Copycat Friend

[Moroccomummy]

My best friend is a copycat and it’s getting on my nerves. I am going to sound nasty, but I’m fed up and ready to walk away.

She copies everything I do. If I buy Sketchers, she buys Sketchers. If I buy a blue dress for an event, she buys a nearly but not quite identical dress. If I dye my hair, she asks for the colour. If I book a holiday to Crete, she wants my dates. Her favourite colour is whatever mine is. Her favourite animal is the same weird, obscure animal I’ve liked my whole life. If I change my look, she changes hers. If I decide I’m going to go boho chic, she’s suddenly boho chic. If I start collecting Cabbage Patch Kids, she starts collecting them too.

She talks of us twinning it. I can’t have anything without her asking where I got it and then going out and buying the same, wearing the same, using the same words, learning the same language, starting the same hobby…I feel like I’m not allowed my own identity. I feel like she’s stealing it. It’s embarrassing when people say ‘you two are like twins!’ Because I didn’t ask for that…but she aims for it. She suggests it to people.

I know imitation is supposed to be flattering, but I’m finding it suffocating. It’s exhausting trying to distance my self and reinvent myself to gain back an ounce of individuality, only for her to close the gap again. Not to mention expensive.

My husband also gets wound up about it. Says things like, “dont let Sam see your new trainers for gods sake”, then I find myself hiding them for as long as possible, so I can at least be seen in them first. Not because I want to be a trend setter, but because it’s embarrassing to think that other people see us together and think I’m in on this!

Tonight I’ve had enough. There’s been yet another incidence of copying and I feel beyond angry. I get that anyone can go and buy what they want and lots of people will have the same, but this is too much. I wouldn’t mind occasionally ‘Oh MoroccanMummy I love that sweater, would you mind if I got one too?’ Of course that would be fine. But I think she knows what she’s doing because she gets the same in a round about way…it was always an accident: she didn’t realise I had that sweater, or someone bought it for her by coincidence, or she already had it first and forgot. Or she sees me in it and says ‘oh I have that too’. The follows with ‘where did you get it from?’ I’m thinking - surely you know if you have it.

If I’m being unreasonable please say. It was either get really cross with her tonight or vent here. I chose vent. If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.

I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely.

At this point I think you need to be really blunt. Tell her that you’re not sharing any more info about things you’re going to wear or have bought and from where etc. Tell her that you are really finding it difficult and have been for some time that she is quite literally copying you and you want it to stop. Say that you know she’ll be upset that you’ve said that but actually she is upsetting you every single time she copies you and enough is enough, you’re having to say this because you hope that the friendship can be saved if she stops doing this. I’d send that first, if you don’t feel able to send something so direct you’re probably going to have to block her on everything. It’s not the sincerest form of flattery, this is crossing the line stalker behaviour and you don’t need to feed it any more. She cannot have your identity, nor do you owe her that just because she’s been in your life a long time. She’s the one who’s caused this problem, it’s not on you to keep on accepting this batshit behaviour from her. She can deny and get upset, but you know the truth of what she’s been doing and she is completely out of order that she’s been doing this for so long. She’s completely walked all over you just to copy you, she hasn’t cared about your feelings, only her own. Tell her straight OP. She’s crossed lines with you for too long.

OP: Fuck that shit! This is what I’d want to do but don’t think I’m quite mean enough to follow it through, but if I was … 😂 … I’d buy a truly hideous garment from a charity shop but not tell her the source. I’d go on about it A LOT, saying I bought two because I know I’ll wear it often so will alternate so as not to wear it out. She’ll beg you to let her have the plus one … generously agree to let her have it as you know have such similar tastes. Intimate that you plan to wear it at a special occasion … I’m cackling here: I wouldn’t actually do it but I’d want to 🤣😇😈😉

Reminds me of the film single white female! It would drive me nuts. If she doesn’t stop doing it I’d have to end the friendship. Is she a very close friend?

Hi OP.. what's the worst that can happen if you tell her nicely but tell her straight that its bothering you and you'd like her to stop?

You mentioned that she gets highly emotional... it could be that she uses that response to end or put at stop to difficult conversations.

But you know this might happen. What if it did? i've no idea what kind of emotional response you mean, crying or yelling? so its difficult to suggest the right approach but if it was a child, how long could they keep that up for... until they calm down and you can speak again.

Her husband has noticed she does it and it seems to annoy him. perhaps you could say it when he's there?

Maybe it could be said by text so that she have a chance to get the emotional response out of the way and you could ask to call you or meet her for a chat about it?

She responds withcomments like "Its Fun" can you have some prepared phrases up your sleeve to respond to these, like No its not fun for me and I'd like you to stop doing it. and so on. I can imagine when she denies it like that its hard to keep on, but I think you have to. Best of luck.

