My partner broke up with me for telling lies

[Luciferthethird]

I accidentally put telling lies in the titl, I meant keeping secrets

I F36 have been with my DP M34 for 2 years we don’t live together because between us we have 6 kids he has 4 and he keeps them every other weekend and I have 2 mostly full time.
Our homes aren’t big enough and we would like to buy together so we were saving a deposit.

Now onto the secrets, before we met I used to have a situationship with someone in the same workforce as my partner but not the same area.

I didn’t tell my partner about this because in my mind it was in the past, it’s my business and I didn’t want to make his work place uncomfortable.
My situationship doesn’t have any feelings for me nor him me but if we bump into each other at the gym we’d usually stop for a chat.

I should have told him when we chatted at the gym in front of DP and I tried I really did but I couldn’t bring myself to.
My DP got a transfer to the same workplace as my situationship and well it turns out someone from work knew about us and spread it around his work and my partner felt like everyone was talking about him until someone finally told him what was being said.
They also said that my situationship had a girlfriend at the time and that I was aware and met with him anyway, I didn’t I assumed if he was messaging me they’d separated. My DP didn’t like that I would be willing to sleep with someone in a relationship, I wouldn’t have if I’d known.

My partner was not happy but we talked it out and seemed to move on. That was 18 months ago

Now onto the next secret, my friends all female wanted to go on a trip. I agreed and it was booked. My partner is a little insecure about these things so I put off telling him when I did tell him he told me he’d seen it on my phone (said he wasn’t snooping but had seen a notification about it) the month before and was just waiting for me to tell him.

He felt that it was a singles trip, and that the one single girl in the group would be bringing boys back to the room etc. this did not happen. So now the previous (situationship) lie and this one is coming up and long story short he’s broken up with me, says he can’t trust me has removed me from all social media and is already on tinder.

I go from feeling like I’m glad it’s done to wanting to beg him to come back

I just don’t know what to do, do you think I should have done better? Should I have told him all these things straight away?

He’s also said he doesn’t know if he can live with me and that he likes things organised, I am organised but life has been hectic atm

I’ve been loyal to him I’ve never cheated I just love and miss him so much but I can’t believe that someone who claims to love me could do this to me

Has he broken up with you to avoid paying back what he owes you?

I hope not

he didn’t really talk to me about any of this he just ended it one evening

said he’d been going to therapy and this validated his feelings

I agree I haven’t gone about all this the right way but my relationship before this was abusive and then I was single for a long time.

Think that’s why I’m struggling to let go

I’ve booked myself a therapy appointment think I need some help

You said it's dragging on so suggest messaging him and saying I'll pop round on X day to collect my stuff and the £x you borrowed a while back. (Suggest asking for cash so you can be sure it'll all be resolved on the same day and he won't "forget" afterwards).

I’ve no idea what a ‘situationship’ is and I do think you should have told him about the guy in his workplace to nip any rumours etc in the bud. And I also think you should have told about your holiday. If you can’t be open and honest in a relationship, what’s the point? So I can understand him being unhappy.

However, his jealousy over what he imagined you would be getting up to while away suggests he has issues all of his own!

Given the speed at which he has deleted you from his life and is actively looking for a new girlfriend, I think you are better off without him.

I don't blame him for ending it, if I'm honest.

Whatever the reason, you've not been honest and open with him.

That's either because you're a naturally dishonest person who only reveals as much as you have to and will always keep the truth back until you have no choice but to be honest. Some people are like that.

Or it's because you didn't feel you could be honest and open with him specifically.

Neither of those is good and both would be a good enough reason to end it.

Don't get drawn into the drama of back and forth.

You had a life before you met him.

OK. It's someone he knows, but its not cheating. But given how he behaves you were too scared of his reaction to tell him. Red Flag one.

You wanted to go on holiday with your friends- he immediately thinks that you will be on the pull - not surprisingly, given this reaction you were afraid to tell him - red flag 2...

