Copycat Friend

[Moroccomummy]

My best friend is a copycat and it’s getting on my nerves. I am going to sound nasty, but I’m fed up and ready to walk away.

She copies everything I do. If I buy Sketchers, she buys Sketchers. If I buy a blue dress for an event, she buys a nearly but not quite identical dress. If I dye my hair, she asks for the colour. If I book a holiday to Crete, she wants my dates. Her favourite colour is whatever mine is. Her favourite animal is the same weird, obscure animal I’ve liked my whole life. If I change my look, she changes hers. If I decide I’m going to go boho chic, she’s suddenly boho chic. If I start collecting Cabbage Patch Kids, she starts collecting them too.

She talks of us twinning it. I can’t have anything without her asking where I got it and then going out and buying the same, wearing the same, using the same words, learning the same language, starting the same hobby…I feel like I’m not allowed my own identity. I feel like she’s stealing it. It’s embarrassing when people say ‘you two are like twins!’ Because I didn’t ask for that…but she aims for it. She suggests it to people.

I know imitation is supposed to be flattering, but I’m finding it suffocating. It’s exhausting trying to distance my self and reinvent myself to gain back an ounce of individuality, only for her to close the gap again. Not to mention expensive.

My husband also gets wound up about it. Says things like, “dont let Sam see your new trainers for gods sake”, then I find myself hiding them for as long as possible, so I can at least be seen in them first. Not because I want to be a trend setter, but because it’s embarrassing to think that other people see us together and think I’m in on this!

Tonight I’ve had enough. There’s been yet another incidence of copying and I feel beyond angry. I get that anyone can go and buy what they want and lots of people will have the same, but this is too much. I wouldn’t mind occasionally ‘Oh MoroccanMummy I love that sweater, would you mind if I got one too?’ Of course that would be fine. But I think she knows what she’s doing because she gets the same in a round about way…it was always an accident: she didn’t realise I had that sweater, or someone bought it for her by coincidence, or she already had it first and forgot. Or she sees me in it and says ‘oh I have that too’. The follows with ‘where did you get it from?’ I’m thinking - surely you know if you have it.

If I’m being unreasonable please say. It was either get really cross with her tonight or vent here. I chose vent. If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.

I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely.

Sorry that’s so long. It really was a rant.

Have you said to her how this is making you feel? Do you think she is generally insecure and takes her confidence from copying you? If you value her friendship, then you really have to talk to her about this.

I’ve not been blunt, I’ve sort of said things like:

’I think it would be really nice if we complemented each other rather than got the exact same’

or ’why don’t you try something a bit different? I think this would look lovely on you’

But no I haven’t outright said ‘can you stop please’ because I know she’ll be upset.

This would drive me bonkers. I personally would walk away from this friendship as I would feel suffocated by such behaviour, but I’m sure you will get some people replying who will say that they wouldn’t be bothered by it.

Oh and yes, I think she lacks confidence and has low self esteem. I’m sorry for that. But she surely can’t just keep doing this? It’s weird.

Ooft this is hard. Because fixing it is going to be so awkward.

Do you know anyone (her DH, her sister) who could speak to her and say it is all getting a bit much? You could only use someone who absolutely had her best interests at heart - not a pal from the friend group.

Insufferable. You will get a lot of people saying “it’s the sincerest form of flattery” but that doesn’t make it ok. I’d call her out personally. Stop copying me, stop trying to be me. You’re embarrassing yourself. Be prepared to lose the friendship though.

I’ve been dealing with it for YEARS and I’m cracking. It started not bothering me too much, but over time it’s encroached on my identity.

Her husband is embarrassed. He will roll his eyes and raise his hands in exasperation when she’s asking where I got something if he’s there too. Sometimes he pulls her up on it, but it’s like he’s not there to her. Completely ignored.

I think I’m coming to terms with this. It’s sad because she’s kind and sweet and caring. But I can’t anymore. It’s stripping me away - I know that sounds melodramatic.

