I really didn’t believe that keeping the baby was a good idea. My mental health was getting worse, my husband was not coping with our daughter and the thought of bringing another one into this house made me feel sick. My husband then told me he would not be able to give up his “life” (by which he was referring to his hobbies) for me to train and progress as a solicitor, after I’d had this baby. For context, he completed his part time degree whilst working full time in the period I had my daughter and by the time she was 1. I have always wanted to be a solicitor, and this was a discussion we had had before our first. I discussed an abortion with my husband and he told me if I were to do that, we would have to separate. As he cannot cope with that.
I had it booked for a week later and agreed we would separate. I had to put my mental health first, so I could look after our daughter.

After less than a week of moving out (he kicked me out and told me I couldn’t stay if I were to get rid of the baby), I realised my mental health was improving. I realised it wasn’t the baby making me anxious, it was the situation and knowledge that in this relationship I would not be able to cope with a newborn, my daughter and basically a second child.

So I agreed to keep the baby but told my husband that things weren’t working and unless he managed to change his ways and prioritise us, I would be leaving. He didn’t change his ways; the house became disgusting, every time I visited to drop off our daughter or look after the dogs. My daughter’s clothes weren’t being washed regularly enough, so they were mouldy. The house smelled. But he continued to do his hobbies and focus on him.

Anyway, in this time he has been coming to my scans, we’ve discussed him being there during my labour and birth, and spending the first 2 weeks together following the birth so he can be with his baby.

Up until 3 weeks ago, he was also constantly making comments that we’d be better off together and to rethink getting divorce.
A divorce had not been filed at this stage and we were waiting until after the baby. I think maybe I hoped he would see reason and sort his life out.

On Saturday we decided to celebrate our daughter’s 2nd birthday together by going to a farm. He wanted me to take photos of her whilst she was feeding the lambs. I didn’t have my phone - it was in the pram parked at the back of the queue.

I asked him if I could just use his to take photos. He hesitated and then stuttered and said he didn’t see why not. He made sure to get the camera up for me. He clearly accidentally unlocked the phone and at the bottom left was a nude of him, he had clearly recently taken.

When I asked if i was seeing things correctly, he went red and told me to mind my business.

Obviously i was upset. I moved out in June. Having had further conversations with him, he states he has done nothing wrong. He is chatting with a girl and intends to meet up with her for “just sex”.

Turns out my daughter, who hasn’t been very well the last week, was in the room next door, whilst he’s doing taking and exchanging photos and masturbating to them. Now; if it wasn’t for the fact that that night he was messaging me every 20 mins or so to say she was upset and clearly not well, I wouldn’t have minded.

But whilst she is upset, he is next door, distracted.

I think I’m in a bit of shock, he told me a few weeks back that I wasn’t to shag anyone whilst pregnant with his child (I’m now 5 months). Never in a million years did I think he’d be looking to do the same so early on.
I just want to know if anyone else thinks it’s wrong and very quick.

He says “single is single” and he can do what he wants. But I just think he’s showing no respect for the fact I’m carrying his baby and looking after his child, while he sees her every other weekend.
I have gone absolutely mad and he has said he is “shaken” by my response; saying he didn’t realise he was losing a friend too.

Thank you. As soon as I’m back from mat leave I’ll be buying myself a house. I can’t wait to have a place of my own; which sure, probably won’t be tidy, or as tidy as I’d like. But it’ll be mine and the kids mess, it’ll be clean and it will only be on me to tidy. Less resentment and anger for the other child who just adds to the mess and doesn’t help.

and HAHAA I know, they’re so stupid. If I send you an ugly picture of my ugly dick, will you send me one of you? 😆

You don’t have to take the baby to register the birth.
Just realised you’ve already been told this

I know, the kind person I was replying to informed me.

I’ll be making sure to register baby asap. Might even do that and then tell him baby has been born. Will see how things are in January when they’re due.

