To think I might have ADHD or something similar?

[Eliza342]

I’m 40 years old and for most of my life I’ve never considered I might have anything like this.

I was high achieving at school and university, and have a professional job that is busy and stressful. I’ve never had a problem with this type of job and have actually thrived in fast paced, challenging environments in the past.

However, since having children, I have noticed myself feeling different inside my brain than I used to. It’s hard to explain the feeling but I solo parent a lot due to my partner’s work patterns. This means I often do a full-time week at work most of the pick ups and drop-offs/bedtime and sometimes solo parent through the weekend too. Not always this bad but some variation of this is common.

my kids are 6 and 3 so reasonably intense. The younger one has been much more challenging than her big sister so going from 1 kid to 2 has felt like a big change. We don’t have any family or other help so it’s quite relentless.

It sounds weird but my brain feels like it’s shutting down. It becomes a monumental effort just to keep functioning and make sure they are properly cared for. I often feel overwhelmed by parenting. I feel like I need to go into a separate room and lie in the dark. It’s like I’m over stimulated or something. It’s also difficult with personal space - they’re in my face a lot. This weekend I found myself wanting to recoil when one of them jumped on me and rubbed her sticky lolly hands in my hair.

My husband thinks it’s just parenting and everyone feels like this but I look around at other parents and they don’t seem so pent up all the time and actually enjoying their time with their kids. I do find enjoyment in parenting sometimes but I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

Sorry this is a stream of consciousness but I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced anything like this or anyone out there who has ADHD can identify with this at all?

I should add that in another ways I don’t display ADHD symptoms. I’m reasonably well organised and don’t have an issue meeting deadlines. I have struggled more with my concentration since Covid that I can also be very focused when I get into a task.

I think this is probably fair. He’s a great dad in terms of actual parenting. When he’s not working he’s willing to devote basically all his time to kids and will endlessly take them to the park, build dens, do crafts, is always involved with bedtime etc.

But he does no thinking. Not one single thing. If it wasn’t for me they wouldn’t have gone to school because he’d never have remembered when he needed to apply by, they wouldn't have the right uniform, there’d be no swimming lessons because he’d never get around to organising any. He admitted to me once he doesn’t ever worry about anything and doesn’t find himself with much to think about most of the time. I just can’t imagine that when my brain is on fire with everything I need to do!

I’ve done this. Had blood tests for basically everything and it was all normal.

I thought it would be hard work but I thought it would be fun too. I never thought it would cause my brain to shut down and make me feel like I’m dying - I didn’t even know that feeling existed back then!

Ah well to be fair it is sort of odd how many people do it multiple times so I can see why more is assumed. I think probably the hormones plus exhaustion, as above, are big factors and hopefully that will improve.

The biggest thing for me is just you aren't like that in work.

When a child gets referred, to even get a referral the symptoms have to be across 2 areas / settings. Like home and school.

It sounds like youre overwhelmed with parenting and being a mum. Can you join some parent groups so you can share your feelings, often knowing other mums understands a lot.

I have ADHD and parenting has been really difficult. Extremely challenging at times.

Although its unlikely you have ADHD it wouldnt hurt to look into some coping strategies for ADHD and Autism that might help. They're universal tools that any one can use

Could be some anxiety/ stress/ exhaustion/ depression compounded by the boring thankless parts of parenting alone.

I was finding myself paralysed into inaction with anxiety and I have discovered in the last year that going jogging once a week (I go in a forest) keeps me mentally pretty OK. When I don't go (like now in school summer holidays ) the anxiety/inaction starts to build again. I really don't think it's about having time to myself - a day relaxing on my own watching TV is no help at all - I think it's something about the physical effect of exercise on my body/brain/hormones.

If you used to exercise but no longer do because of your home responsibilities I would urge you to make it a priority even once a week for a couple of months and see if it helps.

I’ve noticed if I keep up with regular running and some you tube yoga in the evening when they’re asleep it seems to help but the last few nights I’ve felt so overwhelmed by everything I couldn’t face doing it and by the time I’ve got everything sorted it was too late.

I think this is just getting older, parenting, possible shifting hormones. You might also just be the sort of person who needs a bit more space. Make a plan with your dh to give you more time off from the kids to recharge yourself.

Nothing can prepare you for parenthood, and for me the biggest change was going from one to two. You think you've nailed it and then #2 comes along and brings a whole new set of challenges.

It is absolutely overwhelming and relentless. Some days I wake up and don't know how I'm going to get through the day with them. But you do, and you just keep going. But it's so hard and you feel bad for thinking like this but it is just relentless.

Good news is that the little one is back at nursery today and the big one is off to holiday club. I’m not back at work until next Monday so I have these precious 4 days as my first time off without the kids, well, ever. Going to sort out all their drawers to get rid of clothes they’ve grown out of, declutter the house, box up toys for my cousin who’s having a baby, clear out my home office and do all their filing for my business. Oh and sort a new curtain pole for my bedroom window as it decided to fall down last night!

Feeling the press of having to get everything done in these 4 days! 😫

*pressure

Your mother has a point. Life with a full time job, absent partner and 2 small kids is exhausting! Throw perimenopause into the mix and it’s bloody hard work.
The thing is, with your job you’re in control, you make the decisions and there’s usually no surprises. With children it’s a whole other ball game. They have a tendency to be spontaneous, physical, hyperactive, argumentative, demanding and invade your space all the time. In other words, you’re not in charge!!!
What you see happening with other mothers isn’t necessarily the full story. Us mothers get very good at ‘coping’ for the outside world whilst inside we just want to hide away in a dark room with a large vodka and big bar of chocolate.
Don’t worry too much, it will pass (once the children leave home😂).