It would piss me right off but I’m a low on tolerance with people in general.

People say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but I disagree, I think it is creepy and as you say it as if she is stealing your identity, your individuality by being a carbon copy of you.

Peronally, I would ditch the friendship there is no way after this length of time you are going to be able to stop her doing it and it is negatively impacting on you which is not what frienships are meant to do.

This sounds creepy and dysfunctional. Why is she doing it? I'm amazed you've put up with it for so long.

Every time she asks say something like "from a charity shop/it was a gift/this old thing? I'm going to cut it up for rags".

Yes, I guess it is creepy.

The thing is that my mum and her mum were best friends and we, the children were besties by default. She’s been in my life forever pretty much. Like family. So it’s not easy.

Good idea, but she’ll be photographing it and doing a google search of it anyway.

If you are considering ditching the friendship then just have an honest talk to her at a time when you aren't feeling pissed off, then if after that she still does it, feel free to get a little angry/direct with her if she carries on doing it.

I do wonder if people who do this have some sort of issue around wanting to be liked and accepted and that may be where it comes from, it's like the don't have any real identity of their own, so it is safer to copy other people, I don't think they do it to annoy or encroach, but that ends up being the end result.

I think you should give her the chance to recognise it and deal with it, she may not realise just how much it bothers you and think it always gets laughed off, but as her friend she deserves to know the real truth, especially if you are considering dropping the friendship over it.

She’s your best friend, surely you can tell her the truth? If you don’t think you can I would reconsider how close you want to be. Even if your mums were best friends doesn’t mean you have to be too. I’d pull away from her.

Next time she asks where you got it, just laugh and say “I’m not telling you because you’ll go out and buy it”. You can do this lightheartedly without it being confrontational.

Given that you’ve reached the point where you’re considering walking away from the friendship, I think it’s worth being blunt with her. You’ve tried bring subtle and it hasn’t worked.

Say something like… look X, I have enjoyed having you as a friend. But I don’t enjoy you copying me all the time. You have been copying me for years [maybe insert a few examples] , it’s making me feel [insert how it makes you feel] and I can’t cope with it anymore.

You need to work out for yourself what suits you, what you like, what your style is etc. We are all individuals, all different, but you aren’t allowing yourself or me to have our own space.

I’d then say you are going to step back a little from your friendship to give her that space.

Sure, she’s going to be upset, but if you end the friendship completely, she’s also going to be upset. If her friendship is importantly you, what have you got to lose?

I believe she would deny and get upset. She can respond to negative feedback from others very emotionally.

This is a tough one, it is odd and I suspect it’s a real lack of confidence thing going on. She sees you as successful and wants the same but is going about it the completely wrong way. It sounds as though you’re going to have to have an honest conversation with her and if the friendship ends then so be it.

"If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.
I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely."

You say this has gone on for years. Both your DH's have noticed.. and your DH is even telling you to hide things.

I think this behaviour is veering into a sort of stalking. Its obsessive and she needs therapy.

If she asks where did you get that, you have to say something like. I'm not going to tell you because I'm tired of you copying everything I buy and I'd like you to stop.
Its very hard tho.

And also.. see less of her... you've become her hobby and its not getting any better.

I really appreciate the responses. I was expecting to be somewhat flamed and called spiteful. It’s validating to have people agree that this behaviour is not normal or welcome. I will give it a few days and then have a chat with her about how I’m feeling and give her the opportunity to back off a bit.

I agree with @sandyhappypeople and @strawlight

I'd name it, but in a lighthearted way.

Her - oooo, where did you get that?
You - im not going to tell you because it makes me uncomfortable when you copy me.

Then, if/when she does it again, you can do as @FloofyKat suggests
I think doing that first is the nuclear option.

For the sake of your friendship, I'd go softer but straight first. But you HAVE to be straight about how you feel.
Then go nuclear