To think it takes real strength for a woman to stay single, in a world where so many people settle just to say they have someone?

[TheRubyMentor]

I see so many people rushing into relationships that don’t actually make them happy, just so they can say they’re in one. It feels like society still values having a partner over choosing the right one and a lot of people end up in situations they’re not truly happy in.

Meanwhile, a woman who stays single because she refuses to settle, often gets questioned, pitied or told she’s “too picky.” But isn’t it actually a sign of strength to hold out for something meaningful rather than just grabbing onto anything?

Has anyone else noticed this or do you think I’m being unfair?

Definitely! This is really sad, but being in a relationship makes me feel good about myself. Im very plain and also autistic, never got any attention from men until I met my current partner. I've definitely NOT settled, he's actually amazing, but I know that it makes me feel good to know I'm in a relationship. I always felt like a failure when I was single. And I think it's terrible that I felt like that.

My exh left me for another woman Christmas before last and I've spent since then rebuilding my life and protecting my peace. I'm in a good place now and don't want anything to ruin that, certainly not another man.

It's not strength for me. Just knowing my own worth and finding basically no one else is worth compromising my peace for.

Others can judge /pity me all they want. I am really quite content as I am

It's not that simple. Many women's kryptonite is children. Some women will settle so they can have children and then they become trapped. Financially women are a lot worse off after divorce and life as a single parent isn't easy.

If you took children out of the equation, I'm sure women would be pickier.

Yes I think it takes strength and also it’s expensive!

There is a long history of “old maids” and I suspect many of them chose not to be saddled with an unwanted relationship.

I don't think it takes 'real strength'. It's an option that more and more women are adopting. I'm not sure there's any mileage in building a virtue out of it.

I m long term single, happily so, jealous people try to weaponise pity.

No thanks, keep your false pity and your resentment, neither are welcome here.

Some women need to be in a relationship at all costs.
Although I am not single now. I have enjoyed being single in the past, I'm comfortable alone, if DH left/died tomorrow, I wouldn't get into another relationship.

I’m currently single, and have been since I left my EXDP 4 years ago.

I LOVE being in a relationship, but only with a man who enhances my life, not detracts from it.

I’m fine to stay single until I meet someone as described above, which certain people around me find baffling.

Being single is a positive choice nowadays and a healthy way to have a less stressful life. Especially given the utter dross on OLD. The dating pool is small as you get older and less women want to compromise and be with a man who makes life worse.
I’m not interested in being pitied or celebrated for ‘strength’. I don’t actually care about anyone else’s opinion. I’m doing what I want to do and life is good.

Funnily enough, I was chatting to someone about this earlier. I’m not good at picking men, I pick broken ones and then end up hurting myself. So I’ve decided that my peace, and my DD’s, is way more important than entering a relationship that will almost certainly go the same way as the others. I want to be happy, and I won’t settle for anything less.

For some people it’s hard for them to understand how being in your own can equal happiness

i have been single nearly 20 years now apart from odd fling and I feel very content, more content than I ever have

the only time I wish I had a partner is related to finances and the struggles with cost of living but that isn’t a good enough reason for myself to be in a a relationship

at times it can be irritating being pitied but I like pp know my worth and I do not want to compromise and vast majority of men I find tedious

interestingly Gary Linikar has recently made a few comments about being happy single and he is also met with disbelief but I don’t think he probably gets the same sympathy as women do

I'm told that most women in relationships think they have "settled". Apparently there's a Chris Rock joke that "the number one reason your woman is always mad at you, is that you ain't the one she wanted."

There a Youtube video titled "The way it ALL ENDS: the five endgames that all women face" in which the psychologist creator estimates that only 1% of (American) women get the relationship they want with the man they want.

Another 6% get a man they want, but have to compromise on the relationship to land him.

The remaining 4% of desirable men are got by nobody, as with most of the women on dating apps chasing them, they have it too good to settle down.

The rest of the women who are in relationships have settled, and a significant minority of those had to compromise on the relationship just to land the man they've settled for.

