To be fascinated by tidy people

[tangerinemagic]

I’m just not tidy. Nor is my husband. We try. Actually very hard. We have two young children and a dog but there is literally stuff everywhere, all of the time.

I live in London, so we naturally have many parent friends right on our doorstep and there is a ‘drop in’ culture where we might wrap up a playground or common trip and head to each others houses.

Ours is not fit for that kind of spontaneity but others fling open their doors at any time and it’s like no one even lives there.

when conversations come up about chores, cleaning, tidiness, I recoil. They really are extremely tidy people and with young kids. You can’t mistake walking into a tidy persons house, it just feels, different.

The floors and sofa/furniture in our house just don’t look like theirs, even if you have a whip round and tidy you can tell.

So, tidy people, tell me, how do you do it. What are the tips. Was this nurture growing up in a tidy household? Or something you learned? AIBU to be ashamed my pram, car, house is always in need of a clean.

I agree, though there is people who just cannot be bothered, who have very low standards, unfortunately a lot of people label themselves as ADHD as an excuse, it minimising the real suffering.
Bad diets impact motivation too.
My cousin is a capable confident nurse, she refuses to tidy past the basics.
Her home is filthy.
If you have DC and adhd you need to do your best to try organising your home. Tap into anything that will help.

Interesting point re ADHD and other ND conditions. My DH is ND, diagnosed as an adult years ago. When we were in our 'not tidy' era he used to get annoyed at the mess, and try to sort it but always ended up making more mess, by deciding to make a shoe tidy/ coat rack/recycling box. Rather than actually hoovering. Now we have a proper place for everything, not much stuff, and systems in place he has no trouble at all in following them. He is also doing so much better mentally, and productivity wise. It has been life changing for him. It was 100% me that sorted it but he is very grateful and maintains it all with no trouble at all. We are both much happier, calmer, and have so much more time! Admitedly, there is an argument that I took a lots of my systems from my MIL, so maybe it was easy for him to fall in with them as an adult. But, it does show what can happen with the right support.

Yes, I agree. People really don't realise how much it affects people and how they can't follow tips designed for NT people. It's almost as if NT people apply their own experience to those with ADHD, of writing lists or doing chores, not realising it's not the same.

Without medication, I can't do any little thing at all. I can't pick a spoon up off the floor. I will step over it multiple times, each time feeling worsening anxiety about it, but unable to actually do anything about it - and it's the same for the next 500 tasks that come up throughout the day, one on top of the other, each as overwhelming as the last. I can't drive, couldn't stay in a job or maintain relationships while unmedicated. I spent most of my life hating myself for being lazy and trying so hard to just be like everyone else, and just could not do it. It's not a case of laziness or not caring, it feels like your brain and body are not connected to each other and you cannot force yourself to do what you want or need to do.

Thankfully the medication can really help people and allow them to be productive and function normally.

@tangerinemagic my tips are to declutter often and everything has to have a home.

Post gets dealt with straightaway, anything that needs attention gets pinned on our cork board.

Porch is always kept clutter free, coats are hung up and shoes left neatly by the door. It’s probably one of the areas I have to clean on a daily basis.

Clothes are folded away after they have been washed and put away in the ironing basket which lives in a cupboard.

Im one of those people who can’t function if I don’t have a tidy home, I’ve always been this way.

I get so stressed if I can’t find anything, I hate the time and energy wasted looking for things.

I’m currently sorting my loft and getting rid of anything we haven’t used in 5 years. Xx

I think there are people who have low standards and they are not the ones with ADHD. People with ADHD actually need structure,
routine and a clean environment. But they very much struggle with that.

I agree they need systems to help. Just like they’ve developed systems in other areas of their lives. For example
I am never late (I have ADHD) because it stresses me out so much. But I can never be on time due to the time blindness issue. I am just always very, very early! It drives my kids mad. I am amazed by people who can judge time and arrive on time.

Thanks for all the tips on this thread. I am decluttering (in short bursts) and will have stern words with the rest of my family about putting things away. Because once one person has left their shoes, bag etc out then everyone else just adds to it and it becomes overwhelming. I spend about an hour tidying and cleaning every day. More than lots yet I can’t get on top of it and it gets messy again.

In answer to the post above yes my family just chuck stuff everywhere.

My main point is that it’s very hard for some people. Others find it very easy and don’t seem to understand.

Yes! I understand. I have been known to step over many things on the floor (mainly socks). It’s so hard to explain.

I struggle to even put the lid back on toothpaste or anything. But could hold down a very challenging job. Ridiculous!!

Medication very much helps.

I am also in awe of those that after a full days work come home and hoover and dust then cook and clean then ferry children about. When I get home from work I’m utterly exhausted. This is also part of the problem.

Anyway sorry to derail the thread but there’s a lot of ‘just tidy as you go, simple’ and it’s not that simple for lots of people.

Oh I understand.
I worry about DD's future.
I set her clock 10 minutes earlier, try encouraging her to ditch 5 things before she sits, set clothes out the night before, even then she needs reminding.
She went back to school yesterday, I raided her room, if I didn't love her, I'd explode.
Cutting her hair hiding it in her drawer, alongside food, paint, glitter, papers. 😅
5 bags.
i said nothing when she came home but she was happy with a clean space.
I'll help her as long as I can, biting my tongue.