He snooped on your phone.. lied about it and found out that you had planned the holiday. Instead of asking you about it there and then, He waited a whole month saying to himself I bet she won't tell me, I bet she won't tell me. So that your sin of omission got bigger and bigger and it became harder and harder to tell him. - That speaks of a punishing character. Red flag 3

You've been supporting him and he broke up with you owing you money - Red Flag 4..

I think its really good that you are seeking help and someone to talk abou this in RL. I think you need that support. It sounds like you have been walking on eggshells with him.

If he sounds cruel and insecure. If he "lets" you come back, he will draw you in to dump you again. Don't let him.

How much money does he owe you @Luciferthethird ?

I'd be telling him to have it ready for you when you collect your belongings.

Exactly this. Your past relationships are none of his business and if you can’t tell him in advance of plans with your friends he’s an absolute controlling knob. Wave goodbye to him

Op I think you are secretive because you fear his reaction not because you are being intentionally deceitful There is something about the tone of your post that’s strikes me this way.

I had some similar issues with DH…he’s “funny” about one single friend of mine who has been my friend for over 45 yrs. Everyone else is fine but he still acts like she and I will be hitting the bars and man hunting. It’s so annoying. I find myself timing my reveal whenever I’m going to see her whether just her or a group. It’s irrational on his part and makes me have to be more secretive than I like. I am currently sitting on a possible girls weekend in November but I’m not mentioning it until the plans are firm. I tolerate this because his other traits are worthy of overlooking this foible.

I don’t “kiss and tell” There is no need to reveal everything about your past. Your situationship was a bit sticky because of the work connection and the fact you were deceived into unknowingly being the OW and it was complicated to explain. Men do this kind of thing all the time…having had past situationships they don’t want to explain. I rather like the term situationship becuse it has a certain nuance that captures the essence of it all
i agree with PP…he’s broken up he’s on tinder and I suspect and only IMO he was looking for an out and this was it. Otherwise it could have played out as….

“I get it everyone has a past”
“I'm sure I’ve made such a big deal about “single friend” that now you are reluctant to tell me about girls weekend” see how that hits different ?

I think you’ve summed it up perfectly

I would be so disappointed in myself if I allowed him back into my life and that’s just a mantra I’m going to have to repeat to myself

Definitely don't write off the debt OP. He needs to pay you back what he owes, and it's shocking that he hasn't already.

Your boyfriend is dramatic. The first one wasn’t his business and the second he was paranoid about a trip with friends.

Let him stay gone, he’s a controlling child. You shouldn’t be scared to tell your partner things… especially when you hadn’t done anything wrong!

Dont expect to see the money he owes you.

You have done nothing wrong OP. He sounds awful, really worrying behaviour from him. Stay strong, take it a day at a time and move forward without him

He sounds like a waste of space.
You need to put your kids before useless men who borrow money and definitely won't pay it back.
He was controlling and weird.
Plus any man who has 4 kids and sees them every other weekend is a piece of crap .

I’d be breathing sighs of relief that four extra kids no longer loom in my future. Setting up home with him, you’d likely have found he’d suddenly find it possible for them to spend a hell of a lot more time chez vous.

Gordon Bennett though, some guy in his early thirties treating you cruelly, cadging cash from you, and then waffling on about having his damn feelings validated: you really do not need this nonsense. You are a young woman with two kids, and though that scene is doubtless difficult, it at least is only your own business to handle.

I’d steer well clear of tricky guys like this, and either tattoo or write in Biro on your forearm the reminder that love affairs should enhance your happiness and optimism rather than magnify insecurities and shrivel your spirit.
You’ve nothing to berate yourself about, and nobody else has the right to make you feel the need to apologise for your life.
Good luck, and don’t weaken and pander to this bloke’s sense of what’s due to him as a man.

There's a lot here. If after two years, while you still have things to sort out (money, property etc) he's dumped you and gone straight on Tinder...that's a massive red flag for his level of maturity and how little the relationship meant to him.

