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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner broke up with me for telling lies

90 replies

Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 22:30

I accidentally put telling lies in the titl, I meant keeping secrets

I F36 have been with my DP M34 for 2 years we don’t live together because between us we have 6 kids he has 4 and he keeps them every other weekend and I have 2 mostly full time.
Our homes aren’t big enough and we would like to buy together so we were saving a deposit.

Now onto the secrets, before we met I used to have a situationship with someone in the same workforce as my partner but not the same area.

I didn’t tell my partner about this because in my mind it was in the past, it’s my business and I didn’t want to make his work place uncomfortable.
My situationship doesn’t have any feelings for me nor him me but if we bump into each other at the gym we’d usually stop for a chat.

I should have told him when we chatted at the gym in front of DP and I tried I really did but I couldn’t bring myself to.
My DP got a transfer to the same workplace as my situationship and well it turns out someone from work knew about us and spread it around his work and my partner felt like everyone was talking about him until someone finally told him what was being said.
They also said that my situationship had a girlfriend at the time and that I was aware and met with him anyway, I didn’t I assumed if he was messaging me they’d separated. My DP didn’t like that I would be willing to sleep with someone in a relationship, I wouldn’t have if I’d known.

My partner was not happy but we talked it out and seemed to move on. That was 18 months ago

Now onto the next secret, my friends all female wanted to go on a trip. I agreed and it was booked. My partner is a little insecure about these things so I put off telling him when I did tell him he told me he’d seen it on my phone (said he wasn’t snooping but had seen a notification about it) the month before and was just waiting for me to tell him.

He felt that it was a singles trip, and that the one single girl in the group would be bringing boys back to the room etc. this did not happen. So now the previous (situationship) lie and this one is coming up and long story short he’s broken up with me, says he can’t trust me has removed me from all social media and is already on tinder.

I go from feeling like I’m glad it’s done to wanting to beg him to come back

I just don’t know what to do, do you think I should have done better? Should I have told him all these things straight away?

He’s also said he doesn’t know if he can live with me and that he likes things organised, I am organised but life has been hectic atm

I’ve been loyal to him I’ve never cheated I just love and miss him so much but I can’t believe that someone who claims to love me could do this to me

OP posts:
OhBuggerandArse · 24/08/2025 22:35

You have probably had a lucky escape.

Windthebloodybobbinup · 24/08/2025 22:37

I think it’s more important that you are reluctant to tell him normal things and that is creating the situation. There is something wrong if you have to pick and choose what you say or position information in a certain way that he will accept. You need to think carefully about whether you want to live with that level of insecurity which is also controlling behaviour.

bluejelly · 24/08/2025 22:39

i think he sounds jealous and insecure. Definitely don’t move in with him! I think you need to find someone who is more secure and relaxed.

Silvertulips · 24/08/2025 22:42

You should be able to do as you please, it’s your life and your money - he used this as a reason to break up, I would have been anything, and I agree with PP - there’s a reason you delayed telling him, why was that? Worried about his reaction?

Life’s too short to pander to his needyness all the time.

Laura95167 · 24/08/2025 22:44

The thing is, I can understand why you didnt initially mention the situationship. But when you ran into the guy in front of him and you knew theyd be working together you should have told DP.

I can understand why he believes you knew situationship wasnt single.

Then this holiday. Either you always planned to keep it from him, which is bad or you tried to avoid it as long as possible so when he did find out he would feel like youd tried to hide it.

I can totally see why he feels like youre lying by omission and what else might he not know. And tbh if he doesnt trust you now before everything is entangled i think hes probably made the best decision for you both in the long run

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/08/2025 22:47

Wasn't sure how to vote but if you're thinking of begging him then YABU! Sounds like you have to walk on eggshells with this bloke. I don't think he's the one for you, he's done you a huge favour. ( He was definitely snooping on your phone BTW)

RogerR4bbit · 24/08/2025 22:48

Firstly, you don’t love him, you couldn’t even be yourself around him.

You felt like you had to hide the fact you’d had a sex life before he was on the scene, you didn’t want to tell him that you had a holiday with friends planned as you were worried how he’d react; that isn’t normal behaviour in a loving and equal relationship.

Also, it’s a red flag that he has four kids that he only sees four days a month. That is truly pitiful “parenting”, he’ll hardly get to spend any time with them as individuals and isn’t the sort of man you’d want to live with as he clearly doesn’t like living with children, even his own 🙄

I think you’ve had a lucky escape. BUT, I would say you need to work on your self-esteem a bit. Assuming a man who you’d heard had a partner is single because he was fucking you is very naive. You should always clarify that a man is single before shagging him, especially if you’ve been told he has a gf, unless you’re happy to be the OW 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 22:49

Laura95167 · 24/08/2025 22:44

The thing is, I can understand why you didnt initially mention the situationship. But when you ran into the guy in front of him and you knew theyd be working together you should have told DP.

I can understand why he believes you knew situationship wasnt single.

Then this holiday. Either you always planned to keep it from him, which is bad or you tried to avoid it as long as possible so when he did find out he would feel like youd tried to hide it.

