To think I might have ADHD or something similar?

[Eliza342]

I’m 40 years old and for most of my life I’ve never considered I might have anything like this.

I was high achieving at school and university, and have a professional job that is busy and stressful. I’ve never had a problem with this type of job and have actually thrived in fast paced, challenging environments in the past.

However, since having children, I have noticed myself feeling different inside my brain than I used to. It’s hard to explain the feeling but I solo parent a lot due to my partner’s work patterns. This means I often do a full-time week at work most of the pick ups and drop-offs/bedtime and sometimes solo parent through the weekend too. Not always this bad but some variation of this is common.

my kids are 6 and 3 so reasonably intense. The younger one has been much more challenging than her big sister so going from 1 kid to 2 has felt like a big change. We don’t have any family or other help so it’s quite relentless.

It sounds weird but my brain feels like it’s shutting down. It becomes a monumental effort just to keep functioning and make sure they are properly cared for. I often feel overwhelmed by parenting. I feel like I need to go into a separate room and lie in the dark. It’s like I’m over stimulated or something. It’s also difficult with personal space - they’re in my face a lot. This weekend I found myself wanting to recoil when one of them jumped on me and rubbed her sticky lolly hands in my hair.

My husband thinks it’s just parenting and everyone feels like this but I look around at other parents and they don’t seem so pent up all the time and actually enjoying their time with their kids. I do find enjoyment in parenting sometimes but I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

Sorry this is a stream of consciousness but I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced anything like this or anyone out there who has ADHD can identify with this at all?

I should add that in another ways I don’t display ADHD symptoms. I’m reasonably well organised and don’t have an issue meeting deadlines. I have struggled more with my concentration since Covid that I can also be very focused when I get into a task.

I could have written this, im also in my 40s and monumentally struggling since I had my child, feel like my brain barely works now. I'm awaiting assessment for adhd, the difference being that I have had struggles before but I made it through, now I just can't. I should mention that I saw a psychiatrist about 8 years ago because nothing was helping with my depression after many years and many different antidepressants, they said they thought i had a touch of adhd then but I didn't want to believe it at the time. Now it's talked about much more i have been able to accept that I likely do. My DS is also awaiting autism assessment (too young for adhd yet) so I don't think im jumping on a band wagon.

I also could have written this. I’m fine at work and enjoy the routine. Parenting has become a major ball ache (mine are older at 16 and 13 but both ND). I’m also perimenopausal and just want to get in the car and go far away, with a book ALONE. I feel I’m better at work because people don’t ask me stupid questions constantly. Both of my kids have phones but ask me all of the questions they could easily google and then DP asks what the weathers doing tomorrow and I lose my shit. Parenting is ALOT. I’d love a week where I can eat what I want, when I want without concerning myself with others. Do what I want and not have to do things I don’t want to do just to placate others. Sleep whenever the fancy takes and just get some peace. Sadly not going to happen anytime soon!

It does not sound at all like ADHD. I don't even think perimenopause as that affects you at work and at home too. Are you introverted? My husband is totally on it at work but can't cope with kids stuff very well, especially clubs, parties, playdates. His batteries get spent and he has to have quiet time to recharge. He gets over stimulated and burns out. He's never been good with chit chat or meeting new people and not good with repetitive play that kids do.
I suggest you schedule in some quiet time alone from time to time, out of the house.

This is me to a T. I really struggle with those things. The round robin of toddler parties standing in a church hall making small talk with people I don’t know - makes me shudder. I always offer to help with tidying up or something so I don’t have to talk to people.

if my husband isn’t working I get him to do the play dates and parties!

You seem to be suffering from overload, giving your all to a stressful job then when you get home and try to switch to something else your brain says no, enough, I liken it to a computer stalling and when my brain stalls I can often be sat knowing what needs doing, but not having the mental energy to do it. You need a reboot and a better work life balance, as is all too common.

I think I have ADHD but I don’t relate to your description. With me it’s one of those things that when you look back there were always signs it’s just more apparent now because of becoming overwhelmed more by the children. I believe with ADHD you don’t just suddenly get it.

To all those people saying I need to make him step up. I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work.

For example:

1. A new broadband provider laid their services in our road. He wanted to switch over because they were offering an introductory deal and the internet would faster. I was happy with the service we had but said that if he wanted to get it was on him to organise and then remember to renegotiate/move provider when the initial contract ended and the rate went up. He assured me he would. He didn’t. First I knew of it was when I saw £157 instead of £50 go out of our account and queried it with him. He showed no inclination to sort it out and kept saying he would then not doing it. In the end I had to sort it to avoid us paying £157 indefinitely.
2. I asked him to do the ballot for and organise DD’s afterschool clubs. He remembered to bid for them but then forgot to pay so the school gave the places to someone else meaning DD was the only kid in her class with no clubs.
3. He kept forgetting to bid for his own annual leave (it’s quite a specific process where you bid up to a year in advance). It’s opens on a specific day and he just kept missing it so we didn’t even get a family holiday one year because everyone else got in there first. He’s got a bit better with this over the years but I still have to ask him about it as I can’t trust him to remember.

These aren’t the only examples (there are loads) but I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that it’s less stressful to do it myself!

OP enjoy your time alone, I could have written this myself. I just think parenting is extremely hard work, especially with all the things we have to remember for them and our own lives.

