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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling a bit disappointed because of colleague?

97 replies

peralpulls · 27/08/2025 15:32

We’re a team of 4 - 3 of us work in one office and the other works in a different office three hours away so us being face to face is quite rare.

I had to travel to her office for a meeting and I told her in advance and booked my seat next to her. She then didn’t show up and had decided to work from home.

I didn’t say anything but she messaged later to say she was too tired. I just feel a bit disappointed, which is probably silly. Aibu?

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/08/2025 15:33

I think that’s really flaky of her. YANBU to be disappointed

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 15:35

I'm a bit confused. Do you mean the person who works 3 hours away didn't turn up? Or was it one of your colleagues and they were going to travel with you?

ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 15:39

Booked a seat next to her???
Im not sure the exact details but maybe it’s as she said, she’s tired and can work just an s well from home. What had you hoped for? Are you a colleague trying to become a friend?

Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 15:41

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 15:35

I'm a bit confused. Do you mean the person who works 3 hours away didn't turn up? Or was it one of your colleagues and they were going to travel with you?

Sorry I’ve not made it clear.

I work in Office A and a colleague in my team works in Office B (3 hours away.)

I had to go to Office B for a supplier meeting, I was free all morning and I told colleague who works there in advance she said “great see you then”. Then she decided to work from home but never sent a quick message to say she now wasn’t coming in.

I didn’t say anything and she messaged the next day saying she’d felt too tired to come to the office.

OP posts:
ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 15:43

Unless ye had made plans for coffee/lunch YABU.

You shouldn’t have expectations of another person’s time.

RimTimTagiDim · 27/08/2025 15:44

It would have been nice to see her in person but I think you're being over-sensitive. You hadn't travelled there specifically to see her.

Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 15:45

ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 15:39

Booked a seat next to her???
Im not sure the exact details but maybe it’s as she said, she’s tired and can work just an s well from home. What had you hoped for? Are you a colleague trying to become a friend?

I’m not bothered about being friends. Not in a I don’t care way just in a she’s someone I work with and it’s always better to get on with your colleagues but they don’t need to be friends.

And yes you book your seats for the office. She’s always complaining that she feels out of the team as she’s the only one not in the same office. So yes I thought it would be nice to spend some time together, as face to face isn’t really a thing these days. I don’t think it’s as weird as you’re trying to imply.

(I think it would also be weird if I booked a seat away from her)

OP posts:
HelpMeGetThrough · 27/08/2025 15:46

YABU, you’re just a colleague, not a friend or family member. She wanted to work from home, so did.

whatsit84 · 27/08/2025 15:48

I am with you, OP. How did this people cope with full time office work - you couldn’t just not come in if you were too tired, and I’d feel really guilty I told you I was going to be there!

Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 15:49

ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 15:43

Unless ye had made plans for coffee/lunch YABU.

You shouldn’t have expectations of another person’s time.

Just for relevance if applicable we have a mandatory 3 days in the office policy. Just want to be clear that I wasn’t expecting her to come in especially for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 15:51

whatsit84 · 27/08/2025 15:48

I am with you, OP. How did this people cope with full time office work - you couldn’t just not come in if you were too tired, and I’d feel really guilty I told you I was going to be there!

Thank you, I think I just felt let down that she didn’t say anything until the next day. She has a line manager in that office (they do a separate job) and they came to say hello to me and asked me why she hadn’t come in.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 15:51

Got it! I thought the 'booked a seat next to her' was a train seat!

Yes, I think that was rude. You made an effort to travel for hours to see her. 'Too tired' is a poor excuse... unless there was another reason that she didn't want to go into.

HelpMeGetThrough · 27/08/2025 15:59

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 15:51

Got it! I thought the 'booked a seat next to her' was a train seat!

Yes, I think that was rude. You made an effort to travel for hours to see her. 'Too tired' is a poor excuse... unless there was another reason that she didn't want to go into.

Did the OP travel to see her?

RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 16:02

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 15:51

Got it! I thought the 'booked a seat next to her' was a train seat!

Yes, I think that was rude. You made an effort to travel for hours to see her. 'Too tired' is a poor excuse... unless there was another reason that she didn't want to go into.

The OP travelled for a meeting which was nothing to do with the colleague. She was just planning to sit next to her in that workplace. I think it's a bit mad to be disappointed someone you barely know didn't come in to the office when she was disinclined to, just to sit beside someone she rarely sees. I imagine she'd be very taken aback if she knew how disappointed you were!

