To think I might have ADHD or something similar?

[Eliza342]

I’m 40 years old and for most of my life I’ve never considered I might have anything like this.

I was high achieving at school and university, and have a professional job that is busy and stressful. I’ve never had a problem with this type of job and have actually thrived in fast paced, challenging environments in the past.

However, since having children, I have noticed myself feeling different inside my brain than I used to. It’s hard to explain the feeling but I solo parent a lot due to my partner’s work patterns. This means I often do a full-time week at work most of the pick ups and drop-offs/bedtime and sometimes solo parent through the weekend too. Not always this bad but some variation of this is common.

my kids are 6 and 3 so reasonably intense. The younger one has been much more challenging than her big sister so going from 1 kid to 2 has felt like a big change. We don’t have any family or other help so it’s quite relentless.

It sounds weird but my brain feels like it’s shutting down. It becomes a monumental effort just to keep functioning and make sure they are properly cared for. I often feel overwhelmed by parenting. I feel like I need to go into a separate room and lie in the dark. It’s like I’m over stimulated or something. It’s also difficult with personal space - they’re in my face a lot. This weekend I found myself wanting to recoil when one of them jumped on me and rubbed her sticky lolly hands in my hair.

My husband thinks it’s just parenting and everyone feels like this but I look around at other parents and they don’t seem so pent up all the time and actually enjoying their time with their kids. I do find enjoyment in parenting sometimes but I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

Sorry this is a stream of consciousness but I’m wondering whether anyone else has experienced anything like this or anyone out there who has ADHD can identify with this at all?

I should add that in another ways I don’t display ADHD symptoms. I’m reasonably well organised and don’t have an issue meeting deadlines. I have struggled more with my concentration since Covid that I can also be very focused when I get into a task.

I don't think it is neurodivergence. I think you are simply overwhelmed.

I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

You need to reduce the demands on you. Why is it all on you? Share some of the domestic burden, or outsource it if your DP won't adapt. I hesitate to suggest working part-time - why should it be your career that takes the hit?

Its not adhd. If it was adhd itd of effected you from day dot.
You are overwhelmed, its very different.

For it to be ADHD, would have had to be there in childhood too, before the age of 12

I’m actually pretty strict. I mean by my generation’s standard I guess. I told her off but it’s just the involuntarily physical reaction I have to them sometimes that worries me.

my mother in law says I’m a terrible excuse for a mother and I guess I hear that in my head when I’m struggling.

This. The fact that you have never considered it, or even that anything was amiss until after your children were born would indicate it’s not a lifelong condition.

I would be speaking to the GP about potential depression in your shoes tbh

I'm really sorry your MIL said that to you. That's awful.

OP I’ve been reading thus thread thinking I completely remember those days. I used to put mine to bed and go into my bedroom in the dark and lie down for a bit to have some quiet!

You sound knackered

Your DH may be great with the kids but he also needs to support you. He can deal with some of the admin if life. He’s letting you do it all.

Then I got to your last post and your MIL’s comments.

“my mother in law says I’m a terrible excuse for a mother and I guess I hear that in my head when I’m struggling.”

WTAF. How dare she! It’s clearly not true.

I’m really cross on your behalf!

I think i was in survival mode for about the first 9 years of parenting+ full time work. I was either full on manic, or numb. My brain constantly felt like stuff was falling out and I had to run to keep hold of it all. Dc2 was also a nightmare, so I had constant guilt that having 2 kids had ruined everything.

It gets a lot better and lot easier as they get older. The teen years have been my payback for pretty awful toddler and small child years. We're a household that likes its own space, so everyone can shuffle off to their own room now, but still come together for meals and films. And I'm writing this, having just been for a run and now drinking coffee, whilst the dc are still asleep.

I have ADHD, and key aspect is needing to have showed signs throughout life. I have always had struggles and like others can't relate to your story. However parenting is a totally different struggle to working and a very different environment. You are doing more organising, and planning and looks for hazards etc. Its been proven that having children permanently changes our brains. I would go to the GP but not about ADHD as I highly doubt you would meet the criteria.

Parenting us really difficult, it's OK to be totally overwhelmed. I know that doesn't help but I think 98% of parents feel like that.

Honestly OP, you sound like me but in my case, I got a dog, not kids. I think for me, it's a case of me being a big introvert who needs my own space, and also not realising that I find looking after something else to be too much mental load and too overstimulating with the noise, the smells, the neediness.

I don't think it's ADHD, I think we just have a low threshold for overstimulation.

Sounds like stress/burnout to me. I guess at work you’re confident you know what you’re doing as you have a proven record of success there. At home you’re doubting yourself and feeling overwhelmed. I think quite a lot of people find this.

