To think it takes real strength for a woman to stay single, in a world where so many people settle just to say they have someone?

[TheRubyMentor]

I see so many people rushing into relationships that don’t actually make them happy, just so they can say they’re in one. It feels like society still values having a partner over choosing the right one and a lot of people end up in situations they’re not truly happy in.

Meanwhile, a woman who stays single because she refuses to settle, often gets questioned, pitied or told she’s “too picky.” But isn’t it actually a sign of strength to hold out for something meaningful rather than just grabbing onto anything?

Has anyone else noticed this or do you think I’m being unfair?

I think if you really want and love children and want the best life for them too (genes, temperament, family structure) it makes you pickier. The thing is I'm willing to forgo them completely if I can't give them a good life by my definition. I am not willing to have children at any cost.

That sounds amazing to me!

At times I've thought a relationship would be nice, but on the few occasions I've been in one I feel suffocated very quickly.

The idea of one is better than the reality in my case.

I am an introvert though and like my own company. I get lonely at times and feel like a companion to share life with, but when it comes down to it I've never met anyone who is worth sacrificing my single life for.

Not sure that makes me strong as I find relationships harder than being single.

I’m single and it does take strength and money!

This week I’ve been ill and for the first time in ages I’ve thought it would be useful to have a partner, just to help with chores and shopping!

I'm married but my point of view is the same as this.
I absolutely can't imagine feeling pity for a single woman living and loving her life on her own terms.
Not for a minute do i think my only value is to be in a relationship at any cost , we are far too valuable to 'settle' just to say 'we have someone'.
I met my husband a long time ago ,it worked out ,we are easy together but i didn't go looking or had any expectations , being single was not a worry for me.
I knew my worth then and i do now and i'm raising my girl to know her worth too.
So no i do not think it takes strength to stay single, sadly strength is needed far too often for women to get out of the wrong relationship.

I started a thread about this not long ago.
I know several very nice women, good looking, stylish, educated, loyal, fun to be around, full of vitality etc. who haven’t met anyone despite wanting too. Lots of posters seemed to say that just because a woman has a good career, it doesn’t mean she is a great person. I think they misunderstood.
These women are smart and have a lot to offer. They aren’t lazy or uncaring. They own their own homes and have lots of friends. Quite frankly they bring a lot to the table. Yet they struggle to meet a similar partner.
I absolutely do think wanting a child is the driving factor for the majority of women. Couple this with the cost of living and difficulty of raising a child alone and you have a reason for women making do.
I don’t advocate men have children later in life, I really don’t, but they can and they do. That alone gives them the edge. Plus men are far less likely to want a child. Some do, but others do it to pacify the woman they are with at the time.
The percentage of childfree women hasn’t changed. It has remained stable at around 19-20% for a long time. I think this will only increase if women are forced into being childfree. Ie they can’t find a suitable partner to have a child with, or they can’t afford to have a child.
On the reverse I see people who never seem to be without a partner. Without wishing to be rude these people are often far less of a catch in virtually every single way. Maybe they have very low boundaries. Maybe they don’t care who they have a child with. Maybe they don’t care if the relationship breaks down, they just move straight on to the next partner. I’m including both men and women in this.

It’s also very different if you don’t want children or already have a child/children.
You can pick and choose.
The women who want a child but can’t find a decent man to settle down with, that’s the issue.

I was single for a long time before I met dh, and had no intention of settling down. No one had got past three dates without pissing me off and I just couldn’t see a reason to settle. Dh lasted the course, and just kept getting better, and even then I was very reluctant to make a commitment, having seen a lot of dysfunctional marriages.

What surprised me was how much of a shield a relationship is. As a very private person, and an introvert, it was a relief not to have people trying to work out the puzzle of why I was single. Nobody seems to project their feelings (whether that’s pity or excess admiration) on me anymore. Having a couple of babies, was similar. It was like getting membership of the Normal Grown Ups club, or to put it another way, it was like a grey rock disguise. Nothing to see here.

I don’t think I’d rush out to replace dh. He’d be a very hard act to follow anyway. But I think I would miss the grey rock status that a relationship confers, now that I’ve experienced it.

I think a lot of people also assume there is something wrong with someone who hasn’t found ‘the one.’
I remember a work colleague meeting her now dh. He was younger than her and had never been married or had children. He was early 40s at the time. The first words out of another colleagues mouth were ‘So, what is wrong with him then?’

Sadly, from people I've known, I would agree with you, op.
Sometimes it "just" leads to acrimonious divorce, but I've also known it lead to damaged children, prolonged legal battles, DV, substance abuse and death.
It's tragic.
An acquaintances 2nd marriage is ending atm.
She panicked when she hit 30, had a affair with a co worker (who was engaged himself..)
They married. Lasted a year ish.
He had (another) affair.
Then she went to stay with a friend "to recover" and helped end friends brothers marriage...
Then another affair with another friends husband. They've been together a while, but she's just told him it's over.
I don't think she's been alone since she was 14...