This is interesting. I have a friend who is always busy, barely has time to fit me in for a coffee, is always dashing off to the next thing. She makes me feel very laid back and that would be a joke to those that k ow me well. Recently she set aside some. Time to meet for a walk. We arranged to meet at 10am cos she had to be
away by 12 for more whatever. I arrived at 10.05 due to roadworks I wasn’t aware of. She told me she’d been there since 9.30!! She confessed she always does this. In fact , if she’s meeting someone in a place she hasn’t been before, she does a trial run in her own time and will still plan to arrive half an hour early just in case . 🤯

This is you taking the easy option though. Instead, teach your kids manners, to wait for what they want until you've finished the thing you're in the middle of. It won't kill them to wait 5min for a glass of water or their teddy. Obviously the times they've had an accident or fighting are different, but you don't have to give over all your time to your kids.
Don't want to sound mean because this is so so common, like maybe over 50% of mums of young DC and I can see it's easier in the moment, but I'll bet you're one of those people it's almost impossible to have a conversation with when DC are around, because you'll allow them to interrupt you/the other person literally every 30sec and instantly focus on them instead of teaching them manners and telling them to wait just a moment while you finish your sentence.

Ha I understand that. If it’s an unfamiliar place and I need to factor in finding a parking space (a massive stress of mine). I’ll just get there really early and wander round shops or have a coffee. I don’t actually tell people that I’ve been there really early though as that may make them feel bad and it’s completely my issue.

You may have to force yourself to go against your instincts. I had a (still ongoing really) clear out and just ended up taking stuff to the tip/recycling centre because it was that or lose momentum trying to process it all.

I'm the same - due to ADHD/time blindness I budget extra time and plan my journeys and appointments very carefully. I have been known to get places over an hour early just to make sure I get there on time.

It works most of the time but isn't totally foolproof. Recently I got to an appointment an hour early and told the receptionist 'I know I'm early' - she replied that I was indeed VERY early, as the appointment was the following day. And I just rechecked DCs' school schedules and found out I had mixed up all the start dates...it's really impossible to understand how it happens...

I agree, I just don’t recognise this with a young child. I don’t jump to everything the second he says so. If I’m in the middle of something (housework or simply doing whatever I want to do) I’ll get it for him if I feel like it or I’ll say “I’ll get that for you/ do that with you after I’ve finished X Y or Z”

same!

You aren't derailing @Delatron
The point is that I don't do hoovering and dusting or cleaning when I get home from work!
Tidy people have a plan for housework not just random stabs at it when it gets filthy.

I do not waste anytime in tidying because it never gets untidy.
So it's easier to clean properly and this is done on set days as is laundry.

After work I simply prepare dinner, empty and wash lunch boxes and prep next days lunches
All coats/ bags/ shoes away
Dirty clothes in hampers
Feed pets
After dinner clear up and run dishwasher
DH empties it before we go to bed.
Empty bins
Robot vacuum does its thing !

That's probably an hour tops

I think the issue is the more you avoid chores, the more it piles up and then you have a permanently dirty house with piles of laundry everywhere and it becomes unmanageable.

I do not waste anytime in tidying because it never gets untidy.
So it's easier to clean properly and this is done on set days as is laundry.

Yes, I have set days for cleaning as well.
It isn't difficult to clean properly when nothing is untidy.

The dusting takes me 15 minutes on a Saturday. I change the bed that day, too.

The bathroom gets done thoroughly every Friday, although I obviously clean the sink and lavatory daily.

I think we are the same person!
Absolutely no to demanding things like I'm some sort of skivvy plus if you can't find your teddy/ blanket/ book you will need to look a bit harder 😉

I wonder if it's related to how our partners treat us.
For example if your DH/DW expects you to run around after him/her then your DC also expect it.
If you both take responsibility for tidiness and cleaning then your DC will.
I couldn't be more uninterested in my DHs lost keys, he knows not to bother asking they are where you left them

There's also boundaries
Unless it's life and death then no I will not be happy if you are banging on the bathroom door and no I do not tolerate children jumping on me or hurting me/ each other which so many women seem to hate but allow it anyway.

As you were...

Having just re read this, are you creeping into hoarding tendencies?
I also hate throwing things away as I think if the waste in landfills, the weighing up of charity shop or to try sell often blocks me from decluttering.
If you would genuinely rather keep something useless than skip it because of the waste already in landfill you need to be ruthless with taking things to the charity shop or selling it on, if it can't be given away/sold due to it's condition then landfill is the necessary last stop for that item.

There's also boundaries
Unless it's life and death then no I will not be happy if you are banging on the bathroom door

Yes, what is that all about?
I never took my children into the bathroom with me, ever.

I don't understand all the posts I see on here from women who say they can never visit the bathroom in peace, because of babies and young children.

And what's this about contact naps? I must've missed the memo on them, too.

Mind you, I'm also one of those ogres who stuck their babies in their own rooms.........

Put things away as soon as they are used. Walk in from swimming and clothes in the laundry room and bag on peg.

Fold washing and put it away.

Lots of categorised storage in the play room.

If you always put things away after use then there is no big mess to tidy.

Mine were BF so kept them as near as possible for convenience .
I really do think it mirrors the dynamic between partners.
If the DH interrupts and demands and it's tolerated then DC do also.

Mine were also breastfed, for years.
They still slept better in their own rooms, though.

We did keep them in with us for three months.

Then one day, a few years later, the mother looks up...realises nobody has wished her happy birthday, because her last few remaining friends all faded out of her life months ago and she didn't even notice. Says to anyone who'll listen she's feeling down because she lost all her friends when she had a child... Completely oblivious to the fact it's because she's never, ever, without the DC in tow and nobody could have even a 5min conversation with her. Not without at least 20 interruptions, with her flipping straight into mummy and me mode each time - as if you had ceased to exist the second DC opened their mouth.
Sad really. All for the want of:
"Just a moment, I'm talking with X",
"I'll do that in a minute when X and I have finished talking",
"Stop interrupting and go play with your toys".

I never understood people who said they couldn't use the toilet without DC in the room either. That's literally what playpens were invented for, surely? To keep DC safe whilst you went off to do something for a few minutes.

Not sure when this was but it was minimum 6 months when mine were babies.