Lastly, a large and rapidly increasing proportion of women are on track to be single and childless at 40. (Not sure if it's this video or another one that contains the statistics for that, but they are shocking. The human mating and dating process is broken. The rise of the smartphone and dating apps have, ironically, made it less likely that people will find long-term relationships. A more fundamental issue is that young women in the USA are now higher-educated and higher-earning than young men, and unlike men, women are reluctant to marry down.)

Strength or Laziness (I am the latter! 😂)

But seriously as a spinster myself I have faced a lot of negativity for not wishing to date men I dislike and that is labelled “picky”.

I am not the only single middle age woman I know who gets the same response. Makes me wonder how many of the people saying that are with people they don’t like?

I'm not sure it takes 'real strength' to remain single. I'm all for advocating women live their lives in whatever way they prefer to, but I don't think one choice is necessarily braver, better or one to be smug about.

You've made it sound like it's a valiant struggle to remain single in the face of society's disapproval. Society disapproves of a lot of things, but people continue to do them.

Most “women” or most “people” think they have settled?

And what do you mean by “settled”?

I also don’t get this obsession with women being single / childless by 40. Why only mention women, never men?

I'm in favour of everyone remaining single. If someone would like to start a petition to ban marriage, I will sign it.

Provided finances and children aren't an issue, being single is so much better than the 1001 compromises involved in living with another adult. A compromise is two people not getting what they want. You don't even realise what a burden cohabiting is, at the time. It's only once you're free that you fully understand what a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I say this from a male point of view, but I have seen women on here say similar.

Yes definitely agree with you, I’m long term single and get told I’m too picky all the time, but I will be as picky as I want, I will never be with the wrong man again, much rather stay single if I can’t find the right one.

I teach the freedom programme, oft recommended here (in fact I think I first heard of it here) it’s not perfect but it does offer great insights into why women settle or worse get into bad relationships.
Personally factors which meant I never settled were upbringing- no expectation to be paired off. Good male and female role models. Financial independence- hard to do now but but I could rent a nice flat easily on a teacher’s salary, I didn’t need to couple up for stability, in fact I could rent and also pay my way staying mainly with my then boyfriend for a year- that’s impossible now. And I wasn’t burning for children, no temptation to settle for a wrong un because at least I’d have a baby.

Not really. I think it’s often more about personality types. I distinctly remember thinking loudly that I’d rather be on my own than with the wrong person when I was in my 20s. Not because I was strong but because I haven’t got the capacity to be around people I don’t really like. Sometimes to my detriment. Some people are more flexible and tolerant. I couldn’t even be with someone who breathed funny or held a fork weirdly let alone was not my mental and emotional jigsaw fit.

OP, the use of ‘holding out for something meaningful’ is (probably unwittingly) insulting. I have been single for 20 years. I am not ‘holding out’, I am quite content. The only time I think ‘wouldn’t mind a bloke right now’ is when I’m about to book a ‘fly and flop’ holiday. Be quite nice to have someone to have afternoon sex with. But then I remember the men I’ve had relationships with and how the positives of their presence came with a shit-ton of negatives. Nope, ‘holding out’ I am not.

I'm also delighted that the vast majority of the couples I know seem to really love and like each other. Horses / Courses.

The root of this thinking is probably to do with reproductive age.

The claim I've heard is that it specifically women, not men, who think they have settled. I've no idea what the evidence is for this. Also not sure what the definition of "settled" is.

Regarding why mention women not having paired at 40, I assume because it's not a problem for men that age, who can still have children, if they want to. Apparently 10% of these women are infertile, and 10% didn't want children, so 80% have an undesirable outcome that it's too late to reverse.

It hasn't taken any strength, as far as I can tell (53). Just invisibility. It's not like every single woman has been turning down offers left, right and centre. Some of us never had any.

I do wonder if autistic women have less of a need to be in relationships just not to be single. I was officially single between 26 and 35 (few weeks before turning 36). I met my now husband and we took things at a pace that worked for us. Got engaged after 6 years. Moved in together after 7.5 years and married after 8.5 years. I can honestly say if we do not work out or he goes first I shall happily remain single. I know of other women who have jumped from one relationship to another just not to be alone. I honestly do not understand it, I want my relationship to enrich my life not be my whole life.