I can totally see why he feels like youre lying by omission and what else might he not know. And tbh if he doesnt trust you now before everything is entangled i think hes probably made the best decision for you both in the long run

Tbf, they work in 2 separate departments and opposite shifts. Yes I should have told him.

“what else he might not know “ is his issue
and I would of loved to have told him but I felt that his anxiety would build until I went away, if I’d known he would end the relationship over it I wouldn’t of done it

OP posts:
Pandasquishy · 24/08/2025 22:50

I've broken up with a guy who couldn't be honest - about huge things in his past. To me, if it is a big thing (he slept with someone in the family) it should be one of the first things to tell. Anything big that could impact on the relationship in the future; past cheating, big character defining moments etc. It's always better to be open and explain why you did it at the time and what you learned from it than to lie, pretend you are perfect and then have it all come crashing down when they discover the truth. You want to be a trustworthy person, not a fake. If they don't like the real you then they are not the one for you. I think this situation should be used as a lesson that shows you what to do better next time.

Propagandalf · 24/08/2025 22:51

I put YABU for using "situationship".

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 22:52

Propagandalf · 24/08/2025 22:51

I put YABU for using "situationship".

I agree

OP posts:
Feenduvetcover · 24/08/2025 22:52

He’s no catch and you couldn’t be yourself around him so it was never going to work anyway.

nomas · 24/08/2025 22:58

Sounds like he is looking for excuses to keep putting you in the wrong. It sounds exhausting.

I say good riddance, don’t run after him.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 24/08/2025 23:01

He's not the one. Move on. Do NOT beg.

SummerFrog25 · 24/08/2025 23:05

Don't chase him! In fact if he asks to get back together say 'No thanks!. He's not worth your tears, try to read your pists objectively & see how he put you in a position where not telling him everything felt like the best option!

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 23:06

Well I’m going to have to meet him at some point to get my belongings, I feel like I’ve supported him all this time and now his life is coming together he’s just dropped me

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 24/08/2025 23:08

He sounds insecure. Move on, don't chase him - he wants to keep you on the back foot.

OrigamiOwls · 24/08/2025 23:09

Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 23:06

Well I’m going to have to meet him at some point to get my belongings, I feel like I’ve supported him all this time and now his life is coming together he’s just dropped me

Based on this, you may have been the placeholder unfortunately.
Move on and find someone who deserves you and stop walking on eggshells for this one.

HeronPond · 24/08/2025 23:11

Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 22:49

Tbf, they work in 2 separate departments and opposite shifts. Yes I should have told him.

“what else he might not know “ is his issue
and I would of loved to have told him but I felt that his anxiety would build until I went away, if I’d known he would end the relationship over it I wouldn’t of done it

Show quote history

And you’re mourning this relationship why?

JLou08 · 24/08/2025 23:17

You're well rid of that one. You do not need to disclose all your ex-partners/flings. You being worried about informing of the trip is very telling. A man of his age worrying about a woman of your age being on holiday with a single woman is ridiculous.

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 23:17

During the day I’m fine, I’m glad we’re over for all the reasons PP’s have said.

But in the evening it hits
this happened on the 12th and then I went on holiday and was back on the Friday.
We were supposed to talk when I got back but he got hurt at work.
I just feel like it’s dragging on and on and I just want close the chapter
plus he owes me some money so I’d prefer to not to block and ignore but if I have to swallow the debt I will

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 24/08/2025 23:17

@Luciferthethird i think you should have told him about the workplace guy long…. Before he started there . I Italy yes it’s your business but when your openly chatting then letting him find out from others . That’s very poor .
He can’t trust you don’t know as you have hidden other stuff .

‘Maybe deep down you know he’s jealous and it will cause and issue by telling him things .
It’s best done. If he gets in touch don’t be apologising anymore . Just for the workplace guy and that’s it own the rest .

Original poster
Luciferthethird · 24/08/2025 23:19

Imbusytodaysorry · 24/08/2025 23:17

@Luciferthethird i think you should have told him about the workplace guy long…. Before he started there . I Italy yes it’s your business but when your openly chatting then letting him find out from others . That’s very poor .
He can’t trust you don’t know as you have hidden other stuff .

‘Maybe deep down you know he’s jealous and it will cause and issue by telling him things .
It’s best done. If he gets in touch don’t be apologising anymore . Just for the workplace guy and that’s it own the rest .

Thing is I did apologise for the workplace guy I cried I even had a panic attack he forgave me at the time
workplace guy went travelling and is recently back so I think it’s bringing up old feelings

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 24/08/2025 23:23

He sounds awful. You had a relationship before him. It’s over. You are going on holiday with friends… he breaks up over this? That’s not reasonable for a loving partner…he’s sounds critical and controlling and totally unappealing. Focus on your own healing and move on 💐

TalulaHalulah · 24/08/2025 23:24

Workplace guy situation was over when you met your DO though, I think?
So I am not sure it was his business to know.
And as for not telling him about the trip, he sounds like he was making wild assumptions about your single friend, which are actually fairly offensive.
I do agree that he has done you a favour breaking up, but make sure you get the money he owes you back.