To be fascinated by tidy people

[tangerinemagic]

I’m just not tidy. Nor is my husband. We try. Actually very hard. We have two young children and a dog but there is literally stuff everywhere, all of the time.

I live in London, so we naturally have many parent friends right on our doorstep and there is a ‘drop in’ culture where we might wrap up a playground or common trip and head to each others houses.

Ours is not fit for that kind of spontaneity but others fling open their doors at any time and it’s like no one even lives there.

when conversations come up about chores, cleaning, tidiness, I recoil. They really are extremely tidy people and with young kids. You can’t mistake walking into a tidy persons house, it just feels, different.

The floors and sofa/furniture in our house just don’t look like theirs, even if you have a whip round and tidy you can tell.

So, tidy people, tell me, how do you do it. What are the tips. Was this nurture growing up in a tidy household? Or something you learned? AIBU to be ashamed my pram, car, house is always in need of a clean.

Looking at what I’ve done today, there just isn’t mess created beyond the unavoidable, basically dishes from cooking and some toys my child has been playing with.

One pot and 3 bowls and spoons for porridge this morning were washed straight after eating. Nothing else to clean up as our kitchen is always left clean the night before. My husband works from home so if he makes something for lunch he cleans up. My son and I ate dinner early, my husband is about to eat now. All dishes in the sink and he’ll wash up before bed.

My son’s toys are still out because he’ll want to play with them when he gets out his bath for a while before bed. He’ll tidy them up with some help from us- takes 5 minutes before bed. There’s a small load of laundry in the machine at the moment, I’ll hang that up after I’ve got my son into his pyjamas and brushed teeth.

So the mess is dishes, which are unavoidable and take less than half an hour out of the day whether you do them at the time or leave them all until the end of the day, and some toys. I don’t really think of it as mess as I like to see his toys out being played with, but it is something that needs put away at the end of the day.

This is where I don’t understand what mess other people are creating. I don’t see anything to tidy up when I look around and I haven’t been running about all day tidying. In fact, I’ve been at home sick doing nothing at all.

This makes sense and reminds me of a friend’s house I went to as a child. The family were chaos personified and honestly I was always relieved to go back to my tidy and orderly house. Everything was “dropped at their backside” as my gran would say. Home from school? The kids just dumped coats, shoes, and bags wherever they felt like it. There was always a mad scrabble to find homework. Toys weren’t cared for and they had so many the house was just a dumping ground of broken toys with missing parts, VHS tapes all in the wrong boxes, dirty clothes left all over the place in bedrooms. The poor mum was frazzled but the solutions are so simple it boggles my mind.

I teach in primary and there are some families that lose school books. I’m always taken aback .One child from a family of two chn has lost 5. She now can’t take books home which could affect her reading progress( she gets to read at school obviously) but how can that happen?

I was a sahm for a few years. When my DC played with toys they had them out on the living room floor( play rooms weren't such a thing 20 years ago) and then they helped to tidy away before dinner/ bed. I had cupboards with boxes inside to hide it all away. This is what they will have to do at school so start them early. I as not going to be picking up after them once they were perfectly capable. When they were younger I only got one or two things out. Chn become overwhelmed with too much choice. Rotate the toys to maintain interest

A lot of people on this thread have brains that work very differently from mine, and I suspect the OP's.

What many posters are saying makes sense from a logical perspective of course - I can read it and understand it and think "that seems obvious!"

But it's not the idea of it that my brain struggles with, it's the execution. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I don't get the reward sensation from carrying out these sorts of tasks that I suspect other people get, and at the same time my brain is usually preoccupied or overwhelmed with other stuff that does catch its attention. It's not a conscious prioritisation of tasks so it's very difficult to just tell myself to buck up.

Yes exactly. But our brains are wired for empathy and have other qualities rather than being ‘a tidy person’.

Rather than ‘god that family are so messy, I can’t believe the 4 year old had a messy bedroom. How scummy. Can’t wait to get back to my tidy house’ I’d probably wonder what else was going on rather than judge. I don’t actually care if peoples houses are a bit messy - especially with young children.

Everyone is different. I am trying today but bloody hell it’s an effort. Just to think about putting everything away constantly. I know it will
make my life easier so I’ll try and stick with it but my brain is definitely not wired this way. It’s not natural and I have to think about it constantly.

Can you really not see how maybe children would lose a reading book in a house? Especially in certain homes. I know it must be frustrating as a teacher but what a shame that the child suffers.

If this is aimed at me, I was a child myself at the time. I didn’t think words like “scummy”. I had great fun with my friend but was always happier coming home to order and unbroken toys and no screaming chaos.

It’s not about judging. It’s about preferring to live with some semblance of order.

Tidy people aren’t tidy to the detriment of other qualities. Rather, if I were to use the same family as an example, they were lacking in important qualities such as gratefulness for and caring for their belongings.

I didn’t grow up with much so what we had we knew to be grateful for and look after with the utmost care.

