Copycat Friend

[Moroccomummy]

My best friend is a copycat and it’s getting on my nerves. I am going to sound nasty, but I’m fed up and ready to walk away.

She copies everything I do. If I buy Sketchers, she buys Sketchers. If I buy a blue dress for an event, she buys a nearly but not quite identical dress. If I dye my hair, she asks for the colour. If I book a holiday to Crete, she wants my dates. Her favourite colour is whatever mine is. Her favourite animal is the same weird, obscure animal I’ve liked my whole life. If I change my look, she changes hers. If I decide I’m going to go boho chic, she’s suddenly boho chic. If I start collecting Cabbage Patch Kids, she starts collecting them too.

She talks of us twinning it. I can’t have anything without her asking where I got it and then going out and buying the same, wearing the same, using the same words, learning the same language, starting the same hobby…I feel like I’m not allowed my own identity. I feel like she’s stealing it. It’s embarrassing when people say ‘you two are like twins!’ Because I didn’t ask for that…but she aims for it. She suggests it to people.

I know imitation is supposed to be flattering, but I’m finding it suffocating. It’s exhausting trying to distance my self and reinvent myself to gain back an ounce of individuality, only for her to close the gap again. Not to mention expensive.

My husband also gets wound up about it. Says things like, “dont let Sam see your new trainers for gods sake”, then I find myself hiding them for as long as possible, so I can at least be seen in them first. Not because I want to be a trend setter, but because it’s embarrassing to think that other people see us together and think I’m in on this!

Tonight I’ve had enough. There’s been yet another incidence of copying and I feel beyond angry. I get that anyone can go and buy what they want and lots of people will have the same, but this is too much. I wouldn’t mind occasionally ‘Oh MoroccanMummy I love that sweater, would you mind if I got one too?’ Of course that would be fine. But I think she knows what she’s doing because she gets the same in a round about way…it was always an accident: she didn’t realise I had that sweater, or someone bought it for her by coincidence, or she already had it first and forgot. Or she sees me in it and says ‘oh I have that too’. The follows with ‘where did you get it from?’ I’m thinking - surely you know if you have it.

If I’m being unreasonable please say. It was either get really cross with her tonight or vent here. I chose vent. If I say anything, she just tells me ‘don’t be daft, no one will think that’ or ‘it’s fun!’.

I’m ready to walk away from her friendship completely.

I’d start ‘jokingly’ making comments until she gets the hint.

“Thank you, this is a nice jumper. Don’t you go getting one now hahaha.”

”Oh you got the same trainers, be careful or someone will think you’re copying me hahahaha.”

I had a friend like this when I was a teenager. It started off with copying clothes, footwear, bags and then she got her hair cut like mine, and then started copying my mannerisms and how I talk.
So I completely understand how you feel. It’s not flattering it’s just unnerving behaviour.
I sadly ended our friendship, not nice I know but I felt we were being laughed at.

It’s not OK at all and I think she knows it. It’s not flattery, it’s removing your individuality and she knows exactly what she’s doing despite her claiming innocence. If you confront her about it, she’ll act hurt no doubt and gaslight you into thinking it’s cute and you’re over reacting but you are not.

Hoping for an update on your conversation @Moroccomummy 😬. I keep coming back to check to see how it went!x

Not very well really. I’ll change a few details here although not sure of the point, it can’t get much worse so….

We meet for coffee. We chat. She showed me her new version of what I had (that she’d rushed out to get) and I just felt so angry and didn’t follow the script.

I just asked ‘why did you do that?’ She asked what and I said something along the lines of ‘get the same as me. You do it all the time. Am I allowed nothing to myself?’. I was quite agitated I admit, but not yelling or anything.

She denied. Said I don’t have monopoly on all things in this particular area. That actually she liked a lot of this first and it’s by luck that I get in there before her, she was going to get it anyway. She doesn’t have to ask my permission. Tried to change the subject by repeatedly bringing up something else that apparently she’s not happy about.