I could have written this myself!

I’m single. Guess I’m staying this way as I’m taking zero steps to change this.

I don’t see this as needing strength… This is just my life right now.

No one is judging or questioning me though so I don’t have that pressure. They might have done previously but I think they’ve all given up now after so many years 🤣🤣

I think people underestimate money as a factor too. Unless you're a pretty high earner, living on a single income is just hard. IME couples moving in together quickly is often really about money

I am cheerfully, permanently single. From 16, I was regularly pestered to get in a relationship (by family members...) so that I wouldn't be "left on the shelf". The fact that I had no confidence and rarely spoke to anyone was obviously irrelevant!

Singledom was treated with "shock! Horror!" reactions at university, and, "You have to come out tonight and we'll find you someone". Ew, no!

I do get pity as a single adult female, because "You'll meet the right one one day!" Oh, and I'm too weird, fussy, stubborn and refuse to compromise for the rest of my life (I had a childhood where the word 'no' was not an option, so I have been busy making up for it since) 😁

I like being single. I'm an introvert who likes to have a bit of quiet time just to sit down and relax when I get home from work! I'm not really into physical contact. I don't really mind whether or not people like me. As far as I can see, the only downsides of being single are: you have to do your own cooking and cleaning instead of sharing it (if you're lucky enough to have a domesticated partner), you have to pay all of your bills by yourself, and it makes having children a bit more difficult (though you can get sperm donors for that; you just have to get over-invested in your reproductive cycle instead).

If you want to be in a relationship, that's fine, and I hope that it works out well for you. Equally, if you're cheerfully single, make your life as happy and as enjoyable as you can!

I find it very easy to stay single, given the alternatives on offer.

I have zero problem with staying single. I've had three awful husbands and realised I don't like men very much. I'm very happy single.

I have been single(happily) for best part of 20 years. I have had a couple of v short term relationships 17to 18 years ago. Ppl always either try to set me up with someone or want to know what my problem is, I seem so nice!
I am genuinely happy, not lonely, never bored. I don't think I am to be admired, strong etc, I just know what I don't want.
The down side is as someone say life can be v expensive. I have a reasonable job but can't afford to buy a property or holidays every year but I one of the happiest ppl I know.

I've been very happily single for twenty plus years, and don't see it as any sign of strength. Neither do I feel any pressure to be in a relationship. I did when I was young though.

I think it's quite often bullcrap that "society" values relationships etc.

Society is a reflection of us as a species - a species that has pair bonded for fucking millennia.

Yes, lots of women are in bad relationships, but they would still want to be in a relationship usually because there's a big of whack of human biology designed to bond us called oxytocin, which gets released by the shitload.

And yet look at the demeaning words used to describe single women through the ages; spinsters, old maids, bitter, cat ladies… it is to many people’s benefit to have women in a relationship - even one that isn’t beneficial to her. It is only fairly recently that most single women can even afford being single, marriage was a financial plan too. There are social circles where your standing particularly as a single woman is low compared to couples.

I'm choosing to be single. It's easy.

But you can be in a long term relationship and not cohabit. Its not mutually exclusive

I'm never really sure what to make of these kinds of posts. It does somewhat appear as if the woman posting are assuming that the majority of women in relationships are all secretly miserable and only tolerating their partners so they will look like they have "won" in life and won't be alone. It seems very much like a narrative that they repeat to themselves to ward off feelings of inferiority and to make them feel better about being single by imagining (hoping?) that women in couples are unhappy or just weak cowards while they themselves are noble and strong.

OP, its just a story you are telling yourself and its meaningless. Sure some women might be in unhappy relationships and either too poor or afraid to go it alone but lots of women are very happy in their relationships and for them being in a couple isn't something they need to do to survive but a choice that enriches their lives and even contributes to their personal growth and perhaps shares some of the burden of getting by in this world.

I was single until my mid 30's and very happily single at that. I was fully self sufficient and independent although I don't think it took any particular strength or courage to be single. I wasn't looking to meet someone but when I met my now husband we both choose to be together and its been a really wonderful partnership and I do feel I've grown so much since we've been together but again its really a personal thing and there are no prizes for any of it.

If you feel the need to tell yourself how strong and special you are and by extension how pathetic women in relationships are then it seems to be that you are not as strong and happy in your own choices are you'd like to portray yourself to be.

Don’t think I’ve ever pitied a woman for being single tbh I just assumed they’ve not met anyone who’s made them not want to be single. I think that perception of a sad old spinster left on the shelf has shifted a lot in recent years. When I’ve been single it really didn’t take any effort at all tbh.

I’ve only felt bad for someone when they have explicitly said they want a relationship and can’t find one.