Can anyone help me understand this social situation not sure what to do!

[Alysskea]

Honestly I feel like I’m in high school all over again trying to navigate the world of other toddler mums. Just wondering if anyone can help me work out what the heck is going on and if I’m the problem.

I take my 2yo to a sports session every week on my day off. She absolutely loves it. Afterwards the mums all go to a cafe and we’ve been tagging along because a) they invited us the first week and then said oh we come here every week b) she really enjoys going with the other kids and c) saves me having to try and feed her when we get home.

My issue is, these mums seem to go out of their way to exclude not only me but my child as well. Of course they all know each other better than they know me and I’m not asking for them to go out of their way to be overly friendly or anything, but we usually sit there for an hour and a half and they’ll talk to each other and ignore me completely. Don’t think they’ve ever asked me a question about my life. Fine, whatever. They also exclude my child! Last week one of them took out colouring pages and pens and handed them to each child except mine, and that’s just one example!

I am not sure what to make of it tbh. I have a few working theories

• they never actually wanted me there and asked me along to be polite. But this seems weird as I don’t know why they’d do this or how our presence takes away from their enjoyment of the experience
• they look down on me as I’m slightly less middle class than them. Honestly I’m highly educated and have the same job as one of them but I’m not quite on their level finance wise. You can tell that by looking at me. This makes me sound class obsessed but honestly I’m grasping at straws here.
• they for some reason don’t like me or my child’s personality. But again, I don’t understand why especially as they’ve never spoken to us!
• they’re just really cliquey and treat everyone this way. But I can’t understand how a grown ass woman would do that. It’s just nice to include people who YOU have invited out with you.

Honestly I find it quite upsetting taking my child along and seeing her excluded. She’s so good natured and describes them all as her ‘friends’ when they basically don’t interact with her because their parents have given them all toys and activities to do and not her. But she’d also be really sad if I said we couldn’t go eat with her friends anymore. It would make her even sadder if we didn’t go to her class anymore.

i am sure I’ll get crap for this post and get called paranoid and entitled, but I honestly just feel kind of puzzled and saddened by the whole thing. I am neurodivergent (I have ‘severe’ ADHD that is not medicated currently). But I generally get on well with people and have a broad group of friends including neurotypical middle class mums who seem to think we’re not beneath them lol. This just comes across to me as plain rudeness and seems kind of deranged 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Or it’s a huge group, like 15-20 and the OP is sitting there staring at her feet so no one has noticed that no one else is talking to her. It would be easy to miss one child accidentally in a large group. We definitely need more details.

Not quite the same , but once befriended a slightly younger mum at the group I used to go to , we chatted a few times and as we were leaving , she invited me to have a coffee at her mum's house as it was within walking distance . I agreed and it was about a 10 minute walk .
Her mum was quite nice and we sat chatting whilst our children played .
Saw her a few more times at the place we went to , before she said it wasn't for her .
Fast forward a few months and I found out the mum's house was raised and being used as a brothel and her mum was the madam for them !

Haha mine will!! She will get pen all over everything we love in the process but she’ll colour for ages

This blew up more than I was expecting but just wanted to add some things

1. i appreciate that it may seem weird that I kept going even though they were excluding me but it’s a cafe right next to the gym, at lunchtime with a kids menu. It’s the perfect place!
2. Some people saying I should spend more time 1-1 with my daughter. I spend the vast majority of my time doing this.
3. peoole saying I’m being classist and saying how could they possible tell I’m a bit poor just by looking at me - lol come on. They can tell. You’re being facetious.

massively do appreciate the support though and the experiences of others making me feel less alone. Nice to know I’m not the only one with this problem.

@DaylesfordBroccoli im really pleased your life has been such that you can’t imagine this happening but it literally has. I also find it weird hence why I made this post. Their behaviour seems deranged to me. It’s 3 other mums and 5 children not including us. And yes they sit and ignore me week upon week. Yes it’s weird.

and okay for the last time I keep going because I want to go to a bloody cafe after mini gym!! I have no emotional attachment to these women but it seems weirder to sit separately and ignore them. That’s their MO! But maybe I’ll start doing it who knows

If it's only three other mums, is it not just possible that they're close friends and don't want to make polite forced conversation with an extra, when they could just gossip like old friends do? When I had my second child, I often caught up with mums who had their second too, so I already knew them well? It's a small group, not a big gang, it could be that simple?

Yes they seem rude, but if you're literally sitting with a small group every week and they're not talking to you, I think you're not picking up on their message either?

Definitely keep going if you want to, but if you're sitting with them and they're not talking to you, maybe give them more space?

I maintain that sitting there, creating awkwardness, is weird.

Just sit wherever but leave others alone if the cafe means that much to you.

Wow ! And you were in the house 😳
Maybe they were going to ask you if you wanted a job 😉

i appreciate that it may seem weird that I kept going even though they were excluding me but it’s a cafe right next to the gym, at lunchtime with a kids menu. It’s the perfect place!