I’ve not seen that movie, but I might watch it now.

We grew up together as our mums were best friends. Went to the same school. Went to each others houses and I guess we just grew up best friends, almost like sisters. Always together.
But I remember even back then how she would copy what I did and ask for whatever I had. I just didn’t care back then. Now, I feel like she’s trying to blend us into one person.

Thank you. Emotional meaning crying and withdrawing and wallowing and becoming anxious and depressed.

Sounds like she has no genuine identity of her own. Is this the only example of her boundary-stomping? She has married a pissweak man who allows her to continue trying to be you too. That would freak me out completely.

Actually, no, there are other examples of boundary crossing. But I tended to ignore or overlook them in isolation. The copying always bothered me the most. Now you mention it however, I’m feeling quite angry. Right now I’m not sure I even want to bother saving this friendship. Although I’m sure my mum will think I’m being silly.

I’ve had a few friends that have done this and it’s bloody annoying. Outfits to hairstyles to even what I eat. I’ve usually just distanced myself and let the friendships drift, I do have a close friend that has done this, not to same level as yours but she still does it. I figured out the friendship would probably be ruined if I said something and as it’s only sometimes it wasn’t worth it. No advice I’m afraid. But I understand you.

I totally get this OP and had exactly the same with a friend. I started sending her links of things saying I was planning to buy, holidays I was going to book, hobbies etc then I’d suddenly change my mind or choose daft things.
My friend would always buy the things I mentioned, I sometimes suggested really outlandish things for entertainment like learning yodelling or buying t shirts with Bluey on 😂.

In the end I pulled her on it because she is a really good friend except for this issue, it seems silly but it actually really gets to you.

My friend is autistic and she confessed it was a way of masking, she copies other people so that she feels like she fits in. I told her how much I hated it and loved her for who she is, she now has her own unique individual style totally opposite to me and we are both happier.

There might be a reason your friend does this or it might be simply that she has no mind of her own, I think you need to raise it though before you lose your shit and end up falling out properly.

This happened to me in high school. My friend was a good friend until I started to notice the copying. Everything I had, she got. Everything I did, she copied. I noticed and people didn’t believe me at first, but then they did and it was embarrassing. I know for her it was very low self esteem.

I had to have a tough conversation with her, told her how it made me feel and I know she wouldn’t want me to feel that way. Then I said how I would help her find some things that suited her. My hair cut did not suit her, but I helped her find one she liked and would suit her. It was a difficult conversation to have, but it paid off. It was either that or ghost her, and I felt she might get hurt either way, but ghosting would be worse.

When she says it’s fun - ask her how. Wait for her response.

Resolve never again to tell her where you got something.
‘Ooh, I like that top, where did you get it’
’I’m not telling you, you’ll only go and get one for yourself’
’No I won’t!!’
’In that case you don’t need to know where it’s from do you.’
…could be a way of starting to refuse to tell her. If she takes a photo to go off and Google ‘you’re not going to use the photo to search for and get the same one, are you?’ ‘No, of course not!’
Then when she turns up wearing it ‘You said you wouldn’t do that!’
Gradually building up to the full confrontation which is about something that she probably doesn’t recognise in herself.

She sounds like a desperate people pleaser and probably can’t think for herself. I would have a gentle word. She may know she’s doing it but be unable to stop.

So what, though? It’s annoying you.

Next time she asks where something is from I’d say “I’m sorry but I’m not telling you”. She will hopefully say why and then you can say “because I can’t handle it anymore, I don’t find it fun, it’s annoying and upsetting me, etc”. She will probably say “don’t be daft it’s a bit of fun, etc”. Then you need to repeat adding what you’ve said.
I had a friend who did this and it drove me bonkers and we lived together so would often leave the house dressed the same way and I’d be do embarrassed.

As you've kept her in the dark about how annoying it is all these years I believe you owe her the truth. Be frank and tell her either her copying ends or the friendship will.

Whatever you do she's going to get hurt but if she wants the relationship to continue she needs to change.

She'll be much more hurt if you keep schtum but explode in anger one day, or just ghost her.

This is good. It’s not bitchy but it gets your point across.

No where near as bad as you but I had a friend/work colleague. We worked at the same school. I’ll be a bit vague but basically, in our year group, we had a specific dress up day (in line with the current topic). I found a few pieces of clothing in various charity shops and accessorised accordingly. I got lots of compliments with how great my costume looked.
Fast forward to the following year and I wore the same thing (wasn’t going to buy more clothes!) and she walked in dressed practically identically to me. Even down to the accessories!
Then I got a tattoo with a very personal meaning to me.
She wasn’t very complimentary and said how she doesn’t like tattoos etc etc. I left the school but we had a catch up a couple of years later and she had practically an identical tattoo, in the same place as mine on her body and she explained each part and its meaning - EXACTLY like mine!
It’s not flattering, it’s infuriating!

