To think it takes real strength for a woman to stay single, in a world where so many people settle just to say they have someone?

[TheRubyMentor]

I see so many people rushing into relationships that don’t actually make them happy, just so they can say they’re in one. It feels like society still values having a partner over choosing the right one and a lot of people end up in situations they’re not truly happy in.

Meanwhile, a woman who stays single because she refuses to settle, often gets questioned, pitied or told she’s “too picky.” But isn’t it actually a sign of strength to hold out for something meaningful rather than just grabbing onto anything?

Has anyone else noticed this or do you think I’m being unfair?

I think it was a study by Morgan Stanley which predicted that 45% of women aged 25-44 will be single and childless by 2030 which represents a large increase on previous generations.

And I think people talk about these statistics specifically for women because for previous generations, marriage and motherhood were seen by society as the main aims of a woman’s life and cornerstones of their identity.

I have certainly seen a shift in social attitudes over my lifetime. Younger women seem much less likely to settle for a shit man. Which may, of course, partly account for plummeting birth rates.

Not strength in my case. I've just never wanted to be in a relationship.

In my friendship circle of eleven women, seven are single, mostly through divorce but one is a widow after her Dh's long illness and another one through her husbands suicide.
All these women have been single for more than a decade and are absolutely living their best life without wanting or needing a bloke.
They are all financially secure,kids grown up and happy. As they say ' Life is good, so why change it!' 😆

I just utterly adore being unromantically attached and realised that I was always forcing myself into relationships as a default setting.

I wish people would offer me judgement. I'd have a lovely time correcting them.

I have been happily single for 5 years now. I now know that I will probably never be in a relationship again, and I'm perfectly happy with with that. Every bloke that I got involved with has had issues. There was the one who was 10 years younger than me and insisted he never wanted kids. I was in my late 40s and,had a grown up daughter so that was no problem. Then 4 years into the relationship,he decided he DID want children after all, and couldn't seem to understand why I wasn't prepared,at the age of 52,to go down the IVF route! Another guy basically just used me as a cash machine. Another one never wanted to go out anywhere (apart from going to work) and was quite content to sit around at home all the time,watching TV. In the year we were together,I think we went out together once. Yet another just wanted sex ALL THE TIME. And another one was absolutely useless around the house, didn't even know how to make a cup of coffee.So,I'm done with men.

This issue could be resolved with improved intolerance of the non payment of maintenance at a societal level, along with robust laws and some kind of legal fast tracking when payment isn’t made. There just isn’t the political will or societal expectation. I have brought up 3 children on my own, my ex is present but has hidden behind self employment so not a penny paid. It has been hard work and at times I have felt looked down because I claimed benefits. I am a teacher in a shortage subject area and have worked full time for 13 out of 16 single years. I should be applauded! Instead, at best I feel a second class citizen and, occasionally, I am openly pitied by both friends and colleagues.

Nothing could have persuaded me to settle for any man who didn’t tick all my boxes - I don’t think that’s being picky. It’s simply a case of asking myself, what will this man add to my life? Sex is easy - you can get that with a few drinks in a bar and any willing specimen! What I want is genuine companionship and actually, my friends - both male and female - more than provide that. I am hopeful I will meet someone at some point but if I never do, I really couldn’t get upset about it. I have built a good life, lonely at times, but I go out plenty, do different stuff, have my freedom.

@Pickledpoppetpickle

Nothing could have persuaded me to settle for any man who didn’t tick all my boxes

Yet your ex doesn't pay towards his children or co parent. How did he tick all your boxes?

What I want is genuine companionship and actually, my friends - both male and female - more than provide that

I'm glad that your friends provide you with companionship. I don't want friends, I want the intimacy of a romantic relationship and everything that involves including sex. I don't want sex with some creep in a bar, I want sex with someone I love.

I could have wrote all this 😂

I think the overt belief that 'getting' a man makes you worthy or superior or having achieved a life goal is on the way out, but it undoubtedly still exists below the surface for many people, particularly those who grew up in the period where this view was commonplace.

I was very happy being single, now I’m very happily married, although we didn’t marry until our thirties….I've never cared about other people’s opinion of me since I was about 15.

I settled at 22, worst thing I’ve ever done. Now trying to extricate myself at 46.

