Husband refuses to help clean

[PerfectlyRightMum]

Me and hubby are about to have our first baby together. Our plan is that I'm going to be taking a year off work and have started mat leave early.

We agreed that as he works full time and I'll be off, it's my responsibility to buy, clean and prepare the baby bits and the house, so we're ready when the time comes. I'm happy with this arrangement. I love to clean, however, I'm currently 7 months pregnant and have really started to get into the nesting phase.

I'm really struggling with cleaning the bathroom and hunching over the bath.
Hubby is refusing to help wash out the bath for me, my back is killing me.
I've looked online and some people suggest using a mop, but ours is one of those Vileda ones and it can be quite heavy when it's all wet.

Am I being unreasonable because I'd like him to wash out the bath, even though we did fairly agree that I would do all the cleaning because I'm not working?

If I am being unreasonable, please give me some tips.

And so it begins. A tale as old as time unfortunately.

I never understand why a baby arrives and suddenly the man gets to do far less of the domestic drudgery than before. Seems like his life is about to get easier, which isn’t really how it is supposed to work with a baby.

If he can't so one thing to help you and his baby our like clean the bath I'd have to ask myself does he really love me? I've known some chauvinistic men in my time but all of them would help their partners in this situation.

Wait, so when you're home heavily pregnant/recovering from birth/with a newborn you've agreed that you should do all the cleaning?

You should consider why a job gives maternity leave - it's not so you can go home and clean, it's because by that point in the pregnancy you start to become much more incapacitated by the massive child inside you!

So it goes from both working, and both cleaning to one just working, one looking after the baby and cleaning?

So you've swapped a day's work, for baby + cleaning and he's now just working? Does that sound like a fair proportion of required labour? Is he going to pick up baby care once the child is here? Or is his plan 40 hours a week paid work, then he's free while you do everything else?

Do you think that looking after a baby is equivalent to a job? Do you get to just clock out at any point? Of course bloody not.

You need to renegotiate this with the expectation that he understands that maternity leave is because you need to take it easy at the end of the pregnancy, and recover after the birth - it's not unlike sick leave - then once the child is here, you need to make it clear that a working day is not equivalent to a parenting and cleaning day - the hours committed to those tasks are in no way equal, and he needs to pick up some of the home labour.

I wish you luck. I don't rate your chances, but who knows, you might get somewhere with it.

Until then, just don't clean the bloody bath. It'll be fine for a bit.

Im not sure if this is a joke to be honest. How will you clean in the first few weeks post birth? It can be an awful time, I've had 3 births and after the first one I needed a lot of help. With the 3rd I decorated 2 bedrooms at 39 weeks and was back to normal day after. Each birth is different and if you need help he should support you.

No you are not being unreasonable.
He's being a selfish arsehole.
Nobody who loves you sits and watches you struggle, in pain, and wont lift a finger to help you. He's being a twat.

please give me some tips.

You have 2 basic choices- to accept it or not.

If you dont acccept it you need to start as you mean to go on ans show him you mean business. Now.
And you need to be consistent with it, don't "be nice" and do X until he is holding up his end of the social contract fully.

Do not do a single thing for him until he does.

Do not pick up his dirty laundry.
Do not wash his clothes. Any of them.
Do not pick up his mugs.
Do not wash his plates.
If you unload the dishwasher - unload half.
Cook for yourself only.
If you do the food shop - buy only food that is essential or you like. Dont buy any of the treats you like.
Do not help his mum.
Do not pick up X.
Don't do it!!

If he is like this now you are in for a bad road once the baby arrives - so I would get comfortable with holding the line / dying on that hill.

Either he gets in line or he doesnt.
then you decide whether you should leave now or when your child is slightly older.

Whatever happens do not have a 2nd with him. No good man/ husband / father does this.

Your husband has left his heavily pregnant wife to clean the bathroom and is refusing to help you? When you have asked for help and you are in pain? Do you know how this sounds and how telling it is about his values and his character? I really hope you can work out a solution with him because this just doesn’t bode well with what you are about to face with having a baby. Your husband is a selfish prick.

He’s a prince isn’t he? What a nasty twat he is - of course he needs to clean the bath.

It sets a president though that when you have been up all night with an unsettled baby - not slept for 36 hours, still breastfeeding, absolutely exhausted- he will still be expecting you to clean and cook???

This needs negotiating again - however I would think about my future with this ignorant pig.

Looking after a baby is a full time job. That's why you get maternity leave.

Being 7+ months pregnant is hugely debilitating and it can be difficult to just achieve the simple self-care needed to keep you and thebaby inside you healthy, which is why maternity leave can start this early.

Neither of these circumstances is compatible with agreeing to be full time housekeeper, cook and housemaid to a lazy arsehole who won't lift a finger. You need to renegotiate as your previous agreement was made without full understanding of what you were agreeing to.

It's fine for you to be 100% focusing on baby care while he is out at work.

When he is at home then he remains responsible for 50% of all work that needs doing in the house. And there will be a lot. If he isn't willing to get stuck in and pull his weight then the household budget needs to stretch to afford enough extra staff (regular cleaner, nanny etc) such that each of you get the same amount of non-working rest time to chill and recuperate. Work out what the staff costs will be and if his salary doesn't stretch that far then he is just as responsible as you are for taking on some of that work himself. The 1950s ended quite some time ago. There's this thing called "equality" that he might have heard of, which means that his possession of a dick does not actually entitle him.to put his feet up while you do all the work, and the fact that his work for an employer brings in a salary does not make it more "valuable" to the household unit than the equally hard work you do looking after the child. If he doesn't consider you an equal partner with equal rights to him and equal entitlement to leisure time then what kind of father is he going to be?