Sorry I just updated my comment as I realised after I posted someone had already told you. He sounds pretty useless tbf so I can’t imagine him rushing off to register the birth

This was my thought when the other poster said what they did haha, I’m not sure he’d be in a rush to do so.

You're so young still and obviously very clever! Have your baby, find good childcare and get that training course done. In a few years you will be a super cool lawyer, with two great primary age kids and advising other women on how to get out of situations like yours (well not sure of what type of law you specialise in but maybe).

The baby didn't need to be there to be registered. Don't be Silly. You need to get better people advising you as you're getting and doing so much wrong. Are you very young?

im not really too sure what registering the baby has to do with it, to be fair. I don’t even have to tell him when the baby is born. I can literally register them before he’s even aware. So if I think it’s a risk, I will do just that.
Could you please elaborate and let me know what it is exactly that I’m doing wrong?
yes, granted, I don’t live in the marital home, but there is also no reason I cannot return and boot him out. I have keys, I have access and legally, have the right to do so.
I am 28 in December.

@Legallymum @TheHillIsMine to register the birth of the baby, does the person not need to show the document from the hospital which states the baby has been born? Mum just needs to keep that document to herself and dad wont be visiting in hospital anyway so he wont get his mitts on it! I would also go so far as to say that perhaps you should get their passports so the person named is the person who always receives them.

I had a Quick Look online and gov website says that sometimes they request these documents, it just depends on the individual registering the birth on the day.
This is also a good idea. I will order the passport once they’re born. Thank you.

Please take care of yourself OP. Your situation is heart wrenching and I hope you can find the strength you need.

You are going to be just fine without him my dear!

1. Stop going to look after his dogs. Next time he demands it, tell him to book a dog sitter.
2. Stop having your salary put into a joint account.
3. Are you still paying half the mortgage? Is he paying you any occupational rent as he's stopping you from living in the house that you're legally entitled to live in?
4. Definitely register baby's birth BEFORE you tell him baby has been born. Make sure none of your friends or family tell him or put anything on social media that baby has been born until baby has been registered.
5. You should have already been claiming child maintenance from two months ago! Get that claim in first thing tomorrow.
6. A judge will not grant overnight access for a newborn. It's highly unlikely they will let him have baby overnight until they are 2 years old. Breastfeeding will also help with this (before anyone says about expressing, not all women can express well).
7. You may have to go to court to force a house sale, but I'd go and make it presentable, otherwise it'll sit on the market for months and you'll get no where near it's value.

Good luck, he sounds a right cunt and you're well rid. I too hope he loses interest in being a father and lets you get on with it. Hopefully being 5 hours away from him will help with that. That'll make 50/50 when they're at school bloody difficult for him. I do think you could fight 50/50 due to his suicidal thoughts when looking after his child. You're doing well to keep a log.

Thanks so much for your thorough reply.

I have told him after this week (I will be leaving the house on Friday morning!) he is to find his own arrangements for the dogs.
I will arrange for my salary to be put into a separate account as of next pay (this will be end of September now!).
I’ll also be demanding child support asap.
Yes, I am currently paying towards the mortgage and all bills. Without me doing that he’d be fucked financially i think. He isn’t paying me a penny.
I’ll definitely speak to family re birth and keeping it quiet. Although it turns out none of my family like him so that won’t be difficult ha. I have heard that about access to baby, but also seen very different where judge has granted access. I was going to do bottle and breast (my first was exclusively breast) to help him, but I’ve changed my mind and won’t be doing that. I’m also hoping with the things to do with this temper and the state of the house, they won’t deem him stable enough to care for a baby and toddler. Or baby alone!

im going to tell him if he doesn’t get the property on the market within the next 4 weeks, I will no longer be paying towards the bills and he ought to find a way to buy me out. I work 4 days a week, and look after our daughter on the 5th day. I don’t have time to be going back and forth and ensuring the house is in a fit state unfortunately. I did a thorough deep clean before and ensured there was no washing for him. But he hasn’t kept on top of it at all. I am minded to pay for a cleaner and charge the joint account, once I’ve removed my money!

unfortunately we are just the hour away, but his family are 5 hours or more away. He has stated he won’t move nearer to me (where I’m moving to be with family and their support) because he doesn’t want to commute that far.

