To be fascinated by tidy people

[tangerinemagic]

I’m just not tidy. Nor is my husband. We try. Actually very hard. We have two young children and a dog but there is literally stuff everywhere, all of the time.

I live in London, so we naturally have many parent friends right on our doorstep and there is a ‘drop in’ culture where we might wrap up a playground or common trip and head to each others houses.

Ours is not fit for that kind of spontaneity but others fling open their doors at any time and it’s like no one even lives there.

when conversations come up about chores, cleaning, tidiness, I recoil. They really are extremely tidy people and with young kids. You can’t mistake walking into a tidy persons house, it just feels, different.

The floors and sofa/furniture in our house just don’t look like theirs, even if you have a whip round and tidy you can tell.

So, tidy people, tell me, how do you do it. What are the tips. Was this nurture growing up in a tidy household? Or something you learned? AIBU to be ashamed my pram, car, house is always in need of a clean.

I agree it’s important to instil tidiness in children while they’re young. It’s a life skill as far as I’m concerned.

I also don’t think a tidy home is the same thing as a clinical home. My home is very tidy but it’s still lived in and you can see a young child lives here. Everything is neat and tidy and my 4 year old knows how to tidy and where everything goes because a) there’s not too much stuff everywhere so it’s not overwhelming for him, and b) everything has a clearly defined “home”, so he knows where to put things.

But there are many nights where he leaves something set up because he wants to keep playing with it in the morning. I like seeing train tracks or magnet tile creations still out at the end of the day.

I think it comes naturally to some people.
They're generally organised in many areas of their life.
It definitely doesn't come naturally to me, my Dsis is perfect, grew up, same way, she is highly organised.

Like others I am just naturally tidy. Can’t relax in mess. Try to only have what we need and everything has a place. Our house isn’t a bland empty home, it has loads of books and colour and kids art on the walls, but it is very very rare that it’s so messy or dirty that I’d feel embarrassed if someone turned up.

Good gosh no, I don’t think I’m better or have better have priorities. I’m not justifying a mess at all, or twisting anybodies lives. Ultimately everyone has different priorities, and that is where they spend their time and prioritise their time, what people find individually important is personal to them. I’m like everyone else living for the first time.

I’m sorry that is the impression I have given you, that you think that I am better by my posts, that’s not my intention.

I have two young kids and my home is always show home ready majority of the time.

as other mentioned, i only sit down when its tidy! I would even tidy with my other hand whilst brushing my teeth with the other!

you have to make sure you have enough storage and a place for everything to be in. I hate when i find an ”uncategorised” item such as party favours!!! Most of the time kids play with it for a bit and then when they dont notice, i bin it. Merciless declutter as someone else mentioned is truely the way.

In all honesty it will be the sitting down and relaxing. Tidy people sit down after all the jobs are done

I like to keep things tidy and having clutter or a mess gets me unsettled and no I'm not cleaning all the time I just make sure I put things away once and for all, get it done once and for all, clean up as you go etc. I actually think I spend less time cleaning than untidy people who have to keep doing this big clean only for things to fall back within days then repeat.

To me picking up something eg get a specific from the spice rack then leave it on the counter and you have to come back and put it back in the rack which means double work, when you add up those seconds and minutes saved it adds up and makes a difference and in the evening I don't have this mountain or dishes or lots of cleaning to do so I can relax.

I'm trying to teach my daughter this at the moment but I recognize we're all different eg my spouse is a throw it there and deal with it later and I have to accept that he will never be as tidy as I am so I clean up as I go and try to not get too upset and to be fair he has also stepped up to avoid actively creating a mess.

One other are we differ is I push to get rid of stuff we don't need or don't while he wants to keep because in case this and in case that so while I get that I also recognize we wouldn't need majority and I can't stand clutter so we try to clear out regularly.

Less stuff and storage - but not too much or it get filled with stuff. Shoe storage - and use it.
we have our house on to rent. I have done a ruthless declutter in preparation and now tidying is much quicker as there is less stuff to tidy.
Hooks to hang things - like bags/coats.

Why do you have so many clothes out? I decide what I am wearing and just take that out- and it goes in the washing hamper at the end of the day. And as PP said I tidy as I go - I put things away at the time. I also swear by the clean kitchen sink at the end of the evening.

It's about routine and also getting your kids to help.

My 11 daughter after breakfast is responsible for emptying the dishwasher before school which means we can load it though the day and turn it on at night rather than leave all the dishes in the sink creating more work to do in the evening. As you finish a meal rinse and out dish in dishwasher not sink. Leaving dishes in the sink all day also and more washing of the sink which will be dirtier.

