Feeling a bit disappointed because of colleague?

[peralpulls]

We’re a team of 4 - 3 of us work in one office and the other works in a different office three hours away so us being face to face is quite rare.

I had to travel to her office for a meeting and I told her in advance and booked my seat next to her. She then didn’t show up and had decided to work from home.

I didn’t say anything but she messaged later to say she was too tired. I just feel a bit disappointed, which is probably silly. Aibu?

I would be a bit surprised and disappointed, but I work in a profession that requires a lot interaction with people so this would generally be considered stand offish behaviour and a bit odd.

You could never tell people at my work that you were working from home because you ‘felt tired’ either. It would provoke a number of negative reactions.

YANBU in feeling a bit out out about this, and she was definitely rude. Especially to not even message you to say she wasn't coming in after all. It was your second visit to her office this year and she's your team member - she should have hosted you, made sure you had what you needed and joined you for lunch IMO.

She's maybe a bit dim and didn’t understand this would be the professional expectation. Or, maybe a bit intimidated by you or couldn't face the actual F2F communication after months of dealing with you remotely. Either way, it's not a you problem and I wouldn't take it personally. It won't have gone down well with her line manager.

Did you not read the OP?

It’s disappointing but does it really matter? ‘Too tired’ could mean she was up all night with a baby/IBS/menopause insomnia/a DV in incident. You just don’t know. Next time you’re in her office, let her know again and maybe it’ll work out.

She probably forgot, woke up the next day, realised her error then sent that message. It's something I would do. My partner forgot a team meal once, it happens.

She doesn’t have children.

^ This.

I often feel knackered, or a bit unwell, or headachy, but I have no option other than to go into the office. Does this person actually do any work at home if they're too tired to go into the office??! No wonder employers are stamping down on the work from home thing.

Do you know if she ever comes in? She might be coasting below the radar. She might even be abroad.

do you get on well generally?

But you had to go to Office B for a meeting anyway, regardless of whether your colleague was there or not. You didn't go there especially to see her, so she's done nothing wrong by not being in the office. And what difference would it have made if she'd told you in advance that she couldn't come in? You'd still have had to go to the office for your meeting either way. You're being really precious and a bit intense about this, I think. She's not obliged to come in just because you're there.

Totally agree with all of this. I’m finding the OP very odd for this ‘disappointment’, for the coworker it was just an average day that the OP happened to be in office B.

Not to mention, “Feeling a bit tired” is usually code for “look I don’t want to give details for having a shit night for reasons A, B, or C”

Didn’t your colleague post about this on mumsnet a week or so ago, saying she knew a colleague would be coming to the office, hoping to see her, and was she being unreasonable not to go into the office that day because she wouldn’t be up for being sociable and wanted to stay home?

Can you find a link?

If I could find a link, I wouldn’t be asking the question. 😎

Is this it?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5394442-am-i-unreasonable-for-not-wanting-to-go-to-this-work-event?reply=146514866

Yes, this.

Did you miss the bit where she implied she would be there (great, see you then), and also that she complains that she’s in an office by herself anyway from the rest of the team?

You don’t tell a colleague you’ll be in the office at a certain time and then bail because you feel a bit tired. You also don’t whine about being in a separate office if you can’t be bothered to go in when one of your team is actually going to be there.

I think it's a bit lame. I have that kind of work situation. Most would make the effort to be there where I am or you let the person know you're not going to be there.

Maybe she genuinely did feel rotten that day though. My periods make me feel utterly ropey for instance but I tend to spare colleagues the details

And as you were going there anyway I can see why she didn't rush to tell you.

If there's a pattern that's one thing but as a one off i wouldn't read anything into it

I'm with you, OP. Even if you didn't travel specifically to meet her, she should have made an effort to meet you, especially since she's complaining of being left out. At the very least a courtesy email to apologise beforehand.

I agree with you OP. It was poor form of her. This would be frowned upon where I work - she made no effort to take advantage of a rare opportunity to work closer with an immediate colleague. If I were her line manager I would question her priorities and commitment.

It sounds like you were looking forward to meeting her and it turns out she wasn't that bothered about meeting you? I don't mean that to sound awful because if that was the case I too would feel a bit put out, you made the effort to make sure you were sat next to her so I don't think YABU in that respect.

Too tired to come to the office?!
Then you're not fit to work, imo.
So flaky.
(Obvs not @op, her colleague)

Just to be clear there’s no expectations from me of us being friends (friendly hopefully whilst we work together) and I don’t envision us keeping in touch if one of us left. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing her in an excited way, again I just thought it would be nice to spend time face to face with a colleague as even in my own office I can not see the same face for weeks - because the working world is very much just teams calls these days.

Ultimately I’ve since found out that her manager questioned her over why she wasn’t in the office when I was there. Obviously no complaint was made from me to her manager, but as I stated previously her manager who I’m friendly with came over to say hello and asked where x was and I said I wasn’t sure I’ve not heard or seen her today.

Sounds like her unprofessionalism is coming back to bite her.

I wasn't suggesting you were excited or envisioned a lasting friendship. I sometimes look forward to seeing certain colleagues for a chat and catch up and it can be a bit disappointing if there is hardly anyone in the office to talk to as we hybrid work. If someone did tell me they were coming into the office if I was going to be in then decided to work from home I might be a bit miffed. Doesn't mean I see them as friends though