I’ll consider fighting the 50/50 nearer the time. He might not be such an issue by then. Probably change his mind and still want them every other weekend

This man is an absolute asshole. Like beyond manipulative, abusive, and narcissistic. There is no point looking for consistency, humanity, compassion or even coherence in his statements. He is what Harry Frankfort called “ a bullshitter” — he’s not evena liar. he is something worse. He does not even care enough to project single plausible argument. His every utterance is made to hurt, humiliate, and confuse you and advantage himself.

The right answer to “single is single” is “ what the fucking fuck? If you are a dog humping furniture but not if you are my husband. Get the fuck out of my life you horny little toad.”

He’s nasty and manipulative. Do not listen to anything he tries to justify. You need toget him out of your life and your kids’ lives.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. I had two on my own. He walked out 2 weeks after my first child was born and came in and out of our lives for a few months when I fell pregnant again, but we were already separated so I had my second completely on my own too. We moved back to my home country to be nearer to family and he followed a few years later but lives elsewhere.
It is possible to have two very small children on your own and I would choose it time and time again rather than be with my ex.

Hadn't realised you hadn't moved out yet. I'd just say that it's up to the both of you to get the house on the market, not just him, so you can get the ball rolling with it as he clearly has no intention. Given the state of the house, I'd push for him buying you out (give him a figure you'll accept).

Oh dear lord! You are well rid of this disgusting excuse for a man. Whatever comes next, it could only be an improvement on staying with him or even having him in your life, as well as your DC.

Oh no sorry I moved out 2 months ago because he told me I couldn’t stay. I’m just currently back looking after the dogs whilst he is on his jollies.

not again.

Single is single?
If he was your fiancée and you were both planning to get married, you would both be clear that exchanging nudes to another woman was a deal breaker.

He was supposedly trying to repair his marriage, of course this is an unacceptable deal breaker.

This is who he is: a person who puts himself, his hobbies, his dick first - ahead of his DD’s welfare, his dw’s dreams, his family, everything.

please re read this:
After less than a week of moving out (he kicked me out and told me I couldn’t stay if I were to get rid of the baby), I realised my mental health was improving. I realised it wasn’t the baby making me anxious, it was the situation and knowledge that in this relationship I would not be able to cope with a newborn, my daughter and basically a second child.

It’s time to put your dc first. They deserve a dm with a clear head. You know what needs doing.

Some men are so grim. Eww. Better off without him. He’s disgusting.

I think his argument here is that because I’d said I was leaving - having said numerous times in the meantime that we could reconcile if he really wanted to (he constantly said we’d be better off married and that it will be worse for me etc etc) he would show me he has changed.

We were therefore separated, whereas fiancées aren’t separated, they’re together. So he’d argue it’s a completely different situation.
except for me, we hadn’t even filed for divorce, it had beeen 2 months and he’d made no efforts to change. Yet still commented about us getting back together etc.

Sorry just realised I didn’t reply to all of your comment.

Thank you. He clearly had no intentions of changing. It’s funny because he truly thinks he did his best, but he always puts other things first and then states “I’m tired” or “it’s too late I’ll do it tomorrow”, meaning it will never get done.

its funny cos I remember in the early days of our first daughter, him coming home from work and saying he needed 30-60 minutes rest (which involved a nap) before he could help with our daughter. He would then hold for her a bit, hand her back, and go upstairs to “study”. He’d then leave me to sort everything else out. I was naive and thought it was just cos of studying. It didn’t change once that finished.

I think it’s hard for me because he was showing no way of changing to save our marriage, but then to send nudes etc, just the final nail in the coffin to show he really wasn’t trying to repair the marriage. He gave up years ago.

So why on earth have another child with him?