I just sat there saying not a lot and then felt I’d had enough; like I just give up and I stood up and said ‘I’m going to go’ and I left.

We haven’t spoken since. Although my mum is aware and said exactly what I knew she would about imitation being a form of flattery. Then I felt like a complete idiot trying to explain that I felt the friend is trying to steal my identity - which hearing myself did sound a bit insane.

But I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want it. I realised that she’s not my best friend as much as she annoys me. I’ve outgrown this. I am sure I will have to see her at times, but I can be civil. I don’t think there’s going back. It went too far in my own head if that makes sense.

So no but blow up fight or anything, but I don’t feel like we can come back from the conversation if that makes any sense.

I also watched Single White Female and whilst friend is not that level of sinister, I get why comparisons were drawn. That’s kind of sad.

Thanks all for your help. I doubt there will be anything else to update.

When relationships have ended, what is she usually like?

Good for you, speaking up for yourself. You knew she’d probably react like this (and you mum, too) so in your shoes I’d shrug my shoulders and leave her to it. It is ok to end friendships - and start new ones - so I’d just working on spending time with people who add colour and care to my life.

Well, I’ve only known her have one relationship end and she struggled to move on for a few years. I don’t want to say too much as that’s her business. But obviously she was very upset and it did hit her self esteem. That was a long time ago.

Oh op, its going to be difficult for you to stand strong. Wish you all the best.

I do feel sad that it’s come to this. I don’t feel good. But normally where I’d waver, I just feel a sense of resignation. I do feel a loss though - but where I wish things would have been different.

Ah, sounds like it was a hard day. Xx I think that maybe you couldn’t stick to the script because your emotions are so strong on this one. But also it seems like she has had her defence prepared just in case it ever came up. I’d be tempted to put it all in a text once you feel stronger, maybe even listing things. I had the exact same with my younger sister in our twenties and I called her out on it. She said that it’s bound to happen that we get some of the same things. I pointed out that it was everything i buy and it’s just too much. She definitely branched off after that thankfully.

Hoping you feel stronger soon anyway @Moroccomummy . My feeling is she will now play the hurt victim to deflect from the hard truth x

Sorry to hear that @Moroccomummy.

Friendships are not meant to make you feel the way you feel with this one, they are supposed to add to your life.

Your mum is not on the receiving end of it so will not see it as you experience it, your ex-friend is stealling your identity no matter how she tried to pretend otherwise.

You are bound to feel sad now but you will feel happier in the long run.

Take care of yourself and give yourself time to get over this.

Ask her to stop

Sorry, didn’t rtwt. Your friend isn’t quite right in the head is she?

Read your updates, can see it’s important to you to be different and you love your clothes etc and she’s going well out of her way to buy the same stuff, all the time. It is a pain as you feel like you have to check what they are wearing before you go anywhere.

I hope she has a think about what she’s been doing and can see how upset you are, hopefully she will stop, apologise and the relationship can be repaired in the future.

So now it’s you copying her. I love how she twisted that on you when you called her out. Total game player.

The fact she twisted it rather than admit says all you need to know. She is bad news.

She's so insecure she's in total denial. If the friendship is definitely over I'd be tempted to block her on Instagram etc too so she can't copy from a distance. Childish but still.

It sounds suffocating, to be honest. Any new interest, clothing, etc is tainted by her copying it. Well done on calling it out.

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate the help and advice. I don’t have instagram and I don’t post on my FB so that’s one less thing to worry about.
Thanks again!

Well done op for confronting her. I’m sorry all that you got was an awful defence and no accountability from her.

I also let go a copycat friend recently and feel so much better for it. I can relate to most things you have said about how it feels invasive and that she’s trying to take over your personality. She has also just shown you that she is lying to herself and trying to manipulate you into thinking that you are actually copying her. That’s pretty messed up. My ex friend certainly has some kind of personality disorder and it’s worth bearing that in mind because it’s a lot to deal with as you are experiencing.

What helped me is that I listed all the times I can remember that she copied me or tried to quiz me and belittle me on a new interest. It was enlightening reading it all back.