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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband refuses to help clean

120 replies

PerfectlyRightMum · 25/08/2025 07:49

Me and hubby are about to have our first baby together. Our plan is that I'm going to be taking a year off work and have started mat leave early.

We agreed that as he works full time and I'll be off, it's my responsibility to buy, clean and prepare the baby bits and the house, so we're ready when the time comes. I'm happy with this arrangement. I love to clean, however, I'm currently 7 months pregnant and have really started to get into the nesting phase.

I'm really struggling with cleaning the bathroom and hunching over the bath.
Hubby is refusing to help wash out the bath for me, my back is killing me.
I've looked online and some people suggest using a mop, but ours is one of those Vileda ones and it can be quite heavy when it's all wet.

Am I being unreasonable because I'd like him to wash out the bath, even though we did fairly agree that I would do all the cleaning because I'm not working?

If I am being unreasonable, please give me some tips.

OP posts:
myplace · 25/08/2025 07:51

I really wish you weren’t pregnant to this unkind man. As you are, leave the bath uncleaned. Protect your back. Pregnancy and the first few years of
parenthood are physically gruelling.

CarlaLemarchant · 25/08/2025 07:53

He’s being ridiculous. Of course he should clean the bath if you’re struggling. It takes a few minutes.

Absolutely do not find ways to struggle on so he doesn’t have to help you. Stand your ground, he cleans the bath until you are able.

Honestly though OP, this does not bode well for when your are post birth and feeling uncomfortable and needing help with things then. You need to have a conversation about that.

tinofbeans · 25/08/2025 07:54

Being married is a partnership - you’re 7 months pregnant! It’s not like you are asking him for a moon on a stick- he should absolutely be rinsing the bath out for you. (And taking over other stuff that will be hard, like emptying dishwasher etc.

yes you agreed to all the housework, but the situation has changed and you need more help - the one person you should be able to rely on is him.

He will certainly have to pull his finger out once baby is born, working FT or not!

Devilsmommy · 25/08/2025 07:55

Your husband is a nasty twat. If he won't do it when you're pregnant then he sure as shit will do fuck all when you've had the baby. You really need a partner when you've got a newborn and believe me, you won't have loads of spare time for cleaning so you need to tell him that you're going to need help.

Notsandwiches · 25/08/2025 07:55

So, presumably he expects you to continue for the coming year to do everything, even when heavily pregnant or you've just given birth? He's a toxic, entitled, manchild.

Dancingsquirrels · 25/08/2025 07:56

If those is true, I worry for you

If you can't clean the bath, don't do it

DisplayPurposesOnly · 25/08/2025 07:57

I see divorce in your future, this is not a man worth staying married to. Best of luck, OP.

InterestedDad37 · 25/08/2025 07:59

Retaliate - refuse to do so something basic that he takes for granted. 👍
Then tell him to sling his hook 👍

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 25/08/2025 08:00

Even if you go back to paid work, this is the sign that he will never,ever again lift a finger in the house. It is now "your work". He will use your agreement to facilitate this.

Yamamm · 25/08/2025 08:01

This is how it starts. A couple both work and they share the domestic stuff. Baby arrives and woman takes time off work. By the time she returns to work she has become the default parent and housekeeper and so it goes on.
What’s the plan for returning to work? You need a plan for what parenting and housework looks like when that happens.
Your DH is making a point about this now which seems mean spirited. He would rather make this point than support you in one small thing. Do not apologise for the dirty bath.

millymoo1202 · 25/08/2025 08:02

Wow, you’ve got a Prince there haven’t you!

Purpleturtle45 · 25/08/2025 08:03

This is really not a good start to fatherhood for him.

autienotnaughty · 25/08/2025 08:03

Will this continue when you have the baby? Because having a baby is hard work and 24/7. It should be that you do ever when he’s at work but when he’s home you are 50/50 and you both get some down time. He sounds like one of those people who thinks having a baby isn’t comparable to his big important job .
And yes it’s cruel of him to expect you to clean the bath knowing you are in pain.

FMc208 · 25/08/2025 08:05

Absolutely unbelievable.

My DH pulls more than half his weight usually when it comes to domestic tasks (also works full time) but I am currently 9m pregnant and he’s been doing 90% of everything for a good couple of months now as my ability has slowed down - just as he should.

I can’t believe the bar is so low for husbands on MN, it’s so depressing. Really makes me appreciate decent men like my DH.

mondaytosunday · 25/08/2025 08:05

Wow. My husband worked long hours at a stressful job and I was a sahm. But there were still household jobs that he did and was happy to. And if there was a job I physically couldn’t do he wouldn’t hesitate. Marriage is not a work contract. Shameful man.

Humanswarm · 25/08/2025 08:06

These kind of posts make me so sad. The very fact you have to come to strangers on the Internet to ask if you're being unreasonable in requesting some help when heavily pregnant.
This isn't ever going to get any better for you. And the fact you can't see your worth and have to ask strangers to validate your feelings over something that is so utterly unquestionable is so sad.
You have far bigger issues than who is cleaning the bath, and that will arise more and more once the baby arrives.
What was the labour division like prior to pregnancy, when you both worked? Why did you assume you'd have his support?

Slooped · 25/08/2025 08:07

Agree with all the pps. Cleaning with a baby isn't easy - both mine only napped on the move so bo time when the baby was asleep, one was terrified of the hoover, by crawling age they empty boxes and cupboards as you tidy around them. And I'm quite a get it done sort of person, literally worked up to the day of giving birth etc.

From a practical point of view, the bath probably doesn't need cleaned. Really. Nothing bad will happen, just leave it for now.

pilates · 25/08/2025 08:07

This isn’t boding well. So sorry 😔

DaisyChain505 · 25/08/2025 08:07

Being married is a partnership.

Creating life takes two people.

This will be your joint baby.

You both live in the house and should contribute to its upkeep.

Just because you are taking a year off work doesn’t mean he has to do F all in the house or with the baby.

Your job as a SAHP will be whilst he is at work. Once he’s home from his job you also finish your shift in your job as a SAHP and then you’re both just joint parents looking after your child.

Set your boundaries now and stand firm. Do not think you have to tip toe around this man child and just get on with doing everything.

Remind him that you’re both adults and you’re both having this child and this is a team effort and he better buck up his ideas.

ComfortFoodCafe · 25/08/2025 08:07

Oh god. Your gonna struggle if he wont help now after giving birth and having to clean on top a baby is 24/7 you really wont have time to begin with youll be exhausted so you need to nip this selfish behaviour of your husband in the bud now.

Auroraloves · 25/08/2025 08:08

Don’t hurt yourself. Leave it uncleaned. Don’t do his fuckin laundry either lazy bastard

sciaticafanatica · 25/08/2025 08:09

Did he help clean before this or has he always been a lazy twat ??
get a cleaner to come do the bathroom if you are struggling and also mentally prepare yourself for a life of drudgery with a sexist lazy bastard!

ElectoralControversy · 25/08/2025 08:11

Do you mean washing out the bath after one of you has used it, or are you cleaning it every day anyway?

gamerchick · 25/08/2025 08:12

YABU for saying 'for me'. Does he not use the bath?

You've made a mistake willing to take on all of the grunt work OP. Maternity leave is about recovering from the birth. While it's normal to take on more housework when not at work, it's not normal to take on everything.

If he doesn't lift a finger while you're off work. It's going to be hell when you are.

Tell him that your arrangement needs renegotiating.

PigletSanders · 25/08/2025 08:13

Oh OP, this is a deeply sinister sign for what’s to come. What an absolute cunt he is.