I’m the mum to a child with ADHD and autism and while you might have either one of those things, I suspect that you may not.

Instead, I would say that what you are struggling with is overwhelm (which isn’t confined to autism) and the lack of structure while having kids compared to the workplace. It requires a lot of self-perpetuated executive function skills to be a parent.

What I would suggest you do is see if your DH would be up for a weekly household meeting where you discuss everything that needs to be done in terms of household admin (paying bills, making decisions). The fact of that meeting will get you “preparing” for it and get rid of the nagging feeling you have forgotten something. Also look into getting a “home” notebook for the runs you have to remember.

For the house, consider a coaching platform like Flylady or The Organised Mum. Sit down with your weekly diary and work out exactly when you are going to do the tasks you deem important, eg;

Monday - check email from school, write new dates on calendar. Look at calendar for the week.

Tuesday - Fill up car and do food shop.

I don’t know when you’re at work so this will be very personal to you.

Your parents will have forgotten how overwhelming this is, or they may have had a greater support network or a more present DH.

Good knows I am far from perfect on this front. But I keep my sense of self by reminding myself that other people may have better household management skills than me, I have my own things that I’m good at, and I’m doing the best I can.

Also - the summer holidays are nearly over. Everyone with small kids is burned out..

Stop enabling him then! He’s not doing it because you are.
When my DC were little, I decided I wasn’t going to do everything just because I’d given birth to them. So I explained to DH that if he wanted his children to do sports clubs - which he did - he had to organise them. I had nothing to do with it.
I also explained that I would no longer be doing anyone’s washing except my own. He quickly took over that task once he ran out of clean clothes. So for the past 25 years he’s done all the laundry. I put my dirty clothes in the laundry basket and it reappears washed and ironed on the bed by the end of the week.
He took over the task of the weekly food shop, all the vacuuming, car jobs and many other things. The only thing he doesn’t do is the finances - that’s my job.

Don't do all those things on your list , just do a few and the rest of the time read , sit in silence or exercise. Been a mum is hard relentless work and having older members of your family criticise you will be making it all the harder. You are a working mum to young children, so its all about survival at the moment. Get your support from here not your unsupportive extended family and know that you are giving your children the best start in life. Carve out quiet time for yourself to rest , think and plan. We are all in the trenches when you have young kids but you'll get through it as long as you use coping strategies. I used to make lots of excuses to spend time upstairs on my own like doing jobs or sleeping a headache off just to get alone time and quiet .

Adhd and autism are neurodevelopmental conditions, which mean they would have been there since birth.

There's no way the symptoms could have hidden themselves until adulthood and post children.

Likely you just struggle to adjust to the challenges of parenthood without mu h support. It's tempting to want a label bit sometimes life is just shit.

It sounds to me that you are simply an introvert

This weekend I found myself wanting to recoil when one of them jumped on me and rubbed her sticky lolly hands in my hair

I'm not surprised, why would you want this?
Mine would be told a firm no

No I do not tolerate, climbing, jumping on me, hitting me Etc

I was very firm about boundaries and respect for others
We had quiet time after lunch, bed time routine helped and I was very firm
I know it's not fashionable to say no but essentially I was a much calmer parent as a result

Nailed it!

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much this thread is helping me. I feel seen! 🤣

I'd say you probably don't have ADHD but you DEFINITELY need more support from your partner. Parenting and working is full on, no wonder you feel like you do when you do so much by yourself. Is there any way your partner can change hours to help out a bit more?

This.

If you've never had problems or any impact on your life until you are 40 it's not ADHD.

To get a diagnosis you must have had persistent issues as a child.

I'm autistic and awaiting an ADHD assessment. I have never held down any kind of fast-paced, high stress job, and have had symptoms since childhood. I totally relate to your description of parenting being that level of overwhelming but I don't think it screams ND to me, more that your situation sounds absolutely relentless - I don't think any of us is designed to work full time and do that much solo parenting with so little support.

I'm a couple of years older than you, and I found that my ability to cope with demands decreased a lot from my late 30s. I recently started HRT and I noticed a difference in my mood and ability to cope within days.

Enjoy your days to yourself - don't do all those jobs today though that sounds crazy! Just enjoy doing whatever without any demands on you and without anyone interrupting you x

ADHD has to have been present in some form since childhood and across nearly all domains of life (except interest-based activities and potentially some masking - but you generally can't be ADHD in some environments and not others).

Sounds more likely to be autism than ADHD? That being said, modern parenting is so intense and the expectations are so high, I think the vast majority of parents (neurodivergent or neurotypical) feel like this. I certainly recognised the feeling touched out and wanting my children to get out my face sometimes.

I second the poster above who mentioned you possibly being an introvert. I'm dealing with similar issues (job, even more kids, husband with a phd in weaponised incompetence) and although I love my children I really need my time off. In practice this means that my office time is 'me time'. I go in really early in the morning to have 3 cups of tea in silence and this allows me to keep my sanity. Before kids I would never think so much about being an introvert, but I've come to realise that whole days of interacting with ppl is what makes me exhausted/no longer able to think straight. I need some quiet 'me time' to get my thoughts together every day. Very difficult in the holidays when I'm around my kids 24/7.