OK but do you go to the cafe and get a table alone with your DC or do you sit with them? I got the impression you were sitting with them and inserting yourself into their group.

Can you paint a picture for me? Is there 1 table? are they already sat at it and you join them or do you sit there first and they join you? Do they acknowledge you at all, even a hello? Do you try to join in and they blank you?

But what happens when you sit with them? As it sounds like you say they ignore you? So do they make room for you? Check there is enough seats? Or do you grab an extra chair and make sure you can join them?

Also what happened with the colouring? Did the mum handing out the colouring sheets not say something when there wasn't one for your little one? It seems weird that nothing was said at all. Surely she would have commented on not expecting an extra child there or made an apology or some kind....did they all sit in silence? And did you not say anything? Even quietly to your own child that one of them might have heard, as I would have probably whispered to my child not to worry as we could do colouring at home.

I am wondering if you are overthinking it slightly and you aren't being excluded to the extent you think you are, or if you are oblivious to the fact they are hinting strongly they don't want you to sit with them but they don't know what else to do without saying it directly..

I could have written this post. I was also going to suggest rejection sensitive dysphoria. It’s a well known adhd “symptom” if you like. Along with overthinking and feeling off in social situations. I’d agree with binning them off and starting a new exciting routine for you and DD. She’ll soon forget her “friends” and make some real ones elsewhere. It’s shit having adhd, like navigating a whole universe that has a rule book we don’t have access to. 💐

Is it that there is really an issue or is it rejection sensitivity dysphoria?

This has happened to me Op. I was invited along to coffee after a weekly toddler group. I was new to the area so my plan was to say yes to everything. Unfortunately I didn't judge it right and after a few weeks of going I was then ghosted on a WhatsApp group. I was so embarrassed that I hadn't realised earlier and hadnt been wanted and this was their way of telling me. I got over it though and made solid friends elsewhere. Good luck

I think the leaving her child out and not saying a word to her shows there’s an issue, don’t you?

So In answer to this question and others yes I’ve been sitting with them. We all walk there together but I’m sometimes slower because my DD likes to piss about on the walk lol. If we arrive first though they will join us on purpose. It’s happened twice where they’ve done this. But usually it’s us joining them. It seems weird to get a table away from them when we’ve just seen them at the class and when we’ve sat with them before? But maybe not. I don’t know.

re: the colouring they do it with other toys too. They get out colours, little dolls or whatever and pass them to the kids. Sometimes you can dismiss it as the other kids being grabby or whatever and my daughter is smaller so misses out. I don’t WANT to be paranoid so dismissed it. But the colouring was more pronounced since it was one each and they each got a pen etc.

and in terms of adult conversation they talk about normal mum stuff - normally just their children, nursery, potty training, baby names etc. never ask me a question. I try to join in the conversation but it’s hard when you’re getting nothing back.

I think this is sort of my reasoning for making the post. As others have pointed out it seems like they’re being bitchy, mean to my child and me and generally behaving in quite a snobbish way. But I’m aware that being ND I might interpret stuff in a different way. I don’t experience RSD in my life generally, I’m pretty secure with friends etc. But I think some people have been commenting saying why do I bother etc and I think part of that is as a ND person you think you’re imagining things or you’re the problem 90% of the time. Maybe a bit silly to assume other people are going to be nice, decent humans 🤷🏼‍♀️ but yeah I think the whole point of the post is I just don’t quite get it!

But you still haven't said what happened with the colouring. They handed out a sheet to each child and a pen, but nothing to your child. No one said anything at all? You didn't say anything to your child? Your child didn't even ask or try to take someone else's? This is the bit that stands out to me and is telling over what this group are like - was it done deliberately to make you get the hint you aren't invited or did it seem more genuine with an apology.

Handing out other toys surely is up to the kids to share and actually if they have brought a toy for their own child I wouldn't necessarily expect it to be passed around the group.

The part where they don't speak to you and give all the kids except yours colouring in books is pretty much decisive, isn't it? Clique. Mean girls. I bet there are a few other mums there who feel ostracised...why don't you keep your eyes peeled for them and you and your girl go for your own snacks somewhere else after the sports club...those nasty women aren't worthy of your time! X

Maybe leave it a few weeks - go somewhere else for lunch. Get her snacks lined up and new destination before she's left her activity.
Maybe after a few weeks they'd bring up your absence. but due to nature of cliques if there ignoring you they're probably talking about you when your not there ...maybe using you to re inforce there 'in group'
Don't put yourself or child through it just be on the look out for other stuff to do? Other stuff will appear.

My daughter did say she wanted to do colouring. They ignored her. I repeated it back to her loudly and they ignored 🤷🏼‍♀️

They sound weird, they know what there doing. Don't put yourselves through it. It sounds like a massive no go.

Sounds bad, the only thing you can do is force your way into communicating with them. Maybe your not interacting with them enough, most people avoid trouble and do not speak to people who do not seem interested in talking to them. This can be actual or perceived.