Copycat Friend

[Moroccomummy]

My best friend is a copycat and it’s getting on my nerves. I am going to sound nasty, but I’m fed up and ready to walk away.

She copies everything I do. If I buy Sketchers, she buys Sketchers. If I buy a blue dress for an event, she buys a nearly but not quite identical dress. If I dye my hair, she asks for the colour. If I book a holiday to Crete, she wants my dates. Her favourite colour is whatever mine is. Her favourite animal is the same weird, obscure animal I’ve liked my whole life. If I change my look, she changes hers. If I decide I’m going to go boho chic, she’s suddenly boho chic. If I start collecting Cabbage Patch Kids, she starts collecting them too.

She talks of us twinning it. I can’t have anything without her asking where I got it and then going out and buying the same, wearing the same, using the same words, learning the same language, starting the same hobby…I feel like I’m not allowed my own identity. I feel like she’s stealing it. It’s embarrassing when people say ‘you two are like twins!’ Because I didn’t ask for that…but she aims for it. She suggests it to people.

I know imitation is supposed to be flattering, but I’m finding it suffocating. It’s exhausting trying to distance my self and reinvent myself to gain back an ounce of individuality, only for her to close the gap again. Not to mention expensive.

My husband also gets wound up about it. Says things like, “dont let Sam see your new trainers for gods sake”, then I find myself hiding them for as long as possible, so I can at least be seen in them first. Not because I want to be a trend setter, but because it’s embarrassing to think that other people see us together and think I’m in on this!

Tonight I’ve had enough. There’s been yet another incidence of copying and I feel beyond angry. I get that anyone can go and buy what they want and lots of people will have the same, but this is too much. I wouldn’t mind occasionally ‘Oh MoroccanMummy I love that sweater, would you mind if I got one too?’ Of course that would be fine. But I think she knows what she’s doing because she gets the same in a round about way…it was always an accident: she didn’t realise I had that sweater, or someone bought it for her by coincidence, or she already had it first and forgot. Or she sees me in it and says ‘oh I have that too’. The follows with ‘where did you get it from?’ I’m thinking - surely you know if you have it.

If I’m being unreasonable please say. It was either get really cross with her tonight or vent here. I chose vent. If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.

I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely.

I’ve text her and just asked if we can meet tomorrow for a chat.

I’m going to kindly explain to her that I understand she enjoys us sharing ideas and interests, but I need a bit of space to be me and an individual. That I’d rather she didn’t do the latest thing.

If she doesn’t improve after that, I am going to be blunt and ask her to stop and tell her it’s making me cross.

Ans if she doesn’t listen to that, then I’m calling time.

I am going to give her 1 month total from now. We’ll see what happens.

Her reaction be it emotional or not is not your responsibility remember.

Don't ASK her to stop copying!

TELL her to stop copying you because it's really annoying you!

If you value this friendship don't you think you should give her the true picture? Your proposed approach is so wet and wishy-washy I doubt she'd take it as seriously as it is. You would be guilty of deluding her.

Be frank and honest. TELL HER THE TRUTH

I remember once I was sat on the bus. I just happened to glance at the people boarding and there stood right outside the window beside me was someone wearing an identical jumper to me. They can only have got it from the exact same shop. I was mortified. I thought I was the only one that had it. I sank into the seat and pulled my coat up over my neck too embarrassed to look as they walked past me to find a seat. That’s my reaction when I realise a complete stranger has the same top as me so I can’t imagine how I’d feel at a friend doing it on purpose. You have my sympathy but I do wonder if it’s a game to her where she will just play dumb and make you look like the problem?

Blimey she sounds utterly bonkers, and utterly unhinged. I would be cutting her off sorry @Moroccomummy I have cut off/ghosted 'friends' for less!

What is 'twinning it?'

I’ve got a friend who has great taste in clothes. Sometimes I’ll ask her where she got something and get it myself. I’d be mortified to wear it in her company. Our social circles don’t overlap much either so no chance of mutuals seeing us in the same outfit. Also she’s taller than me so everything looks that bit better on her!

edit: you’re right to be annoyed and I’d distance myself if I were you

This sound utterly suffocating. Do you think she'll take it on board and stop? I hope so for your friendship but it sounds like this is ingrained behaviour which will be very hard for her to shake long term.

This would drive me fuckin bonkers too. I’m sorry she clearly has low self esteem etc but it needs to stop. I’d tell her clearly, but more gently, what you’ve said here. If she doesn’t stop the friendship would be over for me.

It's all very Single White Female isn't it? I couldn't cope with this, personally. I'd have to say something calmly but firmly and if she didn't accept it I'd have to break off the friendship.

I can see how frustrating this must be. Well done for addressing it.

I’m a crafter, start sewing your own clothes and she won’t be able to copy you!