@Eliza342 I think it’s your husband who has ADHD! He can’t complete a task.

anyway, I came on to say this just sounds like overwhelm from parenting and you need to ask for help, change some aspects and take back some ‘me’ time. This week when you’re off, get a massage booked, go to some cafes, go to the cinema. Pretend you’re a free agent again.

@Soontobe60is totally correct. Take back a bit of control of your life. Delegate tasks. I’m dealing with teens and it just gets worse! I learned early on that not many mothers admit that they struggle. But when you find some that do, they are moany bastards and we’re all in the same boat! It’s boring being a parent. You become a servant but you shouldn’t be the servant to your husband too. You’ve got this. Book a holiday with a friend and go off for a weekend break. Put these critical grandparents to good use and leave them to babysit.

We don't have any grandparents who can babysit. We don't see one side and on the other side it’s just my mum who has mobility issues and can’t manage babysitting. I’m an only child.

I think some of it is the unrealistic presentation of everything as 'making memories' etc and placing children at the centre of everything.

Kids of past generations were told to go off and play quietly to a much greater extent.

It will get easier. You are just about out of the early years.

Personally I don't see the problem in saying 'mummy needs a bit of quiet time' or such like. We seem to have introduced an unrealistic expectation of total self sacrifice but it's not useful to kids if they end up with burned out mothers.

On a practical level, can you make sure the bedtime routine is nailed so you do get down time?

Could you take five minutes to sit in the car before pick up and do a couple of breathing exercises, have a Mumsnet scroll - just appreciate quiet for a minute or so.

Do also get your iron levels checked as it makes you feel a bit zoned out and fuzzy.

Your husband is useless, have you told your MIL that?

I get you - the party thing really resonated with me, I dread them. Also work full time with two kids, my partner is fortunately fairly capable but I'm still utterly burnt out. I've also been wondering about adhd as I'm all over the place, can't focus on a task, forget things immediately - and now on HRT as figured it might be the menopause, but not really helped. But like you I was fine before so probably stress more than anything else.

Worrying about being a good mum is a sign that you are a good mum.
I have always struggled with feeling im not good enough as a mum, but i think there is so much expectation these days, with social media and images people create of their lives, that it is almost impossible to live up to the expectations we put on ourselves to be the ideal parent. Kids dont need perfection, they just need love and to feel safe and valued. I struggled with this for a long time, my kids are 7, 5 and 1, and now I'm not so concerned, because although I often forget important things like when they have PE, or if they asked me for a drink an hour ago and ive gone on a distraction adventure, they won't hold it against me, and I know the important things like them feeling able to come to me with a problem or them growing in confidence trying something new is what they will remember growing up. I cant stand being mum sometimes, I started working part time just to get some space, but parenting is HARD, and it sounds like your doing a great job, you seem have a lot on your plate, and seem burnt out. Its hard to find time to unwind or do anything you enjoy with little ones to look after but anything small can help.

I think your problem is your husband being totally useless. It's hard work juggling everything for a stressful job, house, and kids without adding in another adult who creates problems rather than solving them.

I don't think you can develop ADHD later in life, it's something you are born with.

I completely relate to what you are saying though. I only had one child because the added noise, chatter and lack of personal space has really affected me. I feel so stressed doing simple things like getting ready to leave the house, I think it's taking years off my life.

I think it is some kind of sensory overload. The level of touch, noise, interaction is completely unprecedented before you have a child. And there is no way I could have known that it would affect me in this way!

I've been away on my own a couple of times for work and I just can't believe how calm I feel.

You sound desperate to put a label on yourself. Parenting is hard it doesn’t mean you have ADHD. Lots of people, myself included, struggle in the same way you do but that doesn’t mean we need a diagnosis. Stop looking for an excuse and just get on with it.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at 45, still waiting on my autism assessment, and it's difficult to know. As people said it could be stress, perimenopause, depression, but something has flicked a switch and it sounds like maybe sensory overload. Best to start with your GP, record your symptoms to take to them, and see what they think.

I've not rtft but just wanted to say what your mil said was awful, and clearly not true. You sound like a lovely mum who just finds it all a bit much at times - which is the same as everyone else! X

Rather than looking for a label or reason, can you focus instead on ways to improve your day to day?

One example is making sure you’re up 30 mins before kids - I drink a tea in the quiet, attempt some meditation, just think about my day. Really helps with the rest of the day.

Bigger picture: do you have commitments you can cut down on or remove? What can you do to simplify your life.

Can you build in other decompression breaks eg even if it’s just 10 minutes in work car park before you ou key in ignition.

Can you afford some help?? A regular babysitter / childminder / weekend sitter so that you have some alone time. An hour in a swimming pool saved my sanity more than once.

Rather than looking for a label or reason, can you focus instead on ways to improve your day to day?

One example is making sure you’re up 30 mins before kids - I drink a tea in the quiet, attempt some meditation, just think about my day. Really helps with the rest of the day.

Bigger picture: do you have commitments you can cut down on or remove? What can you do to simplify your life.

Can you build in other decompression breaks eg even if it’s just 10 minutes in work car park before you ou key in ignition.

Can you afford some help?? A regular babysitter / childminder / weekend sitter so that you have some alone time. An hour in a swimming pool saved my sanity more than once.