To think I might have ADHD or something similar?

[Eliza342]

I’m 40 years old and for most of my life I’ve never considered I might have anything like this.

I was high achieving at school and university, and have a professional job that is busy and stressful. I’ve never had a problem with this type of job and have actually thrived in fast paced, challenging environments in the past.

However, since having children, I have noticed myself feeling different inside my brain than I used to. It’s hard to explain the feeling but I solo parent a lot due to my partner’s work patterns. This means I often do a full-time week at work most of the pick ups and drop-offs/bedtime and sometimes solo parent through the weekend too. Not always this bad but some variation of this is common.

my kids are 6 and 3 so reasonably intense. The younger one has been much more challenging than her big sister so going from 1 kid to 2 has felt like a big change. We don’t have any family or other help so it’s quite relentless.

It sounds weird but my brain feels like it’s shutting down. It becomes a monumental effort just to keep functioning and make sure they are properly cared for. I often feel overwhelmed by parenting. I feel like I need to go into a separate room and lie in the dark. It’s like I’m over stimulated or something. It’s also difficult with personal space - they’re in my face a lot. This weekend I found myself wanting to recoil when one of them jumped on me and rubbed her sticky lolly hands in my hair.

My husband thinks it’s just parenting and everyone feels like this but I look around at other parents and they don’t seem so pent up all the time and actually enjoying their time with their kids. I do find enjoyment in parenting sometimes but I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

Sorry this is a stream of consciousness but I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced anything like this or anyone out there who has ADHD can identify with this at all?

I should add that in another ways I don’t display ADHD symptoms. I’m reasonably well organised and don’t have an issue meeting deadlines. I have struggled more with my concentration since Covid that I can also be very focused when I get into a task.

I have ADHD and don’t relate to your description but everyone is different.

I hear you. I could have written this myself.

No symptoms of ADHD up until having children. Maybe some procrastination with uni essays etc but nothing extreme. Since having children I feel that my brain is so overwhelmed with thoughts I can’t think at all.

I don’t have the answers but you are not alone.

I hate this being trotted out all the time, but... perimenopause.

I feel similar. I think in my case it's not helped by constant overstimulation from juggling home, life, children etc. Sensory overload of noise and demands on my memory, concentration, time keeping etc. Before children I had more opportunities to naturally self regulate that I don't get now.

I don't have a diagnosis.

But if it was that why don’t I get it at work? It seems to be specifically connected to parenting.

my mum just says that not everybody has cut out for motherhood and I shouldn’t worry about it!

That sounds like stress.
ADHD is lifelong and to be diagnosed it needs to be having a significant impact on your life. Sounds like you were doing fine before parenting. I think a lot of adults are being misdiagnosed with ADHD and autism and I find it quite harmful to those who have the conditions. Autism in particular was previously recognised as a serious, debilitating condition but I think the struggles are minimised now and we have phrases like 'everyone's a bit autistic' flying around.

ADHD isn't selective - you are just struggling with an objectively boring and challenged thing.

The next generation of kids (raised to never ever be bored) will not be able to have kids themselves imo.

Its not adhd. Its parenting. Some people deal better than others. Chuck in hormones banging about and its a perfect storm. I dont think I could have cope well with young kids in my 40s as I need lots of down time these days

I have adhd and like a pp, I don't relate to your description.

It isn't for me to say that you do or don't have adhd, but to meet the diagnostic criteria, you need to have experienced symptoms before the age of 12 and in more than one setting.

Honestly, it just sounds like you're stressed and maybe a bit burnt out?

This is absolutely true and I was doing fine before becoming a parent. I feel like parenting has broken me and I don’t know why.

Did you have any post natal depression OP? I wonder if what you have is an extension of that, or an anxiety related to parenting? how long has this gone on for?

Initially, I'd speak to your GP for bloods to check its not a deficiency causing anxiety. Anaemia, thyroid issues, Vit D deficiency or something else organic and fixable causing the stress. You could ask for a 'well woman' check at 40 and raise your concerns with you GP. Best of luck.

I have ADHD and ASD and whilst I relate to parts, I don’t relate to it just coming on when having children. For me I have always struggled hugely with various things, in childhood and adulthood. There’s also a lot more to it than what you describe. To have ADHD you’d have to have been impacted in childhood.

This is a good way to describe it. I was trying to explain that I was overwhelmed both by parenting itself and holding all this information in my head the whole time - all the stuff I might be at risk of forgetting at any one time. It’s like my brain has run out of capacity and is giving up.

I would agree similarly to others, I have adhd but knew this long before having a child.
What you’re describing definitely sounds more like being burnt out and overstimulated by your children which can feel completely overwhelming and horrendous, but I think is pretty common in motherhood. Neurotypical mum friends have mentioned having the same experience.

In truth my biggest fear is that I’m just not a very good mum and that all the criticism from older family members might be true!

It's hard work. We just don't show it in public much. I get overstimulated with it all. I absolutely love bed time when I get to just be alone without them touching me and being noisy. To the outside world though I look like I'm loving patenting and having loads of fun with it.

Absolutely not!! you sound like you’re doing amazing and working so hard to get everything right and maybe a bit too self critical- are you a bit of a perfectionist? As this is something I’ve struggled with trying to let go in motherhood.

It’s easy to say but really try not to compare yourself to others as you never know what someone else is really feeling and they’re probably looking at you too thinking you’ve got it together. I genuinely think we’re all winging it and I struggle with one child, let alone two!!

Sounds like exhaustion, brain fog, peri menopause, it takes a long time for the brain to adjust to having children.
Try a vitamin and b12 treatment, take some time for yourself, your brain has worked very hard, meditation helps too.

I am a bit of a perfectionist. But have tried hard to let that go a bit. By nature I’m tidy and I like a tidy house and plenty of peace and quiet. Obviously these things are impossible when you’re a parent.
I enjoy my own company which I rarely get any opportunity to have now. I really look forward to my commute to listen to a podcast and be on my own or if I ever have to do a long car journey on my own it feels like a holiday!

I guess I just never thought it would be like this ☹️

I think the best thing to do is to do some reading OP, maybe take some screening tests. It's very hard to guess from what you've said. Look at ASD in women also.

No-one is a super Mum.
Loads of fakers out there.
I'm sure your DC adore you, ignore the idiots, your DC are very young, it is survival time.

Not sure if this is relevant enough to help but women’s brains shrink by 5% in the third trimester of every pregnancy - see the book “Eve” by Cat Bohannon. They regain their full size once the child is here and evolutionary scientists believe we have developed this ability to shrink our brains in order to make space for all the new stuff we have to learn as a result of having children. Trouble is there is way more stuff to learn than there used to be and my theory is 5% is no longer enough! Maybe that explains it?

Two things occur to me when read your post.

One is that you could be an introvert , so the relentless omnipresence of small children is very overwhelming.

Two is the mental load, which you carry and your husband doesnt.

I definitely am similar and need time alone to recharge, but I didn’t really consider this when becoming a mum.
Maybe you could try loop earplugs to help when you’re feeling overstimulated?

What did you think it would be like? (Genuine q as I am interested in why people are surprised it's a drudge).