Saturday mornings she sorts the laundry and I'll do the washing and she sorts out and puts her clothes away. I do see your kids are younger so obviously harder but you can still start early and small eg when she was in daycare I noticed that at the end of the day they would sing a song "clean up clean up everybody everywhere, clean up clean up everybody do your share" while they put toys etc away and we introduced it at home with small stuff, her toys etc and her responsibilities have increased as she gets older.

You can watch some videos about Japanese kids and how they clean up after school and work together for inspiration.

Tidy people are really quick cleaners.
It would take me 3 hours to achieve Dsis standard, takes her an hour max.
Her home is always immaculate, it is a large modern home with plenty of rooms,as a child her toys would be lined up, bed made, she use to run tape down her bit of the room because we were sloppy.
Car spotless, outfits spotless.

The house being a mess genuinely gives me anxiety and makes me so unhappy. I don’t mind it as the day goes on, my kids play, we cook dinner from scratch, baby stuff everywhere from newborn… it gets messy!! but before I go to bed I will need the house to be tidy.

It isn’t about stuffing it all in a cupboard either, my cupboards are organised too 🤣
I think it’s all about not letting it get on top of you. Everything has a place. If it doesn’t have a place then we find one. If we can’t find one then it goes in the bin. I don’t do clutter, mess or disorganisation. I envy people that can sit in an untidy room and not be bothered, they must be truly at peace.

I also can’t understand lots of clothes out “at all times”

I can’t even picture what this means. Out on the bed? The floor? If they’re not in a wardrobe or drawer where else can they go?

You pick an outfit and wear it and then put it in a basket/hamper at the end of the day.

The combination of the entire thread of replies here sounds like you have ADHD (I am sure other people have mentioned this too).

Even if not ADHD though I think if you let it, everything can sort of pile up and overlap and make the next thing harder which then makes the next thing harder etc in an endless cycle and it makes it feel hard to address any one thing, but the reality is it doesn't really matter which thing you address as long as you pick one and make a real concentrated effort at it - partner too, ideally.

e.g. it's all cluttered and messy which means the kids can't play easily so they are demanding attention or you are stressed out by the environment and want to go out, it takes forever to find all the things you need to get out, so the kids are now whiny and fighting because they are bored/hungry, so you stop to make them some food which gets everyone more stir crazy, you realise that there isn't really food in for lunch which means they get something snacky/less than ideal and now you REALLY have to go out, but to the shop rather than somewhere they wanted to go. They are narky because they really needed a bit of a run before lunch and now don't want to be taken to a supermarket so you end up giving into whining for sweets/comics etc because you feel guilty, this makes them more likely to whine in future (which is exhausting) and on top of the non-ideal lunch it gives them a bit of a sugar crash, so they are difficult to direct home again even if it is via the park, they wind each other up or start playing too wildly, one gets hurt, you give up and decide to go home, everyone is so frazzled by the time you get home you just drop everything by the door and nobody has any energy to think about dinner/bath/bed let alone cleaning up - you feed the kids something from the supermarket shop, but then a child is needing a lot of input to go to sleep so that parent doesn't get much of an evening, ends up eating convenience food and stays up late on their phone after the other has gone to sleep. You don't have sex or even a conversation and might have argued about the state of the house or saying yes to the comic when you'd agreed to stop buying them or whatever it is.

Now it's the next morning and it's still cluttered and you're tired from staying up late and nothing changes because it's still all the same survival mode.

Some of that is unavoidable young child stuff, but some of it (e.g. parent relationship, budget, boundaries, diet, sleep, tidying, organisation/planning) is falling by the wayside because of the weight of all the other things on top of it, and it is truly hard to break out of those patterns. But trust me in picking one - it does help and I honestly don't think it matters which one you pick. Pick the one which feels most impactful, or the one which feels easiest. Just don't try to fix them all at once because that doesn't work.

Literally only touching things once.

You grab ketchup from the cupboard, use it and place it back in the cupboard instead of right next to your plate.

You grab the bunch of leaflets that come through your door and walk straight to the recycling bin to chuck them in, instead of plopping them down on a side somewhere.

You take your clothes off and throw them straight into a laundry bin instead of onto the floor.

Etc. 😀

My kids are very very happy. I’m also happy as I let them play then tidy up after them or ask them to help. It’s basic life. Also have full time job, do loads of fitness stuff, plenty of time for time with family friends having meals, drinks, holidays.. I live my life to the full. Won’t be any regrets on the deathbed. But then I enjoy keeping things tidy. It’s in my nature.

deleted - accidentally posted twice.