My house growing up was like this.- awful an absolute tip
I felt like an alien that had landed on a different planet

@Somehowgirl exactly
After breakfast dishes went into dishwasher
Ditto lunch
Will run it after dinner and DH will empty
All I will do is wipe the worktops and empty the bins

Tomorrow will be unload shopping, clean fridge and put it away
Do laundry
We both do about an hours cleaning

@Delatron
You are judging tidy people as less empathetic than you, which is rather an unpleasant generalisation probably due to defensiveness
If I'm being totally honest if I go to a very dirty, cluttered house I suspect there is a MH issue/ relationship issue at play so I would be empathetic and am always the first to lend a hand if someone has a new baby etc

I don’t get any reward sensation from being tidy. I just don’t own too many things, and what I do own I don’t leave scattered all over my home. I
don’t understand the difficulty in that, genuinely.

PPs have talked about pulling out half their wardrobes when deciding what to wear and then leaving it all lying to deal with later. Maybe don’t do that and then there wouldn’t be a mess. Anyone’s home will be a mess if they drag everything out to complete a simple task.

I’m also curious about “just to think about putting everything away constantly”

I literally don’t know what this means. What is “everything?” What could possibly be taken out all day long and need put away again constantly?

I think it’s probably what you’re used to. My parents were very tired and I grew up in that setting. I have a 2 and 4 year old and when they enter the flat they have been taught to leave their shoes at the door, wash their hands in the bathroom and then play. Once they’re asleep we empty the nursery bag if there are soiled clothes and they go straight in the washing machine. I tidy up once they’re in bed. My DH is far, far less tidy but having been to his family home I can see that is what is normal for him! I can’t unwind or relax if toys, books etc are thrown around! And yes we both work full time in healthcare roles so it’s not that I have a lot of spare time 😆

Of course tips will help. Many people with ADHD gain organisational skills, ways to avoid procrastinating, distraction tactics, there is always room for improving.
If it is debilitating to the point a 4 year old has a messy room, full of crap, you need to access some services.
My mother had undiagnosed ADHD, very childlike, it's awful for the children once they recognise their home is different, loaded with crap.
We thought you dumped everything on the floor.
It takes me a long time to tidy as I'm easily distracted, but the reward outweighs any stress.
The simple things like clean pairs of socks, pajamas in the drawer, being able to sit at a table for homework without pushing for space, same with sofa, no piles of clothes or letters anywhere.
I make myself put away things in sets of 5, play my favourite song, it'll never be perfect but little steps get it done.
Sorry to anyone who is offended.

Look my house is tidy and clean (but it’s hard work). I just wouldn’t judge a messy house (especially a child’s bedroom!!) the way some on here have. That’s all. But judge away.

My story (as I said when I wrote it) was about my impressions when I was also a child.

And I grew up in a very clean and tidy house. In fact my Mum never sat down!

It’s just harder for some people and therefore I wouldn’t judge. There is a bit of a lack of understanding or empathy saying ‘why do people just throw things on the floor’ or ‘why can’t they just put things away’. In utter disbelief that anyone is different to themselves and therefore they must just be lazy.

The bin bag thing is so satisfying. I was desperately trying to find a way to have a tidier house and read a tip like this, do try it op. Everyday walk around and chuck out anything that needs to go.

I think throwing things on the floor is lazy. It wouldn’t be allowed in nursery or at school so I do struggle to see why parents wouldn’t teach their children not to do this, along with other important life skills

My mum was like that. Never sat down, worked, cooked , we had immaculately ironed clothes.You could literally walk in anytime and it was immaculate. How she ended up with a daughter like me is a mystery !

Ha! Yes I think sometimes it goes in cycles? So my Mum grew up in a messy house - though to be fair my Nan was a single Mum working full time with 3 kids. So on the flip side my Mum is ridiculously tidy. I am not. She comes to my house and irons everything in sight!

I don’t want to argue with the ‘why wouldn’t you possibly just put everything away’ crowd. But we are all different. And some people are more chaotic and less tidy than others. Even though you struggle to see how that could possibly be. Just like some people are better at maths. Or are more creative.

If I could go back I would insist to my younger self that I got a cleaner. We didn’t have much money but we were working with young kids like you op in a capital city flat. A cleaner should have been a priority !!

Yep I read somewhere that untidy people are clever haha. My Dad used to say if you sat down for long enough mum would iron you. Shéd come and stay with us for a few days and my flat would be gleaming within hours!

I love this! My Mum cleans my oven and then looks around for things to sew..

Having too much stuff and nowhere to put it makes things difficult.

I’m a tidy person and probably spend far too much time cleaning and tidying but I can’t cope with a messy house. I couldn’t go out if the house wasn’t clean and tidy. IRS not how I was brought up. Our house was generally tidy growing up but with 6 kids it was a bit chaotic to say the least. One of my kids is really tidy, the other is a slob.

I always said my mum, one auntie ( the other was like me) and their friends ( and perhaps your mum ;) could have sorted the NHS out within a week. It ´d have been efficient and immaculate in the blink of an eye ;)