But it might stop the old theory that women who don't want relationships, but still want sex, have low self esteem.
It's an argument I've had for around 40 years, you'd have to have low self worth to put up with the treatment, not only towards you, but also your children, that I've seen in marriages/relationships.
In my female friendship group (all 55-70), we are perplexed and saddened when someone we know saddles herself with a piss-taking lump, for company.

I don't feel it's taken any of my strength to remain single. I've been single for years, maybe 15. Sometimes I think it would be nice to do some kissing, but otherwise I'm fine thanks.
Things that have taken strength for me have been things like supporting my parents as they age, or recently completing a professional qualification.

I see you on the strength or laziness 🤣🤣.

I think, more than anything, I put a high price on my peace of mind. It would take a very special man to 'unsingle' me. Until then, I'll carry on as I currently am.

I’m mid 40s and no children. I’d like to meet someone but I am not going to settle for someone just to be in a relationship, unless they make my life better in some way. I’m not actually asking for much - just someone decent, but it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack at times.

It probably helps that I don’t want children as I think that the ‘biological clock’ definitely clouds judgement, particularly when it’s running out. So I’m grateful I haven’t had that to deal with.

Also, it can be financially tough being single and all the benefits that are available are a paltry 25% council tax discount.

Me three!

Either people rush in to it because they need to be part of "a couple" and think they've failed if they aren't. Or their biological clock is clanging and they need to get babied up.

But it isn't always great strength.

I was close to marriage once but then he announced he never wanted dcs, three weeks before the big day, so that fell apart.

Since then I simply haven't met anyone else I wanted to marry. It hasn't required any great resolve. I've had a few relationships (and a ds) but not met anyone else I thought "I want share everything with you for the rest of my life".

So it's quite easy really.

I decided at 11 I did not want children. I did not see how it would serve my interests to bring them into the world and be responsible for them. I had a violent father and its well know that abused people often go on to abuse their own offspring. So its was an unselfish and assertive decision.

I had a very short marriage in my early 20s and found that I was not cut out to live longterm in an intimate relationship with another human. Ive had some relationships since but never wanted to commit to anything closer than seeing someone once or twice a week. As soon as meeting parents was mentioned I backed off.

Im not interested in other people's opinions about this and its many years since I heard the expression "old maid". Its something my great grandmother might have said. My actual grandmother would not have used such a patronising and out of date expression.

Being single and childfree is a lifestyle choice. No more or less. I do resent the extent to which my taxes go to subsidise other choices and how little I get back in return. 25% discount on council tax simply does not cut it.

God @Ponoka7 you’ve really nailed the judgement I’ve had from some married / LTR friends about any ONS or FWB encounters I’ve had. I’ve never been able to articulate my disquiet to their attitudes… they think I’ve low self esteem.

The irony of being the absolute opposite!

I just think focusing on women alone is not a way of fixing the problem (for those who think more single people and falling birthrates is an issue.)

Although with no links to source data it’s all supposition.

Absolutely women’s kryptonite. I wanted children but not by any means necessary to get them.

Of the women I know who are childfree / ambivalent about children - they seem less willing to settle for a man they don’t like.

My dm took me aside when I was about 30 and tried to ask what was wrong, why I wasn't married with a brood. She told me three of her neighbours thought I was gorgeous and she couldn't understand what the problem was.

I tried to explain to her, that

• I did not want the unhappy life of compromises she had settled for. (F was horrible)
• I was having a ball with an international career
• I was perfectly capable of buying my own home, car etc
• I wasn't going to marry anyone unless they made me happier than I already was
• Most of the men I met were lazy, selfish, or looking for a house keeper or a purse, or all four.

I know I made her sad. She was terribly traditional. But 30 years later, I have yet to meet a man who fits the bill. I have a great life though, a wonderful son and we have all the comforts and freedoms that she did not.

That has always baffled me. Having sex you want to have outside of a relationship means you have low self esteem.

But being in a terrible partnership with somebody who treats you awfully says nothing about your esteem. Make it make sense!!!

I'm single, mortgage free, totally self sufficient financially through my own hard work and blissfully happy. I'm currently on holiday on my own, drinking rosé in the sun whilst planning what I will do tomorrow without having to compromise. I don't see the pity that others claim is there. I get a lot of envy at having a settled and fully controlled life.

My theory is those that love being single have a demeanor of content and confidence and so are not pitied. Whereas those who hate being single and cannot survive without a partner are the ones that are pitied.

Same. Single about 12+ years.

No strength. Just no desire to actively date (I am lazy) and no interest in men who come across my path who like me.