For me personally, I find the strategies like "Don't put it down, put it away" and "Never leave a room empty handed" and "Only touch something once" all very stressful.

I feel like if I followed that I'd constantly need to be thinking about cleaning and I don't want to do that, I'd feel like I could never relax in my own home. I much prefer to make a mess and then clean it all up in one go later, and that's fine, it genuinely does work for me, BUT, it did take me a while to realise that while this approach can work for me, it only works if I do regularly have clean up cues/sessions in order to keep it all at a manageable level. It can all go a bit wrong if I am out of routine, if there is a particular event/worry which is sapping all my focus, or if things generally get all disorganised and out of system. e.g. I currently have 6 different cups on my desk because we had a party yesterday, and I hurriedly moved them here, though admittedly only 3 of them are actually from the party - the other three are from today.

I do a little bit of clean as you go, but I find it much better personally to create storage/systems which make this easy, rather than have this as a constant stressful demand.

@Lazygardener

I think we have different definitions of tidiness. The straightness of my cushions don’t factor into it. My family is very happy. Tidiness isn’t “important”, it’s just the way we live.

Our keys are put on hooks on our hallway btw.

Both of mine are young enough they still nap, so that’s the time I choose between sitting down or cleaning, after I’ve tidied their lunch and big ticket items and eaten myself I don’t go and go for the full 90 min or I just don’t survive the afternoon.

For most tidy people this is just the default setting. It’s not something they need to think about. I was raised in a tiny home and if you didn’t pick up after yourself or put something away instead of leaving it lying around, we’d have killed each other. Things needed to stay tidy for everyone to function in the same tiny space and be happy. It becomes automatic. At the end of the night I take my cup of tea or whatever to the kitchen before bed and wash it. It takes less than 2 minutes and I would do anything like this without even thinking about it, the same way I don’t have to think to brush my teeth. It’s just part of the day. If I ever did leave it, it’s one cup- there’s no other mess piling up to the point that we’d have to spend a whole day cleaning and tidying.

Something else I’ve noticed in friends of ours who complain that their 4, 5, 6 year olds can’t play independently is that they all have quite chaotic and messy homes. My 4 year old plays independently for hours and I think it helps that his home environment is very tidy and minimal. He has baskets where everything is organised so if he wants to play with his trains they’re very easy to pull out, play with, and tidy away by himself whenever he’s done. If he ever pulls all his toys out at once, it’s not overwhelming for him to tidy them up by himself. If every single thing was pulled out it would take him 5 minutes to tidy it.

Brilliantly put. That pretty much sums it up for me.

Just put everything where it belongs when you've used it.
So, come into house and hang up.coat.
Car keys straight back into handbag.
Get ready for bed, put clothes in laundry or hang up those to be worn again.
Toys not being played with- back in toy box.
Dirty cup - straight into dishwasher, ready for everything to be washed after evening meal.

To be honest, I don't understand untidy people, because it's just so easy to do. I hate cleaning and rarely do it, but I can't sit down if something is not in it's rightful place.

Maybe I should be ruthless and forget selling anything! Yes - this is your problem. It's easy to see why the mess is piling up. You have a sofa in your hall that has become a dumping ground for loads of other clutter. It's literally setting the tone for your whole house. Someone who was genuinely intent on selling it would have taken photos while it was in situ, looking appealing and made sure it was picked up just before the new sofa arrived. Be honest - you are not going to sell it - call up a charity and see if it can be recycled that way or take it to the dump (often sofa companies will take away your old sofa and dispose of it for you, but you have obviously missed that window!) Apply this principle to all the other stuff your are holding onto in the vague hope that you might eventually get round to selling it. Take it to a charity shop or chuck it out. As for the rest of your stuff, clear up as you along - never leave a room empty handed, plates and cups should be either in the dishwasher or in the cupboard when they are not in use, have, have a tidy round of the bathroom while you're bathing the kids, when you get out of your car bring all your rubbish with you and put it straight in then bin. By clearing up as you go along you never have to dedicate time to tidying as such because you prevent the mess from clearing up in the first place. If you are thinking about people dropping in, then focus on the areas they will see to start with - keep the hallway clear, don't let clutter pile up in the living room/kitchen or whichever room you invite them into and make sure the loo is clean and the washbasin wiped.

Well exactly, I thought as much. I just love sitting down and relaxing too much.