Mmr224 · 27/08/2025 16:07

We have similar policies and also team spread over various offices. We don't often travel just for this, for cost, time efficiency and sustainability reasons but we are supposed to try and make the most of ad hoc in person time to build team relationships, share forward plans, work with colleagues in the wider team etc. This would definitely reflect poorly on her in our organisation. Her line manager clearly expected her to try to catch up with you since you were there, and wasn't aware she wasn't coming in. Bumping you with out telling you or updating a courtesy email to line manager would both be frowned on here, just as a courtesy to a colleague .

Weekmindedfool · 27/08/2025 16:09

ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 15:39

Booked a seat next to her???
Im not sure the exact details but maybe it’s as she said, she’s tired and can work just an s well from home. What had you hoped for? Are you a colleague trying to become a friend?

Booking a seat next to your team collegue is pretty normal. I presume you don’t work in a professional capacity?

ForFunGoose · 27/08/2025 16:09

I can understand your disappointment, I think you got your hopes up for something that didn’t come off.
Nothing wrong with what either of ye did.

Weekmindedfool · 27/08/2025 16:10

Yes it’s flaky and a bit shit. I’d be wondering if she did it on purpose to avoid you.

Ddakji · 27/08/2025 16:12

Agree - both feeble but also unprofessional of colleague.

Still, if she whines again you can make the point that she couldn’t be bothered to come in when one of her colleagues was in the same office as her!

manicpixieschemegirl · 27/08/2025 16:21

Was your colleague also involved in the meeting or was it just that you’d be attending her office for a meeting and it might have been nice to see her in person? If it’s the latter then YABU. It’s really not that deep - she had the option of wfh and she did. Even if she was involved she could’ve participated remotely. She doesn’t need to run her decisions by you.

And if she’s not fulfilling the mandatory three days in the office policy then I’m sure her line manager will be equipped to deal with it appropriately.

Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 17:27

Weekmindedfool · 27/08/2025 16:09

Booking a seat next to your team collegue is pretty normal. I presume you don’t work in a professional capacity?

Show quote history

Honestly this. I think it would be weird if I booked a seat on a different section of the office to sit with strangers over a member of my team. I think that would give out the impression I didn’t like her.

When I know it’s not about like or dislike, but I do think it’s important to have good relationships with your colleagues.

OP posts:
Original poster
peralpulls · 27/08/2025 17:31

Mmr224 · 27/08/2025 16:07

We have similar policies and also team spread over various offices. We don't often travel just for this, for cost, time efficiency and sustainability reasons but we are supposed to try and make the most of ad hoc in person time to build team relationships, share forward plans, work with colleagues in the wider team etc. This would definitely reflect poorly on her in our organisation. Her line manager clearly expected her to try to catch up with you since you were there, and wasn't aware she wasn't coming in. Bumping you with out telling you or updating a courtesy email to line manager would both be frowned on here, just as a courtesy to a colleague .

Edited

Yes you’ve said it better than I ever could. I don’t travel to her office often due to it not being a good use of time and the cost. I tend to stay overnight if I have an early meeting and it could easily be £200 a time. So just not justifiable.

Therefore when there’s an opportunity to add more value it would be expected.

OP posts:
PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 17:51

HelpMeGetThrough · 27/08/2025 15:59

Did the OP travel to see her?

Show quote history

Yes, it's in her post 'I had to travel to her office for a meeting'

PosiePetal · 27/08/2025 17:53

RuthandPen · 27/08/2025 16:02

The OP travelled for a meeting which was nothing to do with the colleague. She was just planning to sit next to her in that workplace. I think it's a bit mad to be disappointed someone you barely know didn't come in to the office when she was disinclined to, just to sit beside someone she rarely sees. I imagine she'd be very taken aback if she knew how disappointed you were!

Show quote history

I see. Well, that changes things. So if you had be travel there anyway for a meeting that was nothing to do with the team member, then no, colleague was not rude.

DiscoBob · 27/08/2025 18:13

If it was just a casual 'hope to see you for a chat', then she clearly didn't think it was pressingly important. She may have forgotten. Presumably you go there fairly frequently. And if she was tired or unwell that's just unfortunate. She's not your best friend?