Surprised at the responses, if she buys the same trainers as you how on earth does that affect you? It sounds very childish. Unless she’s saying you have copied her.

If it’s the same dress for the same social gathering- that’s different! but the shops don’t make dresses just for you to wear and why do you tell her where you’re going on holiday?

Before anyone jumps on, I’ve had this same situation with a work colleague right down to booking the holiday destinations I’d discussed and the only time it pissed me off is when she asked what I was wearing for a work night out and she went out and bought the same dress- twins for the night! We looked like work twins, all her doing and she was quite an unpleasant person to boot, cheating on her DH with married men etc.

Is she a good friend aside from the copy cat behaviour? You’ll have to sit her down and explain that it’s really upsetting you that she is buying the same things and travelling to the same places.

"Right now I’m not sure I even want to bother saving this friendship. Although I’m sure my mum will think I’m being silly."

Your mum isn't having to put up with this though is she?
It's like saying to you.. I want you to keep on doing something you don't like because I don't want to cause trouble with my friend..Don't rock the boat for my sake. but maybe Mum's friend should also be having a talk with her DD. her DD a talk

I think that this kind of copy cat behaviour is difficult because on the surface it doesn't matter if you are both wearing the same trainers, but ultimately it feels really uncomfortable because it makes you realise that you are under intense scrutiny and they are taking it to the next level by researching and putting effort into obtaining the same things you have or do and then waiting and observing you for the next thing. People may say its flattering just ignore it, but I think It just feels like you can't have any freedom, or do anything without this person noting it and showing you they've noted it.

If you are clear and reasonable, it doesn't have to rock the boat with the Mums. I think waiting to get a good opportunity to say certain things when there's an example right in front of you, may take a while and she may not get the hint. I'm sure you've probably given her plenty of hints and she doesn't recognise that you are talking about her behaviour.

It does sound like you have reached the end of your tether. Rather than waiting or exploding, perhaps you ought to take the bull by the horns and plan out what and how you want to get the message across. Best of luck OP.

I think it hasn’t helped that this behaviour has gone on for along time without being challenged. This means your friend has been able to find refuge in copying you and it has been one an ingrained habit.

it won’t be comfortable, but if you want things to change, you need to speak up. And don’t see her so much, either, then she’s got nothing to copy!

Thank you all. Yes, it’s gone on a long time and ThePeopleVsWork nailed it when they said that she is a desperate people pleaser. She is, and desperate is also very very apt without using it nastily.
She will do anything for anyone, at massive personal cost or inconvenience. I will not ask her to do things for me, as it bothers me that she’ll lend someone money she doesn’t have, or drop them home meaning a 30 mile journey out of her way. I will also tell her she’s nuts, but she says she doesn’t mind. So I let her get on with it.

Glitchymn1 - honestly, getting the same thing as me now and again wouldn’t bother me. But I like to be different. I don’t like to blend in and so I do things or find things which are unique and most people don’t have or even know about. For example, in a world where everyone is wearing Nike or Adidas, I’ll go and buy a pair of OluKai and wear them proudly. The next week, my friend will be wearing the same.
Another small example, since childhood I always loved the Maned Wolf. She tells everyone it’s her favourite animal and puts up pictures of it (which I don’t) almost like she’s claiming it.
She does this with everything to the point where I just give it up. I stop wearing it, doing it, or try to find something different again, only for her to notice, express how much she either likes or dislikes me new thing, and then she gets it anyway! She might laugh at my new trainers. Won’t stop her buying them a few days later and wearing them all the time.
I can’t have anything to myself. I can’t look different.

Final example and then I know what I’m going to have to do.
I decided to have a complete makeover - romantic. I waved my hair, bought very pretty dresses, light cardigans, florals, sweet sandals, white handbags, very girly. This was a big change from my normal ‘style’.
Suddenly her style is also ‘romantic’ and we are going out looking the same, which looked ridiculous. One person looks a bit different, two people look silly. So I try and find something else to love and feel sad I can just be me.

Well just bloody well tell her then! What's the point in just posting more examples of her obsessive copying when you're not telling her to pack it in or it's bye from you!

Yes she'll be hurt and upset, so tell or put up with it. Your choice.

It actually sounds like she is such a people pleaser that she will actually just take your criticism and then just pretend it never happened. If she's lending people money she can't afford to be "liked" by them, she really needs therapy.

Why not find one (for her) tell her you are going and how amazing it is and see if she books a session?

Honestly, watch Single White Female with her (nuclear option!) and say you don’t want her copying you any longer. It’s extremely irritating, like you can’t have anything of your own.