I think the everyone is a bit autistic is a people misquoting the phrase that everyone has traits of autism. The point being that people do generally have traits, but in isolation these do not mean you are autistic.

Doesn't sound like ADHD, you aren't mentioning any symptoms you'd associate with that really, and apart from anything else that's something you have from childhood, so you'd see a pattern.,

This is mostly likely stress and overwhelm - so do take action before it becomes burn out

Also worth considering if it's peri-menopause, and getting your bloods done to check things like iron levels and thyroid

I am similar and consider myself sensitive rather than in any way neurodivergent. I also find some aspects of parenting challenging, especially if I'm sleep deprived or don't get any time to myself. I identified particularly with the recoiling from sticky hands! Personally I think it's fine to set boundaries with your kids around things you don't like - I have a 4yo and a 2yo and I tell them when I don't want them to jump on me, smear food on me etc. Of course it still happens, and I don't yell at them or anything if it does, but it's part of their learning how to get along with people. Most people won't want to be jumped on or smeared! It sounds like you need to carve out regular time for yourself, and be more accepting of your boundaries and assertive with them. Just because some mums don't mind mess, smearing and general chaos doesn't mean that has to work for you. My older child in particular is very similar to me and I think really benefits from the way I model boundary setting with him - he's naturally assertive about not wanting to be touched/jumped on etc with his little brother and friends.

Your husband isn't carrying any of the mental load because he doesn't have to, not because he isn't able to. He's a grown man who can hold down a job, he would have twigged that his kids needed to go to school.

You need to share the load with him.

I have ADHD and have had burnout - it sounds more like burnout to me.

We're meant to have children young when the nurturing instinct is stronger. Mine has gone completely!

Your MIL sounds a pill.

I mean... might be?

I have late-diagnosed ADHD and autism, though in my case the autistic traits at least were clearly evident from early childhood.

I coped in an atypical but broadly ok way into adulthood, and even once my first child came along (I now realise she is also likely ND but she was very easy, rule-abiding etc from day dot). I thought I'd cracked it so TTC no. 2. But then I had twins and all the accommodations I had subtly made for myself over time, vanished. The house isn't quiet enough, ever. I can't have the time to myself that I need, or control over things like volume and personal space. There is an endless stream of household/school/life crap that needs doing, so my limited bandwidth for "life admin" gets pushed and used up daily, often while a chorus of shouting/Taylor Swift/Paw Patrol plays in the background.

My husband is similar to yours, but there's lots that he just doesn't do. I don't know if I want to stay married at this point, but is all the above minus the benefit of his salary easier/harder/better/more honest? Who knows.

Basically - some ND cope fine until children because as adults we can curate our lives and sort out what are now termed accommodations for ourselves consciously or otherwise. But then kids come along and the sleep/food/quiet/movement/whatever that you need isn't available anymore, and the load on you is higher, and you can't keep up anymore.

No idea if this is you, but it's certainly me.

To add:

If I were you I'd imagine you do now have an ADHD diagnosis - what would you be doing differently? Other than medication, what changes would you be making? More childcare? Less work (you or DH)? More automation of meals/routine/whatever? Buying more kids' clothes so you aren't a one-woman launderette? Hiring a professional declutterer?

Whatever it is, do that.

I could have written this. Except I am also highly disorganised, poor memory, struggle with emotional regulation, procrastination due to overwhelm, poor time management, get fixated or obsessive about certain things (often at the expense of things I should be doing) for short bursts or time... and I feel like a lot of this has gotten significantly worse since I had children.

When I think back - emotional dysregulation has been with me since childhood. I was (wrongly) diagnosed as bipolar in my late teens... that was fun.

I have been wondering about going to the GP, but I don't know what the point would be in being diagnosed really? In the meantime I am trying to put my own coping mechanisms in place and learning to understand myself better.

I hope you can get to the bottom of your struggles Op. It isn't a great way to feel day-to-day, so you have my sympathy!

my mother in law says I’m a terrible excuse for a mother and I guess I hear that in my head when I’m struggling.

Because you kept working in your career, rather than give it all up to focus on serving your dh and your dc? Or because you had girls, rather than a son you could bring up to be as incapable as hers?

I've never heard anyone say this before. People usually talk about how much more patience older parents have. I had a DC in my early 20s and 1 in my mid 30s. I had a lot more patience with the 1st and enjoyed it more but I thought my experience was against the norm.

Excellent post. I agree with all of that.

OP have you ever spent a night or two away on your own. I find being away means I think less about jobs I need to do and it's really rejuvenating. It's worth the investment as I'm worried otherwise you might burn out completely.

Yes me too. Some real food for thought in here, thank you!

No never. I haven’t spent a night away since the youngest was born. Maybe I should

Time away is fine but unless you make your DH step up and do some of the thinking you are going to right back in the same place after a few months.