The only advice I can give (apart from just leaving the sodding bath and prioritising your health) is to monitor how much 'time-off' or leisure and relaxation time you both get.
So he comes home from work and sits on the sofa, you sit on the sofa beside him. He says 'when is dinner?', you say 'lets go make it' and don't get up until he does.
He goes out to see mates in an evening, or does sport on a weekend morning, you monitor the hours and then later go out for the same amount of hours (even if you have nowhere to go and nothing to do - just take a book to a café, or go for a walk).
You have to leave him with the baby, which can be tricky to time if breastfeeding, but you HAVE to make sure you are not having less time off than him, and that you have as much time away from the baby as he does.

Oh dear OP. You’re married to a nasty bully and have unfortunately saddled your unborn child with an absolute twat for a father.

I would honestly move out. Can you stay with your parents? I wouldn’t move back until he rethought his attitude. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be back.

Oh my god what a nasty bastard he is. Refusing to do a simple job when you’re struggling carrying his baby. I have no words op, I’m so sorry. I’d go back to drawing board now. Tell him the arrangement discussed does not work for you.

He is behaving badly. My DH didn't clean either but made that very clear on day one. He was always perfectly happy to pay for a cleaner.

Of greater concern @PerfectlyRightMum is your health and why you can't do anything physical at present. Being pregnant isn't an illness and shouldn't make you too uncomfortable to do day to day stuff. You need some clinical support as well in my opinion.

Can you move in with parents for a while to rest properly? Be very open with everyone that dh is expecting you to do all the housework without any assistance from him and that you are struggling with it. His reaction to other people's opinions will be telling.

Well you're in a for a relationship with a an who'll be a shitty father by the sounds of it.

Why are you paying alone for the baby stuff? Solely responsible for the home, cleaning, prep etc?

This man will not support you when the baby come and will tell you it's your responsibility to do all nappies, feeds, changes, burping, sleeping, waking... And he won't be bringing you a cuppa, a sandwich or tidying up after himself because it'll be down to you.

You need to sort these boundaries out right now, before the baby arrives, but it may be too late.

He is a lazy cruel fuck.

It’s unanimous OP.
Refusing to help his heavily pregnant wife is a huge red flag.
It’s very sad that lots of men show their true colours when they think their woman (domestic slave) is trapped. The good news is that this is not true, you’re not trapped.
If this situation doesn’t improve OP I’d be out of there fast, it won’t get better.
There's enough people on here that have been on the receiving end of this shite and identify it quickly, and there’s tons of support to help you get out of the situation, don’t put up with it or look for tips for cleaning a bath with a mop. Leave the bath.

He’s a piece of shit. Good luck

@PerfectlyRightMum is it correct that your current agreement only lasts until the baby comes? And then you negotiate your next agreement? Please be very careful about this. You need to build in fairness and flexibility to the next one. It should account for total breakdown on your side in the event something goes unexpectedly for you. It should prioritise baby, you and DH in that order. Imagine he had hurt his back. Would he expect you not to help him? Of course not. Good luck with the next phase. Oh, and your DH is a complete arsehole, sorry.

My goodness, what a pathetic waste of space your husband is. Of course he should clean the batb.

You just had a thread deleted in which you were "fuming" because people gave you presents instead of cash for your daughter's first birthday, didn't you?

Why did you agree to this arrangement in the first place? It’s daft!

Yup, this ⬆️. Ask him if he has any intention helping you raise your child also or are you going to be a single parent with a man child to look after also. Has he any intention of feeding, changing babies nappy or bathing and putting baby to bed?
Personally, I’d stop washing half his underwear so he runs out, if he comments then tell him you couldn’t reach the bottom of the laundry basket like you can’t bend over and clean the bath! Do not pick up and wash his clothes unless they are in the laundry basket- do not move them from where he dropped them- only wash what’s in the laundry basket and only half his underwear. Please tell me he puts his own clothes away? If not, buy an extra laundry box and put his stuff in that for him to put away himself. By all means fold it but don’t group the items- ie all the T-shirts together, so it’s slightly harder for him to put everything away!
lots of petty things you can do that are so minor but slightly inconvenient to him.
Yes, they are slightly passive aggressive but sometimes these things need to be done especially when he’s being a colossal arse. By the way, you might want to mention you’ll need his help for at least the first 6 weeks after birth because you’ll have a plate size internal wound where the placenta has come away (as well as a demanding little human)- it’s invisible so no one every thinks about it.

What a nasty fucker.

If my pregnant neighbour asked me to help clean her bath, I would help her, let alone my partner!

What are his family like? Could you call his mum/sibling and ask them to come over to help with the bath so that they see what a prick he's being? It won't change the longterm forecast but it will give them a heads up on his behaviour.

What are his expectations when you are 9 months pregnant and after birth?

Also, very sad that he is showing no interest in buying stuff for his first child and leaving it all to you just because he has a job. Everyone does mate! We still manage to get to the shops on a Saturday!