He's sounds very insecure and jealous. Snooping is never good, whether he was right or wrong to suspect something. He'll be doing it forever.

I'm not really sure about the guy at his work. Unless you knew they were friends, or worked directly together, I'm not sure it's any of his business. Although personally I'd have mentioned it. From the sounds of him, he's have been just as insecure if he knew though.

You should have told him about the holiday. I can't imagine booking to go away and keeping it from my OH at any point in our relationship. It's just good manners...what if he'd have booked you a surprise trip on the same date?

His reasoning is off though. There's only one single girl, and he thinks she will bring men back for everyone else who's in a relationship, and you're all going to cheat together? That's insane levels of paranoia. If that's where his head is at, he'll never trust you.

The real issue from your end is the fact that you felt you couldn't be honest with him about two completely normal, innocent bits of information...presumably because you knew he wouldn't have reacted well.

What happens next time you go away with the girls, or on a night out, or a work trip, or mention a male co-worker you get lunch with? If you're deliberating over what you can tell him, or if he's emotionally blackmailing you over completely innocent behavior...is it worth the hassle?

If you think he's The One and he wants to talk it out, you both need to be frank in that you won't keep secrets and he needs to get over his jealousy.

But to be honest, I'd be writing this one off to experience.

I could understand him being upset if you were married and living together and sharing finances
But your not doing any of those things
So he didn't have a right to any of that information
You didn't tell him , because you knew how he would react
And his actions show ,you were correct.
Let him go ,he's not the one

You should have told him about the affair you had had with one of his new work colleagues. Did you not imagine how humiliated he would feel that everyone else knew about his girlfriend's grubby affair and not him? That is dishonest - lying by omission. Ditto the holiday-if it was no big deal, wby didnt you tell him? You 'didn't feel able' is not a reflection on him, it is a reflection on your lack of courage.

yes this is blunt but why are you doing this to yourself, yes some women are desperate for attention they dont care if they are being treated badly, it is wrong. and I hope the children involved dont see this and think it is normal then go on to to do the same themselves be a good role model and learn from it break the never ending cycle that women keep on puting up with in the hope some one will throw them a few crumbsmm keep what little self respect you have left and move on

Harsh but one day someone may listen

Obviously you shouldn’t be keeping secrets in a relationship. But then again, it sounds like you only did it out of fear of his reaction. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in your relationship. You’ve had a lucky escape. Don’t go back to him.

That's the problem he cant get past. You kept thinking the truth would make him feel X so you hid it. And generally in my experience men who've said I didnt tell you because it would upset you, actually meant im hiding it from you because if you know the truth is I might have to deal with the consequences.

If you were so sure hed feel anxious you could have not gone, or explained from the get go what was happening and how he could trust you. But you didnt so of course he feels unable to trust you at all. I dont think this choice is one holiday, its a serious of lies that made him feel vulnerable and unable to trust you.

You could ask for another chance but I think youd have to change your approach with him

Lucky escape for you.
Everyone has a past.
Maybe you should have mentioned it when they started to work at the same place - but if they worked opposite shifts , it may not have come out - why poke the bear?
I also think he snooped on your phone.
But you’re not married or even living together - so if you’re planning a trip it doesn’t effect him (it’s not like he’d be suddenly having to cook his own dinner or find additional child care- cos you don’t do that. )
So it is entirely up to you when you tell him of any of your plans.
He’s being ridicules ….. and immature.
The money is a different story…and he should offering to pay that back … instalments if necessary.

I think he’s got the problem, not you. Move on.

** he’s being Ridiculous- not ridicules

Please rethink setting up a permenant home with this man. People who have arguments about this sort of petty thing, the past, what friends may do are on holiday, listen to gossip from randoms, they are stuck at a level of maturity that's not enough to head a blended household of 6 children, with all the real grown up challenges that will bring. Your life with this guy will be a chaotic drama of fallings out about teenage nonsense which will seriously get in the way of of raising a large family.