Frame it as doing you a favour. She likes doing favours.

I wish you luck, but I think you are going to have to be blunt and firm and close down any of her attempts to minimise what she is doing or laughing it off.

Hope it goes well.

Gosh! I had a friend like this once. We were about 11 though.

how irritating

Just be clear. ‘You find it fun but it annoys me. Please will you stop? ‘

yes. It's a good idea to be well prepared.

I think it might also help if you have a concrete list of examples in mind.
Because previously she's tried to laugh it off.. and you have to say something like, that may be but... or you may think that but for me its not fun at all. and keep returning to your point until she acknowledges it.. I think she sounds like she doesn't always hear what people are actually saying to her and thinks as long as she's really nice to them, they won't be "cross" with her.

What is your plan if there is an emotional reaction? (Im not sure if you meant she has a massive crying session or can't breath or starts ranting) so I guess it depends on what type of reaction. I guess its OK for her to express herself if she's upset, but you could say I'm sorry if my telling how I feel has upset you, but believe me I've been upset by the situation too.. or something like that?

Did she have a very difficult childhood?
from what you’ve said:

• people pleaser
• Prone to being anxious and depressed when called out
• no real sense of own identity

make me think of someone with borderline personality disorder (am not a doctor, just an armchair observer). It sounds like she struggles a lot to be her own person with her own views and preferences and over compensates by going out of her way to help people. When you call her out on anything it shakes her already rocky sense of self.

fwiw I think it sounds awful and I would also be upset. I had a friend do this a bit at uni but when she started at uni she was very naive and was just developing her own sense of self, if that makes sense. She soon grew out of it and were still great friends now many years later but I was still pretty annoyed by it for a few months, and it was only a few garments.

thinking of other friends I have who are people pleasers: one was massively bullied at school and now I think does it to try and ingratiate herself with people, and one was hugely over-parentified and really struggles to put herself first.

no advice really! Just food for thought.

Urgh its like Single White Female

I was thinking this!

Or you could say you’ve been reading stuff online and realised the reason you’re unhappy is you don’t feel like an individual - so going forward your aim is to reclaim your own identity. Ask her what she thinks. Or lie and say you’ve visited a therapist to and this is their advice.

If she copies you the following week or month express disappointment and remind her of your conversation - “I thought you understood how I was feeling and wanted to support me as a friend.”

If needed, compete with her in the emotional reaction stakes. 😭😭😭 If she tries to outdo you, throw a packet of tissues at her head and leave dolly the sheep to it.

Exactly what I thought! I think other posters have said that too! 😬

I wanna go find the DVD out of the understairs cupboard now. Haven't watched that for YEARS! (Maybe 20 years!)

I have come back to this because my mum used to do this. She would put a friend on a pedestal and then try and turn into them. Her hair would be cut the same way at the same hairdresser, the house would be remodeled to include whatever the friend chose, new kitchen? Her too. Same company. My mum had a personality disorder. I wonder if your friend does too. They are very charming, but crave the high of the next new thing (shopping, clothes, attention, drugs, whatever their thing is, but it’s instant gratification all the way.) and I think your friend probably has the emotional range of a toddler to go with it. They tend to find malleable partners who do anything to keep the peace (and play helpless victim to avoid confrontation.) This woman is probably an emotional/energy vampire who demands to be your “best” friend, the one you call first, etc. She is generous with her time (driving/gifts/money, etc) but that is to foster a sense of obligation. I would put her further down the food chain and devote much more time to other friends.

Sounds like a good plan. Hopefully she listens but if not you have given her opportunity to stop before it ruins friendship.

It sounds so annoying, OP. I think I would gently say, “I’m not going to tell you where I got my shoes, you’ll be wearing them next week.” Every item she copies just refuse to give detail of where you got it (let her google search it if so keen). It depends if she is a good friend outside of this then I would be gentle but firm in not giving detail. If she isn’t a great friend for other reasons, those reasons plus this would be it for me anyway in a friendship.

I had an ex good friend do the same. She would copy how I spoke, my work outfits and my look. If I wore an orange top (the height of fashion lol) she wore one the next day. When I got a fringe, she got one. On other matters she was jealous for example DH and I bought a house and instead of saying congratulations, she said she is looking for a house but she doesn’t like the sound of mine due to a feature of the house.

She was an oddball and her copying was exhausting enough but she also was quite a rude person anyway, so the friendship was over as far as I was concerned. Wasn’t an easy decision though as I write this, there is a lot of background. And I had known her for years.

Sometimes the friendship is just done.

Serious Single White Female vibes. She's not your friend, try to escape her.

I'd tell her to fuck off, get her own identity and life and block her on everything and look into a restraining order. She's not a friend, she's a stalker.

Sketchers?!